I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

It's the gaslighting/them denying things that aren't ok that sends you utterly loopy.

Glad you are putting yourself and creating a happy life for you first.

Oh OP thanks for coming back, I'm sorry it's worse than you thought, your spidey senses were off. I think this is the start of something much better for you. I'm not going to say LTB, I think you know that's a real option now for you, but either way your counsellor is spot on, you have to build your own happy life.

I meant to say your spidey senses were right...

Oh @Lifemistake im sorry.

He really wanted his cake and eat it. And no respect fir you at all….

I like your counsellor attitude. Create the life you want and he might be able to fit in if he meets your standards.
Id add that even if he does finally fit those standards, you’re still allowed to not want him anymore.

Keep creating the life you want for you and your kids. Don’t consider him at all he’s not considered you . Good luck I think you’d be happier separating from him, you are worth so much more!

Create a life you love.

You already have a list of the things you don't love. Clear them out and see what fills space the space that is left.

Change the car
Find a house where you son can walk to the shop
Do something for work that you enjoy..

You haventy of money ... let it buy you happiness.

Thanks so much for your update. Your counsellor's advice is good! I'll reiterate that you don't have to include DH at any point, if you eventually find his presence won't add to your joy.

I'm glad you found out about the affair. Of course you feel violated, and it certainly does explain why your discomfort had reached crisis point. Taking everything you wrote into account, a husband with a secret is only part of the problem; if this provoked you to make the change from living his life to living yours - she's done you a favour 😄

Enjoy spreading your wings.

Do you feel that it has almost spurred you on to take control of your comfort and happiness- it has come at a cost though hasn’t it. Keep your happiness at the forefront you deserve it x

So pleased to hear your update (been off MN for a few days).

And belated appreciation to @GarlicGrace for her excellent post about mutually respectful communication strategy.

Geez, just take your lucrative half and end the marriage. You're not too old to start again - he is though.
You need a mantra, " I'm going to please myself". He sounds joyless, living so remotely with a DC sounds miserable. How does your DS socialise? What does he do at the weekends? He might be OK with stuff now, but he won't be in teenage years when there's rock all for a teenager to do locally ( or is he like his mum and just fits in with others to his own detriment).
I don't mean to sound harsh, but what are you clinging onto? Unless the counselling helps you to leave, it's pointless. It's not like you can't afford to separate. The only person stopping you from a lovely life, is you.

No wonder you felt like you were going crazy! It sounds like you’re not considering leaving him though?

@Lifemistake your life sounds awful. Are you actually going to stay with him?

Take your time, @Lifemistake . From my own experience, I would suggest that you need to reconnect with your own wants and your own self and see where that gets you, before you consider what you want in the long term.

So in fact he is not a good man.

Controlling, selfish, cheating scum.

No wonder your MH is so fragile.

I really hope you wake up to the fact that you are as unwell as you are due to this awful man.

You deserve so much better.

As does your poor son.

Get legal advice and divorce him.

Why on earth would you want to remain with someone so awful.

What a massively selfish arse he is! This is the time to put you and your son centre stage.

Oh OP, thank you so much for updating, I've been wondering about you. What a mixed bag. I'm glad you have made some changes and feel better about some aspects. Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Sorry op but I am glad you made changes.

Cheating is a character flaw in the cheater - please don’t fall for any unmet needs nonsense.

Cheaters cheat due to entitlement, selfishness, low self worth, lack of integrity, the need for external validation, poor communication skills etc.

They think they deserve 100% of their needs to be met.

Your needs certainly were not being met, see first post, but presumably you didn’t cheat. Don’t let his poor choices (they are choices not mistakes) make your self esteem suffer.

Make your life happy - you are correct.

Oh and walk out of any unmet needs counselling session - absolute nonsense.

I am struggling today. Im seeing the counsellor tomorrow but I’m so anxious. I can take feeling angry and hurt, but it feels like I’ve gone back into shock and now I can’t feel anything except tension. I just can’t function today.

I don’t know if I said, but it wasn’t just one affair, there was 1 main one, but several others he was sexting or saying he loved. He hadn’t actually met any of them (I’ve checked his location history) but I wish he had rather than saying he loved them In a way. He’s given them literally Thousands of our money, I mean literally transferred them £5k / £3k / £1k at a time. When I ask why he doesn’t know, because there’s so many he’s getting muddled.

He’s seeing the counsellor, he’s given up social media, he’s saying he doesn’t even need a phone if it’s making me anxious, he’s come clean and held his hands up and is trying to make it better in every single way. I KNOW he’s doing his best, but I’m a mess. I want to save my marriage, but I’m just a mess.

Get rid of him OP- and I say this as someone who's H had an affair of some sort ( he says emotional only but I can't prove that) 17 years ago and I only found out by chance 7 yearsago- we are still married but it was a one off thing.

Your H sounds like he's an idiot constantly in need of an ego boost. Take the cash and create a life you actually want or you are in for more of this shizzle!!

There’s not that much money left to be honest! We are still okay, but there is at least £70k missing that’s been frittered / given away. He’s given it to friends too. We are in a very different position than I thought we were, ans would have made very different decisions about holidays / house purchases etc if I had known. I’ve been very naive. I can’t even get angry about that. It’s ridiculous, there’s literally tens of thousands missing from our savings account and I care more that he’s texting some random woman in America (so no chance of seeing her) saying he misses her and wishes he was beside her. It just all hurts.

@Lifemistake you don’t have to make a choice now. Decide if you’ll do all you can to save your marriage or say Enough is Enough.

Now is the time to focus on YOU. Not him but you.
Just concentrate on you, what will help you take one step after the other. Take one day at the time.

Now is not the time to look at what he is doing and ‘oh look he is saying all the right things just now. Isn’t that amazing!’. Now is not the time to push through trying to save what you had (In part, because it’s already gone). Because all of that is making a decision that your marriage is worth saving when I don’t think you are in a position to take such decision.

So what would make you feel less anxious? What would make things easier for you?
And did you contact your GP re some ADs, to help through the next few weeks/months?

Why do you want to save a marriage to a serial cheat? These are just the ones you found out about. What is there to save exactly?

You weren’t happy in your life and now you have the chance to create the life you want while you’re still young.

Xpost

re the money, have you done anything to protect what is left?

He ismid 50, still of working age. Is he planning to go back to work, at least to make up for what he lost?

Im aware it might feel grabby or not what it’s all about. But you do need to protect yourself financially too.

But you do need to protect yourself financially too

Agreed. You need to get out now to protect your assets from all other women he will fling cash at. (And whatever else)