I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

Why does your husband not do the school run ?

The worst thing about your life is that you don’t seem to have any say in it. You’re not actually trapped, but because you have had no input into where you live, what you do for work, the car you drive, you feel trapped.

Start making some changes.

Sell the car, buy one you like.
Think about what you want to do for work longer term.
Tell your DH you’re miserable and you need to start making plans TOGETHER to live somewhere you find mutually acceptable.

It can all be changed.

Start doing things you want to do. Sell the car, get one you like.

Start the conversation about selling up - it's ridiculous that you are living somewhere that triggers your PTSD and anxiety nightly.

You should have an equal voice in the way your joint lives are going - it doesn't seem like you do. You're doing everything your dh wants.

I think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him.

I am sorry, it’s moved faster than I anticipated and I’m trying to read everyone’s replies.

If he does say that then you get to stop wasting your life with someone who doesn’t want you, and start fresh with money from the divorce and alllll your own choices. Win win!

Dh becomes frustrated with me if I try and talk about changes. Sometimes I can make him see how I feel, but there’s very little follow through on that in practice and then I feel more resentful.

Well, that’s tough luck for your DH, isn’t it, you have a right to express your views and explain why this setup isn’t working for you, and it isn’t the best setup for your DS either.

I’m not happy with where we’re living atm either and I’m talking to DH about longterm plans to move. Realistically, it won’t be for a few years for us, but it’ll happen, because I’m not spending the rest of my life somewhere that I don’t want to be.
Having been married for 20-plus years, I know we can find a satisfactory compromise- and you can too.

I think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him.

But that's what you feel underneath it all anyway, isn't it? You go along and don't rock the boat because otherwise it'll expose that he doesn't really give much of a shit.

I find it bizarre that a loving husband would insist on moving to exactly the sort of place that will spark your anxiety and trauma.

There are things that you can change much quicker and easier than moving.

The obvious one is where you sleep - is there a spare room /guest room that isn't on the third floor? If so, try sleeping there for a bit. That's an immediate change.

It doesn't sound like a 'lovely life' at all it makes me feel claustrophobic and twitchy even reading about it. Anyway, it's irrelevant if it's objectively 'lovely' it's not working for you.

The key here seems to be communication, which sounds as if it's lacking on both sides. You say you've tried to tell him what you want and he gets 'frustrated' -- which makes him sound selfish. But then you also say you accept things (the car, the bedroom on a top floor) in the hope that he'll care enough to not do them...? Which makes it sound as if you're a poor communicator, or at least reluctant or unable to say exactly what you want, possibly in case it annoys him. Is that fair? Can you say exactly what you do want?

(Why do you do the school run all the time? Isn't it fair for the person who wanted a home in the middle of nowhere to do the driving?)

If the school runs are an issue, and you’re wealthy as it seems,can you not hire a regular taxi? They usually do contract rates, they can do pick up and drop off, morning and evening. You then get that time back.

in addition, your husband can practice after a year, so at that point you can bow out.

however you need to explore why you keep agreeing to things you don’t wish and not articulating it to him, and are scared he will bin you off.

If money is no object why not rent a flat for you and your DS near the school for you and him to stay in during the school weeks. Surely 4 hours travel a day must be costing a fortune anyway?

Then move bedroom in your main home, and sell the car and replace with one you like. You need to get back in charge of your own life and happiness. Just because you're very fortunate doesn't mean you have to relinquish control.

I would look for a flat rental closer to school, in a town, somewhere you can go Monday after the school run and leave Friday night. You can afford it. If it's near the business great, otherwise you work from there. Find a course near there you want to do - fitness, fine art, computer programming, creative writing. Join a book club, make friends, get your son to invite friends over for gaming/tea, I imagine that's something he is missing out on too, that normal friend stuff? Gain some space to exhale and work out what you want.

Tell H that your (and DS) quality of life driving 4 hours a day, living remotely is not working and this feels like a compromise which works for all of you, you want to pursue your own interests. He can come to the flat one night in the week if he wants, otherwise he stays in his country pile and is happy.

An option?

This

Stop waiting for DH to agree

Sort your own life out. Make things happen for you

Don't wait for permission for fucks sake

The way you've written your post is as if you have no agency at all in your life - you agreed to the house, to the car, to the school run...if you've moved to this love big farmhouse, why were you not able to say no, I don't want to sleep in that room? Why were you not able to say, no, I don't think it's a good idea to set this company up in my name?

