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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 26/08/2023 16:32

Nobody leaves a loving solid relationship over one argument, no matter how bad. I think you're either not telling the whole story here or you're not being honest with yourself. Your husband and children have left because of this argument so it's likely this was the final straw. You seem pretty convinced it's over for good so I don't think your relationship was anywhere near as good as you're making out.

Ways to get over heartbreak? Start by being honest with yourself about hoe your behaviour affects everyone around you.

MumblesParty · 26/08/2023 16:32

If this relationship is genuinely as good as you say it is 99% or the time, then you can probably salvage it. But it’ll require a lot of work on your part. You need to stop drinking for a start. Completely. And get some counselling for whatever it is that makes you keep bringing up his exes. If he agrees to go to Relate then that might help. But you need to eat humble pie, promise to change, and mean it. Coming home drunk and screaming at someone is just not a good way to behave.

Thelittleweasel · 26/08/2023 16:32

@Ifuckeditallup

If there is any hope that you get together again [or if you both want to try] please get some counselling with - for example - Relate and commit to sorting out issues.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/08/2023 16:33

babyproblems · 26/08/2023 16:29

he sounds like a bit of a dick to me op. Sorry you’re going through this. I get the vague impression actually that he maybe doesn’t care about you as much as you’d hope and that he’s looked for an excuse to leave. He didn’t buy you a birthday present… you’re the mother of his child. Read that back. He’s a twat. Best of luck to you, you deserve better than him. Xxx

Yes I've read it back.
No present... geez my inner 8 year old is having a tantrum.
My adult self however, is not.

Presents... is that how you value your worth?? The things people write on here reveal so much about them 😂

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 26/08/2023 16:36

He's only just left. You don't need to tell family and friends yet. But it would be good for you if you told someone in RL and asked them to come over since you're on your own.
Your story isn't really hanging together that well so there's obviously something missing either from his part or yours. The 4 arguments over the course of an entire relationship are nothing. Him deliberately downplaying your birthday this year, is an issue. But the biggest problem seems to be you got drunk and abusive, and he called the police on you. If he'd posted here for advice saying you were drunk and abusive, he would absolutely have been told to call the police, pack a bag and leave.
You need to focus on your behaviour and try not to get caught up in being heartbroken. I don't think he is the love of your life if he can't be arsed to do anything for your birthday and you can get drunk and shout at him so much, the police get involved. None of that points to a healthy relationship. Maybe when you speak to someone in RL, you can ask their honest opinion about your alcohol usage. It's time to take a long, hard look at it and get the support you need to manage it. Your DH and DCs deserve to have a life that isn't marred by drunken rages.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2023 16:38

Do police really come out to houses where the man calls and says 'my girlfriend is drunk and shouting at me, but I don't feel under threat at all.' I don't know, but think maybe youre minimising this op.

SeatonCarew · 26/08/2023 16:39

Ilovelurchers · 26/08/2023 15:59

Everybody is giving the OP a hard time, but we weren't actually there, and have no idea whether his calling the police was a reasonable thing to do because he felt frightened for himself/his kids, or a manipulative act to make her out to be a drunk bully. Either could be the case.

Also people are telling her she has a drink problem, but we don't actually know this - only that she got drunk and verbally aggressive once.

I don't drink at all and am quite opposed to it actually - I have never in my life met anyone whose personality is improved by drinking - but even I know that if the definition of an alcohol problem is that you get drunk once and have a go at your partner unfairly, than a Hell of a lot of people have one!

OP, what you have described - nobody would leave their decades long relationship over this one incident. So either there are things you aren't telling us, or there are things he isn't telling you.....

Either way, hope you are ok. I think you should eat some food, go to bed, get some sleep, and see how things are looking tomorrow. Deal with the thing in front of you - it's all you can do.

I have some sympathy with this post. I see the fact that the husband called the police as being somewhat less clear cut than if a neighbour did so, for example.

OP, I wouldn't automatically assume this relationship is over yet, but clearly this is a massive wake up call that all these issues need addressing once and for all. You have a lot of history between you, take time to calm down, reflect and then talk.

MNetcurtains · 26/08/2023 16:42

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:32

@RadishAndTwiglet the arguments were 4 over all the years. We have teens we are together a lot longer than that.

That makes it worse by an order of magnitude! Christ on a bike!!🙄

MichelleScarn · 26/08/2023 16:42

Oh ffs!! Next time someone posts about an verbally aggression partner, the advice won't be to call the police if they feel threatened as it's only actually bad if someone else calls them?!

Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 16:43

I never mentioned being materialistic!

I said 'appearances' meaning you want your friends and family to think you and him are perfect together.

You have made some strange replies and are extremely focused on yourself.

1983Louise · 26/08/2023 16:44

You behaved like a spoilt child just because you didn't get a present. Traumatised your kids and discovered you have a drink problem. Time to grow up and sober up...............

MissHarrietBede · 26/08/2023 16:44

Of course the drunken ranting was wrong. Thing is, you had a feeling he wanted an out, now you have given him an out and a cast iron reason to tell friends and family as to why he’s gone.

Have to say it, look out for OW on the horizon.

