Massive argument

[witnessprotection73]

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

I have no idea but considering he’s not been in touch at all today I’m going to guess he’ll be the same.. It’s also possible he could stay out but this would be very unlikely.

I plan to just spend my evening watching a film, nice dinner and early night. If he wants to talk I’m all eats but I won’t be initiating.

*ears..

I can't say i blame you. My husband has behaved in the same manner over the years and i would hate to be sitting there not knowing when or what to expect.

even if you do that, the atmosphere will be thick with tension and you are unlikely to be able to really kick back and enjoy your dinner and film with him floating around pissed off

Well yes but I don’t have much option unless I want to go out, which I don’t. No sign of him yet anyway so who knows, maybe he’s stayed.

And I made a pie which is currently in the oven but the pastry looks a bit weird so that fuc*ing annoying!

you’re right- I’m not ending my marriage over an argument.

But you called his bluff when he said the marriage is over... giving him the msg that you also say the marriage is over? But you don't actually want to end it.

What a shambles honestly. You both need to say what you mean and not exaggerate.

I appreciate he has form for this behaviour (which is really unacceptable) but you are stooping to his level as it were.

Marriage does not have to be this difficult.

You’re right I did stoop to his level and i won’t be trying to make it right unless he apologies and we talk, but that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere yet. Of it doesn’t need to be this hard- it’s ridiculous and actually I do deserve better.

You do indeed deserve better - I think we're all trying to tell you that on this thread!

Just a few months away from this man and your head will clear, you'll probably even look younger and have more vitality. You could find someone else and it'd be like night and day.

We've all seen it countless times among friends when they finally leave an abusive man.

OP, the reality is that it’s not normal to not argue in a marriage. A good marriage is all about compromises, and some of that is going to mean conflict. That doesn’t mean that arguing regularly is normal either, but generally if a couple have a good marriage then it’s likely that the arguments they have will be more heated because they A, rarely argue, and B, aren’t used to conflict between them which can leave feelings running high.

My parents growing up rarely argued, in fact I can remember the times that they did, that’s how rarely it happened. But when they did argue they had a massive row, and then it would blow over. They’ve been married now for 53 years and I can honestly say that they have a loving marriage.

The issue here is your DH taking off his wedding ring and telling you it’s over. You need to get to the bottom of why he does that, because that is just petty and is IMO just designed to finish the row rather than to actually deal with it and make up afterwards.

Your dh needs to realise that making threats like that could lead to you actually calling his bluff which you did last night. In fact that may be why he’s been quiet today, because he knows that he’s pushed it to far. I would be having a talk with him and making it clear that telling you it’s over is only ok if it is. So if he does it again you will be seeing a solicitor. It’s not ok to pull that one and expect everything to just be ok in the morning. I think we’ve all said things we regret in the heat of an argument, but there are things which it’s not ok to say and to hope they can be brushed under the carpet, ending the relationship every time you argue is one of them.

Christ some of these comments are insane. People will say LTB over anything. Yes it all sounds quite juvenile but if you're only having a couple of big rows per year I think you're doing pretty well to be honest.

I wonder if he grew up not witnessing his parents arguing so when it happens between you he thinks that's it, marriage over.

No. His dad passed away when he was very young.

Everyone’s “normal” is different isn’t it, so it’s hard to say if you two are toxic or not. This doesn’t sound that bad to me. And if youve only told him once before (is that right?) that you want him to stop pulling the divorce card, and it’s something he’s been doing for a long time, then I think I’d expect it to take a few goes for him to get out of the habit of.

OP, what is the other thread PP is referring to?

I posted in April because I was concerned that we weren’t having as much sex but tbh that’s not really been an issue lately.

However, he’s not actually come home so I guess this isn’t going to blow over so maybe it was a thing.

Sounds like he's going to "punish you" with the silent treatment for a few days then come back after the bank holiday like nothing happened.I bet you 3 marbles.

@witnessprotection73 yep, he’s punishing you because you didn’t do your usual grovelling. This is now your punishment so that next time he throws a strop you think twice about “agreeing” to split up. He’s literally trying to train you to “behave”. I know you said you don’t want to leave him and that’s obviously your choice. But this is very toxic behaviour from him.

I agree.

OP, it really does sound toxic.

He sounds deeply immature and lazy with it as he doesn't share the load.

I would take his not returning home seriously.

Yours is neither a good nor healthy marriage.

You deserve better.

So he was trying to distract you with classic cars and you didn't fall for it. How dare you expect him to clean up after himself!

So he's now sulking and punishing you by not coming home because you called his bluff. Seems it's ok for him to threaten divorce, but it's not ok for you to agree with him. Are you suppose to beg and plead him not to leave you?

I hate, hate, hate people who make threats during an argument, when they have no intention of following through, it's nasty and designed to hurt. Fair enough, we all get angry and cross, but there's no need to threaten divorce every time. It shows a real lack of emotional intelligence a huge amount of twatish behaviour. Does he threaten to leave his job when he disagrees with his boss? No of course he doesn't, because he knows it's unacceptable, so why do it at home