I’ve created a life I dislike and I feel trapped

[Lifemistake]

I know I am incredibly fortunate, and this really is first world problems, but I feel so utterly trapped and anxious and I don’t know how to fix this.

My husband sold his companies 3 years ago after a health scare, and we both took early retirement. I’m early 40’s, he’s mid 50’s. We have a blended family, but our youngest together is 10.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give everyone the life they want, that I’m now miserable and resentful because no one is looking out for my needs as well?

we used to live in a brand new barn conversion, but when we sold up my husband wanted to move to an old farm house with more land. It’s incredibly remote - my school run is an hour each way, it’s obviously old and the layout compared to the barn which was open plan is just so dark and cramped by comparison. I was sexually abused as a child and have a real fear of houses over 2 stories high. Our bedroom is on the 3rd floor and my sons is next floor down, which means I’m constantly panicked incase there is a fire and I keep having night terrors due to PTSD from the abuse. My husband knew this was my concern, but I said I would try, but I feel like selfishly I wanted him to care enough to say don’t be silly there are other houses?

I drive a lovely car, but it’s DHs old one because he wanted his dream car and so I said we could sell my old one and I’d just have his. It’s genuinely other people’s dream car, but it’s not my choice.

We have started another company but it is in my name because he cannot practice in his old field for another year under terms of selling his shares. I never wanted to work in this industry, and whilst I can do everything that is needed and it will make us a lot of money, I am unmotivated and again, resentful that my life doesn’t feel my own.

Theres other examples, but I realise how petty this all sounds. I feel like I’m going insane, that I’ve lost myself. We have such an amazing life on paper - regular holidays, kids at private school, a beautiful house, but I don’t feel at peace anywhere. I don’t know how to rock the boat though without upsetting everyone. I want my husband to care enough about me that these things matter to him too?

Am I being spoiled? I feel dread every single day once I wake up, I’ve come to bed now just to try and escape. How do I make this better?

Please be kind. I know I am so incredibly lucky, but I feel at rock bottom and desperate to just run away.

OP, I am feeling claustrophobic just reading your posts.

What happens if you get snowed in in winter?

Why did you move out of the barn conversion?

You get one life. Are you going to spend yours unhappy?

Can I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Not all of it will apply to you, but you need to make changes. Also nice girls don't get the corner office. That'll help you to stop yourself being swept along in someone else's life

you don't need to change everything all at once and throw the baby out with the bathwater if you don't want to. the problem is that you have NO control at the moment, you need at least SOME control and a say and a feeling that your voice matters.

a 4 hour school run has GOT to go, wtf?

its time to put some "negotiation" and "compromise" into practice

I’m with the fuck that brigade. Just no.

OP you keep saying that you have a lovely life on paper. But you don't live your life on paper. You live it for real, every day.

You're so unhappy, but you can make changes. First off, stop worrying about what your DH wants. He doesn't care about what you want.

He's quite a bit older than you, and there are two thoughts that strike me about that. One is does he see you as some sort of trophy wife, there only to make him look good? The second is more important. There's at least a 99% chance he's going to get worse as he gets older.

You have a right to be happy and to live the life you want. You are not on this earth purely to make everyone else happy at your expense. Think hard about what he brings to your real life, not your paper one.

OK, being generous to DH here, @Lifemistake: He's ex-military. Does this mean he's Mr Efficiency - see what needs to be done; do it; job done; next?

I'm imagining (generously) that he had a very clear idea of what the ideal family life would look like, got on with it, tick, tick, tick, and failed to consider human complexities or even personalities in his decision-making because he was never trained to build those factors in.

