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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

292 replies

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 20:17

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 17/08/2023 21:50

Why are you so passive? You live in a house you don't like, in an area you don't like, drive a car you don't like. Did you tell him your feelings about any of these things or do ypu wish he just figured it out?

You need to decide whay you want to change then talk to him.

Shutuptrevor · 17/08/2023 21:50

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 21:41

There’s so much for me to think about here, thank you for everyone for replying. I thought I would get my arse handed to me for being ungrateful so I’m really grateful to you all.

I have had several breakdowns leading to weekly outpatients psychotherapy. The last lot was about 9 years ago, so I’m possibly due a check in with a counsellor to make sure I’m on the right track again.

My ptsd means I wake up screaming, but there’s no rhyme or reason to when it happens - I can do it every night for weeks on end, then nothing for 3 months. It’s happened in every house we have ever lived in, so I think DH feels like it’s not made worse particularly by being here. Someone who said I haven’t vocalised this very well is right though, I think I need to have a proper conversation with him rather than just assume he knows how I feel.

Dh is a good man, but he is used to having his own way. I hope he would want to make changes if he realised how bad things were, but I’m genuinely a bit scared to explore that more at the minute because if he doesn’t then the writing is on the wall really. I don’t know if I’m ready to push that button yet.

im going to try get some sleep now, but thank you all for replying. I have a lot to think about x

If the worst case scenario is that you split up; there’s quite clearly more than enough money for you both to live comfortably m- and in your case, to live a life you actually want!!

Mirabai · 17/08/2023 21:52

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 21:44

I really am going to bed, but I was reading the cross posts that I had missed.

This resonates hugely, and would be an excellent approach with DH. I think he thinks I’m being emotional, and as such easier to dismiss. This way there’s actual logic and a plan.

Thank you so much for posting this, as it gives me something practical I can run through when I’ve come up with my plan.

Show quote history

I like that post and the approach. But the bottom line is a lot simpler. You don’t like the house, it’s too far from school, indeed everything, and you want to move nearer civilisation. To a house you actually like that doesn’t give you nightmares.

You can talk about working nearer school but that still ties you into the school run and a commute. You’ll still dislike the house. And it will still be miles from anywhere.

And, while you’re at it, he does need to start listening to you and considering your perspective to avoid further mistakes.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 21:52

I'm not sure this is about miscommunication at all. As far as I can see, you told your husband you didn't like that third-floor bedroom, and that it stressed you. He not only overrode that, he told you it was his 'dream bedroom'. I mean who says this exact room is my dream bedroom? It's a statement designed to shut you down. I feel that's a horrible place to be, and I'm not sure frank communication will have the desired effect at all.

Superstar22 · 17/08/2023 21:54

I’d suggest seeing a psychologist for your nightmares/ PTSD. You can do remote sessions and it can be resolved relatively quickly (within a few months). In addition to the suggestions made above.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 21:55

I mean, he knows you were sexually abused, have PTSD, wake up screaming and hate houses where you feel trapped or more than two stories high. He then chose a three-story house, and positioned you sleeping on the third floor, declaring that it was his dream room.

See where I'm going with this...

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/08/2023 21:56

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 20:43

I think I’m worried that if I put my foot down and say I’ve had enough and I want to move, that DH might just say it’s not worth it and will show me that I’m not important to him.

I am sorry, it’s moved faster than I anticipated and I’m trying to read everyone’s replies.

Show quote history

He's already made it very clear that you are not important to him. A decent husband wouldn't put his wife through night terrors etc and a decent father wouldn't make his child do a four-hour round trip to get to school.

Imagine life without him. Is it better than life with him? If so, leave.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 21:57

I also wanted to say something about the night terrors- they may well be caused by PTSD and I would get therapy (people speak highly of EMDR? in relation to trauma/abuse resetting, or just regular psychotherapy would help). It's also the case that lots of meds, even regular boring stuff like anti-depressants, beta-blockers and others can cause night terrors or make them worse. I wonder if you are medicating your feelings/stress and that's also something in the mix of the bad nights- although clearly sleeping in a room you feel unsafe will be absolutely exacerbating this.

