Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

@80s never saw Extras. But I remember Miranda's mum kept fixing her up with strange men. Also a scene on Superstore where Mateo and Cheyenne tell Amy that she's not perfect herself and shouldn't be so picky

The Relationships board is littered with the problems of people who weren't picky enough. There's no such thing as being too picky imo. Why on earth bother dating people you already don't fancy or who don't sound like they'd be a good match? Better to stay single.

Maggie tends to go for the pretty boys, who turn out to be total idiots.
Miranda gets the dream boy, who's also great!

One series written by a man who's not conventionally attractive, the other by a woman who's not conventionally attractive :D

The most concerned part of your post is that someone thinks that Paul Hollywood is attractive.

If it’s overweight, arrogant men with a history of cheating that your friend is looking for, OLD would be ideal for her.

Exactly! I do get the impression that a lot of people just go on dates with whoever they ‘match’ with or whoever they get chatting to. I find the whole ‘matching’ thing on OLD silly in the first place because most of the ‘matches’ are questionable.

He does have nice eyes though😂

How would you do it instead?
In real life, you also go on dates with the people who fancy the look of you and vice versa, and with people you get chatting with.

As I’m much older and wiser than my younger, naive self, I’m extremely good at sniffing out bs nowadays. I’d be the same in real life as I am on OLD. I wouldn’t just date anyone, as I said in my earlier posts, I look for certain qualities in a man. I can usually tell if they have those qualities or not very quickly now. Yes I may be picky but having said that, I have learned from my own bad experiences and I’m not going there again.

Also just to add to my last reply. No I wouldn’t just go on a date with someone I get chatting to or like the look of in real life. Looks are unimportant to me. What is important to me is personality and having his shit together.

I’m single in my 50’s after a 25 year relationship then a break and I’d rather be single forever than date someone who isn’t right for me.

There may be 5 men for each woman online but my experience as an older woman who is reasonably attractive, not overweight, well groomed and very social is that the men are either looking for a housewife to take care of them or they’re after easy sex. And once they know I’m not jumping into bed on the second date they’re gone.

I don’t actually have a long list of requirements but being able to hold a conversation is right at top for me. The amount of messages I get along lines of ‘your sexy babe’ (sic), or just a 👋 or the worst (re a full length photo) ‘now that’s an ass I could grab when your on top’ - and we are supposed to settle for that!!!!

Money doesn’t impress me and looks aren’t everything but I know what I bring to the table and I want something back on mine. A nice steady working man who knows his own mind - is that really being too picky?

I wouldn’t just go on a date with someone I get chatting to or like the look of in real life.
So you would only date people you already know pretty well? I guess that has its pros too.

I'm in my thirties, I had some hope that men would grow up, and I may find someone later in life. I guess not!

Sigh

I’m exactly the same (except for being ‘very social’); after a year of OLD it was very clear to me that it was not the way forward. The messages, it was soul-destroying.

"@Floogalpeople like you are more than my pet hate. I’m battling health issues and do not have the energy to date and I don’t really want a relationship at the moment. I have this “friend” who every time I see her she goes on and on as though finding a man should be top of my priority list and telling me I’m too picky (even though I don’t even know any men) and generally makes me feel as bad as I can possibly feel. Really made my life hell and acted like being single is a crime."

This 100 percent. I have 2 "friends" who are very similar and seem to take it as a personal affront that I won't just date anyone despite knowing I'm going through health issues which mean dating isn't even on my radar atm. Not coincidentally, they are both very unhappy with their respective partners and have massively settled for men that noone would consider a catch. Consequently I think they find the notion that someone could be happy on their own and indeed, prefer it to settling for a man who treats them terribly, hugely triggering.

It's quite frustrating, particularly as I never discuss my personal life with them but I take solace in the fact that anyone who gets upset or bothered by someone else's choices is clearly not happy in themselves.

No. I have managed to build up a lovely rapport with a few men. Some in real life, some on OLD. The ones on OLD who I have got chatting to and feel there is something about them that I like, then I will continue the chat and maybe meet them if I am SURE they have the qualities I’m looking for. In real life, I usually get chatting to lots of men of the opposite sex due to my work situation. I have been asked out, it is then up to me to accept or reject. I may become friends with these men if I feel they are nice enough people but just not for me ie. In terms of what I’m looking for in a partner.

Ah, I see @littlebopeepp234 - yes, I think there are two camps there on OLD - the "meet asap" and the "chat first" types. I do filter heavily online too but I'd rather sniff people out properly by meeting, even if that does mean more first dates :)

If they only fancy / want a relationship with someone on the basis of looks they are on a hiding to nothing anyway.

There is also self awareness. Why expect other people to have low standards whilst expecting to be able to punch significantly above your own weight.

This is about realism and knowing that you can dream about being a doctor, but unless you have the qualifications from years of work and the luck of having enough underlying intelligence, you might want to quit moaning and reassess your ambitions.

If you aren't prepared to do this, why the fuck should anyone having sympathy or the patience to listen to your whinging.

