I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

Honestly OP having reread your latest posts I'm deeply concerned that this man has convinced you that it's spoilt or princessy to want to move to a different floor of your house to avoid abuse PTSD being triggered. That's insane. It's such a small thing to him, and such a massive thing for you. It really shows that he's done a complete number on you, convincing you that any deviation from what he wants is spoilt.

HE is the one being a spilt princess! He has made his wife suffer PTSD because he wants a particular room!! He has made you sell your car! He has made you drive 4 hours in that car you dislike! HE is the spoilt one. Time to break free.

The 'lovely life' you have is his lovely life, not yours. Everything is how he likes it. So of course he thinks it is lovely and can't understand why you feel the way you do. but on the other hand, you are entitled to feel discontented. You aren't living your life, you are existing in his.

I really don't see why it's princessy. You can still have a lovely life in a two storey house nearer the school. There must be more than one lovely house in your area.

For immediate purposes, tell your husband that moving to a room on the floor below isn't rejecting him, because there is no reason why he can't move down with you.

Men can tend to take over. I remember the last long term boyfriend I had. I moved in with him and I began to feel like I was living his life. We hung out with his friends, his family, did what he wanted to do.

I began to feel like I had totally lost myself.

You need to assert yourself. Point out to your husband that you are living in his house, working in his company and driving his car.

Start making some choices of your own

Your husband should be doing 50% of the school runs. But he should also be listening to you when you say tall houses give you the creeps. Let him do enough school runs that he gets tired and bored of it. Then suggest you need to move nearer the school. As DC get older they will want to socialise and do clubs at all hours. You want to be no more than 30 mins drive away from school and most friends.

And please get therapy that helps you state your needs so you no longer drive a car you hate, live in a home you hate, doing a job you hate and a crazy commute you hate. You need to state clearly what you want and what you don't.

Step 1: DH does school run.. no reason not to.. he is retired.. it is your business.

Step 2: Buy a car you love.. you can afford it... swap a holiday abroad for a staycation (meaning actually just stay at home)

Step 3: Get yourself a counsellor...

Step 4: Get yourself a mentor... structure your business around you... even if that means less profit.. get someone else in to do the work.. you don't want this.. your husband can pay someone else to do it and get round the rules another way.. this is not your dream..

Step 4: Put yourself at the centre of your story, you are not your husband's support person.. if you can find a way to be a partnership where your needs mattter... great.... otherwise... no.. you will not get this time back.. you only get one life! You can choose to endure it.. or to love it. Be the role model you want for your children.. do you want them to do things because they make (even more) money or because they bring them... not even joy... just whatever it is that is just above anger and resentment..

Are you scared that if you say no, he'll tell you you're a bitch and ask you to
Leave? Like, his feeling love to you is conditional on you playing nicely along his rules, and that it would all come to a crashing end if once you step out of the "we pretend we love each other" game?

OP, regarding your latest update - why do you think you 'should' be happy with a life you don't want?

Why do you think your happiness is worth so little?

Who has told you that you have a 'perfect' life and that asking for anything for yourself or expressing a dislike of what you have is 'selfish' or 'princessy'?

Why are you afraid of being honest with your husband? What do you think will happen if you are?

You deserve a happier life than this, in which your time is valued, your emotions are taken seriously, and you feel safe and secure.

Tbh he sounds like a selfish nasty cunt who doesn't care about you. So he has his dream bedroom and doesn't care his wife not only dislikes it but is actively traumatised by the doors and floor it is on, causing you to panic about fire. He lives where he wants which deprives his child and you of any possible social life or freedom or time for homework or clubs. He uses your name to start a business that you then have to work for, why? Fuck right off.
In my life I do what I want and my husband does what he wants. We make life choices like houses together and I would not live so far out.

Fucking hell, the school run alone would drive me nuts with rage and resentment.

I hear you.

Is he the one telling you you are spoiled? Because to me he sounds spoilt rotten.

He lives in a remote location that he loves - I get it, I do too. But it imposes costs which should be borne at least half by the person who chose the location, i.e. him. You doing both school runs is totally unreasonable.

He has his dream room. Great. He can sleep in it. It's not your dream room. So you sleep in your dream room. If he wants to share, he can come to your room.

You're running his business, driving his car, living in his choice of house and sleeping in his dream bedroom.

His. Not yours. You haven't really had an equal say in any of it, have you?

You are not living you are existing in someone else's life. You need to speak up, not just for you but for your Son also.

Show him this thread. Clearly anything you've said to him about this situation so far has failed to penetrate but this thread is very straightforward.

Agree that he's the spoiled princess here, not OP.

Not sure how that could be spoilt, more like a slave to someone else.

A gilded cage is still a cage.

The only way to keep your sanity is to tell him and see where the dice fall. If he'd pick the house over your mental well-being, then it's already no marriage worth keeping

that is an absolutely insane school run - literally bonkers.

OP - you get one life, nobody on here can tell you how/ when/where the change will come - but you do get to choose how you live your life - and this isn't it.

I grew up rurally. It's shit for most people imo. Some people love it but you need a particular mindset and a fair bit of resilience. Personally I find there's nothing like the buzz of being in the city or (as a compromise) the cheeriness of a decent size market town to cheer me up when I'm down in the dumps. Can't be doing with coming home to darkness, sheep and, in winter, the sort of grey-tinged cold that seeps into your soul and chills you inside out.

A cosy, safe, well-lit two-bed flat where your DC could walk to school and there's a shop within 5 minutes walk to grab wine and snacks would probably do wonders for your mental health, especially in the miserable winter months.

Also that length of school run must be shit & tiring for your ten yr old - and as they go into their teens how are they going to get much chance to socialise and gain independence?

Rural living is wonderful in many ways, but it's not great for teens.

You’re living his life. His dream house, his old car, his business. No wonder you’re not happy.

I’m in a similar but different position and I’m struggling big time. Also a privileged life from the outside, but stuck living my husbands dreams. I chose it but with my eyes shut. It’s shit.

The house and bedroom situation makes me angry. Your DH’s dream bedroom should not be one that makes you feel scared and triggers your PTSD. He should respect that you have this major trauma in your past, and that making you feel safe regarding that is a non negotiable foundation of any other arrangements. The fact that he doesn’t speaks volumes.

The house also sounds very remote and many people would not like that.

I think many people don’t have their dream job or car, and don’t live exactly where they want. I actually don’t think those things (excepting the stuff mentioned above) would be a major problem for you, if they were inevitable or if you knew the family was doing it’s best for all members. I think they bother you more because they are symptoms of your DH being selfish, probably quite emotionally cold, and expecting everyone else to fall in line with his dream. I am sorry but I think underpinning this is the sense that he either does not care enough about you, or is deeply emotionally dysfunctional in some way, and that you are walking on eggshells putting up with things that you should feel able to talk about and sort out together.

Of course he loves where you live, he isn't doing the daily 4 hour school run.

Hand that job over, to change his mind!

He's ex military ... he’s used to getting his own way in business and people doing what he says

Sadly none of this is any surprise - at best he seems completely lacking in empathy and at worst he sounds like a bully, especially when some of the reasons you're uncomfortable in the house are factored in

I totally get the worry about rocking an already unsteady boat for fear of ending up in an even worse situation, but only you can decide if what you're tolerating is too much. A frank conversation with him might be difficult, but to go on living unhappily could well be worse in the end