Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

I find this really strange ‘My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut. ‘
I think you and DH should keep a firm line on holding boundaries ánd following through with consequences. This behaviour is unacceptable, but it isn’t the first time they’re behaving badly is it?

So your dds were being rude to you, your husband broke one of their phones deliberately and you were then abused some more?

I personally would leave them all to it.

He broke her phone? Bloody hell!

Ah no. What spoilt little jerks.

Just stop doing for them. They’re old enough to cook and clean and do their laundry. You’re not their slave.

separations are tough for everyone, if she’s not following up with counselling, you can’t force her.

Teenagers are hideous anyway, but that name calling? Oh, hell no. Not politically correct, but I’ve had flown at them and made them regret ever opening their mouths to me in that manner.

Consequences now would include not running around for them on the holiday anymore, I’d remove their access to devices permanently and let them mope around while I enjoyed the rest of my time.

Can't say I'm not tempted to break my dds phone. Only thing teens care about nowadays.

Hard to say but judging by the latest situation you're all stuck in a cycle of jumping to chaos and sometimes it becomes the norm.

As in, they've defaulted to going nuclear and so has your husband perhaps and round and round you all go.

It sounds like they have had you at their beck and call 24/7 for far too long. Teenagers do not need one of their parents to stay at home (tbh, nor do toddlers), they need to learn that their parents don't exist purely to serve them. They sound like a pair of spoilt little madams and I would be taking my distance tomorrow. You need to all clear the air, apologise where necessary and work out a way of fixing this. No child should be speaking like that to their mother.

You are a safe pair of hands to let rip to, that's why they are doing it. Dh was seeing someone else but they know he wouldn't put up with them gobbing off at him and this was proven with the phone being broken as a result because of his rage.
Step back from doing stuff from them and let things calm down, have the conversation when you get back home and make it clear that such behaviour isn't on.

By chaos I wasn't meaning you are, but perhaps everyone else is jumping into orbit or going too far.

Your daughters shouldn't be talking to you that way and your husband shouldn't have gone to the point of breaking the phone. Fuel on the fire, round and round.

You need to resolve any issues you have somehow, whether that's making them go to counselling because they may not do it off their own back.

In the meantime, stop being a skivvy and make them take responsibility of their own lives and experience how hard it is doing everything for themselves. The more you do for them the worse it will get.

I was doing my own washing, ironing, beds, cleaning chores since I was 12 and although I wasn't like yours, it taught me respect, gratitude. My mother and my grandmother both drilled this into me, basically that I should learn to look after myself and never expect a woman to do it for me and it worked.

Take your son and leave them too it.

I know I over compensate with them. My parents separated when I was 11 and I was left to look after my younger siblings because my mother went back to work. She was very emotionally and physically distant and mentally abusive.

I envied my friends that had and still do have parents that support term and help them. I cooked, cleaned and had to grow up from the age of 11. I didn't want that for my kids.

It's hard having no family support.

So your husband was also seeing someone else but they don't acknowledge this only what you have done? Why is this? I'm probably wrong but I would pack some stuff and go and stay elsewhere for a while if I could.

I started to see somebody else first. Very short relationship for six weeks. DH then started seeing somebody but didn't tell anybody. I eventually found out. His family never acknowledged his relationship but they told everybody about mine including his father calling me a slut to my face in a public place.

You need firm boundaries.

Give a list of chores you expect them to do in return for lifts, money etc.

I'd also be tempted to stop asking the, to pick up wet clothes and towels etc. yes, they should. Yes their mess impacts others. But if they think they are old enough to use that sort of language towards a loving mother then they are old enough to realise not putting wet stuff out to dry or in the wash means they remain wet and dirty.

You need to respond to anything such as "my towel is wet" with simple answers like "well hang it out to dry then". Obvious answers which only lead it to be obvious they could have worked that out for themselves!

I wouldn't be bothering to try and change their minds by arguing. Let them see for themselves what you've done for them over these years by not doing it anymore!

So sorry you're going through this. Sounds horrendous

I would love a few days on my own/with my son but not possible. We are still abroad for 15 more days.

So take your son out for the day just the 2 of you. Plan more times like this. Don't invite them. Just tell them you and son are doing x and will be back at x time.

Don't show any inclination that you are even intending to plan stuff for them.

The whole situation sounds toxic. How does a 7 year old know their parents is having an affair? Breaking someone else’s belongings is not acceptable. I can’t imagine teenagers would be happy about being away from their friends for 7 weeks. Go on shorter all inclusive holidays so you all get a break. Consider family counselling.

Understand your upbringing but you need to also think that it works negatively in the opposite way too if you do too much. There needs to be balance in that regard otherwise you'll be a doormat expected to do everything for everyone.

You need your own time, you also need support at times it's not your duty to do everything.

Your kids are 13 and 15, there's no reason for you to be a SAHM, get yourself back to work and leave them both to it!! they're a disgrace.

Is your son with you on holiday?

If it was 8 years ago you both split up and they were 5 and 7 at the time they wouldn't have known everything that was going on at the time, only what others have told them. It has obviously affected them but this spilt brat behaviour is out of line and here you and your DH need to present a strong but calm, united front.
You have obviously over indulged and spoilt them, probably in a mistaken attempt to make it up to them, but you have made a rod for your own back. Children do not cope well with having too much power, and teens are tyrants anyway!
Let things subside and ensure you and your DH tolerate no more bad language. He needs to 100% support you. Step back nowand let things calm down. No more maid service, dump their stuff and any wet or dirty clothes on their beds and don't do any more running around after them. When you get home instigate new rules, toughen up you boundaries and start looking for work outside the home, even if a few hours voluntary work to refocus you from making everything about them. They don't need to be waited on 24/7!

They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother

From the opening post.

How do a 7 and 4 year old know about their mothers and fathers affairs. Also why aren't you working they don't need a sahm at those ages. Even if you work part time it will get you out of the house and meeting new people I suspect your relationship with your girls might improve.

Missed that, sorry.

Then get yourself and son sorted and go out together for the day. They are not respecting you, you've already had a blow up everyone needs distance for a bit. Your husband should understand this too.

Do what you want to do, take some time for yourself and your son.

You aren't helping them by doing everything for them, you are just creating young people who won't cope well with leaving home.

I don't think you need to sort out the phone situation, their father can do that, since he broke it. I do think there should be a consequence to calling you awful names, though. It needs to be made very clear that this won't be tolerated. The main difficulty will be enforcing consequences without it all descending into a mass of accusations, chaos and name-calling.

I've had stroppy teenagers (one punched me repeatedly in the face on one occasion) so I know that it's easier to say than to do, but you need, for a while at least, to disengage slightly. Keep your interactions with them light (no shouting), but calmly insist that they learn to do things for themselves. If they don't, then those things won't get done.