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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 26/08/2023 15:58

The fact that your children have also chosen to go with their father is very telling. I'm in the camp that thinks he's had enough and your recent behavior was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I think you need some constructive introspection with a good counselor.

Ilovelurchers · 26/08/2023 15:59

Everybody is giving the OP a hard time, but we weren't actually there, and have no idea whether his calling the police was a reasonable thing to do because he felt frightened for himself/his kids, or a manipulative act to make her out to be a drunk bully. Either could be the case.

Also people are telling her she has a drink problem, but we don't actually know this - only that she got drunk and verbally aggressive once.

I don't drink at all and am quite opposed to it actually - I have never in my life met anyone whose personality is improved by drinking - but even I know that if the definition of an alcohol problem is that you get drunk once and have a go at your partner unfairly, than a Hell of a lot of people have one!

OP, what you have described - nobody would leave their decades long relationship over this one incident. So either there are things you aren't telling us, or there are things he isn't telling you.....

Either way, hope you are ok. I think you should eat some food, go to bed, get some sleep, and see how things are looking tomorrow. Deal with the thing in front of you - it's all you can do.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 15:59

Reckon DP was looking for an out and grabbed it with both hands.

Heavens. The OP got so drunk and out of control in the street outside their house that her partner called the police.

I would be surprised if this was the first time this has happened, despite the OP's protestations.

I do not think that her ex was "looking for an out" - if this had been a usually satisfactory relationship he would not have left today.

There is more to this story, about which the OP is reluctant to discuss.

cittigirl · 26/08/2023 15:59

Im not minimising your behaviour OP, it must have been bad for your DH to call the police but if as you say you normally have a good relationship, maybe if you agree to stop drinking then you can resolve things, who knows? The fact that there is another property he could go to, maybe he's gone to have some space and time to think and to get the kids away from the atmosphere and give you time to sober up.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 16:00

How often do you get drunk like this, OP?

MichelleScarn · 26/08/2023 16:00

SunflowerTed · 26/08/2023 15:44

You’ve taken that from the fact he bought her a card but was intending on getting a present? And you form an opinion on his whole personality from that? Words fail

Show quote history

I can't believe, that op kicked off, was verbally aggressive enough for police to be called and there's posters STILL saying 'it's his fault, he didn't buy you what you wanted'!!

Whiskerson · 26/08/2023 16:05

It's not "unforgivable" - though it was pretty bad and you do need to get a grip.

I think you are actually avoiding dealing with it by skipping straight to this dramatic "oh dear, it's all over forever with the love of my life, nothing more I can do". More realistically, after he has cooled off, he may be up for talking and seeing if things can be mended. But you do have to go in with a constructive attitude....I get the sense you would just want him to swoop in, dry your tears and say you can make a fresh start. You don't seem to have any confidence that you guys could actually have an adult conversation that isn't either about assigning blame or magicking it all away.

You two need to be communicating better when bumps in the road happen. It's not great that he didn't get you a present, but occasional disappointments and mistakes will happen in any relationship and it's how you both address them that counts. It's all very well saying you love him with all your being, but that's not a get out of jail free card, nor is it the only thing you could have to contribute. It feels like you're holding it up as a shield. Have confidence in your ability to learn to face issues and communicate better.

RadishAndTwiglet · 26/08/2023 16:05

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Sounds like your DP was disengaging and that's why you felt insecure. The argument has allowed him to stalk off and blame you. I'm surprised shouting without any physical threat meant he called the police on you, especially as this was the first time in years. I would apologise once and then stop beating yourself up. Concentrating on kids and household and yourself sounds like a good plan. You're right a spa gift you specifically said the week before you'd not want was thoughtless. Stop the self flagellation, Reckon DP was looking for an out and grabbed it with both hands. Let him go and keep dignity.

Oh my God. Imagine this OP was the drunken, argumentative husband talking about his wife, who'd felt the need to call the police on him. So much minimising, justification for abusive, obnoxious behaviour and victim blaming.

Vitriolinsanity · 26/08/2023 16:06

Let's turn this for a second.

Female OP: DP came home pissed last night and went ballistic (again) over a row about an inadequate birthday present. The children were in the house at the time. AIBU to have called the police?

Entire of MN: hell to the no OP

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:07

@Notlongnow01 this was years ago. I metioned it in the context of how long we are together v how many arguments we have had and someone asked why.

@SunflowerTed nope nothing else going on at all.

@RadishAndTwiglet no never had any involvement nor need to before. I do not scream and shout and nor does he normally.

@Whatonearth07957 yes I had a feeling he wanted an out but felt commited to us because you do not just leave someone like this without a long talk about it.

@Valerie23 not at all I am not in the least materialistic and we do our gifts just for us not for social media. I just do not want to talk to friends or family right now till I know for sure he is not coming bac which is what i dearly want.

@Twatalert it is the first time they have ever witnessed an argument. The other handful have been when they were not in the house.

OP posts:
itsallnewnow · 26/08/2023 16:11

I agree with the other poster it's all 'me me me' your poor kids, I've also lived this experience and it doesn't feel like 'nothing is going to happen'.

You're feeling crushed etc but they've had a hug and a chat so they're fine now Hmm

Also 'he was my everything' speaks volumes about where you place the kids in the list of priorities!

