Daughters called me a Slut and C***

[Villam]

Nc for this.

I'm absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. Two DDs aged 13 and 15. Currently on holidays abroad , 7 weeks in total and they have mostly been nightmares. They haven't lifted a finger, constantly harassing their younger brother. I've cooked, cleaned,shopped brought them to places they want to visit and it's never enough.

Came to a head last night when I asked my DD13 to pick her wet towel up of the floor. I then asked DD15 to pick her soaking wet clothes up from the bathroom floor. I was met with a torrent of abuse. DH heard what was going on and took my side and was telling them of. DD15 started screaming at him so he took her phone and in a moment of rage threw it and broke it.

I then got the backlash from our DDs where I was called awful names. They hate me, I'm a crap mother, nobody likes me etc. I was in shock at the pure venom that spewed from them.

I'm a SAHM with no help whatsoever from family. I can get quite grumpy because I'm tired a lot. I do everything for them. I'm the first to be there if they have any problems. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing as when I ask for help from them it's a big argument. I don't know what to do.

So as not to drip feed DH and I went through a bad patch eight years ago and we both saw other people during this time. DH family were not happy about this so they basically don't talk to me now. My two DDs are aware of what went on during this time. They hold me fully responsible hence calling me a slut.

Myself and DH worked through everything, counseling etc and are in a good place now. I've arranged counselling numerous times for DD15 at her request but when the time comes she backs put.

Please help me. I don't know how to fix things. How have I fucked up my DDs so much?

I realise this is probably terrible parenting advise

Yes, it is. Diabolical. The very idea of "biting back" and "giving a taste of their own medicine" from a parent to their children. Parenting isn't about vengeance, ffs.

But as per usual, the thread is full of people thinking the adults in the situation are clearly fine and dandy and it's just the children who are broken for no reason. Hence people justifying breaking phones and delivering long nasty diatribes designed to hurt the kids as much as possible while completely oversharing about the marriage, and then still turning around and complaining that the children are such arseholes who haven't learned to deal with conflict and tension, and think there's no reason for it.

Why do so many people expect their teenagers to display more emotional maturity and self control than they themselves do? How do you think the kids learned to "bite back" etc etc?

Who are the adults?

God some of the advice here is horrible! Get into therapy ALONE to see if you sctually want to stay in this family. If you do then get family therapy with your dh to learn how to be better parents.

Its obvious he also treats you like a skivvy or the girls wouldn’t treat you this way. He got angry and broke the phone not in support of you but because the girls reminded him of the core failure of his marriage and ruined the facade of the happy family.

this won’t be fixed overnight but for sure it won’t change through sporadic assertions of male aggression and maternal pleading. Go back to work, become independent, and reevaluate from there.

DrSbaitso for the win! That is what I meant to say!

Shocking! The most shocking thing about this post obviously!

Take care of yourself OP and concentrate on getting a job when you get back home.
Unfortunately, none of the advice that I can give you would fall under the parameters of " suitable parenting" as according to many Mumsnetters. For example: I don't think that your daughter's phone being destroyed by her father was wrong. What was wrong is that he didn't destroy the other one's phone.
I'm not down with the " a trusted parent is one who is a safe space for their children to practice being abusive" parenting theory as subscribed to by many Mumsnetters, either. That just sounds like a martyr version of ' familiarity breeds contempt".
You have a lot of " reeling in" to do with your whole family when you get home, including your husband ( why hasn't he sorted his people's post initial break up attitude towards you?). And if your daughter's keep up their abuse, let them go and love with your abusive in laws...they're your daughters' blood kin after all.
But what you don't do is allow yourself to be the family beating stick that you currently are. "Slut" and "cunt" shouldn't be in any child's vocabulary to call their mother who hasn't stolen a boyfriend from them, isn't a prostitute who neglects them, hasn't got a trailer load of " uncles" coming in and out the yard who mother pays more attention to than her parenting responsibilities.
I wouldn't tolerate the misogyny where your daughters have a whore/ Madonna complex about you, and fuck all to say about their father .
Anything you do should be to disabuse your daughters of the notion that they can continue doing as they are, or thinking that they had justification to do it. It's a cold world out here and if their buds aren't nipped in how they deal with being asked to do something that they do not want to, a phone being broken will be the least of their worries. Nobody outside of one's parents is obligated to give a fuck and unfortunately, too many parents are not growing their children to know or recognise this fact.

