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Relationships

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Desperate yet picky single people

276 replies

Floogal · 27/08/2023 14:22

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

  1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.
OP posts:
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Warburtons · 27/08/2023 16:49

I once saw on here something like ‘if you can’t be picky about who you let in your vagina what can you be picky with’ and it makes sense.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 18:41

Wow! I’m also single but very picky! I know why I’m single… and it’s because I am picky - because I choose to be picky! I won’t just date any random psycho I ‘match’ with on OLD! NO! I am looking for a specific type of man with a specific personality. Those sort of men are hard to come by and the ones that do exist seem to be already taken.
So yes I CHOOSE to be single because the right person (for me) hasn’t yet come my way! I don’t moan about it per-se but I do feel sadness sometimes! I do not see what the problem is. Some people just haven’t met the right one for them. I won’t go on dates with just any random man just for ‘date’s sake’, they have to have the qualities I’m looking for.

PaintedEgg · 27/08/2023 18:53

I think there is a slight difference between someone who is knowingly picky because they'd rather be single than date below their standards and people who are effectively "incels".

You know the type - they're not just picky, they're very critical of their potential partners and very vocal about it. It's the "women don't want nice guys / men only date bimbos" crowd. So they desperately want to date someone, but that someone has to meet often unreasonable expectations (to the point of literally not existing in real life) or they get very critical about people who have done nothing except just not dating them...

although i just tend to tell them that they are absolutely right, everyone else sucks, they're great and they should just not date anyone :)

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 19:01

PaintedEgg · 27/08/2023 18:53

I think there is a slight difference between someone who is knowingly picky because they'd rather be single than date below their standards and people who are effectively "incels".

You know the type - they're not just picky, they're very critical of their potential partners and very vocal about it. It's the "women don't want nice guys / men only date bimbos" crowd. So they desperately want to date someone, but that someone has to meet often unreasonable expectations (to the point of literally not existing in real life) or they get very critical about people who have done nothing except just not dating them...

although i just tend to tell them that they are absolutely right, everyone else sucks, they're great and they should just not date anyone :)

I do agree with this. I’m picky for a reason. I am on OLD at the moment and I want a man who has his shit together. The huge majority of them don’t seem to have their shit together at all and have some sob story or claim all their exes are psychos or claim they are ‘unadatable’! Any man who messages me playing the ‘boohoo poor me let’s all feel sorry for me because women don’t want to date me’ instantly get told to jog on. There is a reason why women don’t want to date them, you can literally feel them sucking the life out of you over messages online! Then there are those men who will start off chatting to you and then find some half naked ‘bimbo’ full of filters on every single picture and move onto chatting to them! Then 2 years later they are still on the same dating app moaning about all the women and saying they look ‘nothing like their pictures’! As of these men actually think these women are really made of filtered plastic and look that way in real life!

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2023 19:24

I haven't watched it yet, but I'm aware that men get fewer likes than women, but I don't think that makes it easier for women to find a serious relationship. Men are less fussy than women on apps, but they're more likely to be looking for casual sex and people are generally less fussier for casual.

Tinybrother · 27/08/2023 19:27

A huge proportion of men are really terrible though. The bar is set incredibly low for men as it is, and many still fail to meet it

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 19:28

I disagree. I was never desperate or picky but I did try to find somebody about a decade ago. There certainly weren't lots of men I could consider having sex with, and really, unless you can visualise growing sufficiently attracted to somebody to sleep with somebody then the whole venture is utterly pointless. A few times I talked myself in to thinking more of somebody than they really merited and then they dumped me or worse, ghosted me! So although I rejected men so unattractive I could never have had a relationship of that nature with them, a good few men dumped me as soon as they'd slept with me (pretty much). I gave up.

No regrets about having given up. There is too much pressure to meet somebody/be with somebody. It's not worth it. If it happens, so be it. But the pool has slim pickings and I wasn't asking for too much. Everything I asked, I was ''offering'' myself. eg, good health, solvent, sane, good company.....