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:11

@TheShellBeach it was inside the house and no it has not happened before.

@TheShellBeach in all of my years maybe 10 times.

@Whiskerson thank you that resonates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:11

I have to nip out for a bit but will come back in a while to answer any other comments.

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 26/08/2023 16:12

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 16:11

@TheShellBeach it was inside the house and no it has not happened before.

@TheShellBeach in all of my years maybe 10 times.

@Whiskerson thank you that resonates.

I'm glad it was helpful 🙂 all the best.

Megapint · 26/08/2023 16:13

To answer your question op. There is no quick fix for heartbreak. Take a few days to cry, scream (no too loud, you don't want another visit from the rozzers😉). Then, start to think about how life will look. Things you want to do, places you might want to go. Look after yourself op.

LightSpeeds · 26/08/2023 16:14

Gosh, you're getting a bad time on here. Seems like people on MN just want to kick a person when they're down.

You must be feeling heartbroken but it only happened last night so plenty of time for things to calm down - splitting up is a big step over a couple of fights!

I hope everything works out for you xx

tolerable · 26/08/2023 16:15

Are you sober just now @Ifuckeditallup ?? Your post\replies suggest probably not or completely unhinged.
also seems like theres a huge major part of your relevant backstory missing.
Sure getting drunk,cause a scene to extent your dh at least felt the need police document it,is hellish.
Over a not-got one birthday present huff is utterly ridiculous.not that any arguement should result incall cops.
how do you heal?
how bout,some food,a bath, go to bed and sleeep-maybe your headache will wear off and you'll be a bit fresher for it.
then
Find a mirror and take a long hard look in it-without the lean to scarlett oh fi-diddly-dee-ohara.then..
get right over not getting a present.your a full grown adult-boo hiss boo. at no point does wine/alchohol ever hit a point where it exonerates being an absolute arsehole.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Step up and realise your husband and kids do NOT need to tolerate intolerable behaviour,hissy fits,and police house calls. You dont need to be a threat to be a absolute nusiance.
how do i heal from this utter heartbreak!!!!!!!!!! honestly sleep it off.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 26/08/2023 16:17

You sound abusive OP

No one deserves to be abused in a relationship.

You news to work on your issues.

RadishAndTwiglet · 26/08/2023 16:17

Everybody is giving the OP a hard time, but we weren't actually there, and have no idea whether his calling the police was a reasonable thing to do because he felt frightened for himself/his kids, or a manipulative act to make her out to be a drunk bully. Either could be the case.

Yes, I suppose it could. I wonder if any poster would have thought to make that observation if the OP had been the husband in this scenario, being set up to look a drunken bully by his manipulative wife?

Also people are telling her she has a drink problem, but we don't actually know this - only that she got drunk and verbally aggressive once.

Well we know she got drunk and argumentative two nights on the trot. It was just much worse on the second night. Either way, if she argues aggressively and nastily when she's drunk then she's got a drinking problem.

Having a drinking problem isn't just about dependency.

MichelleScarn · 26/08/2023 16:19

LightSpeeds · 26/08/2023 16:14

Gosh, you're getting a bad time on here. Seems like people on MN just want to kick a person when they're down.

You must be feeling heartbroken but it only happened last night so plenty of time for things to calm down - splitting up is a big step over a couple of fights!

I hope everything works out for you xx

Seriously?!

pompomdaisy · 26/08/2023 16:19

You sound a bit like a friend of mine who binge drinks and loses her shit. Her other half just left too. I would ask for help op.

Porageeater · 26/08/2023 16:21

RadishAndTwiglet · 26/08/2023 16:17

Everybody is giving the OP a hard time, but we weren't actually there, and have no idea whether his calling the police was a reasonable thing to do because he felt frightened for himself/his kids, or a manipulative act to make her out to be a drunk bully. Either could be the case.

Yes, I suppose it could. I wonder if any poster would have thought to make that observation if the OP had been the husband in this scenario, being set up to look a drunken bully by his manipulative wife?

Also people are telling her she has a drink problem, but we don't actually know this - only that she got drunk and verbally aggressive once.

Well we know she got drunk and argumentative two nights on the trot. It was just much worse on the second night. Either way, if she argues aggressively and nastily when she's drunk then she's got a drinking problem.

Having a drinking problem isn't just about dependency.

Quite. Major relationship issue caused or significantly exacerbated by drinking = problem with alcohol.

This is the first thing you need to address OP.

EuniceLopril · 26/08/2023 16:28

For me there are a few things not adding up here.
OP you need to something about your drinking.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 16:28

The kids have been spoken to, hugged and apologised to. They are teenagers all of them and there was nothing to be afraid of only me shouting the odds. I know it is unforgivable but there was nothing physical at all and never would have been.

But the children did not know this, did they?
The police were called in order to prevent there being anything physical.

Your shouting would have frightened them.

It's no wonder they've all gone off with their father today.

babyproblems · 26/08/2023 16:29

he sounds like a bit of a dick to me op. Sorry you’re going through this. I get the vague impression actually that he maybe doesn’t care about you as much as you’d hope and that he’s looked for an excuse to leave. He didn’t buy you a birthday present… you’re the mother of his child. Read that back. He’s a twat. Best of luck to you, you deserve better than him. Xxx