ZebraD · 17/08/2023 21:57

Not really fair on the kids with all that travelling nevermind you doing it. Surely they find it difficult too and how do they socialise with friends. Sounds like a nightmare! I bet you’ll find you’re not on your own x

Solonge · 17/08/2023 21:58

The fact is it doesnt matter if you live the dream life of others if its misery to you thats what counts. You get one life. I get that you care for your husband and children and dont want to rock the boat but really? You are willing to sacrifice your entire happiness to please others? Its not selfish to have a voice and let others know its not working for you. So far its been established your husband got his dream house and dream car and you got four hours a day as a taxi….time to stop being a total pleaser and look after you.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 21:59

Finally (sorry, these things keep occurring to me!), night terrors are often worse simply because of lack of sleep and tiredness. That drive every day, on busy roads, plus working in the business, plus not relaxing at night due to feeling unsafe will all be contributing to you feeling wrung out and exhausted- this will also worsen night terrors (I know, I have them and they are worse at times of stress).

EarthSight · 17/08/2023 21:59

I can't afford my own home that is half decent in my mid 30s. I have to live with my parents and have some health concerns, but I can see why you're unhappy.

First, you spend an awful lot of your time driving. At the money you're on, I'm surprised you can't afford a taxi to help you out at least half of the week.

Then I'm wondering how much of your life you have spent compromising when it comes to your husband. He wants something, so you have it. He doesn't want something so you don't have it.

Do you really love him? You sound really sad.

Then, there's the trauma. I imagine your PTSD is not just coming out of nowhere but is being triggered by general anxiety or saddness you feel day-today.

And finally, you live very remotely in a house that is a reminder of that trauma. Sounds even more remote than where I live.

Does your husband feel hard-done-by in your marriage or something? Without that context, he just sounds unfeeling, selfish, cold and ruthless. He seems like a dominant character who has gone for someone quiter and and more submissive than him, someone he can steamroll over easily when he wants his own way, which is often by the sounds of it.

EarthSight · 17/08/2023 22:01

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/08/2023 21:55

I mean, he knows you were sexually abused, have PTSD, wake up screaming and hate houses where you feel trapped or more than two stories high. He then chose a three-story house, and positioned you sleeping on the third floor, declaring that it was his dream room.

See where I'm going with this...

Yeah for that he honestly sounds like a twat OP.

VanGoghsDog · 17/08/2023 22:02

Hang on.....he gave up work for his health, then he went back to work but you're doing it instead of him?

How about you give up work for YOUR health!?

ironorchids · 17/08/2023 22:02

Oh it's time to bring back badass you. She's in there. Take that piece of paper your perfect life looks good on and burn it. It's not your piece of paper and you clearly don't want it so who cares how it might look to other people. It looks nightmarish from here so I think you might not realise how undesirable your life looks from the outside anyway.

First, he's ex-military. If he's been on tour then he should understand trauma. You can't reason in or out of PTSD from abuse, and it is further abuse for him to pressure you to sleep in a room that is very triggering to you because it is his "dream room". So tell him it triggers you. It sounds like he doesn't know it does as you haven't told him.

No loving spouse could conscience their wife having their bedroom as a room that triggered issues with past abuse. That would immediately remove it from the possibles dream room category. You have to communicate to him immediately that this is how it makes you feel and you can't stay. Tell him it's like gulf war syndrome. There is no compromise on this front.

Second the car. Just sell his old car and buy yourself a mini and drive something you like. He sold yours for the same reason so this shouldn't be a problem.

The living situation. This one is harder because the main way out of this is to move. However the way I would approach a conversation on living situation is what is best for the kids. Your child's school is a two hour drive away. How on Earth do they hang out with their friends? If they're too young for that then how on Earth do they do play dates or after school catch-ups or whatever is appropriate for their age? Extra curricular activities?

Living this far away from town, even a single shop, will get more and more unworkable for children as they grow older and it will become their life's mission to leave Whereversville and have a life. As they become teenage they will likely start to resent every day they live in the middle of nowhere with no ability to go down the road to their friends houses or play in the park.

It's a Linley life for a child living in the middle of nowhere and I would push and push this to move closer to their school.

Have you and DH discussed your child's social needs as they grow up?

MumblesParty · 17/08/2023 22:04

DrySherry · 17/08/2023 21:15

If the school run is the main issue ( I can see why it might be) then surely a boarding school is the answer. In my experience it does children the world of good and helps everyone treasure family time at home..

So OP sends away her beloved child, so she can spend her days alone in a house she hates with a husband who doesn’t listen to her?

