Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Desperate yet picky single people

276 replies

Floogal · 27/08/2023 14:22

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

  1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Tinybrother · 28/08/2023 14:20

straight women: if you complain about your husband you get “well why did you marry him then? You should have higher standards” and if you complain about being single “you’re being too picky”

i don’t think the problem is the women…

suitcasecoveredincathair · 28/08/2023 14:24

Floogal · 27/08/2023 23:20

Yeah I'm still baffled

I blame Kylie, personally 😉

Ceriane · 28/08/2023 14:29

@Justanotherdobby you are 100% right.

I think the OP is talking about people who constantly talk about how much they want to find someone but have a long list of unrealistic requirements, things they don’t have themselves.

My situation is that at the moment dating is the least of my priorities as just not been up to it and would need to feel right about the person, it’s more likely to be someone I have got to know and trust in real life rather than someone I have met online as I don’t want to do online dating. I’m not bothered about finding someone right now I’m happy as I am and get sick of the pressure I get from other people and it bothers me that people make assumptions that I must be like the people the OP is talking about.

With this friend I never bring the subject up, she always does as though all I should be thinking about is men and why I don’t have one, she goes on at me as though she assumes I’m like the people the OP is talking about, and that I’m single because I’m too fussy and just want someone with no flaws. Last time she just said thing after thing after thing really running me down about being single when I had never even said I was looking for a relationship (and was going through a bad time so it was the last thing on my mind). I think people who have an issue with it must not be happy in their own relationship or it wouldn’t bother them. A bit of “well I settled , how dare you not” like they don’t realise that having a man is NOT compulsory!!!

Justanotherdobby · 28/08/2023 14:54

@Ceriane "A bit of “well I settled , how dare you not” like they don’t realise that having a man is NOT compulsory!!!"

This is my theory as well, I can't think why else they take it so personally.

Also, can I recommend that you remove this friend you've mentioned from your life or at the very least distance yourself? If you've got health problems, the last thing you need is someone in your life who doesn't lift you up or make you feel good. As I'm sure we both know now, life is short, best to spend it around people you feel happy and comfortable around 😊

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/08/2023 15:40

I'm 51 and have been happily married for 20 years, to my second ever boyfriend (not for want of offers), who I met when I was 29. Even as a teenager, I was never interested in going out with someone just for the sake of not being single. If I were to find myself single now, I would almost certainly choose to stay that way for the rest of my life, and absolutely would not touch OLD with a bargepole.

amispeakingintongues · 28/08/2023 16:17

I get why its annoying, you want to see your friends happy and settled and not desperate for attention.

However they are shallow. That is their big blind spot.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/08/2023 16:43

@80s "Don't most people have a) impossible dreams, b) ideal standards and c) standards they'll actually also be fine with when the right person eventually comes along?"

Sadly she's been waiting for 14 years since her marriage break up, has squandered her share of the financial settlement, spends all her money on very skimpy clothes and holidays (alone in isolated places) and is very bitter about it all.

She believes in all the manifestation nonsense. Just because she believes it therefore it will happen..... and is quite cross that it hasn't after 14 years and is still flatly refusing to do anything of substance to change her circumstances.

User1789 · 28/08/2023 16:52

Yettisrus29 · 28/08/2023 13:52

As someone who lost half her inheritance to someone who brought nothing to the relationship and didn't even buy any of the stuff for the house, you can be sure I'll guard my money in future and make sure that the next man can at least match my contribution. I was sensible and had it protected until he asked me to marry him and it was then voided once we moved house by which time he had his plan in place.

Nobody forced you to marry somebody who's contribution to the relationship you didn't value.

frozendaisy · 28/08/2023 16:58

User1789 · 28/08/2023 16:52

Nobody forced you to marry somebody who's contribution to the relationship you didn't value.

But then you get called a gold-digger not in it for love blah blah blah.

Everything me&H have we have together if he disappeared in a puff of air there is not a chance some not father of our kids would swoop in with marriage offers and take anything from them. Because we are now mere caretakers of their wealth now not owners.

So yeah date, have fun, perhaps even being equal things to living together, but a marriage claim on the kid's assets and money, nah fuck that.

frozendaisy · 28/08/2023 16:59

Plus as you get older, chances are one of you will have to look after the other, if only a bit, so he had better be worth it.

frozendaisy · 28/08/2023 17:00

Although sometimes it's not difficult to understand why some people remain single. And "they are picky" is not the top of the list eh!

