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Original poster

Massive argument

230 replies

witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:06

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

OP posts:
Ihatepickingausername3 · 30/08/2023 23:25

How did the walk go?

RandomForest · 31/08/2023 03:54

He's an emotional idiot, or he's an extremely cruel man.

He will end up with the marriage he deserves, basically he's blown it, you no longer trust him and feel safe anymore, you can't possibly.

Oh dear, not only has he shown that he can just abandon you at a whim, he's also shown to others, his mother and his friend that he cares so little for you he can't be arsed to fight for you or do any of the running or meeting mid way, he's humilliated you and that I couldn't forgive.

What should you do ?

Personally I think he needs to be shown the door, this man is incapable of making you happy, an immature selfish shit who can't be trusted.

I think we can safely assume he's been like this before in previous relationships, they never change men like this.

pikkumyy77 · 31/08/2023 11:48

They never learn that if they can walk away from you—you can walk away from them. I always say there are no parallel lines in a marriage, you are either moving towards each other or away.

Im so sorry this happened to you but I hope its so comfort that when you make your decision you will be a different person than you were when he walked out. Stronger, more free.

FOJN · 31/08/2023 12:32

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 30/08/2023 13:19

This is what happened for me. One of the last times this happened to me, we were driving to another city for a special night out I'd booked and paid for. On the way, we ended up falling out over something minor so he turned the car around and told me the relationship was over (again!!), called me nasty names, and then he left me in his place in the middle of nowhere without my car for hours and hours.

That time I spent stewing and waiting for him killed the relationship stone dead. Self preservation kicked in and I knew I couldn't live like this.

The next time he pulled that card, I calmly agreed that the relationship was over.

It took a few weeks, but he started begging me to come back. He still sends gifts and messages to me now trying to get me back!

I called his bluff and no mistake! It feels amazing. That horrible feeling of wondering where is he/when he'll call/why he's not answering/when is he going to do this again is gone. I know he regrets spoiling the relationship but it was his own doing. I'm not a toy to be picked up and played with when I'm in favour.

Show quote history

The next time he pulled that card, I calmly agreed that the relationship was over.

This happened to me too. My ex husband would manufacture arguments, give me the silent treatment for weeks at a time and then play the divorce card. After repairing the damage from a 5 week silent treatment, which I spent wondering what I had done wrong, I resolved that the next time he did it I would agree the marriage was over. It was such a pattern that I knew there would be a next time.That's exactly what I did and I went to a divorce Solicitor the next day. He was furious that I gave him what he said he wanted.

I'm so relieved I do not live like that anymore.

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 31/08/2023 14:10

FOJN · 31/08/2023 12:32

The next time he pulled that card, I calmly agreed that the relationship was over.

This happened to me too. My ex husband would manufacture arguments, give me the silent treatment for weeks at a time and then play the divorce card. After repairing the damage from a 5 week silent treatment, which I spent wondering what I had done wrong, I resolved that the next time he did it I would agree the marriage was over. It was such a pattern that I knew there would be a next time.That's exactly what I did and I went to a divorce Solicitor the next day. He was furious that I gave him what he said he wanted.

I'm so relieved I do not live like that anymore.

Edited
Show quote history

Well done you!

He gave you the silent treatment for five weeks?? Oh my god that must have been genuine torture to go through.

Mine was also furious at getting his own way! I know it's 'I hate you don't leave me' behaviour but I wouldn't accept that from a seven year old let alone a middle aged man.

The handy thing was that he packed himself up all neatly during his tantrum so I could just lock the door behind him. Perfect!

RandomForest · 31/08/2023 14:30

*So to update, yes he is back, came back this morning but I am not wfh
today so it was hello/goodbye. We plan a walk later to talk more &
first counselling session next week. I feel numb & I’m not excited
for him to be back or even happy.- I feel nothing. I felt awkward this
morning when he came in and I was in my underwear. *

I don't want to pour water on your reunion but why did he pick a day to return when he probably knew you would not be at home.

I would be careful that he's not extracting any financial documents that would be beneficial to him.

**

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 31/08/2023 15:15

I don't want to pour water on your reunion but why did he pick a day to return when he probably knew you would not be at home.

Reunion makes it sound romantic! Anyway he didn’t pick a day I wouldn’t be there. He wasn’t working from home either.

