Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

"@Gwenhwyfarpossibly, for the time period it made perfect sense."

Well, yes, that's what I wrote. An unmarried woman was a burden on her family in those days, not the same now.

I'm currently OLD, I'm picky for good reasons but I am well aware I'm not for everyone. I'm late 40's menopausal, have a young child and work shifts. Im chubby, and don't dye my hair. I'm not 'picky' about the physical but like a previous pp said they need to have their shit together. I'm not wanting to live with someone at the moment having almost fallen prey to a cocklodger in my last relationship 2 years ago. I don't really want just a hook up and I don't want anyone coming to my house as their idea of a first date. This is my child's space. Sifting through the men that havent updated their profile since covid, are living with their parents, between jobs, can't drive, have partners or insist on calling everyone Hun or babe

Sorry posted too soon!

Want to have sex straight away or question me about the size of my breasts while being unable to hold together a conversation. Leaves you with extremely slim pickings!

Doesn't mean I wouldn't love a relationship though

@Justanotherdobby thank you. I distanced myself quite some time ago when I realised I don’t have to keep being stressed out by this person and feeling I have to justify myself. Prior to that I used to think it was what I had to put up with until I found someone cos that’s what people do. I now know it isn’t, only deeply insecure people have an issue with it.

In response to the OP though, why on earth should anyone get into a relationship with someone they don’t want to be with? Who benefits from that? Absolutely no one. It’s the road to misery. Best to be happy being you and if you meet someone you really like along the way and it turns into a relationship then that’s fantastic as well. It’s not 1956. You don’t HAVE to have a relationship and you probably didn’t back then either.

If you don't make a new will after you are remarried, like the moment after, registry to solicitor, you could be screwed over. Or your kids could.

I love my kids more than any other non-H man and I certainly wouldn't let anything he built up be in any way compromised.

But we are beyond the age of reproducing.

If H disappeared then I might like other company but that would all it would be and yes I would be fucking picky. So I would be single, rich, could drive, have holidays, not work, have two kids (and perhaps their families), friends and freedom. Yes, very picky.

Like fucking picky.

It's fine to be picky.
Not like some "hey sexy" potato with eyes loser could ever bring anything to my life I haven't already got or had.

A grown man living with parents between jobs.

Oh my actual fucking god.

I didn't even move home during university breaks. Yes I worked shit jobs but it's what you did.

I’ve been single for 7 or 8 years. I would love to meet someone but I am fussy, mainly because I am happy with my own company and although I would like to meet someone I don’t want the stress of settling for someone that’s not perfect, I would rather stay single for the rest of my life then end up with someone who annoys the hell out of me. I have been in abusive relationships, been cheated on and lied too so I need to be picky, there are a lot of snakes out there.

Agree with PPs that you sound very judgemental. I suppose you yourself are no stunner and settled for your own partner did you? And you expect everyone else should? We are 100% allowed to have a type, aspire to be happy and go for what we want. Your description of the woman is especially bitchy as well: Women dont actually need money to attract a man, just looks- as you say, she has a pretty face: If she lost the weight, sorted her breath out and worked just a bit more on herself she could indeed attract the type of man she wants.

You sound like you're very bitter and jealous. I've had former female "friends" try to set me up with ugly, substandard men out of pure jealously and because they're in misreable, sexless relationships and marriages themselves. You should have seen their faces fall when I introduced them to my now FI! (6ft 2, long dark curly hair and looks like a rock star)

As if you could pull Slash 😹

I don't want anyone coming to my house as their idea of a first date

The number of men who have suggested that is SCARY! Saying they’ll come over once my kids are in bed. I mean 🤢

Op, it seems you're only picking out the stuff about appearance rather than the good reasons why people are being picky. Why is that?

@Gwenhwyfar but even for the time period it was sad, and even back then when marrying "best you could afford" was a somewhat of a necessity, people were complaining about their unhappy marriages :(

In any case in my eyes that's even more of the reason to stay single rather than settle

Haha this made me chuckle as I had a friend who tried all she could to set me up with her BIL. completely not my type, I would never have picked him at all. I just didn't find him attractive, I wouldn't have even looked at him in a pub.

So every man I went on a date with wasn't good enough even the very handsome, polite, genuinely nice, you could take home to your parents and they'd love him pilot (who was exactly my type).

Course you can!

You say complain that you can't find a partner.

Yet have unrealistic standards.

Must be 6ft, drives, good job, handsome and sporty (when you're not sporty and are average looks yourself).

Or must have minimum D cup boobs and hourglass, blonde hair, not like partying (when you're an average looking fellow, yet have a very specific type of woman).

There was this YouTube video called the button or something. Seriously, the most infuriating dating show to exist.

Speed dating, press the buzzer to move onto the next person.