The breaking and throwing of the phone is actually abuse - I can’t believe people are not seeing this. They left their towels on the floor and OPs DH shouted at them and threw their phone and broke it. The adults became aggressive and violent, the children, DDs said horrible things but only after they were attacked with both parents losing it with them.

Tell them you'd split up and we're perfectly entitled to see other people, tell them that their dad agreed as he also had another relationship. Be sure to add that men and women can do and sleep with who they wish and it does not make them sluts, the sexes have equality on this and you being a woman makes absolutely no difference.

Then really start oarenting. Stop fanny arsing around and waiting on them. Make them independent women who understand that isn't how the world works. Step back and make them responsible for their actions re doing things for themselves and their behaviour.

You've made yourself a doormat and do they treat you like one.

Make sure your DH is on board and reiterates that he was fine with you having another relationship as he also had one. Tell them there'll be hell to pay if you ever hear those words cross their lips again.

Then get your DH to address it with his family. You can't go on like this. You deserve support from your husband and an apology from his family.

They need to start earning money, including for their phone usage. They are unappreciative and downright rude. You also need to take control of the narrative on the blip in your marriage. I think you should both sit them down, explain that your marriage went through a stressed patch. You both behaved in exactly the same way - by seeking a solution outside of your marriage. You both discovered it was not the answer. You worked through your marriage problems together snd you are now in a strong place. The word slut is misogynistic and, as girls, they need to understand that such words (which only exist for the female sex) are abhorrent. You never want to hear them speak of any woman that way again. There will need to be consequences. Their behaviour is disgusting.

Is that all you can focus on?

They don't deserve phones at all.

Agree with this.

@HoldOnMiGenna but you can’t tell a child to apologise for being verbally abusive (which they were) if you as the adults were verbally and physically abusive and apparently that was ‘justified’.

How would you react if a colleague at work, cross about your work, shouted at you and threw your phone and broke it? It doesn’t matter if you werent’ doing your job well, or you were being lazy, your colleague should never cross that line. And how would you then feel, if after being shouted at and had your phone broke, the boss called you in and berated you for shouting back at your colleague, but said that he was justified in shouting at you?

Exactly. Rewind here and think about what the hell is going on. The teenage daughters didn't come up with this idea out of nowhere, and we know that the DH's family 'don't speak' to the OP due to her seeing other people during a separation eight years ago. But apparently their son can do what the fuck he likes, including allowing his family to treat the OP like shit.

How dare he be angry with his daughters when they are only picking up on, and echoing, a narrative he has allowed to fester.

I think you are doing far too much for capable girls. They are at an age now where they should be learning to be self sufficient. So if they won’t move their towels, move them for them. I to their bedroom and then they can put them in the wash basket etc. stop doing so much.
my kids did their own washing at that age. They weee cooking odd bits and pieces for themselves.
bit strange that you both had an affair but it’s just you that DH don’t speak speak. It was ok for him was it?
do something for yourself, maybe get a little job so you can earn a few pennies to treat yourself. You deserve it. x

I'd go back to work and then do only my own chores in the house; own washing, cooking etc. or for your son if he's very young. I'd leave the girls to it from now on.

Thanks everyone. I take responsibility for their behaviour and I am parenting out of guilt. I'm a SAHM now because I had a "standing breakdown " about seven years ago. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, complex PTSD and depression. It was a culmination of childhood abdonment, childhood sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse from my mother, the aftermath of my relationship when myself and DH separated and illness that left me in high dependancy twice in the space of two years.I am medically retired and will never work again.