I would be careful that he's not extracting any financial documents that would be beneficial to him.

Im not clear on why he does this but I don’t think he’s that devious and anyway I sorted all our shared finances so I’m not sure what he could do. I mean if he really had this intent he could’ve just changed the locks!

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 31/08/2023 18:06

Hope you're doing ok, did you manage to have a good talk yesterday after work?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 31/08/2023 18:18

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 31/08/2023 18:06

Hope you're doing ok, did you manage to have a good talk yesterday after work?

We did actually. I told him exactly how I felt about him leaving and that he’s broken my trust. I also said at my age I don’t want to spend my remaining years with someone who I can’t be happy with and that if we can’t sort things out our marriage is over. But he also said a few things to me about how I am and I feel we both need to make some changes. I genuinely think him more than me 😂… but it’s not all one sided.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 31/08/2023 18:42

Its nice that you are so openminded OP but how has he taken accountability for abandoning you mid discussion and basically unilaterally ending the marriage forcing you to beg him to come home

I mean : of course none of us is perfect and all of us annoy our spouses some of the time but its like farting or belching—if we are committed to the other person we don’t take our ring off snd run out the door because we suddenly find out our partner has a digestive tract. We know that going in to the relationship.

If its more serious than that it still deserves a sit down discussion. Why was that not his first choice?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 31/08/2023 19:22

Yes I completely agree and this will be discussed once we start therapy. He has said he genuinely felt when he left that it was over but this doesn’t explain staying away for 4 nights.

I feel as if we try and unpick it with out side help it won’t solve the issue (assuming it can solved).

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 31/08/2023 19:29

At least you are talking to each other in an open and honest way. Great start. Are you feeling better about him/the situation?

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 31/08/2023 20:37

Just don't let him convince you that you need to be perfect in order to not be treated like this.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 31/08/2023 21:15

bookworm44 · 31/08/2023 19:29

At least you are talking to each other in an open and honest way. Great start. Are you feeling better about him/the situation?

I feel largely the same. But I’m glad we’re going for counselling. Thanks for checking in.

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 31/08/2023 21:18

witnessprotection73 · 31/08/2023 21:15

I feel largely the same. But I’m glad we’re going for counselling. Thanks for checking in.

Show quote history

I feel for you 🤷‍♀️ i really hope the support on here is helping x

MadeForThis · 31/08/2023 21:45

It sounds like your eyes have been opened a bit. Do you thing he was playing games?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 01/09/2023 09:30

Yes it’s helping loads. It’s helping to think about me and my needs as well as my relationship. Have a lovely weekend all x

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 01/09/2023 09:38

No I don’t think he was playing games. I think he was angry and hurt and so needed to get away. But I will not accept that he needed to stay away even for one night- you cant have a successful relationship like that.

I we both have opposite attachment styles, mine is obviously anxious, his is anxious avoidant. So I cling on, he runs. Now he’s sorry and he’s doing that thing where he does loads of little jobs around the house that have been outstanding for ages. I mean this is great but it would be nice if we didn’t need to break up for that to happen!

OP posts:
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:09

Does he have kids OP? Because if so - I wonder what a twat man like this is like as a father

Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:09

. I think he was angry and hurt and so needed to get away.

I think you need to remove your rose tinted specs

pikkumyy77 · 01/09/2023 12:56

Is it really “clinging on” to expect your DH to keep his wedding ring on? Is it merely “anxious/avoidant” to abandon your wife and only return days later? I am all for understanding attachment styles but you both have a kind of responsibility to make it work in the relationship. If he can’t offer you enough security he’s a bad fit for you. And if he can’t get his anxious/avoidant needs met he should find someone he can avoid without hurting. Like someone who works away half the week. Or a polyamorous relationship where he isnt primary.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 01/09/2023 14:25

No he doesn’t have kids. I have adult children.

OP posts:
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 15:41

I suspect that this behaviour has been a pattern of relationships for him. Divorced?

Do you have friends you could off load to?

Layinwait · 01/09/2023 15:42

Do your kids live at home? I imagine they’d be quite furious and disturbed to see this man treating their mother like this

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 01/09/2023 17:08

I don’t actually want to talk to friends just yet. I would prefer to keep this private. I’ve seen so many relationships suffer from problems and then from the opinions of family and friends. Coming here is a big help though x

OP posts:
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