If this is so, your best approach might be to call a meeting with him - an actual meeting, in which you bring an agenda with proposed solutions. So, for instance,

1. Driving 4 hours a day just to take DS to school is a ridiculous use of time & money. I can cut that in half by working from an office near the school. This allows 2 more hours to get work completed, within a normal working day.
2. I'm no more comfortable with the Jaguar than when you gave it to me. It's too big/heavy/etc for my liking. I'd prefer a [other car]. I propose part-exchanging the Jag for one, which will cost us £x.
3. As you know, the farmhouse is more to your liking than mine. That's fine, but the 3rd floor in particular causes me serious distress and I'm not sleeping well in our bedroom. This isn't my fault - and I have given it a good try - but I'll need to move into the first floor bedroom, where I feel more secure. I propose doing that by the weekend.
4. Whatever other things bother you: situation; issue; solution.

Expect to finalise timescales and budgets by the end of your meeting. Also expect him to come back with his own list; set another meeting for that!

If this is mainly a matter of miscommunication and his heart's in the right place, this should go a considerable way towards improving your life at the Farmhouse Of Distance.

If not, well ... the problem is your husband, not his methodology.

Just echoing what others have said.
Why do you think you should be grateful for that life? You said you would try living in a house that triggers your childhood trauma but why did you even have to try? Why wasn't your husband saying he wouldn't go anywhere near a house that triggers you?!
It is really easy to do anything for an easy life, especially with a husband who is very.. capable? Then you realise you've lost who you are. I've had the exact situation with having his old car and eventually I got one that I liked instead, much less fancy, but it made me much happier.
Be strong and know that all the things you've mentioned are completely valid.

This whole life sounds very isolating- you're tied up for four hours a day and far from friends/ family, and social activities. Do you think your husband has engineered this as a way to keep you apart from others? If your husband pulls the plug on your relationship because you're not happy and want things to change, that should tell,you that he doesn't love you enough. Think about that and what you want to do about it.

OP, I don’t understand why your options are so binary? That if you change things everyone will be unhappy? Why isn’t there a compromise in the middle somewhere. Your husband wants everything his own way and you are supposed to just get in line.

It’s absolutely ridiculous that he is choosing his “dream bedroom” over your sanity. I am furious on your behalf. This giant, selfish, man-baby needs a reset.

There’s so much for me to think about here, thank you for everyone for replying. I thought I would get my arse handed to me for being ungrateful so I’m really grateful to you all.

I have had several breakdowns leading to weekly outpatients psychotherapy. The last lot was about 9 years ago, so I’m possibly due a check in with a counsellor to make sure I’m on the right track again.

My ptsd means I wake up screaming, but there’s no rhyme or reason to when it happens - I can do it every night for weeks on end, then nothing for 3 months. It’s happened in every house we have ever lived in, so I think DH feels like it’s not made worse particularly by being here. Someone who said I haven’t vocalised this very well is right though, I think I need to have a proper conversation with him rather than just assume he knows how I feel.

Dh is a good man, but he is used to having his own way. I hope he would want to make changes if he realised how bad things were, but I’m genuinely a bit scared to explore that more at the minute because if he doesn’t then the writing is on the wall really. I don’t know if I’m ready to push that button yet.

im going to try get some sleep now, but thank you all for replying. I have a lot to think about x

Your DH seems incredibly selfish. He's got everything he wants, what about you? Doesn't he care?

I’d be looking at houses and even change schools if need be to get a house I loved that is very close to a good school. Why let him dictate to you the house, the car, the company, everything? I don’t get this. Tell him what you want and get it done. Start doing it. You can financially afford to do so, sounds like. If he can decide everything so can you. Seriously though, just tell him it’s too far to drive to school every day and that you’re not happy, the house’s layout makes you think of the abuse you suffered. I would start the ball rolling and he would just have to go along with it. It’s not going to hurt him to move closer to the school or to another dream house. He’ll get over it. You have very good legitimate reasons for moving.

I feel like my DH thinks I’m being difficult, and so he’s frustrated as we have a ‘lovely life’

There is no we in that though, is there? HE has a lovely life, exactly as he designed it no consideration for others. And when you try to talk to him, he shuts you down or implies you are spoilt. Marriage is about compromise and negotiation. He sounds like the kind of man you meet in middle age who are bitter about the breakdown of their marriages, profess to be mystified as to why their wives left but you could tell them exactly why after a few minutes of listening to them.

