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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 15:38

You're actually lucky you weren't arrested last night, OP.

Sunflowersinthewind · 26/08/2023 15:38

X post. I see the arguments about exes were a while ago

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:38

@Sunflowersinthewind im not I was using the fact that we have only ever had 4 arguments over the years to show that the relationship is normally very healthy.

OP posts:
Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 15:40

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound much like love to me. You come across as wanting to control him.

What's this talk about being best friends? He doesn't appear to like you or have an interest in you and you certainly haven't treated him with any kind of respect that is a basic requirement of any friendship/relationship let alone being best friends.

UneFoisAuChalet · 26/08/2023 15:40

Honestly OP talk about over the top reaction for not getting a birthday present. The more you post, the more convinced I am that you are entirely self-absorbed.
He’s had enough of your behaviour and I think you know that too. Work on yourself and stay away from the booze.

OldKingCole · 26/08/2023 15:41

Never mind him - you need to look after yourself and your children. You have a major problem with alcohol and this should be your focus.

BlueMoe · 26/08/2023 15:42

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:50

Lets just say the 4 over tyhe years were about his exes but not his fault to be fair more my insecurity. This week we argued because for my birthday he 'didnt have time' to buy me a gift and just gave me a card. In his head the intention was to buy me a gift later but there was no indication of this on the card or mentioned at all. We had a lovely family meal out and I drank a few too many wines and just went ballistic on him. We talked through it and then said no more bad words but I was celebrating with a night out and came home and had more wine and kicked off again. He has now packed his bags and gone. Last nights argument I was very loudly shouting and I am beyond sad and disgusted with myself to say the police were called. He will never forgive me. I am broken though.

I’m sorry you feel devastated. It’s always painful when a relationship breaks up, and I hope you recover.

For me though, the evening you have described is a dump and block scenario.
I don’t want to spend time with drunk lairy people, and no is going to ever ‘go ballistic’ on me again. Just No.

At some level, you obviously think this is ok, or is excused by alcohol. I disagree, and he obviously too.

I think it would be useful for you think about the extent to which you find him Not Good Enough, but weren’t prepared for the relationship to end.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:43

For everyone pointing out I sound self involved again I say HE has gone and the children went with him for a few days to our second home as we are lucky enough to have two. Nobody is homeless and nobody is neglecting our teens and I am here totally alone, do not want as yet to say even aloud that he has left let alone ring friends or family about it. I am home alone and working myself into a state thinking that the future we were building together is over. I am aware of where I went wrong i just want coping mechanisms.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 26/08/2023 15:44

YukoandHiro · 26/08/2023 14:59

It's not about being materialistic is it? If he really cared for you and was good DP you wouldn't give a crap about the card as a one off and it wouldn't have caused an argument. My guess is it's symptomatic of the lack of regard he has for you - which is why you constantly feel so insecure.
Better off out. Focus on yourself for a while and avoid dating until you're in a good place

Show quote history

You’ve taken that from the fact he bought her a card but was intending on getting a present? And you form an opinion on his whole personality from that? Words fail

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/08/2023 15:45

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:31

For the people saying I caused this I KNOW I did. I am not asking advice on what to do as the damage is done I am asking on tips to cope with the heartbreak of losing your other half. Hes my best friend. I don't want to lose him but I have and I know why I just need the tools to cope with this.

Onwards and upwards eh.
The 3 things I'd focus on would be:
Get sober and deal with the alcohol issue
Focus on the kids
Figure out money now you're single.

That's the building blocks to get started with.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:45

@BlueMoe I absolutely do not thnk he is not good enough, he is too good that is the problem. He is my everything. Him and the kids. and no alcohol is not an excuse I have said that. I have and am not excusing my dreadful actions.

OP posts:
Vitriolinsanity · 26/08/2023 15:46

Step 1, since you're asking. Who called the police? Whoever it was was clearly feeling under threat. Do not minimise this. You need to face that full on.

Step 2, knock off the self pity. You did this. Regardless of booze or not you need to reflect on the cause was, in your words, because you didn't get a suitable present.

Step 3, its actions and words now. Only you can fix this. Be a grown up. Do not be tempted to put the kids against him.

