Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

Sorry to say an old saying but true in this case, you reap what you sew.
You have spoilt your 2 daughters by being at their beck and call 24/7, this is not healthy for you or them.
In my opinion it is a parents job to create happy healthy compassionate humans to go into society, we teach them at least the very basics, your 15 year old is now 1 year away if in uk to be able to marry (with parents consent) she is setting examples for the younger daughter in turn the son is watching all this.
The eldest should now be able to cook at least a few basic meals, clean up after and around herself, without being told to do so, helping out with the younger two, and setting good examples.
You need to get them and your husband sat around the table, (husband needs to support you in this 100%) tell them things are now going to change, not matter how much whining they do it will not work, and stick to it. Tell them what ever happened in the past is nothing to do with them, you and husband have worked through like adults do.
Give them all including your son, jobs to do , draw up a chart if needed, clean own room put washing in basket, clean bathroom after they use it, wash dishes or load and unload dishwasher ironing ect tick off when done, you may need to show them a few times how and the standard you expect.
Take all phones i pads ect off them, they can have 1 of them back when they have earnt it, make sure they do.

I agree with those who say you and your DHs decisions has caused this to happen. By continuing on from childhood being the person who looks after everyone else at the expense of having a life of your own you have dehumanised yourself. They don't view you as an intelligent, well-rounded person. To them you are the unpaid maid who has no life on her own. Might sound harsh but I think you would find that if you weren't facilitating every whim and showed that you have other things in life that you value that is just for you, they will respect you more. It might be too late for the oldest one(s) but at least model some healthy female agency to your younger son. He will also grow up thinking this is how you treat a mother/wife unfortunately. Your DH needs to be behind you in this journey but you need to change asap.

Spend your days with your son and make sure you both have a good time. God knows how you cope with those girls. Counselling should be mandatory not optional.

What a horrible pair of brats!
It's good your DH supported you leaving aside he shouldn't have broken the phone.
I would make life very difficult for them now, holiday or not. Don't leave it till you get back home. I'd go off with my son and leave them to their dad as much as possible. Any devices left, they'd be banned from for the rest of the holiday regardless of apology or not. I'd also stick them in the kids club if at all possible and take the boy off. Icy cool responses and no doing anything for them.
They need to rethink their attitude towards you, and you need to stop feeling guilty about something that happened years ago. You can't change the past etc etc.

This needs nipping in the bud right now (girls behaviour) before it gets any worse. No more picking up behind them, doing things for them, putting up with those insults. I'd find my icy fury and keep it going for as long as possible. Your DH sounds supportive on this which is vital if you are to stop this getting any worse.

Good luck!

Well it's now time to change I totally agree with @Barney60 .
You sit them down and discuss things . They obviously have issues they need to vent so let them do so in a non confrontational manner.
Then going forward they have jobs to do around the home and start talking on responsibilities.
I would also look for a job or volunteer work .

Thank you everyone. Im definately going to book counselling for all of us when we get home. I can't bare this any longer.

I do feel like a maid to them. In their eyes I'm the skivvy and that's my fault for doing so much.

Did your H call him out on it? Do they know about him also seeing someone else? If not, why not? As for his family telling other people about your affair I’d put them right on that one. Your relationship with DH is no one else’s concern.
As for your daughters you don’t have to put up with their shitty behaviour, stop bending over backwards to try and make up for what happened between you and DH. Stop letting them walk all over you, stop being their skivvy for a start. Do less for them. Set some boundaries. Don’t accept being spoken to like shit.
The oldest, if she won’t go for the therapy sessions then stop arranging them.

When you get home op ring the local council.. Also for Early Intervention support.... Meanwhile if they don't respect you as a dm then you withdraw your dm duties. No cooking.. No laundry. Def no phone top ups. And WiFi password is earned.

How old is DS?

Can you not just take him out for the day, during daylight hours. Don't do anything for the rest. No shopping no cooking and no cleaning up after them.

Your daughters are awful and I've never heard children say such vile words . time to get a grip on their behaviour. For a start stop doing anything for them until they start to show some appreciation.
You reep what you sow and people can only hope they behave better outside the home .

If your daughters were aware at a young age of instability and high emotions in the family home then that is how they are dealing now with their emotional response to any change to their lives (right now, holiday abroad). Your DH smashing a phone in anger is showing them still how high emotions and conflict are expressed which may make them feel life is still unstable.

You need family therapy rather than your DDs possibly feeling that it's just their problem and them only needing help. Your whole family dynamic is off incl you taking the entire blame for what happened when they were much younger.

As to what to do now whilst on holiday, if they leave any of their stuff lying around in communal areas you can just pick up and put in their room without comment or eye contact. Just to de-escalate and avoid further conflict.

Once back at home you can slowly build up on their chores around the house. If you go back to work you can use that also as a reason for things to change. My teens aren't the best at tidying up but they do make sure they remove their stuff from communal areas. Their bedrooms though I leave to them as their own private space.

Stop wiping their ruddy arses. Guilt is proving to be destructive so it's time to change things.

Today, take your son and leave them to it. Tell them you won't be spoken to like that and things will be changing. Go off out for the day and at least let him have some good memories.

