Massive argument

[witnessprotection73]

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

Oh just noticed this. Nothing to do with me. She was challenging this being linked to a previous post I made and basically saying he must be ing seeing some else. She seemed to be enjoying herself but tbh I wasn’t upset by her comments. I’m well aware that things are bad, worst than I thought and so there is no point in sugar coating it.

Can you leave a key in the door or use a bolt or chain so he has to knock rather than just let himself in? Might make you feel slightly less on edge.

Will you be able to talk about the situation with the family you are seeing today? I'm just hoping this won't be an awkward situation for you.

He just messaged, he brought a charger. He said he’s coming back on Wednesday as he needs more time to ‘reflect’. I feel like saying either come home today or don’t bother. This is BS.

It does sound a bit strange. Do you think he may have caused the row on purpose to give him the excuse to stay away a few days?

Tell him Wednesday doesn't work for you. It'll have to be x day... he doesn't get to call all the shots.
Fuck him thinking he can waltz in whenever he wants.

Do you want to be with him any more?

That’s really shitty of him. He may need time and that’s fine, but just putting you in the “waiting” position feels manipulative. You’re BOTH on the marriage and you BOTH have things to think through. The least he could do is come back and discuss.

How are you really feeling right now? What do YOU want?

@witnessprotection73 rather than sitting around waiting on him, why don’t you take this time out to reflect on what YOU want. Obviously we only have snippets of your relationship but it sounds like you have been tolerating some poor behaviour on his part. So it’s ironic it’s him who is the one who has left you for time to “reflect”. I know you are adamant there’s no one else and hopefully there’s not but I really wouldn’t rule that out 100%. At this stage now, with him actually leaving for a few days, anything is possible.

No, to be honest we were both at fault, there was the initial stupid row and then I went to bed and got up again laid into him for staying up drinking when we had an early start the next day.

The thing is the mate he staying in will be in his head saying ‘ you need to own this, don’t let her dictate what you do’ We’ve never really clicked and so he won’t be encouraging him to come back and sort things out.

Yes I want to be with him but I want to go for counselling and make the relationship stronger and more open to sensible communication.

And no I’m not going to get into game play, I can’t be arsed.

Yes I’m also reflecting but I’m struggling to think straight to be honest. When I think about separating I feel sick so I’m trying to block it out.

Oh bless you. I know very well how it feels when someone keeps doing this every time there's any conflict.

I don't think he wants to break up. I think he just doesn't want to do any work when it comes to making up with you.

From my experience, when you call their bluff, it usually takes a little while for them to come around. I think part of why they do this is to pass responsibility onto you to resolve the argument. They like having you soothe them and they especially like having you drop all your concerns because the stakes are now so high. I think it's also part temper tantrum too, so without you to calm their anger by giving them what they want, they can't regulate their emotions.

I would strongly recommend using this tactic, however. Threatening to end the relationship is emotional manipulation, whether it's intentional or not. Every time you go out of your way to resolve things, they learn that this is the perfect way to get their needs met. You have to take the power away from statements about divorce. I saw someone criticising you over this, but you can't keep on begging to stay together and keep your dignity and your sense of safety and consistency in the relationship. You need to look after your sanity, firstly.

Look after yourself. Try and stay busy and focused on yourself as much as you can 🌺

I WANT this not be happening 😂😭. I’m actually in shock.

it is shitty isn’t it but then again he does have the right to need to time to think if he’s really this unhappy. However, I feel if he really wanted to work on things he would come home and we would talk and slowly rebuild. He may well do that on Wednesday but I’m not sure why he needs an extra 2 days. It’s actually an easy decision- I am unhappy but fundamentally want to work this out or I’m unhappy and want to move on…

I’m tempted to say you’ve had some space and now if you want this relationship I’d like you to come home today or please don’t bother but I think that will probably backfire on me.

you’re in a power struggle, and if he doesn’t commit to never doing this again, it may as well be over. He wants to be able to threaten you in order to bring you back in line.

if I were you I would have an ultimatum - counseling or no getting back together.

maybe counseling just on your own, for yourself, will help you heal past this series of abandonments to see the damage he’s doing every time he does this, and to learn THAT is where the sick feeling is coming from. He wants you dependent on him.

you called his bluff- you showed some backbone and that cannot be tolerated in his power play.

truth be told, he absolutely deserves to have this be completely over - and I myself would be completely done with a man like this - but I do understand that when you’re in it, it’s hard to see what this is doing to you. :( it makes you cling harder, and that’s what he wants.

to hell with him.