BeeandG · 17/08/2023 22:07

I really feel your sadness in your posts. Your life just sounds like it isn't really your own. There is some really good advice on this thread which hopefully you can take. I wanted to add that you may have perimenopause symptoms affecting your motivation too..worth a chat with the GP. As for the school run..we live a 5 minute drive from school & I've reached the point where we need to move to the village where the school is. Yours must be a nightmare. I hope life improves for you

TreesandFish · 17/08/2023 22:07

I feel like my DH thinks I’m being difficult, and so he’s frustrated as we have a ‘lovely life’

sadly, you don't have a lovely life. Your husband does. You are desperate to make sure he doesn't stop loving you, but the reality is that a loving husband would not be forcing you to live that shit life. What's going to happen when your son goes off to uni? You'll be all day in that house that you hate? I support the idea of renting a flat near the school. If you husband doesn't like that, it is His problem. Start living your life - you only have one chance

ILoveToads · 17/08/2023 22:07

Was he high up in the military? Sounds like he is used to being able to control situations and make decisions without anyone being able to disagree or have an opinion taken into consideration.

You are not under his command and should be in a home and bedroom which doesn't cause you PTSD. It's very disturbing that he doesn't see this, or worse if he does.

Wishing you the best, hope you find the happiness you deserve.

joan12 · 17/08/2023 22:09

Placemarking to come back to this. Am in a v similar situation

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2023 22:09

Your DH seems to have chosen the life he wants and expected you to enable it.

Fuck that shit.

boomtickhouse · 17/08/2023 22:11

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 21:08

I think I’m struggling to force changes because I can see on paper how lucky we are, and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat saying I’m unhappy. I feel like I should be happy.

if I said I wanted to move to a different house as this one’s too big, or change my car cos the Jaguar isn’t what I want - it’s all a bit princessy. I feel like my DH thinks I’m being difficult, and so he’s frustrated as we have a ‘lovely life’

I promise I’m taking on board what you are all saying, I’m just trying to process it all as it’s the first time I’ve spoken about it and had validation that I might have a point.

You're not lucky, on paper or otherwise.

You're in a controlling relationship where you have been swept into a life you don't want.

You put others perceived happiness ahead of your own.

Your DS must be unhappy with a long commute and presumably is unable to hang out with friends outside school. Shit for him and you. If he's too scared to address this then that says a lot about how he views his dad as well.

Not lucky. Golden cage. You can leave if you want a happier life.

weebleswobblebuttheydontfalldown · 17/08/2023 22:13

It strikes me that your wants and needs have been by-passed somewhere along the way, think this is what I'm like these days, I'm easy going etc it's perfectly reasonable for you to re evaluate your circumstances asap - and this time you MUST put across your wants and needs very clearly. No wonder you are so anxious, you must be exhausted and stressed. What you want is so important too! I don't think you come across as spoiled but you must talk to your DH asap

Newusernameaug · 17/08/2023 22:13

I had this every day at school to - a minimum of 1 hr, if not 1 1/2 each way sometimes to school.
big house, horses, private school - dream life on paper.
behind the scenes was a different matter!

If he doesn’t love you enough to actually listen to what you want and then both mutually decide where, what and how you want to live and create your future then surely there’s no future with him?!

Blueroses99 · 17/08/2023 22:13

Lifemistake · 17/08/2023 21:01

I just wanted to say I’m still here - I’m reading everything and it’s all resonating, my brains not keeping up with replies though.

our marriage hasn’t been good this past year, and I am worried that if I start saying I want to move / change bedrooms etc, it’s going to rock an already rocky boat. Dh loves this house, this bedroom is his dream bedroom apparently (which is ironic as I hate it! there’s too many doors in it for my PTSD to cope with before we even get started on it being on the 3rd floor) If I moved to the next floor down tomorrow DH would be hurt and see it as me being difficult or rejecting him I think.

He does sometimes do the school run, and in his defence he is ex military and as such an avid cleaner and much better at keeping order in the house than me.

The car I can do something about though, and I will look at changing it, even just to try reclaim a tiny bit of control. There’s so many examples though where I seem to of lost myself and capitulated.

Realistically I don’t want a life where I live in a flat 4 days a week, or Ds boards. But if I change our lives to make me happy then it will make everyone else unhappy, which in turn will make me anxious and unhappy.

Dh loves me, I know that, but he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says. I think I’ve fallen into that trap too, which is bizarre as I used to be a badass. I don’t know where I lost my way with all this.

If I moved to the next floor down tomorrow DH would be hurt and see it as me being difficult or rejecting him I think.

Reframe this. By refusing to move to a different floor, he is putting his WANTS above your NEEDS. You are rejecting the room, not him. He can join you on the first floor. Your needs and ability to make your own choices are important.

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