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Original poster

Husband generous with *my* money

247 replies

mintcalipo · 16/08/2023 23:49

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

OP posts:
calmcoco · 16/08/2023 23:51

You're not out of order, spending should be agreed.

You need a proper chat.

Thelonelygiraffe · 16/08/2023 23:54

He sounds like he's living in fantasyland.

You need a serious talk with him.

ThePoint678 · 16/08/2023 23:56

I’d be pissed.

lissyt · 16/08/2023 23:59

He's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really his money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how it's spent. If you talk to him and he gets funny about it then I personally would stop him having the money. He's not contributing to the household so tough sh!t.

Fishhhh · 17/08/2023 00:00

when he offers to pay for their meal next time state ‘don’t be silly DH, you don’t have any cash to pay for other people’s meals’

DelphiniumBlue · 17/08/2023 00:00

I'd be furious. You need a long talk, about savings, joint accounts, how long this is going to last for...did you actually agree to support him? Not saying that even if you did, you need to cough up for his family, but that there needs to be clarity and pre- agreed spending limits. Personally I think he's being a CF, particularly if he's got savings that he's not using to contribute to the household.
Start by insisting that he refunds that money to you pronto, as he promised!

PaminaMozart · 17/08/2023 00:06

If his 'start up' hasn't brought in any money after 2 years, could it more accurately be described as a hobby?

Original poster
mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 00:06

Thanks all.

One of the main issues is that he is just such a kind, generous person to all he meets -not just money wise, and it's in his nature to be the first to offer to pay. I get so upset that he doesn't see how it's impacting me, and he says he feels like he has no say in his spending if I'm telling him what he can and can't spend.

Most of all I'm just sick and tired of holding up a household on one salary for so long

OP posts:
FreeRider · 17/08/2023 00:11

My boyfriend of 14 years used to be like this, but not with my money (I have none) but with my possessions. I used to be a reviewer for a well-known website and as a result used to receive a lot of electronic products...some I'd get to keep, some would have to be returned. This used to be just a hobby of sorts before I met my boyfriend, as I also had a good full-time job...so a lot of the time I'd end up giving the stuff away to friends, family etc. Just before we started dating I was made redundant from the full-time job, so I started selling the stuff...it was my main source of income for a good couple of years.

The problem was, because he knew I'd given stuff away in the past, every time a friend of his .... or even just a work colleague, acquaintance etc mentioned they needed a new mobile phone for example, he jump straight to offering to give them my stuff! The worst was when he nearly gave away a brand new item that I was relying on the sale of to pay my council tax bill for the year...caused me and the person he was offering it to a lot of embarrassment because I had to jump in and say I wasn't able to give it away.... I ended up telling him (in quite strong words) that I was fed up with him thinking he could give away my possessions and that in future he could give away his own stuff first!

So yeah, I completely relate. It's good manners to ask - or wait for you to do the offering - first.

RantyAnty · 17/08/2023 00:13

Has he ever worked and why was it ok to have a start up with small children?

Codlingmoths · 17/08/2023 00:15

YANBU. It would be fun to be all generous and caring with no responsibility, but you have a LOT of responsibility. Sit him down and say he feels restricted does he? You’ve been supporting him for 2 years and your wants and needs are coming last here while you drown under the pressure. You don’t want a penny more of savings spent and will have to consider more permanent separation if he can’t start contributing since he doesn’t seem able to stop spending .

Window82 · 17/08/2023 00:21

What sort of start up is it where he’s made no money in two years? I have a start up and we turned a profit on year 1 and at a minimum paid ourselves our tax free allowance and additional dividends on top with no external investment.

he needs to get a job. Lazy git.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

TyneTeas · 17/08/2023 00:28

Even at best he is being generous with household money that both parties have not explicitly agreed to in advance

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/08/2023 00:30

One of the main issues is that he is just such a kind, generous person to all he meets -not just money wise, and it's in his nature to be the first to offer to pay

Yes - with YOUR money.

he says he feels like he has no say in his spending if I'm telling him what he can and can't spend

Then he needs to start bringing some money in to be generous with.

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2023 00:33

I wouldn’t put any money in a joint anything frankly.

he’s not bringing any joint money in is he?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/08/2023 00:33

Not that kind and generous to you, is he? he pays for everyone else with your money and never refunds you out of these savings he's supposed to have. Then when you ask him not to he guilt trips you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:33

lissyt · 16/08/2023 23:59

He's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really his money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how it's spent. If you talk to him and he gets funny about it then I personally would stop him having the money. He's not contributing to the household so tough sh!t.

"She's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really her money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how its spent. If you talk to her and she gets funny about it then I personally would her having the money. She is not contributing to the household so tough shit"

I wonder what the reaction would be ......

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:34

Meant to add.....because that is, in the OP's current circumstance, financial abuse.

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2023 00:38

Time to have a chat.
He needs to get a part time job at least.
I couldn't imagine expecting my partner to pay for my mums birthday present.

Tbh...2 years is 1 year too long for him not to be bringing anything in. I think its time to scrap the start up. It's not viable. He has kids to think of.

LifeExperience · 17/08/2023 00:38

If he hasn't started to turn a profit in two years, he may have a hobby, not a business. He needs to get a job especially if he's a spendthrift.

Anotherparkingthread · 17/08/2023 01:22

My business took over two years before it turned a profit, however we accepted that as it was on the projection/plan from the start.
What type of business is it op? Is he building it by reinvesting what it makes into the business or, like mine, will it pay out very well all at once? If neither then I agree it may not be a viable business and you should discuss him going back to work, at least part time.

Don't agree with the comments 'cut him off' or suggesting humiliating him in front of his family when he says he will pay for dinnerm by reminding him its not his money in front of everybody. If a man did that to a woman on here there would be uproar and financial abuse shouted from the rooftops. If you feel its okay to degrade your partner like that then you don't deserve anybody at all frankly.

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 01:36

Don't agree with the comments 'cut him off' or suggesting humiliating him in front of his family when he says he will pay for dinnerm by reminding him its not his money in front of everybody. If a man did that to a woman on here there would be uproar and financial abuse shouted from the rooftops. If you feel its okay to degrade your partner like that then you don't deserve anybody at all frankly.

Couldnt agree more.

Funny how the MN trope of "all money is family money" when the woman isnt bringing anything to the table in hard cash, but when its a man in the same situation then "cut him off". There is no suggestion in the OP's post that he isnt pulling his weight with the kids or doing his share keeping the plates in the air.

How many women start their own businesses after having kids? Every sodding childminder in the country for a start! @MNHQ too! Should they have been cut off financially until they started to pull in a profit?

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 01:38

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

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