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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive argument

230 replies

witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:06

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

OP posts:
Lucyboat · 26/08/2023 10:14

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Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:24

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No

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 26/08/2023 10:24

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Oh FGS they’re a couple who row a few times a year. Calm down.

OP - agreed it’s unhealthy to pull the divorce card when this happens, all couples have disagreements but there should be an understanding that threats like this aren’t made. It sounds like he needs a bit more time to cool off this time, but I would suggest talking calmly about it all when he returns. I don’t think the fact it escalated a little further this time means it’s over.

it sounds like you’re resorting to threatening the worst in order to get a point across, so working on communication and exploring why you feel the need to do this will help.

yellowsmileyface · 26/08/2023 10:26

First of all, yes, enjoy your unexpected free day!

Secondly, it sounds like there's an issue with conflict resolution. What stands out to me is that you should probably be addressing the small things when they come up, rather than letting them build up. It sounds like the big arguments don't even get properly resolved. He storms off and you both act normal the next day. That's bound to leave some lingering resentment, making the next blow up more explosive.

Do you feel able to talk about things that are bothering you? Or do you often find yourself opting to keep the peace? Do you genuinely get along really well, or are you both just ignoring things that need to be addressed?

It's quite childish and manipulative behaviour for him to say it's over every time. Fine for him to sleep in the spare room because he needs some space after an argument, but the rest of it sounds like he's punishing you.

Of course arguments in a relationship are normal, but they need to be resolved. It's the lack of resolution that makes it toxic. Do you think that he would be open to working on conflict resolution?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:38

Rainydays777 · 26/08/2023 10:24

Oh FGS they’re a couple who row a few times a year. Calm down.

OP - agreed it’s unhealthy to pull the divorce card when this happens, all couples have disagreements but there should be an understanding that threats like this aren’t made. It sounds like he needs a bit more time to cool off this time, but I would suggest talking calmly about it all when he returns. I don’t think the fact it escalated a little further this time means it’s over.

it sounds like you’re resorting to threatening the worst in order to get a point across, so working on communication and exploring why you feel the need to do this will help.

Show quote history

We've spoken about not pulling the divorce card before & it’s been a while but then we haven’t had a stand up row like this so far this year.

we do need to communicate better but we’re both pretty rubbish at it tbh.

I feel a bit fed up of being made to feel insecure even if it’s just for a day or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:41

First of all, yes, enjoy your unexpected free day!

oh I intend to! I feel a bit bad about not seeing his mum but I’ve just managed to get a cancellation for a facial & then I’ll have a nice lunch.

later when he comes home I’ll try and talk to him. I do try to talk things through and resolve things but he just shuts it down and says ‘ok it’s sorted now so let’s not ruin another day’ and so I’ll just leave it!

OP posts:
Lucyboat · 26/08/2023 10:44

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beatrix1234 · 26/08/2023 10:45

@witnessprotection73 My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up.

I don’t think it’s that bad OP, if he makes your life better/happier overall and the price to pay is 2 or 3 rows a year (lasting one day) you’re OK. I believe you guys need to sit down once the storm is over, and in a calm manner talk about this issue and what is bothering you, no judgements just a frank discussion on how to handle these fights. These talks are difficult when both parties are upset and getting carried away in the heat of the moment, but you need to talk about them in peace times because it’s a big issue for you, don’t sweep it under the rug.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:47

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I assume in your relationship there is no conflict and everyone lives in a Mary Poppins style utopia??

I realise arguing like this is not great but arguing in most relationships is inevitable

OP posts:
Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 10:47

When you say you get on it appears that you or perhaps both of you let petty annoyances slide until there is a build up and one of you erupts and then the mud slinging starts and he threatens you with it's over as he wants you to be the one that makes all the effort in reconciling after the row.

That's not a healthy relationship.

Taxiii · 26/08/2023 10:47

You did the right thing. You told him last time.

Either he means it, or he's weaponising your marriage to hurt you. Both shit. Now he can shit (leave) or get off the pot and stop being a bellend with his empty threats.

DH tried it once & I did the same as you have - 'Yes, you're right. If you're so unhappy, it's best we split up' and he backed down, said he didn't want to split & it hasn't happened again.

We historically build to blow ups about every 18 months, but our communication has got better over the years & I try to talk about it when I feel the wind changing.

Having the hard conversations is key.

NewIdeasToday · 26/08/2023 10:49

You asked “Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?! “

And I really don’t think most relationships are like this.

Lucyboat · 26/08/2023 10:52

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Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:53

NewIdeasToday · 26/08/2023 10:49

You asked “Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?! “

And I really don’t think most relationships are like this.

