Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

sorry but their little shits and if theyre hearing all this from their granparents they shouldnt have contact with them

you shold have sat them done ages ago and tell them to treat yo0u with respect

yo0ure nto doing any favours runing round after them

if i spoke to my parents like that i wouldnt have had anything let alone a bloody phone

A recording device. And you allowed him to return into the family home?

The degree of dysfunction in your relationship is mind boggling.

Your husband secretly recorded you in your home while you were broken up...?

@Villam you say that they side with their father, the one who screamed at them and broke their phone? Even if he won’t, the very first thing I’d do is talk to your DDs and say that their father was really wrong to do that, otherwise you are also siding with him. He was out of order, he was the reason that they shouted at you. And interesting that they said things to you, that perhaps they thought their father would have liked, right after he abused them. He abused them - they abused you.

If my dc called me those names they wouldn't have phones for a month.
Yor dd's are absolutely awful.
Start putting your needs first.

and then you willingly got back with him and allowed that to become a normal thing to have happened in your family?

@Villam
It sounds as though you need family counseling.Those girls were 5 and 7 when you guys separated and he hey seem to know far too many details about your external romantic involvements. Additionally, your husband's throwing things is not unacceptable or positive means of problem solving.

It is obvious that your daughters have little respect for you, but that probably stems from what they know or think that they know about the period of your separation.

You and your husband may have resolved your marital issues through counseling , but you seem to have lext family issues untouched.

@Villam 💐

What happens in your relationship is yours and DHs business. No one else’s. DDs need to mind their business and not get involved. If they feel they can be involved perhaps they’re unsettled, that’s far too much for them to think they can have an opinion or say on and that can be overwhelming.
why are they unhappy all the time, I would want to get to the bottom of this, and I’d also work on their self esteem and confidence, they need to be able to do things for themselves.
next, in laws. If my parents were horrible to DH, I wouldn’t see them. DH is showing your DDs that you and he are not a United front. Anyone can treat you how they want and that’s ok by him.
Since you separated because you felt taken for granted, I imagine your DDs take you for granted and have seen DH do the same.

it feels like you’re still justifying that relationship too, you were separated and went on a handful of dates, as did DH. No way would i have any guilt or shame about that. You need to stick up for yourself Op, no one gets to push you around and treat you like crap.
id debate calling the holiday off and heading home if you can. Sharp shock for everyone.
alternatively leave them to it for the next few days, stop cooking and cleaning, stop doing things for other people, do what you want for you, take this as your breather to plot.
then when you get back everything changes. What will you do. How will you create change. How will you make sure you are this through and don’t back down. What is your line in the sand. How are you going to work on your own confidence and self esteem.
They are behaving unacceptably, and you do not deserve to be treated this way by your DDs or your DH.

To me, it sounds like your husband is a complete dickhead with horrible parents- a listening device? It just sounds so messed up all this.

I don’t think you have done much wrong to be honest here but you would have probably done much better in life had you stuck to your guns. He moved back in and then started seeing someone else ? That’s just crazy. Why did you put up with that?

Your girls sound like they are cut from the same cloth as him sadly so I would be detaching over time and let them all get on with it. You need to protect your son from all this shit.

I feel for you to be honest. You probably made the wrong choice of husband and your life has become this. None of those health issues would have happened if it wasn’t so fucked up.

The more I read this, the more it looks like the DH is the heart of the problem.

Your DH was out of order with you OP, and has now been aggressive to your DDs and destroyed their phone.

So you were being oppressed and now your DDs are the ‘bad guys’.

You seriously want to side with your DH and make your DDs the bad ones here? Their father was aggressive and abusive to them.

Your DDs called you names that were nothing to do with their own feelings about you, but everything to do with their father’s feelings. They probably have a lot of issues about their father and are ‘chaotically attached’ to him - as in they seem to please him by putting you down.

Break this - don’t fall into the trap of distancing yourself from your DDs. You are all being negatively affected by your DH, stick together and unite.

It's a bit much to expect teenagers to respect you when they've grown up seeing their father disrespect you, and his whole family disrespect you, while you just take it and martyr yourself.

sorry missed your update i th8ink yo0u have a dysfucntional marriage-you need to get some help

I'm so sorry OP 😞. It seems your husband doesn't support you, let's you do all the work and effectively doesn't parent them. So he goes and smashes a phone and then let's you get all the abuse. He also doesn't side with you and let's his family abuse you and exclude you. A proper spouse would have firm words and enforce repercussions to his parents e.g. no visiting until full apology and acceptance of you.

I am wondering in what way your relationship has supposedly improved because it looks disfunctional and abusive. Was he physically abusive or absent a lot and now he doesn't hit you anymore or is not absent but still ineffectual and useless?

Yes and about a year later I had a breakdown. I got back with him because I didn't know what else to do. I had nobody to turn to for help.

You’re worn down op, and the answer to this situation is simple to say but hard to put in place: boundaries.

Even in a stable family environment the transition from child to adolescent is hard because we go from doing everything for the helpless things, and putting their needs before ours. Children crawl away, toddle away, leave us to go to school etc and it’s bitter sweet but when they become teens we have to start to reassert our boundaries and do some of the moving away too. It’s not easy. But it’s important.

Your natural rhythms are upset by all these things that have happened. And your judgement is off kilter too. The way back is to learn to value yourself. To be able to stand in your space and know that you have the right to expect help, to be treated with respect. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to screw up and make mistakes. The more you can build that strength and belief in yourself, the less chaotic everything will be. Because all decisions then come from that place.

We start by acting as if. Ask yourself “if I truly valued myself what would I do?” Guilt will rear its ugly head and ignore it because it’s the most useless destructive emotion. Just keep asking that question until there’s no longer an if.

