Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

Yes that's definitely the issue here.

How about you remove both phones permanently and just do less? Make less effort. Give them each a hefty chores list. If they don't want to help out then they can do their own cooking laundry and get part time jobs to fund their clothes/make up/ social lives etc etc

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time.

Well, IMO, the answer lies in the past.

Something got this family to the point it's at today.

Why are you doing everything for your family? They will get spoilt and not respect you.

Could you share the nature of the bad patch you went through? Was it abusive behaviour from your DH towards you? I am glad things are better now, but what have the children witnessed between you two? How have they learned to treat you this way?

I think it's back to counselling. Family counselling and insist that everyone plays their part.

I think this is the issue here, you got back because you had too, not because you wanted too.

I think this is making you feel guilt and letting everyone walk right over you.

☝️

Right so you aren’t back with him because you live him and you worked through it then made the decision to get back together. You are back with him because it was easier. Not judging, just saying that’s different thing.

The girls parents split up, because mum (as far as they are concerned) had an affair. I know you say you didn’t, but no one here would believe a man who said he split his marriage up, met someone with a couple of days or weeks and was having them round the house so soon after a split. There would be special disdain for having them in martial home so quickly after kicking your spouse out. While I believe what you are saying, I can see how they and the wider family believe different.

You then had a break down (I am guessing because you have the type of husband that places recording devices and breaks peoples belongings) a couple of in patient stays and a consecutive diagnosis.

I am guessing the girls also have quite a bit of issues to work through regarding all this. It must have been a huge unsettling time. Plus their father seems awful. It’s easier to side with the awful parent out of fear sometimes. You have tried to make up for the turbulence by not expecting them to do anything. When you ask them to, their rage probably comes to the forefront. Wether it’s actually true or not, they clear see your ‘affair’ as the beginning of a very difficult period, which maybe continuing now.

I think you need counselling yourself. But they do to. Then you need to decide what to do about your marriage.

This is what I'm thinking.

Your kids had a dad. He should have stepped up so you could have the care you needed.

Sadly your kids aren't seeing your worth because you've not seen it.

But my god woman. You are worth so much. To come through all you've come through and still manage to put 4 family members ahead of yourself is amazing.

But it's time to put you first. Time to show your children you have worth and you won't allow them to treat you with disrespect because you are worth so much more

I think I’d book an Airbnb for a week somewhere not too far away and just go on your own. You need a break from them. They need a break from you and they need to see what it’s like to have to do everything themselves to be able to appreciate what you do for them. Don’t return until there’s a full and sincere apology. I’d maybe allow DS to come hang out when he wishes if his behaviour is better than the rest of them. Boundary has been broken and you need to be very firm that it won’t be tolerated unless you want a repeat.

You are being abused OP 😢

The person I met was never in my house.I was only seeing him for 6 weeks. I didn't even tell him my address. I met him two months after DH moved out and realised it was a mistake and finished it.

You were separated and recording you is stalking I can't believe you got back together with him. Sometimes in situations like these, you're better off apart he sounds creepy.

There would be zero apologies for the phone being broken from me - I would try to stop my husband apologising if I could.

Your husband lost control and broke a phone (nobody harmed) because the children were absolutely vile to their mum. My line would be they replace it from their savings or pocket money and when they said “but you broke it” say “yes and I’ll break it again if you ever speak to your mum that rudely”. All I want to ask to those that would be grovelling to seek the children’s forgiveness is how well behaved are your kids? The kids crossed the line so far they are coming back round again and a broken phone is nothing in comparison.

OP, I wanted to suggest councelling for you as you say you are grumpy and tired as a stay at home mum to school age children but your further post outlines the health problems you have suffered. You have done amazing to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take care of yourself and don’t let your children mistreat you - not least because it does them no favours anyway. Insist on being treated with respect, zero tolerance of such hateful behaviour. Put yourself first and take your son out to a place that you would like to go/go eat where you would like to go. Assuming your husband is there he can sort the girls day out.

This is where it all started.

I am so sorry you went through this. I know what a rough childhood can be like myself.

