Massive argument

[witnessprotection73]

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

I really feel for you as he has done a right number on you here. There’s either something else going on alongside his usual manipulative behaviour (his heads been turned) or this is double whammy with the coercive control. Either way, his actions have left you hurt, confused, and no doubt questioning yourself. I can imagine if he does come back to you, then you won’t dare stand up to him again because you won’t want to go through all this again. Other posters have mentioned you started a previous thread about a lack of sex recently so I really wouldn’t write off the possibility there’s someone else.

So sorry to read that OP.
If he's genuinely felt this strongly for a while it was very cruel not to talk to you about it before such an escalation over something trivial.

It's not as if he hasn't had chance to tell you he really was feeling that way on his previous threats. No wonder it feels like a huge shock.

Take care of yourself. And my advice would be (if it happens) not to let him simply walk back in, declaring he doesn't want to argue anymore without agreeing to counselling.

You have done nothing wrong OP. He is beside himself because he has lost control of you. He could always put you back in your box with the threat of divorce, now you have called his bluff. He has left because he wants you begging and crying and back under his control. Stand your ground, find your anger - you deserve to be treated well and as an equal.

Agree.

Painful as it is.

Do not contact him.

Do not respond to contact.

Give him space.

Start organising yourself as if this is permanent.

It is painful but this is a toxic dynamic.

I don’t know if this is your story but there is no affair. I don’t feel obliged to explain why I know This but I do. There is clearly a problem, bigger than I thought but it’s not that.

Why do people assume that a couple having an argument some how can't manage to do it without their kids involved!

OP me and my DH get on really well but every now and then we do have a doozy of an argument and yes he always kept pulling the "that's it I'm divorcing you " card until I said ok then let's do it , I kept it up for a week got solicitors names and everything and he really thought i was going through with it , and it scared the shit out of him . He doesn't do it anymore . We've been together a long time and sometimes take eachother for granted our argument gives us a big kick up the ass as a reminder that we can't live without each other.

Yes I am aware of what I said and this is how I was thinking at the time but subsequently it was neither

I honestly don't know where posters get off trying to convince the op of things that she has a far greater understanding of because it's her actual life. How embarrassing that some people have trawled through her old posts just to try and trip her up. Bizarre.

Really sorry to read this OP but remember this isn't all you and you shouldn't feel guilty for challenging him on the constant divorce card during an argument. It blowing up over such a ridiculous thing maybe space is what is needed. I hope all works out in the end.

@Lucyboat what does that acronym mean?

I'm sorry OP, that must hurt.

He's engineered it so that it's your fault whatever happens. You didn't fight hard enough, you weren't sorry enough.

He's not setting it up as 'how do we fix this?', but as 'see what you've done!'.

I am so sorry to hear this. I thought he'd come home and all would be well. Your head must be all over the place. Ignore the posters who think they know everything and are telling you what to do. You came on here for support. Do you know where he's gone?

Yes he staying with a mate. I just don’t think it’s healthy to need to leave your home because you need space. I thought our relationship was stronger than that tbh.

he said he’s sorry he pulled the divorce card & said it in anger which he knows is unacceptable. He put his weeding ring back on but has still gone & isn’t sure when or if he might return.

That's really good he said sorry for doing that. Maybe things will be better from now on if he does make an effort to make amends.

Thanks. He can’t do that while he’s not living here though.

Did he say how long he needed OP?

we agreed to talk tomorrow.

Sounds like he's trying to put you back on your box after you called his bluff. That didn't work so he's decided to leave for a few days 'to get some space'.

I call bullshit on the space and think he's just trying to scare you into behaving again. You say you only have a big row once or twice a year, are these the times you push back on him, so you not row because you always agree with him?

Morning OP, you doing ok? Let us know how the talk goes today. Get it clear in your head what you want out of the conversation and don't let him just dictate how he wants things to be. Don't forget you have done nothing wrong.

Thanks for checking in. I’m a mix of anger and hurt today. I’m just going to get on with my day though, I have a family gathering later.

To make matters worst he doesn’t have a phone charger and so his Phn is currently dead and so have no idea when he plans to show up which is just shit and unacceptable really.

I’m starting to consider if this is actually worth the fight.

Can you give yourself more time to think?
Have things run to your timescale - not his.
He doesn't get to dictate when he shows up to discuss the situation.
If he does show up today to talk, maybe listen to what he has to say, and then say you want more time and space to consider things.
There is more going on here than meets the eye.

You were posting about him in April and the lack of sex, so something wasn't quite right back then. So the whole argument and storming off to his mum's wasn't quite as out of the blue as it initially appeared from your posts.