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2023 19:28

Warburtons · 27/08/2023 16:49

I once saw on here something like ‘if you can’t be picky about who you let in your vagina what can you be picky with’ and it makes sense.

It also makes evolutionary sense for women - eggs are precious, sperm are not.

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 19:30

Tinybrother · 27/08/2023 19:27

A huge proportion of men are really terrible though. The bar is set incredibly low for men as it is, and many still fail to meet it

This is the problem.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 19:31

Tinybrother · 27/08/2023 19:27

A huge proportion of men are really terrible though. The bar is set incredibly low for men as it is, and many still fail to meet it

Completely agree with this! Most men I’ve come across on OLD very rarely make the effort to fill out their bios! I’ve just had one message me now! Not filled out his profile properly, not written anything in his bio, has a picture of himself stood next to another woman ( who he cropped out but you can still see part of her face and hair)and messaged me with the words ‘hey sexy’!! They really do not help themselves! But as pp has said, most men seem to be looking for casual sex - so how do they expect to get ‘likes on their profile when it’s obvious the vast majority of them just want to play around! And this is why I said earlier that I’m extremely picky in who I date. I won’t just date anyone for ‘date’s sake’.

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 19:36

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 18:41

Wow! I’m also single but very picky! I know why I’m single… and it’s because I am picky - because I choose to be picky! I won’t just date any random psycho I ‘match’ with on OLD! NO! I am looking for a specific type of man with a specific personality. Those sort of men are hard to come by and the ones that do exist seem to be already taken.
So yes I CHOOSE to be single because the right person (for me) hasn’t yet come my way! I don’t moan about it per-se but I do feel sadness sometimes! I do not see what the problem is. Some people just haven’t met the right one for them. I won’t go on dates with just any random man just for ‘date’s sake’, they have to have the qualities I’m looking for.

And stay picky! A relationship is not like a job, you don't have to have one. Why should you? if it's not worth it, it's not worth it.

I felt pressure for years to try and meet somebody and I met a few people and most of them were awful looking back on it. Despite being awful, most of them still ghosted me or dumped me in some form, so the notion that internet dating is harder for men puzzles me.

If you have a ten 55 year old men and they send messages to women aged hmm from 47 to 60, they're going to have a fair chance of getting a reply. If a woman off 55 sends a message to a group of men aged 47 to 60, she'd be lucky to get one reply.

So the problem is created by the men themselves who all despite their own age group carry on only considering the youngest age group or the age band below their own.

A lot of 50 year old men come away from internet dating demoralised and dejected because the 35 year olds weren't biting their arm off.

I am past caring now. Dating or trying to date is not for me now.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 19:42

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 19:36

And stay picky! A relationship is not like a job, you don't have to have one. Why should you? if it's not worth it, it's not worth it.

I felt pressure for years to try and meet somebody and I met a few people and most of them were awful looking back on it. Despite being awful, most of them still ghosted me or dumped me in some form, so the notion that internet dating is harder for men puzzles me.

If you have a ten 55 year old men and they send messages to women aged hmm from 47 to 60, they're going to have a fair chance of getting a reply. If a woman off 55 sends a message to a group of men aged 47 to 60, she'd be lucky to get one reply.

So the problem is created by the men themselves who all despite their own age group carry on only considering the youngest age group or the age band below their own.

A lot of 50 year old men come away from internet dating demoralised and dejected because the 35 year olds weren't biting their arm off.

I am past caring now. Dating or trying to date is not for me now.

OMG so true! I’m late 30s and the amount of men in their 50s, 60s and 70s who have messaged me is unreal! It’s as if they feel entitled to date younger women!
I rejected one man in his late 50’s so he messaged me back with “good I’ve found someone else younger than you anyway”!
My response to him was “yes and I have found someone else younger than you too”! This was the same man who told me that all the women look like ‘dogs’ and are ‘too old and menopausal’! What an entitled arse!

lolstevelol · 27/08/2023 19:47

@Gwenhwyfar I agree - although its far easier for women to get dates, it is harder for them to get quality dates, particularly quality men who actually want a long term serious relationship. Men on the other hand find it extremely difficult to even get one date, however although they get fewer dates, they are more likely to get higher quality dates. Women also get penalised harshly for age. Overall, finding a quality long term partner is hard for both Men and Women.