They are all treating you badly. I think you need to put in some firm boundaries. It is not acceptable for your dd to be calling you any names, never mind the ones they’ve called you.
Personally, I would be staying a bit longer after everyone else has gone home in 15 days time. Have some time to yourself and if they still carry on, they I would look at leaving. You deserve so much better.
I feel like quoting Ross and Rachel - we were on a break! I think your dh should also be saying to your dd’s that he met someone too, so the blame does not lie at your door alone.
It all sounds hideously toxic though. Sorry.

Oh, OP. Huge hug and handhold. I have similar issues to yours, and I absolutely understand how awful you must be feeling. Can I offer some advice. Put yourself first for one, book a flight and go home. Alone. Make it clear to ALL your family that you will not tolerate being treated that way. Take some time out for yourself to calm your nervous system and seek proper support. Have you checked out Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube. I think you'd find her enormously helpful.

So your dh also saw someone else?

Your dds need to understand that your relationship with their dad is entirely separate from their relationship with them and has nothing to do with them. If he’s happy being back with you, they need to butt out. I’d say it’s clearly his family that has said this to them and they’re just repeating it.

You need to start changing this today. Spend the day out with your husband and son, including dinner. Leave the dds at home to sulk. Your husband needs to be seen to be supporting you. Repeat tomorrow etc until you get an apology. Start looking at boarding schools and let them know that you are. They need to realize that you are seriously angry and they need to understand the impact of their behavior.

Wow, sounds like there's a lot going on here that needs time to unpick.

Teenagers are often absolutely horrendous: rude, ungrateful, lazy etc. It's their brain developing. The primary carer tends to bare the brunt of this and some of it is inevitable. But they still need firm boundaries and I don't think any parent should accept being called a slut or a c---.

Some of this behaviour likely stems from the fact they don't see you as "person" with your own interests and emotions. To them, you're there simply to serve them. You'd do well to look for more opportunities outside the home - whether that's paid work, volunteering or just pursuing your hobbies and interests. Teenagers do not need a stay-at-home parent. This will also help you and your husband to set out firm expectations of what you expect your kids to do as you'll no longer have time. At their age they definitely should be helping out (regardless of whether you're a SAHM or not), for example: putting laundry away, hoovering, loading/unloading the dishwasher, picking up after themselves. Doing all of this for them will do them no favours at all.

You also need to ensure your husband backs you 100pc in this and acts as "bad cop" where necessary - if they listen to him more. It will not work if it's just you laying down the rules.

I also think your whole family needs some therapy. Your husband responding to the situation by breaking her phone isn't acceptable and suggests he might struggle to deal with conflict and high-stress situations in a calm manner. I'm also shocked that his father - your children's grandfather - called you a slut in public without repercussions for him (e.g. your husband demanding an apology and going NC until he does).

Your children need to see you and your husband as a team; the fact you split up for a time when they were small will have eroded that image and it looks like little has been done since you reconciled to try to repair that damage.

Meanwhile, for the remainder of the holiday, don't pick up your daughers' wet towels or dirty clothes or wait on them hand and foot. They'll soon learn that having a soggy pool towel is horrible and they'll either have to suck it up or learn to pick up after themselves. Try to spend some quality time with your son and ask your husband to supervise the girls. Most of all, make sure you do whatever is necessary to preserve your sanity til you get home and can rapidly put a plan of action into place.

Wow @Villam I am sorry you are going through this, I think the first step is to not take anymore shit or guilt from the situation. Honestly, I would take a week break from everyone and do you.

No one is perfect but the constant blame you are getting is ridiculous, you both had relationships and this is nothing to do with your children / inlaws.

If my children talked to me like that, I would slap them so hard Google wouldn't be able to find them. ( obviously you won't do that - but them treating you like shit isn't an option you need to be firm).

Maybe if you were happier - you would be more confident and assertive, so please start putting yourself first while you overcome some of your past trauma.

You need to take back control here OP and reestablish appropriate roles within your family.
Your marital issues are between you and your husband. You DDs have no entitlement to voice their opinions on that, and I would be making that chrystal clear. They may think what they please, but they are not entitled to abuse and insult you. Please don't let any residual guilt or regret cloud your judgement here. You can't undo the past and shouldn't let it be a reason to tolerate inappropriate behaviour. It does your DDs no favours.
It sounds to me like you have no agreed structure for expectations and sanctions with your DH that enable situations to be managed, and as a result things hit boiling point and your DH reacts in temper.
Sit down with your DH and together agree the behaviour you expect from DDs. Then agree appropriate sanctions if this isn't forthcoming (loss of treats, priveleges, you don't do it for them etc) Tell DDs how it will be going forward. Then keep consistently implementing what you've agreed with a united front.

Pretty much what I was thinking, although not feeding them or providing food might be considered abusive.

But definitely stop doing their washing, ferrying them about etc. Basically cover their basic needs for food and shelter and leave it at that.

But I think there should be sanctions for bad behaviour, eg restrict their internet/phone use. It's a shame PAYG phones are no longer a thing, parents were able to just stop topping them up.

However, it's worth bearing in mind that a lot of this may be part of the hormone horrors of puberty, and that they may well be different people in a year or two, if you can just get through this.

My friend had 2 girls, 2.5 years apart, and just when the eldest was coming out of this phase, the younger entered it. They were hellish, not just to their parents but to each other as well (D2 actually threatened D1 with a carving knife!). Said friend was also menopausal, so their house was awash with raging hormones for a while.

Family counselling/therapy sounds like a good plan though.

Id leave them all to it and go home. You were very brave to consider a 7 week holiday with teens in the first place, nevermind disrespectful teens.