I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

It sounds shit !

4 hours a day driving your kid to and from school - fuck that !

I can’t get past the two hour round trip school run! How do you manage that?! Surely there’s a strong argument for moving closer and at the same time you could find a more suitable property.

Oh you made me cry laugh! Thank you for saying that, you are the first person who ever has. It is bloody shit! I hate it!

Get your DH to do the school runs, see how he likes spending 4 hours a day driving.

Dh loves where we live, it’s genuinely his idea of heaven here. To get anywhere from here is minimum half an hour away, so initially school being another half hour on top didn’t seem to bad. In reality though, it’s exhausting - we leave the house at 7am and Ds doesn’t get home till 6:30.

Yeah, that doesn't sound great. It doesn't matter that it might appeal to others or look good in pictures if it's not the life you want.

What do you want? If you could choose, where would you be?

It's not good for your kid either - 4 hours a day in a car as a choice ! It's just not fun enough

If your dh doesn't realise that 2 hour school run round trip is awful for everyone (your poor children too!) then he's as thick as a plank.

It's sounds very isolating. Will DH discuss moving with you? Does he ever do the school run?

You're living a life designed by, for and around your husband. Not surprised you don't feel too comfortable in it.

What happens when you have conversations about this?

It can't be ideal for your son either. Does he like living there?

It sounds awful OP like you’ve not been able to have any say in your own life. Surely if DH wanted you to be happy you could move closer to schools/civilisation?

That does not sound good or fair - and the company dodge sounds, well, dodgy as fuck. If you don't need the money, why take that risk?

What do you want? If you could choose, where would you go?

The biggest thing that strikes me is that you are expecting other people to do things to make you happy and you are also expecting permission from others to do what makes you happy, none of this is necessary, you need to let go of this belief as it is limiting your life in quite a severe way!! Start taking action to make yourself happy. Things you’ve mentioned you could look at;

Move house
Buy a new car
Start a different business or get a paid job or retire or volunteer

I think you’d really benefit from seeing a life coach to help you undo these beliefs you’ve developed and to get clear on what you want.

I really recommend the book Manifest by Roxie Nafousi. It really helps with practical steps to get clear on what you want and to take action to get it!

Good luck

I used to do a 25 min each way school run and that was bad enough. By the end of each term I was bored rigid with driving back and forth 4 times a day.

1 hour? Your h must be incredibly selfish to expect you to do that.

What's the point in taking retirement only to open a new company in the same area?

What a stupid place to live when you have a school run to do. I don't blame you for hating it.

You’re a passenger in your life to him, not a participant.

Who does the shopping , the chores?. What happens if any one of you get ill or have a toothache?. Suffer till you arrive in civilisation because you’re living in the back of beyond. Sod that and I would now sell up.

It sounds rubbish, I don’t get why your husbands wants with the house have come before you and your child. Make some changes OP, if you don’t start putting yourself and your child first your DH is never going to start doing it off his own back.

Also why can’t you sell his old car and buy one you want?

This is how it feels, like I’m living in someone else’s dream life and I don’t fit somehow. But I feel ungrateful for saying that because like someone else said, on paper and in photos it looks idyllic.

Dh becomes frustrated with me if I try and talk about changes. Sometimes I can make him see how I feel, but there’s very little follow through on that in practice and then I feel more resentful.

Ds would like to live closer to school but doesn’t mind too much - he would like to be able to walk to a shop (our nearest small village is 4 miles over fields from our house) the school run is only an hour for him - it’s me that has the 2 hours as I’m coming back again.

Why can’t he do the school run for a few months? You say you are both retired so why isn’t he doing it?

Sell the car. Do it tomorrow. Get your dream car.

I wonder if you say what you feel or you think your husband should read your mind. You need to speak up and not accept something you really don’t want. Start with the car - go find a new one tomorrow and px yours.

Is there a bedroom on another floor? Move into it tomorrow - tell him ‘I tried but I hate it’.

Get him to do the school run in September - suggest you take it in turns. Or get a classic car and say you can’t do it any more - as you don’t want to put miles on the car as it will depreciate 🤣. See if he is as supportive!

Bet you’ll be moved by Easter 😂

The thing is You haven't created this life your DH has and you've gone along with it. Firstly, move house, then get yourself a car you like and a job you like.

Is it the life you hate OP (and I would hate that too ) or do you not like your H and marriage either? Because if you don't want to end up divorced I think he is going to have to compromise a lot somewhere along the line and ideally pretty quickly. . If you aren't that happy marriage wise either , then I would be looking at separation and finding somewhere that actually suits you far more.

If it comes down to compromise We live in Bath but just outside here there are lots of lovely big houses with land (but within 15 minutes drive to good schools and towns) same applies all over somerset and wilts and Devon and I'm sure it's the same in many parts of the country with lots of countryside.

Definitely sell the car and get the one you want. Also sleep on a bedroom on another floor!

can DS board during the week at school and just come home at weekends??