I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

You need to start saying NO to whatever your DH wants if it doesn’t meet your needs *(and not wanting a 4 hours drive to school each day is a NEED, not a want).

And your DH is selfish. Not one thought about you, the impact of ‘his dreams’ on you etc… it feels closer to you being an accessory to his perfect life tbh.

Funny how your domineering husband's dream bedroom is exactly the sort that triggers you.

Are you sure this isn't actually deliberate?

In abusive relationships, it's common for the abuser to create isolation and pretend that the other person is unreasonable for, well, having emotions.

You couldn't be more isolated. He's engineered you being in an anxiety-inducing situation at all times and yet he'd be the one hurt if you moved bedrooms?! 😬

Of course you’re exhausted and depressed when your PTSD is being triggered regularly. No amount of idyllic location or on paper amazing will make a difference to that - particularly when it was not your choice and is someone else’s dream. Not only is your PTSD being triggered by the house, it’s also another instance where your agency and needs are not considered which surely contributes.

Add in the huge school run and i’m not surprised you don’t feel motivated.

Is your husband really aware of how deeply this impacts you, because it sounds like maybe he’s a bit dismissive? Whether that’s a lack of understanding or because he doesn’t fully recognise how impactful PTSD can be I don’t know.

Saying all that, have you had any therapy? It can be really helpful but of course you need to go at your own pace and it’s not at all helpful to already feel unsafe due to the constant triggers in the place where you should feel the safest - your own home.

I'm sorry but your DH doesn't love you. Not in the way you need to be loved.

He has forced you to live in a house you don't want to live in and that causes you to relive horrific childhood trauma.

He wouldn't even compromise on the bedroom you sleep in within the house, even though not sleeping in that specific room would make a huge difference to your mental health and happiness.

When someone loves you - really loves you - they care about your happiness as much as their own. Your happiness is their happiness. They will make sacrifices and compromises so that you can both be happy together.

Your DH is not making any compromises. It's his way or the highway. He's happy for his son to have to spend 2 hours in the car every day going to school. He's happy for his wife to spend 4 hours in a car every day, to do a job she doesn't like, and to live in a house that literally traumatises her, all so that he can have exactly what HE wants. He's a selfish arse who only loves himself. I'm sorry, but that's the truth of it.

You have experienced childhood trauma which will have affected how you relate to others. You have married a man who is controlling, and the pattern of behaviour that started in your childhood of you being controlled and abused while you remain a passive victim is continuing in your adult life.

You don't have to live like this and you do have a right to pursue a life that makes you happy. Your happiness does not have to negate the happiness of others. It's not the black and white situation you're making it out to be. I'm wondering if therapy or counselling is something you've thought about - on your own, first, and then perhaps with your husband? It could be an enormous help.

Money cannot solve everything OP.
There are lots of threads about 'rich' women trapped in unhappy marriages. You're not being ungrateful and have nothing to feel guilty about being in a gilded cage.

Dh loves me, I know that, but he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says.

Expecting your dwife to do whatever he says isn’t love though….

I also just want to say loud and clear that none of the concerns you have raised are petty. Absolutely none of them.

This OP.
Also what sort of man lets his children suffer for a dream?

If I thought for one single minute that my partner's PTSD was being triggered by where we lived the house would be on the market the same day. Because I love them and care about them. You are not being "difficult" FFS.

He has bullied you into living in a house that triggers memories of abuse. That's abusive in itself.

I also think your life sounds shit on so many levels, it’s not idyllic at all. You’re a passenger in it, not a participant.

You matter. Are you undergoing any therapy currently for both PTSD and your childhood abuse?.

Who would think you “princessy” if you wanted to change or property: him or you?.

If the school run is the main issue ( I can see why it might be) then surely a boarding school is the answer. In my experience it does children the world of good and helps everyone treasure family time at home..

I drive DD to her activity twice a week just over an hour each week. It's utterly utterly hideous. 5 days a week - fuck it, your DH needs to do it or move.

If he's retired, why can't be do school run?

OP don't buy this "I'm being spoilt, my life is a dream life" shit - did he tell you that? Your life is not a dream life at all! You work, in a field you don't like. Drive for 4 hours each day; and live somewhere that not only is dark and remote, but triggers your PTSD. Read that back. You live somewhere that literally elicits you a trauma response.