Let go of the guilt and stop doing everything for them. No good comes of it.

stop acting like a slave

Does your DH happily sit back and let you do everything too?
I would tell them that when you get home you will completely withdraw all labour, there will be a rota of tasks drawn up for everyone (minimal for you), and if things aren’t done then tough. I would remove all phones etc from the girls, and tell them they can earn them back.
For goodness sake stop pandering to these brats, and set some strong boundaries.

Oh OP, you're suffering terribly. Hang fire, these ages are very hard. FWIW I'd have been tempted to throw the phone too- when you're pushed to the limit your stress takes over.

Like PP have said, take your DS out for the day.

Write down some rules they need to stick to for the rest of the holiday and simply put them up. No chat.

When home book that counselling.

I've only read a couple of posts . You have my sympathy, I also do far too much for my family.
A friend with a different personality to mine , blanks her children (who are old enough to look after themselves) when they cross a line. I guess she may give monosyllabic responses, but basically she doesn't speak to them and ignores them.
Might work for you @Villam ?

2 issues- why are you being a skivvy to 2 kids who can do a lot thanks to their ages? Eg It won't kill them to walk or take public transport to where they want to go. Tell them directly that you aren't doing X because they are being dicks towards their brother.

Secondly - have you and your h sat down and talked to them about the separation? They need to hear their dad say that it's unacceptable to call you a slut. You are not a slut, the split was agreed mutually and he has forgiven and moved on from that blip. Slut shaming is nasty behaviour

They’re not babies, stop doing everything for them. They don’t appreciate you and until you stop being a maid and skivvy they won’t realise just how much you do. I’d get up early and head to the beach or a cafe on your own. When they’re yelling I would blank them entirely and leave the room.

What do you mean she's packed therapy in ? She's 15. She doesn't get to decide if she doesn't go, you bring her.

7 week holiday ???

They are spolt brats. They need disapline

I definitely think some sort of family therapy is in order here. Your boundaries are absolutely fucked. At 7 and 5 they were aware of adult things like affairs, but as teens they're not adult enough to have some basic responsibilities for chores. Their foundations must be so unstable and they're acting out because deep down they're terrified.

Their dad sounds violent, aggressive and abusive. Is it any wonder that they are now acting the same? Breaking a phon in a fit of rage is inexcusable and is setting an awful example to your children regarding how to act when they feel angry, I wouldn’t expect children who have grown up having this kind of behaviour modelled to them to be able to regulate their emotions and anger. Your DDs were probably scared after your ‘D’H acted like that and responded by trying to gain control and power through shouting at you, absolutely not okay but the issue here is your DH, who is the adult in this situation, and the awful example he is setting his daughters.

It sounds like your dds are parroting what they are seeing/ have witnessed. You and dh need to be a united front and he needs way better coping strategies because throwing and breaking her phone is really unacceptable, I get that it's hard to keep your cool at times but he's the adult so he needs to walk away in moments like that. If that's how he reacts there's a good chance they're a bit scared of him and are lashing out solely at you because you're 'safe' in that respect.

If they're watching their extended family name call you/ talk behind your back/ give you the cold shoulder and it sounds like somehow they've been given information way beyond their years regarding the affairs then they probably don't know how to process that and are following everyone else's lead and you're getting the brunt of it.

I'd look into family mediation- none of you are really communicating effectively here and it sounds like your girls need a bit more support and they maybe have things they need to get off their chest they don't have the words for. I do think you need to build in boundaries- they speak to you like that they lose their phone for x amount of time for example and you and dh need to be completely backing each other up. I think if they see extended family your dh needs to be setting boundaries there too- they need to be civil to you and not be commenting about you especially in front of your girls. If his family can't do that then tbh I wouldn't have the kids around them.

Have you tried taking your dds out individually and spending some time together doing something nice and asking them what is going on for them? I'd want to know why they think it's acceptable to call any woman those names. I'd also give them more responsibility around the house- they can still be looked after and parented but I'd give them some chores to be responsible for and if they don't do it then I wouldn't and again there would be consequences like reduction in pocket money. Consistency will be key here and things are probably more intense with all of you being together on holiday and in each others space so much.

Stop doing everything for them. They don’t respect you because they see you as a door mat at their beck and call. In their teenage minds, the role of a SAHM parent is to do everything for them, basically like a slave.

Show them you’re your own person, either get a job, volunteer, a new hobby. It doesn’t really matter what, but demonstrate you are a real person and not their personal butler.

It's not long until your dds got to uni. They should know how to cook and clean in preparation for this.
What would happen if the clothes were left wet and allowed to grow mould? Would they be replaced without question ? My kids (who also hate chores) would have picked up the clothes because they wouldn't want their clothes ruined and smelly.

I'm glad you're going to go to counselling. You need a fairer division of chores and non-negotiables around language and respect. Your DH also needs tow work on his anger if he broke the phone in a temper tantrum. Adults losing control can be very destabilising for DCs, especially DCs who've already had instability in their childhood when you both separated.

Individual counselling for you might help before family counselling. I worry in family counselling you'll get overshadowed and your needs will be ignored. You really need to tap into what you want and need, and what your boundaries should be to keep you safe, happy and healthy.

On a completely different point, 7 weeks away is a long time. Are you staying with or nearby family? Because being away from home for extended periods can upset the family dynamic and fray everyone's tempers too. It might be too much. And if it's to see family, then maybe those family members are feeding into the disrespect from your DDs.