User1789 · 28/08/2023 17:02

@frozendaisy you don't have to marry or cohabit with somebody that you do not wish to share your assets with. But people do date with an intention to marry, reproduce and cohabit with no intention of really sharing finances in a partnership without acknowledging the legal and practical problems that might be associated with that. You see it on threads on here a lot.

80s · 28/08/2023 17:06

That is a shame @OrderOfTheKookaburra - if you're convinced that happiness looks a certain way then you can easily miss happiness that comes in other forms.

User1789 · 28/08/2023 17:13

frozendaisy · 28/08/2023 16:59

Plus as you get older, chances are one of you will have to look after the other, if only a bit, so he had better be worth it.

That is the entire point of choosing a life-long monogamous partnership and creation of a family unit. Why wouldn't you want to do best by the parent of your child/ren?

But if you want to have a relationship/partner/marriage but want to opt out of that bit, as well as the genuine sharing of finances if you cohabit (not just an assumed 50/50 split), you sure as hell need to be pretty upfront about that from the beginning, and I don't think people are, and are then outraged when they don't get what they want/feel entitled to when the relationship falls apart.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2023 18:23

"And you neverhear coupled people say "yes, I totally settled for DP, they weren't what I wanted really but I knew my limitations in attracting someone better"

My friend said something like she learned to realise a man had to be 'good enough' and 'not perfect' which is I think a polite way of saying what you've written above. Saying it very plainly would be insulting to the partner.

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 18:25

@Gwenhwyfar to be honest being the "good enough" sounds quite miserable

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2023 18:27

"Does anyone remember the episode from "Extras" where Maggie's annoying friend keeps trying to set her up with men Maggie does not fancy, but that the friend thinks are on her level?"

No, but I remember the part of Bridget Jones where Bridget is sat next to an awful man her friends obviously thought would be a good match for her.
I suppose he's Mr Collins as opposed to Mr Darcy. In P&P Charlotte was able to objectively evaluate her worth on the marriage market and recognise that Mr Collins would be a good match for her, but in those days a woman really needed a man. Now, if we want to, we can actually say we want prince charming or nobody because we don't have to settle for anybody.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/08/2023 18:28

ValentinaTheVampire · 27/08/2023 19:55

Team stay picky!

It's better than settling for someone totally inappropriate and then ending up married to them with kids etc.

Yes!!

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2023 18:31

Arrivederla · 28/08/2023 10:44

A male friend of mine once said that women that wore a lot of make up, hair extensions , padded bras and control knickers were breaching trading standards.

This is brilliant.

No, it's silly.
Where does it end? Can't brush your hair because he should see how your hair is a hornet's nest in the morning? Can't wear baggy clothes so that he can see you have love handles? People have always embellished their appearance.

Noicant · 28/08/2023 18:31

I think women should be more picky, as long as you accept that you may never meet someone but prefer that to settling then it should be fine.

However yes if you are talking about someone who’s permanently skint complaining about not being able to find someone who’s loaded I would also raise an eyebrow.

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 18:34

I always felt bad for Mr Collins, sure he was annoying but he ended up married to someone who did her absolute best to avoid spending time with him

and to me that's the other side of "settling for less" - literally nobody wins in that scenario

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2023 18:49

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 18:25

@Gwenhwyfar to be honest being the "good enough" sounds quite miserable

My friend seems happy.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/08/2023 18:51

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 18:34

I always felt bad for Mr Collins, sure he was annoying but he ended up married to someone who did her absolute best to avoid spending time with him

and to me that's the other side of "settling for less" - literally nobody wins in that scenario

I think both he and Charlotte did as well as they could. He wouldn't have met a woman who was very attracted to him and she wouldn't have found a better match in terms of money/lifestyle.

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 19:06

@Gwenhwyfar possibly, for the time period it made perfect sense. Through modern lens - I think I'd genuinely prefer to stay single than settle, partly because I don't fully believe people are capable of accepting what they settled for.

Relationships can hit rough patches and if we start off from a position of already being somewhat lukewarm on the partner we've picked, the motivation to work through those difficult times may not be there. Not to mention people who "settle" and then relentlessly bully / mistreat their partner for not being up to their imaginary standards.

Swipe left for the next trending thread