You need to leave. Tell him you thought that it would be ok, but the reality is different.

Your DH gets a lot of say doesn’t he. Wheres your say?
seems to me you feel you owe him ‘yes’ to everything maybe because ‘he sold his companies’?? I’d reconsider that perspective. You deserve a 50% say in everything. It doesn’t matter if he’s a dream husband/very rich/worked v hard- marriage is 50:50, you don’t get a bigger share of your say if you’ve got other great stuff you bring to the table. 50:50 that’s it. Does he really know how you feel and what does he say about you being miserable?
Call me a cynic but is there any chance he’s trying to keep you where he wants you as you’re legally the owner of ‘his’ company??? (It’s not his btw, it’s yours).

Ok well I think that’s a major issue in a marriage - how important you actually are to your DH is something you need to find out?

Can you explain why you’re worried about upsetting your DH by telling him you’re not happy, but he’s not worried about living in a house that’s giving you upsetting flashbacks of abuse?

I mean many partners would be seriously concerned.

@Diddykong that's not a bad suggestion too - or a desk in a coworking centre , so that OP only makes 1 journey there and 1 journey back

I think he should start doing the school runs whilst you start prioritising your mental health. Get some current treatment for your PTSD. Do it tomorrow! I'm sure that with help you can come to enjoy your life. At the moment you are coping but with treatment you can start trying to enjoy yourself again.

I'm sure if you explained to your husband that your bedroom is not going to work out for just now whilst you have some PTSD treatment he would understand, honestly in the forces they are all over it, my bro is and he got his wife free counselling for her birth trauma. Have you been totally honest with him?

Worst case scenario..... you're being Princessy. (You're not) but say you are being Princessy..... so bloody what?

You have to make sure you're happy and if you're not and DH won't shift his boundaries to help you be happy, then he doesn't love you

So you're better off without him

Everything you want to change is in your power.
Have a conversation about moving, you're allowed to say 'you tried, but it's not working for you'
Sell the car and buy something 'you' want
Is the business in your name only, if you don't work then look for something that gives you pleasure

If nothing else your dh will have to do his gate share of school runs

Agreed.
This isn’t anyone’s dream life OP you must stop kidding yourself. It sounds like a nightmare.

He's not taking your needs seriously and you're letting him get away with it.

I would say you're only doing school run once a day and otherwise he needs to do it or pay for a taxi. That's where I'd start. If he complains or kicks off just say 'ok' then start taking action, like renting a flat near the school or something similar and spending all day there and not doing anything in the house or business.

You know what your needs are. Show him you're taking care of them even if he doesn't and he will either have to step up or give up.

You're not spoiled at all, you're in a gilded cage. I'd advise to start acting much more spoiled I.e. centring your mental health and wellbeing, pronto.

The care and the company are easily fixed - you can sell the car and hand over the company to your DH when the year is up.

The house - you will have to find your voice and speak up.

car not care

I think your dh ( and you in your guilt about not being happy) are conflating the trappings of wealth with a good life. I saw my parents do this - on paper it was idyllic , big house in the country, private schools, international travel and flash cars. But I longed for a ‘normal’ loving family with cosy laughter - and endured years of a school journey that was a 30 min car ride followed by an hour on a bus. They ended up hating each other, had a miserable divorce the minute my younger sister went to uni that rumbled on for years with fights over money. Don’t be them x

Cut to the chase (sorry). Would you consider some therapy? I think if you found the right person it’d be really good for you. The way you continually apologise and are unable to have agency in your own life, and don’t see anything wrong with a husband who sees a bedroom as ‘perfect’ when his wife is in terror of sleeping in it needs some examining. I think you know that there’s often links between this sort of wrongthink and a past where abuse was suffered. You used to be ‘badass’? Is that before this partner? Old patterns tend to find a way to repeat on us, but you can do something about that.
im sorry your husband can’t see what you need. Maybe he needs you to be more assertive, (army man…might need very clear communication and bit more ‘badass’)? or perhaps he’s just not a great husband, but you can work on you and get to a place where you can see a path you want to take, with or without him. But not in that godawful house. That needs changing. You should mean more than the house. You need to, don’t you really?
life isn’t always great or perfect, but we don’t have to just let it pass us by. Nice things and money should help free you, not trap you. Good luck.