I'm struggling really, you seem so passive, like everything is just happening to you with no input from you, but you also expect things you want to happen to just happen, also with no input? I'm not sure why you expect your husband to not be a little irritated when you agree to big decisions and only when they've happened do you voice your concerns?

I agree with another poster - it sounds like you could do with some life coaching or assertiveness therapy or something. It's fine that you're not happy and want to do something about it, but clearly your husband is happy with everything and so isn't going to willingly alter his life to suit you. Not saying that's right by the way.

Well he will get frustrated if you start talking about changing things, won't he?

Because right now he has everything exactly how he wants it.

It doesn't sound lovely

It sounds Isolating and claustrophobic

Dh can do the school run of its so easy/a non issue

I just wanted to say I’m still here - I’m reading everything and it’s all resonating, my brains not keeping up with replies though.

our marriage hasn’t been good this past year, and I am worried that if I start saying I want to move / change bedrooms etc, it’s going to rock an already rocky boat. Dh loves this house, this bedroom is his dream bedroom apparently (which is ironic as I hate it! there’s too many doors in it for my PTSD to cope with before we even get started on it being on the 3rd floor) If I moved to the next floor down tomorrow DH would be hurt and see it as me being difficult or rejecting him I think.

He does sometimes do the school run, and in his defence he is ex military and as such an avid cleaner and much better at keeping order in the house than me.

The car I can do something about though, and I will look at changing it, even just to try reclaim a tiny bit of control. There’s so many examples though where I seem to of lost myself and capitulated.

Realistically I don’t want a life where I live in a flat 4 days a week, or Ds boards. But if I change our lives to make me happy then it will make everyone else unhappy, which in turn will make me anxious and unhappy.

Dh loves me, I know that, but he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says. I think I’ve fallen into that trap too, which is bizarre as I used to be a badass. I don’t know where I lost my way with all this.

You'd be better off renting an office near the school so you're not going there and back again all the time

Surely that's a better outcome than just continuing to plod along, desperately trying not to rock the boat just in case it's true though?

You have to start advocating for yourself. If that one simple thing is enough to send your husband packing then the marriage isn't worth having.

Sorry OP I'm sitting here with my mouth open.
You have NIGHT TERRORS due to the location of your bedroom and your DH gives zero shits?

This is before we even get into the 2 hour school runs.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.

How exactly does he love you again?

Op you’ve taken the first step- you now have a list of all the things that make you feel crap. They’re not first world problems, they’re real issues that make you miserable. You and your dh need to talk x

I think I’m struggling to force changes because I can see on paper how lucky we are, and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat saying I’m unhappy. I feel like I should be happy.

if I said I wanted to move to a different house as this one’s too big, or change my car cos the Jaguar isn’t what I want - it’s all a bit princessy. I feel like my DH thinks I’m being difficult, and so he’s frustrated as we have a ‘lovely life’

I promise I’m taking on board what you are all saying, I’m just trying to process it all as it’s the first time I’ve spoken about it and had validation that I might have a point.

Your husband sounds very controlling. That’s not healthy in a relationship.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Why not rent a nice apartment near your DS school (I’m assuming this is near a reasonably sized town or within a few train stops of a good sized city). Drive in on Monday morning and drive home on Friday afternoon. Your DH could even come up for a few nights if he wanted. Get rid of the car. Decide what car you want and get it - I’m assuming you have equal access to money. I have a friend whose DH made a lot of money under similar circumstances. She still drives a Peugeot 205 - a top of the range one with all the extras, to be fair - but she just loves them. And don’t open a discussion with you DH. Sit down by yourself. Write down what your own perfect life would look like (within the constraints you have), and how you could maximise your happiness. Look at what is feasible and realistic (changing a Range Rover for a Vauxhall Astra is completely doable and could be done in a week or two). If you can’t get an apartment can you hire a taxi or a nanny to take your kids to school - even a few days of week. Tell your DH you are taking the bedroom on the first floor as it will make you feel safer and happier and he is welcome to join you.

I feel for you having to live in a house that triggers trauma. I would prioritize moving if you possibly can.