I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

Thank you all for talking to me. It’s helping. I have spoke to the doctor and have propanol and I had a weeks sleeping tablets. They won’t give me any longer than that so I’m taking Nytol now. Because my mental health has been crap before, I’m usually good at doing the basics - getting fresh air / showering / eating etc even when it feels like climbing a mountain. The mountains just bloody big today.

I’ve taken over the bank accounts. He’s transferred it all to my personal account (his suggestion) and is in the process of closing his and is only going to use the joint account. I’m as protected as I can be I guess. Partly I’m angry though, like him handing over control is easy way out of having to adult or something? Im not sure, it’s a good thing, but it’s also avoiding the issue in a way?

He immediately went back to work with a local farmer he’s helped before so again, he’s trying. I genuinely can’t fault his response, but that’s making me feel worse in a weird way as it’s like he’s trying to get a gold star for fucking up so badly?! Does that make sense?

I know I need to create a life I love now. But I love him. I wanted / want a life with him and our children. Things haven’t been great recently but until then we have been so happy I could have pinched myself. I’m trying to save us because I’m trying to look at the bigger picture. I keep hearing that interview with Michelle Obama where she tells about how hard marriage is, and if you have 20 good years out of a 30 year marriage then it’s worth it. I’m trying to think this is our rock bottom, but it might be still worth it working at for the bigger picture. I genuinely don’t know if that’s madness though!

Op…

@Lifemistake i doubt Obama has been spending a huge part of his savings sending money to women he had never met and telling them he loves them…

And yes every marriage requires work.
But there are some big things you can’t brush past. This man has destroyed the trust you had in him.
And yes look at all the right things he can do when he wants to or rather when he knows he is watched. YAY for the gold star and what an amazing man that does all the things he needs to do to save his marriage because it is so important to him.
but your marriage wasn’t so important when you didn’t know. He didn’t try and do the right thing then. He didn’t get rid of his phone when he realised he was sucked in. He didn’t talk to you/a counsellor to stop that behaviour, he knew was so damaging.

Thats why I was saying dint make a decision now.
You are already starting to convince yourself that you should make more efforts, you should appreciate all the efforts he is doing, that he is doing all the right things. That you should accept 1/3 of your marriage is supposed to be hard work.
And it’s understandable. Because you are still running after the marriage you knew. You want that back. You want the good times. It feels safe. It feels good.

But how will you know it won’t happen again (in whatever form), incl the controlling side he was showing in the first place, wanting things his way etc…. If the reasons for his behaviour are never looked at? If he doesn’t work on changing his attitude?

Youre right @Lifemistake . All he does now is like a kid striving for a gold start. All surface stuff. Nothing that is actually addressing the real issue that has been driving his behaviour. I’m not sure you (or him) even know what it was. Or why he thought he could decide where you’d live Wo 1- telling you all the ins and outs of the finances and 2- taking your own needs and wants/desires into account.

What about saying that you can't face winter in that isolated house, and that it isn't fair to the children. Buy or rent a house or bungalow that you like, near their schools and in a place where you can build social contacts for yourself and the children. A small town might work best. Give it six months, with a commitment to a formal meeting to discuss things again (preferably with a witness who is on your side) at Easter.

If you feel comfortable with him visiting you in the new house, get one big enough to give him a bedroom.

Don't let him gaslight you into feeling guilty when he is the one who has been playing mind games.

I’ve taken over the bank accounts. He’s transferred it all to my personal account (his suggestion) and is in the process of closing his and is only going to use the joint account. I’m as protected as I can be I guess.

Hmm, what’s he trying to hide? I would ask for all the statements from his bank accounts going back 5 years.

But I love him.

What does that mean? And who is this man you love? Do you even know him? He may have been cheating on you all along.

In your OP you said: I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Does he actually care about you?

You were worried about changing car and he’s texting scam artists abroad.

I know you are upset and confused- you love the mirage of the man you thought you knew.

There is so much unpicking to do and your husband is unlikely to have the skill set to do it.

I read once that leaving the marriage will be a year of heart ache if you distance yourself completely. Reconciliation post cheating the pain of the next 12 months will be like pain you have never felt before and in 12 months you will barely have scratched the surface of TRUE reconciliation. You will have another 1-4 years to go. Sweeping under the carpet reconciliation maybe.

Write a pro and con list. Work out your true fears and take your time to make a proper decision.

you love the mirage of the man you thought you knew

Thats how I see it. You love the image of the man you thought he was, you love your lifestyle and you love your kid.

You feel like you should be happy and you might be happy if you were married to someone different. The weakest link is DH’s character.

@Lifemistake

Could you sell the house? Is it mortgaged and does it have equity?

I know what that hurt is like- I found by chance a pile of songs and poems 7 years ago that had been written 10 years before (and he recorded himself onto CD playing the songs too) - all about a 21 year old that did work for us - they did use to text a lot too- he says it was just a huge crush and she had no idea- but it was incredibly hurtful and I don't think I will ever feel quite the same- I don't think you will either. Actually seeing stuff like that is utterly horrible

I didn't leave as it was from10 years before- if I had found it at the time I think I would have and certainly if it was more than 1 person and he had been spending family money

I know you think you love him - he really doesn't deserve you

@MysteryBelle I think the OP can do well without your views thanks. Trump of course had a model marriage with a wife their for money who looks at him like she loathes him

When they say marriage is hard they mean when forces outside of the couple’s control test it, you know, illness, bereavement, that sort of thing…not when one of you is actively sabotaging it from the inside.

His little flurry of activity to try to put things back together won’t last. He’s making a superficial effort just so you’ll settle down again and be a good wifey taking care of everything as you have done all this time. Protect yourself financially, gather some figures and get some legal advice to see where you stand.

I’ve been separated from my cheating STBXH since December, and while I have my ups and downs missing the man I thought he was, I can tell you, the freedom and peace is amazing.

He's cheated on you and put your health at risk. He's squandered the money that should be for your children. He's controlling. What more will it take for you to leave?

I think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him

He’s already has done. Repeatedly. In lots of ways.

Please keep your US political crap to yourself.

I think he has betrayed you on so many levels. I couldn't get over this from a partner.

I would make plans to leave him - where has he thought about you on all this?

You're getting lots of good advice here OP, but just another thought, if £70k is such a life changing sum for you, can you really afford to be retired?