Massive argument

[witnessprotection73]

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

But if you are hinting at a 3rd party then absolutely not.

Well, mine is. Although I think it is one big blow up every year or so.

When we are not having one of them, I think we get on rather better than I observe many other people ( at least by their public behaviour). It’s just letting off steam.

And we ‘ve been together for 42 years, and I expect to be together , happily, until one of us dies. Don’t be so prescriptive and judgemental, please.

Incredibly manipulative behaviour by him.
Im curious about what gets brushed under the carpet for easy life?

Sounds like you usually make the peace after he pulls the divorce card and this time you haven’t so it is dragging on. Good for you, let him stew and hopefully he won’t try it next time.

Then it sounds like both of you are guilty of trying to avoid conflict all along and keep sweeping those issues under till the rug can’t take it anymore at which point you guys “explode”. On top of that he’s unable to have hard conversations so he’s worse than you.

if this is the price so have to pay (2 or 3 rows a year) in exchange of sweeping issues under the rug “to avoid conflict “ so let be it if the ready of the time is good.

Keep in mind that conflict cannot be avoided, if you don’t deal with it properly it will bite you in the a-s sooner or later, the more you avoid it and sweep it under the rug the bigger the explosion will be.

Having arguments is normal.

What is definitely not normal is saying that the marriage is over and taking off your wedding ring. That's bonkers and yes, abusive.

Even using words like "always" and "never" in an argument chips away at trust. I remember they taught us this in teacher training (but it's applicable in a marriage too).

Eg, I'm pretty lazy at housework, I'll admit. Dh does most of it.

Dh asked me the other day if I could do the washing up and bins because he was getting busy this week. He didn't say "I always do it" or "you never do it" or "you never pull your weight". But I got the hint for sure and did a blitz and I'll try to step up a bit.

Basically, it's really harmful in a relationship to exaggerate/generalise when you're criticising your dp.

Your dh is doing that. Instead of saying "I'm upset with you right now because of xyz", he basically says "I'm permanently upset with you so I don't want to be married to you any more" when clearly, that isn't true otherwise why's he said it so many times but not pissed off yet.

Same in my relationship. Its mumsnet. What do you expect..

Threatening with divorce, pulling his wedding band off and running to his mum? What age is your husband? 15?

Emotional toddler.

Thanks. It’s not the blow ups I mind, it’s the it’s over, I want a divorce threats. I genuinely don’t think he does want a divorce but I’ve called his bluff this time because it’s unacceptable. I have never taken my wedding ring off except for chores etc! For me it’s symbolic of being together even if you don’t ‘like’ them much at that time.

This made me laugh!

He won’t say anything to his Mum- she’d say the same as you!

I have to say I can be a little more like your husband in this scenario sometimes, most times I'm more like you but there comes a point where I feel so hurt and unheard I can't think straight, it's the only way I can get myself to stay sane in the situation is to feel like I can remove myself from it even temporarily because I get so scared - there's a background which explains this so it might not be relavant to you at all but in my case it really is a coping strategy for myself to not disassociate.. Might not be relevant but worth exploring does your husband feel very threatened/unheard or are your communications during conflict so bad that you just end up saying crap because nothing else is working/fixing it

Thanks for the alternative perspective. Yes I’m sure for him it is a coping strategy because he feels overwhelmed & wants to shut the conversation down. He’s admitted as much when we’ve talked about it before. However, it’s a line think should not be crossed unless he means it and I’m just fed up. There is always the possibility that he does mean it suppose!

Right, I always struggle to understand people who say 'they act as normal the next day after a massive row'. I read and hear this all the time. Is this really healthy?

I would have thought, the couple takes 20 mins or 1 hour after the row and everyone has calmed down, to agree to disagree, or agree on some compromise. Sometimes these rows are caused by misunderstandings and wrong timing etc etc. Most importantly, some of these rows are a breakthrough for both couple and it is a win win. But how do you know which is which or are you just waiting for another massive row (say your 2/3 a year row?)

I genuinely don't understand and I could never pretend everything is normal after clearly something which both of you decided to 'fight over'. But I will discuss, not flounce off on my own unless i really wanted to discuss the separation.

How about relationship counselling to have a third party there as mediator? He neds to understand that throwing the divorce grenade every time is unacceptable and you agree that you both need to improve communication skills - maybe relationship counselling would help? Cheaper than divorce (probably).