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 15:46

Your OP says 'after a series of arguments...my dp has left me' you then say the arguments were 'years ago'. Which is it?
Not sure what anybody here can do. Have you got access to money? If you're rich enough to have two houses can you get get some counselling or therapy.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:46

@alwaysmovingforwards thank you I appreciate that. We will have a chat with the kids in the next few weeks. The money situation is fine as we both are financially secure, own two homes worth similar amounts and have independant finances from each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:48

@Vitriolinsanity he called them, he was under no threat but I was drunk and caused a scene which I have admitted to time and again. I would never put the kids against him, I have sent them off with him today to spend quality time with him. Im not a monster I am a human who has made a mistake and paid the price and my heart hurts.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 26/08/2023 15:48

Police called to a drunk shouting mum isn’t a good thing for kids to witness. Stop drinking. It will only make you maudling and then angry again.
If your husband doesn’t want to come back I don’t think there’s much you can do. Think there must be more to this than one missed birthday present, maybe he’d just had enough.

Notlongnow01 · 26/08/2023 15:49

If your other arguments were about his exes, how far are you going back if you have teenage children together? Why are you ‘insecure’ about his exes?

pilates · 26/08/2023 15:50

I’m not sure what you are expecting on here. He may just need a break from you to enable things to calm down. And I would address the alcohol issue.

SunflowerTed · 26/08/2023 15:50

I just get the feeling that if this was a healthy relationship he would be able to forgive your behaviour. To walk out when you have kids makes me think there is a lot more going on here

PeopleAreWeird · 26/08/2023 15:51

@YukoandHiro

You say the OP has had a lucky escape because he didn't buy her a gift?
Your joking right?

HE sounds like his had a lucky escape from the verbal abuse

readbooksdrinktea · 26/08/2023 15:51

The fact that he left and the teens went with him should be a big enough wakeup call for you to stop drinking. Use the time alone to focus on that and then on the children whenever they come back.

They must have been frightened. Yelling to the point of police involvement is not a minor problem.

RadishAndTwiglet · 26/08/2023 15:52

They have been spoken to and apologised to and they are with their father today apparently having a great time. All kids talking to me, all hugged me and told me they loved me as I told them.

Trust me, regardless of whatever they might have told you this morning, no teenager who just witnessed their dad having to call the police on their screeching drunk of a mother is 'having a great time' the following day. The fact that you don't seem to have a real lack of awareness of this is a worry.

Has anyone called the police because of you before?

Whatonearth07957 · 26/08/2023 15:53

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Sounds like your DP was disengaging and that's why you felt insecure. The argument has allowed him to stalk off and blame you. I'm surprised shouting without any physical threat meant he called the police on you, especially as this was the first time in years. I would apologise once and then stop beating yourself up. Concentrating on kids and household and yourself sounds like a good plan. You're right a spa gift you specifically said the week before you'd not want was thoughtless. Stop the self flagellation, Reckon DP was looking for an out and grabbed it with both hands. Let him go and keep dignity.

Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 15:58

You've mentioned a couple of times about not wanting to tell friends and family that he has left you.

It doesn't appear that it's from the viewpoint of feeling ashamed at your drunken behaviour but more at being embarrassed that he has left you!

I get the feeling that appearances are all
Important to you and him not getting a birthday gift was may have meant you were annoyed at not being able to tell friends and family what he bought you.

Twatalert · 26/08/2023 15:58

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:04

The kids have been spoken to, hugged and apologised to. They are teenagers all of them and there was nothing to be afraid of only me shouting the odds. I know it is unforgivable but there was nothing physical at all and never would have been.

You are minimising what happened for them and you need to stop this. Emotional trauma can be a lot more difficult to overcome than physical trauma. And you said yourself that it happened over a few years, so they were younger when it happened before. You sound like you are in denial over the impact this can have on them. Considering that you have lost it a few times they are actually unlikely to be completely open with you about it. Besides, people who lose their shit are unlikely to be emotionally healthy the rest of the time. I believe this is a lot more complex than you want to admit to yourself.

What makes you think that the kids are fine when you are a completely broken woman? They are NOT fine. This is ridiculous and you need to wake up. This is their family. All they have known and their father has just left after Mum lost her shit. They are not fine.

Get them and yourself some support. Therapists are easily accessible who deal with major changes in life.