A good relationship is always about equals on some level. If you don't get that you are doomed to fail.

No I wouldn’t just go on a date with someone I get chatting to or like the look of in real life. Looks are unimportant to me.

Looks aren't the most important thing, but they are important- I am unlikely to swipe right, or IRL at a bar or something, start chatting to someone if I don't like the look of them. It might not be conventional looks, but there needs to be a twinkle in the eye or something. The chatting bit is to establish if they have a decent, interesting personality. Then they might get a date - or at least an exchange of numbers to say, let's go to that exhibition or something, because even with non-dating new people, just friends, there needs to be some sort of attraction, just not the want to go to bed sort.

It takes a good bit of self-persuasion/imagination/beer to fancy someone who's not obviously attractive.
When I met my dp he had really bad teeth (was in the process of getting them fixed), and generally looked like your average 52yo unfit, balding man. I liked his character, his voice, his mind, but it still took a while for me to find him attractive and thus want a physical relationship with him. Now I love the way he looks because I associate his looks with having a great time, and I look forward to seeing him. But at first I really had to work on it, looking at him and thinking "I like the colour of his eyes", "I like his broad shoulders", "He has great calves". (He has great calves!)
I don't punch above my weight, but I couldn't be with someone I don't fancy. Luckily I'm able to work up an appetite for those in my weight class. I think that some people find that harder. I don't judge them for that.

it’s not really - it’s been said many times before and wasn’t really funny or clever those times either

OP, I hear what you are saying. Dating today sounds incredibly transactional, in a way that seems to breed entitlement to check list requirements, but leaves little room for real connection and exploration of whether or not you and that person have shared desires or values.

Friends of mine who have found a partner through online dating, have then gone on to have relationships in which each jealously guards 'their' money and property, in a way that makes me wonder if they ever really wanted a partnership at all.

One friend who spent most of her 30s pulling her hair out trying to find 'a good relationship' on the apps, has finally found a lovely bloke who she now lives with and is trying for a baby with, and spends most of his days doing up her new property, while she spends all her time whining about his lack of money and asking other friends if they will go on holiday with her as her 'boyfriend can't afford it'.

I do wonder if the housing crisis and the inherent inequality this has introduced to relationships has contributed to this increasingly transactional approach in relationships. My female friends say they aspire to the marriage and children but the institution of marriage and the concept of the nuclear family is based on shared property and finances, but men and women dating today don't seem like they really want to do that, but very little thought is given to HOW exactly they are going to do this.

Also, there seems to be an enormous amount of externalising of the problems single people experience when dating now. The dating pool is awful with women are all gold diggers while men are all trash, apparently, as demonstrated on this thread. Nothing to do with the posters themselves, oh, no no no.

When I was dating there was at least a little bit of reflection on the fact that the common denominator for all the awful lying, cheating, misogynistic arsehole men I was dating... was me!

I did eventually realise I needed to change my approach, relationship expectations and the pool I was looking in before it was fair to announce 'all men are trash'! And then, yes, I met my husband.

Yes it’s so hard. Even when you filter heavily there are still so many men who just aren’t worth the time and effort. So many of them don’t even bother to fill out their profiles etc.
I honestly don’t have the time for meeting too many men or having lots of fist dates due to my kids and work commitments so I’m not sure if that method is a success or not.

It's just annoying, as you know that the same man who makes this comment will slag off a woman as "letting herself go" if she doesn't do these things, or start asking faux-innocent questions about why women have short hair when long hair is sexier.

As someone who lost half her inheritance to someone who brought nothing to the relationship and didn't even buy any of the stuff for the house, you can be sure I'll guard my money in future and make sure that the next man can at least match my contribution. I was sensible and had it protected until he asked me to marry him and it was then voided once we moved house by which time he had his plan in place.

Interesting thread.
I agree with the op to some extent.
Its a shame that single people feel the need to couple up, although I understand people want to feel loved and wanted.
I think women need to be more picky. Reasons for this are; if you want children it’s mainly the woman who contributes more to the relationship. Just look at threads on here. Endless threads where the woman works outside the home yet does far too much of the housework and childcare. No woman wants that. How to be sure that the man you choose will not turn out to be a useless dosser.
Secondly, older women who are looking for a partner but do not want children. Perhaps they have been married before with children. They can afford to be picky. The do not need a man to have a family with. They have already gotten rid of a useless man and now want someone better. They need to sift through the dross as it were. Again as a lot of men do not contribute enough with regards the household chores, the women have to be picky. Also attractiveness. Women tend to look better than men. The average single 45 year old woman will look better than the average single 45 year old man.
Why should an attractive woman settle for what has been described as a potato with eyes?
Another factor is societal pressure. In the past there was huge pressure to be coupled up. Now it’s acceptable for a say a 45 year old to be single or have a partner but not live together. Casual is far more acceptable. Casuals tend to put the effort in, they have to. They tend to clean their homes and cook for their partner. They also make an effort looks wise.