Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

My point, however poorly stated, was that both the OP and her husband share equally in creating the toxic and probably traumatic experience that has characterized the home environment in which these young women have been reared.

Which means, simply put, that you believe a victim of abuse is equally as responsible for the abuse her children are suffering as the man that is actively abusing them. I cannot agree with that. We know how abusers work. We know that it is not ever as simple and just walking away, and we know there isn't a thing that a victim of abuse can do to change their abuser.

Asking them to put away their towels is not abusive. Smashing their phones is. Children overhearing an argument is unfortunate but not beyond the realms of normal. Actively involving them in the argument and telling them that 'mammy has a boyfriend' is abusive and manipulative.

Their behaviour is not the same, and Op is not responsible for his. Op is not 'equally' as complicit. He's an abusive shitbag. She is a woman with significant medical and mental health concerns who has no support, and has been put through hell by the people in her life historically, and now by her husband, and yet still is the only one to actually parent their children because he will not.

It's nothing to do with 'sisterhood'. Op cannot help her daughters while she is with him because the household is dominated by his behaviour. She cannot help them if she is the only one parenting them while he is 'fun' dad until he loses it, kicks off, and as a result they lash out at her because she is the 'safe' one. For them to be safe and happy, she needs to be safe and happy. Hopefully, individual therapy will help OP see that, and will help her leave him and forge a new, healthier life.

It is entirely possible to think that the behaviour of the DDs is completely disgusting, but also recognise that they are victims of abusive behaviour and what sounds like a toxic environment (which does not, in my mind, give them a free pass - they know what they're doing is wrong, but it does make it more understandable), while at the same time recognising that Op has been abused by her husband and his family and needs support, not a kicking when she's down and blaming for the fact her children are now emulating the abuse she's suffering already.

@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs unfortunately a victim of abuse can also be responsible for abuse of others. It's not OP's fault she has been emotionally abused by her husband

She did vaguely mention that her children see her as the person who moans a lot. She did say she gets "grumpy" (saying its because nobody helps her - fair enough). She may feel disrespected, her kids may feel she's taking out her frustration on them. It takes a lot more than second-hand opinion of the other parent or his family for kids to have this level of resentment towards their mother. It's not about the towels or kids being "spoiled".

Being spoiled means having everything handed to you - these kids didn't even have the basic security stuck between grumpy mother and father with violent temper.

And before someone goes off about teenagers having phones and meals cooked for them - most teenagers have these without the toxic environment to deal with, and those teenagers don't tell their mother they hate her.

@PaintedEgg You do make a good point. Children aren't stupid they would have realised that she had a choice to not take him back but she did. Her daughter's look up to her and instead of seeing strength they see weakness and that's why they disrespect her they don't mean it they are angry. You are their role model.

My father was a cross dresser while I was living at home. When he used to dress up my mum always dressed down. I hated my mother for putting up with it and I said some hurtful things to her out of anger.

I think there is also a lot to be said about daughters liking their dad more even though he sounds violent and absolutely not safe.

If most people had a choice between one parent who is somewhat absent and mostly "fun" when present, with occasional bursts of temper, and one that is always grumpy like a dark cloud that hangs above your head, they'd like the former more. Not because the former is a better parent, its just the one easier to deal with.

That's why abusers who solely focus on one person may be well liked by others - its easy to rationalise they're not the worst person. If the victim of the abuse also happen to be the person who causes you significant distress on daily basis - you're even more likely to accept this abuse as "fair".

These two girls can only "pick" lesser evil, the way they may see it that lesser evil is their dad. It's their mum who cheated, it's her issues that caused breakdown of the family and subsequent years of arguments, it's her who complains constantly and gets grumpy at them.

It's not fair and they may grow up and understand the nuances of the situation and how their mother was really a victim, but so were they by virtue of living in this household and being subjected to her grumpiness and their father anger.

@PaintedEgg has written a very long important post.

Oops…long doesn’t belong in my comment. Its just a great comment.

It is very true that abuse victims can also themselves be abusers. Nothing prohibits them from abusing others even as they themselves have been abused.

Adult paedophiles were often themselves victims of sexual abuse as children. That perhaps explains the behavior ,but it does not excuse the behavior.