You were brought up to be the fixer, the responsible one, and you are still playing this role today.

You are used to being abused as you were abused growing up.

You must get counselling for yourself separately first and foremost. You need to work through all this to get some self-esteem.

Family counselling is still necessary, but you need to become stronger and have more self-esteem so that you go into it the right way.

This will all be hard work, but then what you are living is a nightmare anyway.

Think of your son, too. Children learn by what they see. I'm sure you don't want him to learn this is how women are supposed to be treated and then go on to threat women just like this.

Take their phones if they still have them broken or not.

Separate them in separate rooms if possible with no TV. Etc or they can be in the lounge - they will be doing jobs from now on - write a list. Meet with them one at a time - then full family meeting. Tell them how rude, ungrateful and sexist they are and how abusive their language towards you is.

it’s your holiday too

Only just seen this. He sounds totally abusive. A recording device in your home - parental alienation - good god - I’d walk out and go home alone and have some time on my own - book the first flight out of there and leave.

you have been abused by all of them -

This

i feel for you but stop being a doormat.

and why the hell did 7 and 5 year olds know their parents were having affairs? Your boundary setting is questionable.

I would come home with your son and leave them to it. Try and get a job and leave the horrid little madams to it. I’d cook for them but no more laundry.

When DH found out ( recording device)in my house

I don't think it's ok for him to secretly have a recording device in your home, especially as you'd split up @Villam

He sounds a grim person.

You would be fine if you left him I promise- he could still have the kids sometimes anyway.

I have a severe mental health disability (bipolar)- if I ever have any issues I contact my mental health team and they support me- it's fine.

You don’t need to justify yourself. I believe you didn’t have an affair. It doesn’t matter how long after it was.

I am saying that that’s how they perceive it and they obviously have a lot of trauma themselves.

when you said When DH found out ( recording device)in my house it all kicked of and I was accused of having an affair

you had the new man to the house. But honestly, the fact that there was a recording device should have stopped you getting back with him at all

Or she was talking to him on the phone.

Fucking he'll- your updates are terrifying.

Your girls don't respect you because nobody else respects you. They see you being abused by your husband and his family and are copying them.

Your husband has a cheek losing his temper and smashing a phone when he's abusive. He should have looked after the kids so you could recover in hospital and been reported to the police for recording you. If you're in England, the recording would be seen as coercive control. Terrifying that he moved back in and you didn't stop him. That's the opposite to the OP which gave the impression that you both agreed to forgive, forget and move on. That's not love and the kids know it deep down.

You are a doormat to everyone and it's not surprising that everyone knows this so takes advantage of you. Abusers have a radar for people like you and sadly take advantage.

I truly can't understand how anyone could read the updates and still think the daughters are the problem rather than the symptom and it'll all be solved by punishing them one way or another. It was obvious from the start, since kids simply don't act like that for no reason and a parent breaking a phone is a terrible sign. Now we know the reason.

I think you need to reconsider this marriage, OP. That's the clear problem here. Recording device in your house, dear Lord. And obviously a ton of help and therapy for yourself.

The kids are not the problem here. They very rarely are.

Your husband sounds appalling and so do his parents.

I don't have any words of advice, just hugs for you.

That sounds horrific.
@Villam book a hotel for 2 nights and go with your son and leave them to it.
It really sounds like you have a DH problem, as much as that is trotted out. You say you couldn’t have inpatient care as there was no one to look after your kids, their father! Bloody hell, that’s so wrong. If I needed to be hospitalised my DH would have taken leave from work to look after the kids, that is a normal response.

Yes that's definitely the issue here.

I'd say having an abusive father absolutely is the issue. The DDs are modelling behaviour they're seeing from their dad and his side of the family - treating Op like shit, calling her a slut, uncontrolled angry outbursts...

Giving them chores won't fix that.

I’ve also just read more about your DH, I really think that’s the cause of your problems and your daughters are copying how he treats you. Easier said than done, and you are in your own home abroad so easier than in a hotel, but just stop. Stop doing their washing and cooking etc and see how it goes for them.