What are you arguing about?
What caused this latest row?

Oh OP I can understand why this makes you feel so bad, and why you've called his bluff.

I am in no place to give advice, as I grew up with a very angry, shouty, door-slamming, wall-hitting father, and as a consequence I'm terrified of conflict. In work and general situations, I can manage, but in my personal relationship, I tend to let little niggles go because I'm afraid to raise them, and don't know how. I can see how this could end up with resentment building, and then a row, but things not being properly 'dealt with' in a calm manner. I wonder if couples counselling would help you both to be able to approach disagreements, which are normal, more usefully?

I hope you're enjoying your facial!

Um well I had a go at him when he got home because he was meant to tidy up the night before but didn’t and so it was left for me- I had the hthe day off but I guess one issue is his lack of contribution to household chores. But we were heading out to dinner with friends so it was just said and then I went off and got ready, we went out, had fun & then once home (we’d both had a drink), he was showing me this car his friend has brought & I said I didn’t like it & he just started going on about how I was being dismissive, that I didn’t understand about classic cars etc and I said some thing like ‘I literally don’t care about cars it’s such a boring topic’ ( which now seems a bit harsh)..BUT he was really talking to me on a condescending manner as if I just wouldn’t understand the beauty of a classic car! and it went from there. The issue of not cleaning the kitchen came up again, him saying he didn’t appreciate me moaning at him after a stressful day at work etc etc. honestly it’s pathetic when you write down, proper first world problems! It cumulated with me saying I was going to bed & that he should go to his mums without me & him saying i think we should separate and I said ‘yeh let’s do that’ and then I went to bed!

We grew up in the same sort of house and my first relationship from 18-28 was like this too.. I’ve had counselling to deal with this and to not bring my reactions in to new relationships- it’s better but not great by any stretch. BUT he’s nothing like my dad or first partner- I’ve never felt physically threatened or scared of him but I find my responses to conflict are to be the peace maker.

facial not till later this afternoon but thank you 😊

Whatever you do, don't do the cleaning today - he'll learn very quickly that he can disappear off for the day and you'll tidy the house.

I would say to him that if he really wants to divorce you because of your lack of interest in cars, then so be it.

@witnessprotection73 I literally don’t care about cars it’s such a boring topic’ ( which now seems a bit harsh)..

No it’s not harsh, you literally don’t care about cars end off (neither do I by the way) and it’s fine to let him know, he probably doesn’t care about knitting (which you’re a passionate about -just made this up-) and he’s told you so in the past.

I’m hearing a lot of walking on egg shells around this guy OP.

@witnessprotection73 arguing now and then in relationships is normal but I find how he handles the aftermath to be very manipulative. To say it’s over after every blow up makes you on tender hooks and it sounds like it’s then you who then goes grovelling. He is trying to train you into not bringing up issues that annoy him. I can imagine sometimes you don’t mention certain things because you know what’s to follow. I think you have done the right thing calling his bluff this time, but I would hold your nerve and let HIM try and resolve things this time. After all, he’s the one who has essentially ended things and taken off his wedding ring.

I've been married for 26 years and my husband and I have never fought like this, and we have never, and would never, threaten divorce like wielding a sword. That's totally unacceptable and really toxic. Fighting like this even just two times a year is really messed up in my book.

My DH and I did - before kids. One of us would declare it was 'over'. It was always heat of the moment stuff.

Never done it since DC arrived.

The reason one of us would say it was because the argument had one of us totally backed into a corner. It became the way to shut down a fight.

Whereas actually just saying - I need a time out now this is too much for me - is of course the better way. But the promise has to be you won't follow the person, or fire a departing shot.

When tempers flare so much, you have to give grace in allowing one person to be able to walk away - otherwise you end up with things being said that aren't meant.

@witnessprotection73

It's because you agreed with him and said yes let's separate them and didn't pander to it like all the other times hes upped his game by goi g out and ignoring you all day.

Play him at his own game.

When he comes back don't try talking to him. Let him approach you and tell
Him the very next time he says about separating after a silly argument then that is literally what will happen as you will not tolerate being threatened with that to keep the peace.

Tell him his behaviour is verging on abusove and coercive and walk away

What do you think he will be like when he returns?