Stravaig · 26/08/2023 16:46

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:31

For the people saying I caused this I KNOW I did. I am not asking advice on what to do as the damage is done I am asking on tips to cope with the heartbreak of losing your other half. Hes my best friend. I don't want to lose him but I have and I know why I just need the tools to cope with this.

I am asking on tips to cope with the heartbreak of losing your other half.

You grow up, you sober up, and you get some therapy for yourself.

RadishAndTwiglet · 26/08/2023 16:49

he sounds like a bit of a dick to me op. Sorry you’re going through this. I get the vague impression actually that he maybe doesn’t care about you as much as you’d hope and that he’s looked for an excuse to leave. He didn’t buy you a birthday present… you’re the mother of his child. Read that back. He’s a twat. Best of luck to you, you deserve better than him. Xxx

I've been on MN for the best part of 15 years and I never cease to me amazed and disappointed in equal measure by the sheer hypocrisy of some women. I can only hope to god that this particular poster did not read past the OP, and missed the bit about the police being called in front of the children.

Willmafrockfit · 26/08/2023 16:49

it sounds for the best op

Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2023 16:52

Sorry OP but I disagree with the “you don’t just leave without a long conversation”, yes you absolutely do when your “partner” disrespects you, and especially in front of your children, yes you absolutely do.

This is a worthwhile lesson for your children from your DP that you do not accept being shouted at from ANYBODY, not even someone who is supposed to love you.

Thinking99 · 26/08/2023 16:56

People are being quite harsh to you. Your DP did very little for your birthday which by all accounts is unusual. So if you are saying there weren't issues between you, then it looks like he was looking for a way out and decided to treat you badly knowing it would be upsetting. Loving partners don't treat their DPs like this unless they have already checked out and don't care. It's not about being materialistic, it's about thoughtless behaviour. The fact he decided to call the police is also strange. I'm assuming he didn't feel at risk from you, so why on earth would he escalate it like this unless he had another agenda? Either way I'm guessing the relationship is over.
Re the children they will be fine. Unless they are witnessing this on a regular basis which it sounds like they aren't. Some people on MN make out a parent can't have any emotions at all, like we're all robots or something and the children need to be protected from everything. That's not real life and the children they should be worried about are experiencing far worse than one drunken ranting argument between parents.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:56

No I am sober as a judge. No idea why anyone would think I am drinking. I merely came on to ask about getting over heartbreak because I am trying not to just go to bed and stay there. I have gone through depression before and it almost killed me, I cannot do that again. I just need a strategy to get through the next few days where I asked him if he wouldnt mind taking the kids with him so I could sort my head out they did not choose to go with him themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:59

@Thinking99 yes thank you so much. An eye opening post.

OP posts:
Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 17:08

I think this relationship has run its course OP. They all end one way or another.

At least you don’t appear to have any financial issues and aren’t married so don’t have to go through a divorce.

All you can do is focus on the children and getting them through this difficult time. Don’t go near the alcohol as it obviously doesnt do you any favours.

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 17:08

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:59

@Thinking99 yes thank you so much. An eye opening post.

Which nobody would have made if you were a man btw. They'd all be baying for your blood.
The best thing for you to do is stop talking to strangers on the internet, pay for some professional advice with all that financial wealth you have access to.

Whatever the truth is someone external with balanced judgement and training will be far more able to help you.

livinglifetothefull · 26/08/2023 17:09

You come across as me me me .
An argument over a birthday gift your not 10 and bringing up his pass ex's sorry but what he's done before he met you as nothing to do with you .
I don't blame him for leaving you sound very entitled and jealous and to be acting like that around kids is just wrong . You sound exactly the same as my mother and it was awful growing up and dad walked out in the end and so did us kids.
You acknowledge it's your fault but from your replys your still trying to make it about you .
Sorry your feelings down but harsh truth is he may not come back neither would I tbh .

Stravaig · 26/08/2023 17:10

No I am sober as a judge. No idea why anyone would think I am drinking.

The thing is, you don't sound sober. In a way, you are not sober.

Sobriety can also mean being emotionally well-regulated, balanced, and grounded; and you are currently none of those things. You are catastrophising, being dramatic, flooded with emotions, and totally self-involved; all of which separates you from reality as much being on drink or drugs does.

You need to be standing with your feet firmly on the ground, seeing the whole picture, and taking responsibility for all of your behaviour, and all of its consequences. It sounds like money is not an issue, so I strongly recommend you find an accredited and experienced psychotherapist, and knuckle down for some hard graft working on yourself.

Dery · 26/08/2023 17:10

“People are being quite harsh to you. Your DP did very little for your birthday which by all accounts is unusual. So if you are saying there weren't issues between you, then it looks like he was looking for a way out and decided to treat you badly knowing it would be upsetting. Loving partners don't treat their DPs like this unless they have already checked out and don't care. It's not about being materialistic, it's about thoughtless behaviour. The fact he decided to call the police is also strange. I'm assuming he didn't feel at risk from you, so why on earth would he escalate it like this unless he had another agenda? Either way I'm guessing the relationship is over.
Re the children they will be fine. Unless they are witnessing this on a regular basis which it sounds like they aren't. Some people on MN make out a parent can't have any emotions at all, like we're all robots or something and the children need to be protected from everything. That's not real life and the children they should be worried about are experiencing far worse than one drunken ranting argument between parents.”

This.