People will immediately press the buzzer after looking at someone or asking them a simple question. They do it because they want to reject rather than be rejected. So obvious that some of the people in that show are seriously insecure and need to reject someone else first so their feelings aren't hurt.

I think it’s hard to make relationships work.
In the past many, many people suffered abusive relationships as there was not really an alternative. Women could not own property, often couldn’t work in good jobs, were lumbered with endless children, and were publicly shamed if they divorced. Let’s not forget they were also punished if they had a child outside of marriage. Many people tolerated abuse of all kinds; financial, physical, sexual, emotional. They stuck with their adulterous partner.
I think it’s fine to be picky and try to avoid all of that.
I do get that some people are punching way above their weight like in the posters examples above though.

People should be picky about a life partner. They want what they want and either get it or don't.

Settling for someone you don't love or fancy enough is never the answer. Also believing that one must only date those in their 'league' is silly. I know plenty of mismatched look couples who are smitten.

My per hate is people who are in a relationship and they think they know what it's like in today's world of OLD. In reality they know bugger all as they've been married for the last 20 years!

I've never written a message like this but frankly keep your nose out of what other people do/don't want. Just because your standards might be low as hell, doesn't mean other peoples should be.

What a judgemental person you are. Just because someone doesn't like someone you tried to fix them up with you "lost sympathy".

You sound like the kind of smug person who lacks empathy that I'd steer a mile away from to be honest. I'm single and I would consider myself picky because weirdly my standards were pretty low previously and I don't just want to date anyone thank you very much - look how many unhappy people there are posting on here for exactly that reason, because they overlooked things.

I can't believe you've actually come on here and posted about it as well... and to add to that, what YOU think of how they look in terms of attractiveness is really irrelevant - if they think they look great and you think they're below standard that just pushes home my view of you. Try bringing people up for once instead of knocking them down yeah?

I just can't believe the number of married Mumsnetters who have unattractive, bitter, delusional friends. I mean- is this some sort of community service or have you considered being friends with people you actually LIKE - rather than those you feel superior to?

I kind of get what you are saying, but I do think you sound a tiny bit judgemental, and kind of a ‘smug married’ no offence 😀

I actually have 2 friends very similar to yours (gay very overweight male friend who only fancies Harry Styles lookalike type guys and an older skint, bit boring to be fair, female, who turns her nose up at anyone who is not exciting and loaded).

My peeve is listening to them constantly go on about how difficult it is to meet anyone decent , when their expectations of who would be interested in them are my opinion a bit unrealistic. 😂

Absolutely. Being single now after being in a 25 year relationship and having not been on a date since about 1990 is another world that I had no idea actually existed.

Anyone who is currently a smug married has no idea what’s round the corner and what it’s like putting yourself back out there after so long. I could never have imagined being single again at my age but life throws us curve balls and we deal with them in the best way we can

I haven't rtwt, although I can see from the last few posts, it may have taken a turn ...

However, going from the initial post, OP i get where you're coming from. I have the loveliest male friend - in his 50s, unmarried, no kids who has been single forever. Unfortunately, he's no looker but what he lacks in attractiveness he more than makes up for in humour, wit and personality. For the first few years of our friendship, I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was the perpetual singleton - he pretty much has his shit together ( own home, car, ok career, close ties with his family yada yada) and in my eyes, ticks a lot of boxes with the added bonus of no baggage or sociopathic tendencies! He'd forever be bemoaning his lack of success with women, (apparently we only wanted male models or millionaires!) and despite me pointing out that simply wasn't true and if that were the case, 90% of the world would be bloody single - he still wouldn't believe it! I used to feel so so sorry for him; that essentially he was so lacking in confidence and self esteem, he truly believed no woman would ever want him. That he believed himself to be so unloveable and unattractive that his fate was sealed. I used to think this until very recently!!!

It's now become clear he has a very specific type - big boobs, long thick brunette hair, cushion lips, in her 30s, curvy without being fat, almost cartoonesque in appearance ( think Tanya in housewives of Cheshire) and this is the ONLY type he lusts after. He actually couldn't give a fig about their personality - be it selfish or unintelligent or unkind, he really doesn't care as long as they have " the look" and the reality is, this type wouldn't give him the time of day, so he's right in that regard!. It's so sad to see the truth reveal itself. I've wasted years trying to build up his confidence when in actual fact, he is shallow and superficial and WILL most likely forver remain alone. I see him in a whole new light nowadays; my sympathy has been thwarted and replaced by disgust mostly - that he desires a blow up doll not a real adult relationship!

Well
We can only hope that one day they will be filled with self loathing and will assume no one could ever love them.
They will be miserable but at least you won’t have to listen to them.

Being picky is a good thing. I am only looking for someone to enhance my life and if I don’t find him then I am happier single than with a man that can’t meet expectations.