Not on my paper you haven’t. You like in a dark, cramped house miles from anywhere with a crazy school run and a dominating self-centred husband. What’s so great about it?

Ok I don’t know why you’re complaining about a jaguar but the rest is a shit.

I think the real question is why do you have so little sense of self and so little voice that you ended up somewhere you don’t want to live, doing something you don’t want to do and can’t even believe that your perspective is valid?

DH has a lovely life as he got exactly what he wanted. He doesn’t even have to do the school run.

Thats the first thing to change btw, as of Monday he’s doing it. It will focus his mind on the charms of living so far from school.

I really am going to bed, but I was reading the cross posts that I had missed.

This resonates hugely, and would be an excellent approach with DH. I think he thinks I’m being emotional, and as such easier to dismiss. This way there’s actual logic and a plan.

Thank you so much for posting this, as it gives me something practical I can run through when I’ve come up with my plan.

Hi op I haven't read all the replies but I didn't want to read and run.

You mention your husband had a health scare and that caused everything to be changed and centered around what he wanted.

Not only have you been through something possibly worse but you are still living with trauma agitated by his choices, you should be equal if not the priority to ensure you are ok.

He doesn't sound very caring and cleaning the house doesn't make up for that.

Id say to your husband you arent happy and xyz needs to change, see his reaction and what happens next and then re evaluate. You sound absolutely lovely and deserve to be happy xxx

Sounds is not the lifestyle but the trauma.....prayers for good health and help

You have got to tell him outright and directly how this all makes you feel. I don't understand why you agreed to any of it in the first place?

You could move to another similar house with land a bit nearer to civilisation. 4 hours a day on the school run is utterly insane! Poor you, and poor child - must be so fucking boring!

Tell him you are changing your car because you don't like it. How could he object to that?

This is never going to work for your child long-term. He's remote from his schoolfriends, and when on earth does he do homework? As he gets older and goes to post-primary he will have much more to do in the evenings, and he must be so tired with that journey.

The fact is, the only person this works for is your DH, and he could be just as happy somewhere else. This doesn't work for you. Tell him x

OP you’re the one who’s really struggling here but you’re still worrying about your DH’s feelings. I’m not sure how much you know about your psychological health affecting your physical health but I can assure you that the way you’re thinking right now is a sure fire way of becoming ill.

You’re giving your DH all the power. You need to stand up to him and if you do you may find that he doesn’t want to lose you and he’ll start to feel as insecure as you. That’s when you get your power back. And if he isn’t bothered then you will have to face that…there’s no point being with someone who doesn’t care about you.

It sounds like you’re in a prison with a part time driving job. You’ll look back in ten years time (hopefully earlier!) and think ‘What the hell was I doing?!). You can’t live like this so put your needs first. And if its too difficult to do just for you, then just think about looking after yourself for the sake of your son. He needs you and this situation is destroying you.

Do NOT REPEAT NOT show him this thread. You may need more help from MN in the future.

@GarlicGrace this is amazing advice I've just screenshot it thanks!

Op sorry you are feeling this way, doesn't sound fun. Would you consider talking to someone to feel more confident with articulating what YOU want and need? It sounds like a self confidence and self worth thing to me. If he decides what you need isn't important then he doesn't deserve you. I would say maybe have a very serious, open conversation first. Sometimes we don't realise people don't get the obvious, it needs to be brushed to their faces.

OP you say you're a blended family and your youngest together is 10, so there must be older children in the mix? If they aren't already then soon they're going to want to spend time hanging out with friends after school/at weekends. How will you manage that? As they gain more independence and look to develop a social life they won't thank you for living so remotely. Just something else to think about.

I agree with what others have put. It's not a perfect life for you (and forget this "on paper" stuff), it's a perfect life for your husband and no-one else. You are equal partners and you need to be having your needs met too.