Even after my breakdown and illness I still got no help from my family or my inlaws. The psychiatric team wanted me to be an in patient but I had nobody to help to mind the kids. I had a community nurse visit me everyday for a year instead. During this time I still did school runs,play dates, cooking,cleaning. I've never had a chance to look after myself.

I have very little contact with his PIL. A quick hello when I see them. I don't go to any family events on DHs side.

We have a home abroad so that's why we are here for 7 weeks. My two DDs had the option of staying at home and coming out when my DH did but they wanted to come for 7 weeks.

My in laws basically told everyone what went on in our marriage and unfortunately over the years the kids have witnessed myself and DH arguing about the time we spent apart and what each of is did.

No matter what the 15 year old will always side with her father. He is the fun parent, I'm the grump who nags and moans.

Thanks.

And all the people who think a grown man breaking someone's phone isn't worse than a teenager having a strop, in fact she made him do it. And can't can't how he might have raised daughters who strop.

Unbelievable how accepting and encouraging people are of abuse when it's happening to teenagers.

Being a SAHM, justifying this by effectively becoming a maid won't have helped. If you were working, even part time you'd have made sure your kids picked up wet towels.

Re set your boundaries, your kids are old enough to help take care of their home.

Sounds as if they take after their father......

A lot going on here.

Firstly teenagers are terrible, but that does not excuse their behaviour.

I notice you obscured incidents a few times. “went through a bad patch” was you started seeing someone else, then he did. I not you don’t say if this was an affair or if you had separated first. Did it result in you separating and your husband seeing someone else, or if he had a revenge affair?

The reason this matters is evading the reality may be causing you to be avoiding the matter but then reacting based upon guilt. If it was a separation, telling the kids that parents separated but got past it and they should not be misrepresenting that situation. If it was an affair, making it clear you take responsibility and you have worked it out with their dad so that is the matter resolved.

The “breaking the phone.” Was this intentional or careless? Was it some kind of punishment or an accident when people were over emotional?

You need to stop picking up after them. At 13 a child should be able to do their own laundry and cook for themselves occasionally. If they are dumping things in communal areas it should be dumped back in their rooms. You should be there for them emotionally but they need to grow up with day to day tasks.

If they are behaving like slobs and screaming abuse at you there should be consequences. Remove the phones, if it is such an issue.

You could do with getting activity out of the home to give you a pallet cleanser. A job or volunteering whatever works.

You had a breakdown and your DH didn’t step up child care so you could go inpatient which was required? You know but can’t accept or act upon the fact that you are horribly unhappy and he is abusive. I am really sorry that you have essentially been given palliative care instead of real support to rebuild your life after your childhood experiences. Please try to prioritize yourself.

You would hit them?

OP, there's a lot going on in your family

Family therapy might be better than counselling, perhaps?

You haven't fucked them up.
They're normal, disrespectful, stroppy teens.
The issue here is you - but not the way you think it is.
Now...
Three deep breaths
Drop every preconception/understanding you have of yourself.
Drop the guilt.
You are good, you are right, and you don't need to accept this shit from them.

Therapy/counselling - yes, for you. To bolster your self-esteem. It's a slow process.

Whether your dds need therapy, I don't know. You might find that when you're sure you're the grown up, they settle a little. But not too much because they're very much like others of their age!

You are an adult. Children (or other adults) don't get to tell you how to behave. If the slut issue is brought up again, try 'I'm an adult. You know nothing about adult sexuality. Be quiet until you know, and even then, speak respectfully.' Or any suitably dismissive and deeply calm phrase. They can't win with you. You're their mum, they came out of your chuff. Stop apologising.

I initiated the separation and DH moved into his parents. I was just so sick and tired of being taken for granted. I met somebody unexpectedly after my first night out in years. I wasn't in the right head space at all and it was a mistake. I was looking for some attention and for somebody to talk to. When DH found out ( recording device)in my house it all kicked of and I was accused of having an affair. This story has stuck. He moved back home,I never stopped him and he began a relationship. I only seen the other guy a handful of times over 6 weeks. He was never in my home or near my home and definitely never around my children.

@StopStartStop , yes i have no confidence or self esteem whatsoever.