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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive argument

230 replies

witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:06

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 27/08/2023 09:13

How are you feeling this morning? Did he come home?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 10:20

bookworm44 · 27/08/2023 09:13

How are you feeling this morning? Did he come home?

Thanks for asking. He has not come home yet but has been in touch & said he will be home later this morning.

I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

OP posts:
Ivyusername · 27/08/2023 10:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mummy08m · 27/08/2023 10:30

witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 10:20

Thanks for asking. He has not come home yet but has been in touch & said he will be home later this morning.

I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

Show quote history

What else did he say, was he contrite I hope? Reconciliatory?

Ihatepickingausername3 · 27/08/2023 10:39

Hope you get some clarity soon OP

neverexpectedthis · 27/08/2023 10:44

I think the handful of big bust-ups sounds like a fairly normal relationship but I agree with PPs that pulling the divorce card is immature and silly.

There are some things you should never say unless you actually mean them but if you keep on saying them, you breed insecurity into the relationship. Maybe it's time for another talk about boundaries - E.g you do not want to hear him say this again (unless he means it!) because it's not fair and it makes you feel pretty crap.

jazzyfips · 27/08/2023 10:51

Nope, never any arguments that last more than a few mins. We resolve them quickly.

DemelzaandRoss · 27/08/2023 11:08

It’s ultimatum time. If you accept this behaviour he knows he can continue to control you.
He will only get worse if you show him you will not tolerate threatening to leave each time you have a disagreement.
Try hard not to give in to him. Good Luck.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 27/08/2023 11:23

I think this sounds awful and unhealthy, I'm really surprised some people on this thread think its not too bad! I've been with my husband for over thirty years and he has never said anything like this to me, not even once, and I would be so hurt and upset if he did! I see you don't have kids, if I were you I would really be considering my options. You deserve better.

Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 11:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

beatrix1234 · 27/08/2023 11:32

@witnessprotection73 I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

His divorce threats, post dissapearing act and silent treatment is doing its job nicely 👍

Alargeoneplease89 · 27/08/2023 11:44

I would be pissed he didn't come home over a stupid argument, maybe he's trying to get you to feel what it's like if you did divorce- even though he's allowed to make that empty threat.

I dont envy the talk you two need to have because its either going to kick off again or clear the air.

Seems like a waste of a bank holiday weekend 😂

Shapemyeyebrows · 27/08/2023 11:51

beatrix1234 · 27/08/2023 11:32

@witnessprotection73 I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

His divorce threats, post dissapearing act and silent treatment is doing its job nicely 👍

This. It’s had the exact result that was intended.

sodthesodoff · 27/08/2023 11:51

Honestly my first thought was he's a controlling arse. You only have a few bust ups a year. Is that not when you're not doing as you're told?

It's very manipulative to suggest divorce and remove your wedding ring. It's a threat. To pull you back into line

This time you didn't snap back into line so he's upped the ante. And made you feel like shit waiting. He's in total control

But no to your original question. It's not normal and I would not tolerate this.

Maddy70 · 27/08/2023 11:53

I w0uld say that's pretty normal. My husband and I have been married for decades. Every now again we have a stupid row. That's normal surely in any relationship

BashCandicoot · 27/08/2023 12:02

He sounds very tiresome.

Trouble with calling his bluff is he will feel forced to up the ante. Twat.

Ladybug14 · 27/08/2023 12:06

witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 10:20

Thanks for asking. He has not come home yet but has been in touch & said he will be home later this morning.

I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

Show quote history

Exactly as he wants you to feel

His threats of divorce, removing his ring etc are to control you. To stop the argument. To punish you.

You've gone further this time and agreed to divorce so the punishment and control are ramped up , increased. Put more pressure on you to be the way he wants

I couldn't be doing with a coercive controlling man in my life

Maybe you're so used to it, you just put up with it?

Taxiii · 27/08/2023 12:12

I disagree with the previous poster that you 'stooped to his level' actually.

OP has already asked him to stop using their marriage as a way to hurt her & stop arguments. He continues to do it.

So if this man really wants to go - it's best for all he leaves & OP lets him do so.

Spoiler: he doesn't want a divorce, he's being an emotionally incontinent child and OP telling him he's free to go, actually has the chance to make him recognise the stakes of the game his actually playing here, and grow the fuck up.
OR he was being genuine and he leaves and the painful keeping OP on eggshells is over.

I would predict Daily Mail sad face about "how you agreed to a divorce when you knew he was only saying it in the heat of the moment" or similar OP.

I hope you're okay x

beatrix1234 · 27/08/2023 12:55

I believe the key here is who owns the home/lease, if OP then I would pack his stuff in suitcases, put it on the door with the following note: " You told me you wanted a divorce so I packed your stuff and your ring. Wish you well". I'm sure his mother is going to be delighted to have her son show up with all his suitcases. If OP is not on the lease or doesn't own the home she has zero power of negotiation as the ball is on his court.

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 12:58

beatrix1234 · 27/08/2023 11:32

@witnessprotection73 I'm tired, confused, angry & hurt.

His divorce threats, post dissapearing act and silent treatment is doing its job nicely 👍

Isn't it just.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 13:52

We both own the house but no I won’t be doing that. Ironically I don’t need to- He came back, we had a really good talk & now he’s packed some things and he’s gone again saying he needs space to think, but we will keep talking. I don’t know when he will be back & tbh it’s feels like he might have just left me for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 13:53

Thanks for all the advice. I’m done with this post now as there is nothing more to say.

OP posts:
DemelzaandRoss · 27/08/2023 13:58

There could be something else going on or now you’ve called his bluff he’s trying to punish you more, hoping you will beg him to return.
Maybe carry on as normal & see what comes out of the woodwork in the coming weeks.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 14:00

Tbh eta isn’t no one else involved. Difficult to carry in as normal when you feel your heart has been ripped out but I have such an important work project it will hopefully be a big distraction. I feel very confused by all of this to be honest.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 27/08/2023 14:18

witnessprotection73 · 27/08/2023 13:52

We both own the house but no I won’t be doing that. Ironically I don’t need to- He came back, we had a really good talk & now he’s packed some things and he’s gone again saying he needs space to think, but we will keep talking. I don’t know when he will be back & tbh it’s feels like he might have just left me for good.

I had an ex who used to threaten with breaking up all the time, this had me on a permanent emotional rollercoaster (he was a manipulative and controlling narcissist). When that threat stopped working because he saw me withdrawing from the relationship more and more he decided to "up his game" by letting me know he wanted a "temporary break up to think". I told him I don't do temporary break ups I only do "break ups", full stop. We ended it there. I did this not as a power trip, I did it because I was 100% sure the relationship didn't work for me.

My point is that he may be using the temporary break up as "punishment", a way of letting you know that if things don't go the way he wants and you continue expressing your needs he's "out". I would cut contact with him for a few weeks, let him get a taste of "single life", that "we will keep contact" is his way of throwing you crumbs and having you waiting for him anxiously to whatever he decides.

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