Greenwitchhorse · 27/08/2023 19:52

Maybe you should concentrate on your own life and get a new hobby...

ValentinaTheVampire · 27/08/2023 19:55

Team stay picky!

It's better than settling for someone totally inappropriate and then ending up married to them with kids etc.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 27/08/2023 20:11

I think some of these people don’t actually want to be in a relationship if they’re completely honest with themselves. Society tells them they should be.

frozendaisy · 27/08/2023 20:55

Think it's probably best if we all just blame Madonna!

Ceriane · 27/08/2023 21:02

@Floogal people like you are more than my pet hate. I’m battling health issues and do not have the energy to date and I don’t really want a relationship at the moment. I have this “friend” who every time I see her she goes on and on as though finding a man should be top of my priority list and telling me I’m too picky (even though I don’t even know any men) and generally makes me feel as bad as I can possibly feel. Really made my life hell and acted like being single is a crime.

You don’t know what might be going on with someone, they may have experienced trauma, or have been in a relationship where they were unhappy or have health issues and not feel up to dating or not feel up to sex. They may be asexual and just want to sound normal or maybe questioning their sexuality. Some people just want to be on their own for a while and pretend to be more bothered about finding someone than they actually are to sound normal. Personally I think people should be more fussy as too many people are in unhappy relationships.

You are going to be living with/sleeping with this person so why shouldn’t you be fussy. It’s your body and your life. Why isn’t it okay to be happy by yourself and to being in a relationship if and when it feels right? Not everyone feels comfortable or even safe about meeting up with strangers they have met online.

I just want to be on my own for now without being bullied by people who think like you and that is my absolute right!!!

Are you in a relationship because you settled for someone you weren’t attracted to and didn’t love? Do you see having a relationship like having a job, that you have to have one and any relationship is better than being on your own? Do you think you are superior to people who are not in a relationship?

You should focus on your own life. Why does this bother you so much? I had my life made hell by someone who thinks like you do, and all the while I was battling health issues I couldn’t talk about and didn’t want to date.

BackAgainstWall · 27/08/2023 22:27

Yanbu
Yes, I do think some people like your friends are extremely unrealistic and short sighted.

I have known people who are lonely but wouldn’t even consider at least going for one coffee with someone to at least find out.

One of my friends who wasn’t ever an oil painting used to go for guys 20-25 years younger than her and yes she’s still single and very lonely after decades of frankly being utterly deluded.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 23:03

Op what's your relationship status?

Do you think you'd be able to settle for the current dating pool if you became single?

People are allowed to want decent companionship and be frustrated that they can't meet someone who suits their wants/needs

EmmaEmerald · 27/08/2023 23:16

Floogal · 27/08/2023 15:30

@PurpleChrayne apparently because she was a gay icon in the 80s and 90s. Personally I think Madonna is overrated. But, she (my colleague who said that) was just venting and seemed quite angry and bitter. Also her 'friends' seem to use her which probably doesn't help

Wait... your friend thinks a gay icon has made men gay? Sorry, I really need clarity on this 😂

Floogal · 27/08/2023 23:20

EmmaEmerald · 27/08/2023 23:16

Wait... your friend thinks a gay icon has made men gay? Sorry, I really need clarity on this 😂

Yeah I'm still baffled

OP posts:
egowise · 27/08/2023 23:23

Hahahahaha

I'm not going to lower my standards because some random thinks they are too high... Have you seen the pool of men available?

I gave up OLD 18 months ago. I likely won't be meeting anyone any time soon and I am not going to settle because of that.

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2023 23:25

Appearance is one of the least important qualities when choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with. Shared values, interests, and compatible personalities are what last a lifetime.

A man could be Adonis personified, if he is boring, he isn’t worth dating.

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