Thanks and yes the at is what I’m looking to understand.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 26/08/2023 10:57

@witnessprotection73 later when he comes home I’ll try and talk to him. I do try to talk things through and resolve things but he just shuts it down and says ‘ok it’s sorted now so let’s not ruin another day’ and so I’ll just leave it!

This is concerning IMO, the fact he won’t discuss something that is bothering/important to you, it’s selfish and somewhat gaslighting. I wouldn’t be happy at all. He sounds like he avoids confrontation and difficult conversations, then it all “explodes” at some point, while you sound more into handling conflict better.

Doingmybest12 · 26/08/2023 11:01

I think what happens in between is as important as the rows. How is the peace being kept and by who? I don't think huge rows a few times a year is normal for everyone and I'm not sure if they are that huge you can just brush it under the carpet and move on.

beatrix1234 · 26/08/2023 11:02

Also: threatening your other half with divorce every time you have a fight is a form of abuse.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 11:06

Taxiii · 26/08/2023 10:47

You did the right thing. You told him last time.

Either he means it, or he's weaponising your marriage to hurt you. Both shit. Now he can shit (leave) or get off the pot and stop being a bellend with his empty threats.

DH tried it once & I did the same as you have - 'Yes, you're right. If you're so unhappy, it's best we split up' and he backed down, said he didn't want to split & it hasn't happened again.

We historically build to blow ups about every 18 months, but our communication has got better over the years & I try to talk about it when I feel the wind changing.

Having the hard conversations is key.

I’m so fed up of him doing this, it’s incredibly hurtful even if it’s just reactionary. I won’t put up with it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 11:16

Doingmybest12 · 26/08/2023 11:01

I think what happens in between is as important as the rows. How is the peace being kept and by who? I don't think huge rows a few times a year is normal for everyone and I'm not sure if they are that huge you can just brush it under the carpet and move on.

I wouldn’t describe it as peace being kept. We get on, we both make allowances as you do in relationships. We tend to settle minor disagreements when out for a walk. It’s honestly a good relationship except for these incidents and I just feel like every time it happens it’s a little irreparable crack. It’s a shame.

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StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/08/2023 11:17

You're asking if this is normal, so to give you my view on that; if a couple argue to the extent that one requests a divorce and the other agrees with that request, then the couple divorce.

Last night he requested a divorce, you agreed and now he's gone to stay with his mother.

The weird thing is that you expect him to come back later and chat this through with you, like you're still a married and not a separated couple.

You've both agreed you want to divorce and I'm genuinely struggling to understand how people do that and then think their marriage is salvageable?

You've both said you want out, so start googling solicitors; your marriage is over.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 11:18

beatrix1234 · 26/08/2023 10:57

@witnessprotection73 later when he comes home I’ll try and talk to him. I do try to talk things through and resolve things but he just shuts it down and says ‘ok it’s sorted now so let’s not ruin another day’ and so I’ll just leave it!

This is concerning IMO, the fact he won’t discuss something that is bothering/important to you, it’s selfish and somewhat gaslighting. I wouldn’t be happy at all. He sounds like he avoids confrontation and difficult conversations, then it all “explodes” at some point, while you sound more into handling conflict better.

I wouldn’t say I am better, I try but I too avoid conflict and just brush things under the carpet for a quiet life.

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SweetAndSourChick3n · 26/08/2023 11:21

In my experience this is not normal. Threatening divorce if he doesn't mean it is emotionally manipulative and if he does mean it then your relationship clearly has huge issues. Either way it's not a healthy relationship or a healthy way to approach conflict within a marriage.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 11:22

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/08/2023 11:17

You're asking if this is normal, so to give you my view on that; if a couple argue to the extent that one requests a divorce and the other agrees with that request, then the couple divorce.

Last night he requested a divorce, you agreed and now he's gone to stay with his mother.

The weird thing is that you expect him to come back later and chat this through with you, like you're still a married and not a separated couple.

You've both agreed you want to divorce and I'm genuinely struggling to understand how people do that and then think their marriage is salvageable?

You've both said you want out, so start googling solicitors; your marriage is over.

Just to be clear- he’s gone to his mums for the day, pre arranged. He’s not staying with his mum. We were both meant to go.

I don’t want a divorce I just want him to stop throwing that at me when we fight, and so last night instead of just saying nothing I said I agree but I don’t think I’ll start Googling lawyers just yet…

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BounceyB · 26/08/2023 11:23

It's normal to row but for him to remove his wedding ring and say it's over suggests the arguments have more significance for him than for you. Are you sure there's not a bigger issue brewing?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 11:24

BounceyB · 26/08/2023 11:23

It's normal to row but for him to remove his wedding ring and say it's over suggests the arguments have more significance for him than for you. Are you sure there's not a bigger issue brewing?

No I don’t think so but I could be wrong.

OP posts: