Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

Oh, the poor diddums. She'll live. And maybe learn a lesson.

Do you know why they have become such vile little madams? because you have enabled it by in your own words running around after them, oversharing relationship details that should have been kept privately between you and your husband. this is a mess and unfortunately its going to fall on your shoulders to sort it out. you need to just stop - stop picking up their shit, running around after them putting them first all the time. and it will be tough and horrible but how can they appreciate how hard you work when they have never had to do it themselves? how can a 13 and 15 year old be leaving wet stuff around on the floor. the average 7 year old knows to pick things like this up. All of you have to sit down together and agree that this is a disfunctional family. I dont agree with counselling personally I think you can sort this mess out between you all but it starts with you. and please stop involving young kids in your sex life. really not a good thing to do.

You're assuming that the parents spoke to the kids rather than the girls overhearing his family members call OP a slut.

I cooked, cleaned and had to grow up from the age of 11. I didn't want that for my kids

This was my Mum. It just meant I left home utterly domestically incompetent. It also meant I contemptuously took my Mum for granted. Looking back, I am utterly ashamed of my behaviour. I can see how much she did for us now. And I had no appreciation but just assumed it was my due.

Sadly kids won’t understand or appreciate you doing everything for them. Given they are rude to you, I would just stop doing it. Show them how to do it themselves and leave them to it. They need a real sharp shock to break their utter entitlement. Yes they will hate you for it, but they already hold you in contempt, so you’ll have lost nothing.

Your daughters have also absorbed horribly misogynistic attitudes. This needs to be pointed out and addressed by you and your H. You both had affairs but only you are being shamed and blamed Utter misogyny.

My kids are younger but I tell them clearly wHat I do for them so they appreciate it instead of taking it for granted.

I’m wondering if there’s a link between the way your daughters were parented and their behaviour? I often read about the “new” parenting styles and wonder how the children will turn out.

Such a lot to go through here. Kids don't act like that out of nowhere. I'm not saying you deserve it or that it's ok, but that kind of behaviour from kids that age doesn't happen in a vacuum.

Why do they know about you both opening your marriage at a time when they were 5 and 7? Your daughter's father broke her phone in anger...what else has he done? Why are you still a SAHM, is your son a lot younger? Why have you become a skivvy?

Counselling, for sure. Of course your daughters' behaviour isn't acceptable, but it hasn't just happened for no reason because she's horrible. They're immature teenagers...what are they reacting to?

I hope that lesson is to stay away from angry men who break your possessions.

No advice as I don’t have teens but just to commiserate and say I hope you’re taking some time for you / you and your husband / you and your son.

They sound hideous op; you don’t deserve to be called these names. I know teenagers can be really awful (I have 2!), but this name calling and beyond normal teenage behaviour.

i would be very tempted to take my son and leave. If I was on holiday I would book flights and go straight home, no discussion with them at all. I also wouldn’t do anything for them. No cooking, laundry, lifts, nothing. That would be the bottom line until they apologised and changed their selfish ways.

Can't say I wouldn't of broken the phone. Hope you're okay x

I would be doing 0 for them. No washing, no cooking, no food shopping for them. If I'm such a crap mum I can show you what crap really is.

Agree!

You need to stop doing anything for them and also stop speaking to them beyond the absolute minimum necessary until they apologise. They need a big, big shock if they think that speaking to a parent like this is acceptable.

Time for some big changes.

His family sound pretty awful, do you have any contact with them? I, for one wouldn't.

@Villam - this sounds very difficult.

Teenagers can be very stroppy but using that language to you is unacceptable. That said, they are expressing a lot of emotional distress (your PILs’ behaviour was vile) and they should never have known about the affairs. Your DDs are suffering from a lack of healthy boundaries and deep down that scares children. They may also be worrying that your life represents their future. I think family therapy would be very helpful. Don’t be too hard on yourself. All parents fuck up - we certainly have, but we had family therapy for a while several years ago and it made a big difference to how we relate to each other.

You are doing way too much for them but I think that’s at least in part because you’re an SAHP and feel a need to fill your time and justify not being in paid employment. Once children are in school, a full-time SAHP isn’t required. I know some parents remain SAHPs because school hours don’t match well with full-time jobs/jobs with fixed hours/jobs which can’t be done remotely. That may well be driving your situation. But it may well be better for you and your family if you were to get at least part-time paid employment. If it’s difficult to find paid work, volunteering would be good. It will build up your CV and help you develop confidence and transferable skills and you would hopefully feel less obliged to skivvy for everyone.

She has no automatic right to a phone. It should be taken away permanently.

These girls are in dire need of strict discipline. They sound spoiled, entitled and nasty.

They sound awful. I couldn’t help but bite back and give them a taste of their own medicine…‘Don’t call me a slut, you’re both children who know nothing about the real world. You can’t even pick up towels, or do the simplest of tasks. You know nothing about what went on all these years ago, but for what it’s worth me and Dad got back together because we love each other. However, had I known you two would turn in to such vile fucking bitches, I wish I fucked off with someone else, I really do. Good luck with affording a new phone. You both need to grow up, you’re ruining this holiday for all of us. When we get home, things are changing. I’m not cleaning the knickers of someone that calls me a cunt in my own house. Start doing chores, start showing some respect and I might help you get a new phone.’

If you’re generally a well mannered person, hearing you swear and lose it back with them may shock them.

I realise this is probably terrible parenting advise, but you can not put up this behaviour.

I hope the lesson isn’t to be verbally abusive and vile to get your own way

Why, because then you made them do it?

This is a good point; are your daughters hearing this about you from them? Might that be making it worse?

I'd probably react similar to that tbh as long as ds didn't hear. They're awful.

I hope you take some of the advice on here op. They're so entitled.

Do they spend much time with dh's family? I'd keep them away from that toxic environment.

I can't believe they've called you those names. It's so appalling.

When their father threw and broke their phone that was the worst act - it was violent and destroyed what most teenagers value most. He needs to massively apologise for losing his temper - it doesn’t matter what your DDs did or did not do, he crossed a line, a BIG line.

I’m sorry but your DDs are learning from you both that losing your temper, shouting and throwing things are OK. You’ve lost your authority.

Your DDs might well be entitled and spoilt, but you also seem to have let them be like this without saying a word, and then out of nowhere there is one incident, the clothes on the floor and you and your DH completely lose it.

I’m sorry to be harsh but you and your DH need to adult up and apologise for being so extreme. Focus now on the harsh words and phone breaking, say that as adults you should set the standard and you let them down. Your DDs will hear this much more than if you ignore it, and ‘leave it to your DH to sort’ - you are BOTH their parents and you need to act in a united, calm and mature way.

Then just stop doing so much for them but maybe just do some things together which help the whole family like cooking dinner together or clearing out the garden.

This.
Stay strong OP!!! Teen girls are vile. Don’t take it personally, hold a firm line. Stop spoiling them. X

When their father threw and broke their phone that was the worst act - it was violent and destroyed what most teenagers value most. He needs to massively apologise for losing his temper - it doesn’t matter what your DDs did or did not do, he crossed a line, a BIG line.

They wouldn't even have phones if the parents they have no respect for didn't provide them. I'd strongly suggest to the OP not replacing them, and confiscating the other one, until they learned to behave.

Why are your children "fully aware" of private relationship circumstances of yours and your DH from years ago? what has this got to do with them and why is it being brought up and by whom? If it is by him and his family then that is highly unreasonable and I'm not sure it is you that is the problem here OP.

Your DH becoming aggressive and throwing a child's phone in front of them is completely unacceptable behaviour, they should not be subjected to this behaviour, nor should anyone frankly. It doesn't matter who he was in support of, it is not acceptable behaviour and he should have controlled himself. The example your DC are getting from this sort of behaviour is that it is completely acceptable to lose your temper, lash out if you lack the means to communicate effectively and that it is fine to ultimately be abusive to family members.

Your DC language is also completely unacceptable. At the end of the day, OP - they are too young to have any clue what they are talking about when it comes to your relationship so I wouldn't take it to mean anything but I would be listening to the fact they are ultimately pointing out that the family environment is toxic and the narrative is that you are to blame.

I'd be flying us home as a consequence of their behaviour and considering very seriously why I am with a man who smashes phones in front of children and allows a narrative whereby the mother of his DC is labelled a slut for something that has no bearing on anything.