@witnessprotection73 It’s really awful what he’s doing to you. You obviously love him but he’s not acting like he loves you. You don’t threaten divorce after an argument, take off your ring, then go stay with a mate for days leaving the one you supposedly love sat waiting in emotional turmoil. You are feeling sick about the thought of splitting up but remember this man easily up’d and left and is now away from the home til wed. He had no problems doing that whilst you are left feeling hurt and upset. It’s now you who is the one wanting to cling on, even though it’s him who has behaved badly here. I worry for you that if he comes back, you will be even more controlled than before because you won’t want to go through this again.

I would be saying to him that you aren’t prepared to be sat round waiting, he needs to come home and talk things through. He’s had a bit of time out now so to stay out til wed is just taking the piss. I wouldn’t even be trying to move forward though unless he is committed to never behaving this way again, you need to feel secure enough in your relationship that you can have arguments without worrying he will throw the divorce card at you or leave for days on end.

Really sorry to be reading your updates and things seem to have spiralled so much. I would give him space as you say his friend will be wanting him to be throwing his bullocks around and be "the man". Hopefully when he comes home the bravado would of disappeared and you can resolve this. ❤️

Im so sorry you are going through this! Its a kind of brinksmanship really where each one of you edged a little closer to the brink almost without noticing.

If I were you I would try to find a couples therapist and arrange a first meeting. Then I would call dh and tell him that you want him back but that you want him to agree to start couples therapy.

that might be too heavy a lift for both of you. You could also just watch some youtubes or read some ooms. I think you might like the work of John Gottman and also brene brown.

I have given couples therapy (just twice) and he strikes me as a person with what we call really “primitive “ defenses snd strategies. When he feels ashamed and his masculine ego is injured he “punishes” you by threatening to leave. In reality, like a toddler, he needs mummy to forgive and forget that he slammed the door and said he hated you. You flipped the script and called his bluff and now he can’t figure out how to sidle back home since you seem not to be letting him pretend nothing happened.

This is like some weird power game designed to bat you down. I agree with @pikkumyy77 - he’s so poor at conflict resolution that he’s doubling down. He’s not had you react like this before so doesn’t know what to do.

But it’s unkind and childish. As much as you’re concerned what you do next could backfire on you, equally what he’s doing could backfire on him. But he’s cracking on and doing what he thinks will get you back in line. And that is not nice.

Beautiful South, I need a little time...

I do agree that he's fucked himself & now he doesn't know what to do.

So round his mates for an empowering pep talk & beers & gaming for a few days like a lads holiday until you break.

I completely get how sick & exhausted OP must be by these games. I'd be fucking livid by now & making some demands of my own, mainly - home, tonight or pick up your bin bags from the lawn in the morning.

Love that song! I thought of that earlier today too x

I love that song too. I went to see them when they first started out & the tickets were £4 before they were famous!

We met for a drink and talked more. Honestly I’m turning the other way now as although it was constructive he had nothing good to say at all. He said he’s been unhappy for a while, this is despite recently telling me he’s the happiest he’s been in ages and he just said I was naggy & said I act like a 60s housewife! ( this is because I like a clean house)… Forgetting that I have a career, I’m financially successful, I’m studying nutrition & have lots of other dimensions to me beyond cleaning the house 😡.

My current state of mind is tell him to fuk the fuk off if I’m so awful to be with!

Me too! One of the first bands I’ve saw live as an adult!