Husband generous with *my* money

[mintcalipo]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

No you are not being unreasonable. Often one person in a relationship will earn more and the other less. That means that one is contributing more to the family than the other, so there needs to be an agreement as to how money is spent. No profit from a start up after two years though suggests to me that he is either not doing it well or is doing something that there is just no market for!

This!

I can see why this is really frustrating - I do think as a couple though your finances are shared and there could be a way that feels fairer to you. I’m on maternity leave at the moment so I’m paying the £650ish I get a month to him and then he is paying all of our bills etc but we both have some spending money allocated to us which is up to us how we spend. Perhaps limiting joint account to just bills and household expenses and then giving each of you a “fun fund” would feel fairer because then if he wants to use his fun fund on buying the entire meal out or an expensive gift for his mum then that’s up to him. I suspect as his fun fund dwindled he might be less inclined. Obviously my situation is temporary and I’ll be back at work soon but that works well for us where there’s an imbalance.

That said, no profit after two years does beg some questions about whether it will ever turn a profit. I think that’s a separate chat you need to have about how long you are willing and able to be the sole earner.

SAHM is work though - by staying at home you are making a saving on nursery costs. OP’s children are in nursery.

Have you spoken to him about this? Perhaps it's time for his start up business to be on the back burner and him to find a real job.

Although I do feel a bit like if the roles were reversed people would be saying you can't complain about spending joint money as it's financial abuse.

I’ve just joined after lots of lurking just to post this.

There are lots of things being thrown around by people that are missing the key point.

In a marriage, things are supposed to be shared equally. That’s responsibility as well as money.

SAHPs do not receive a salary but also can’t
earn one because they are providing the childcare (which does have a tangible financial value) to allow the other person to carry on in their career. Restricting their access to money would be financial abuse because they are otherwise incapable of supporting themselves.

The key thing here is that NOTHING says that you must or should slave away to earn money for your spouse to fritter away. You know this already deep down I’m sure.

at some point there must have been a conversation about how this startup would work financially and practically - revisit it and talk TO YOUR HUSBAND.

This isn’t financial abuse, it’s a difference of opinion and you need to regroup and re-set the boundaries and go from there.

My husband wouldn’t give two hoots if I quit work tomorrow, spent my days at a spa, got myself personal training daily and paid for lunch for anyone I wanted to. He genuinely could not care less if I work or not - he would love me not to actually because he thinks it would be a lovely life for me and he’s happy to provide that. But if he would not be happy for me to swan around and spend the money he earns on whatever I please, that’s something I would need to know before deciding to quit work. And if his views changed, again we would need to talk about it and my options would be rein it in, or get a job to fund the spending I want to do. It’s not complex, it’s just being respectful.

FWIW my views are completely different. I don’t want to not work, I enjoy it, I love having spare money to go away lots and just have great fun. I believe in living within my own means and us jointly building a life together that we both contributed to.

You need to talk to your husband about where your views lie.

It is not acceptable to be generous with someone else’s money.
I appreciate that many couples do have a joint bank account but then it is expected that they contribute to the household jointly? Not necessarily in monetary terms but in effort. I wonder, does he do this?
I think a big conversation about fairness and boundaries is necessary here.

Stop taking cards and only carry cash, then you can genuinely say I don't have enough as he's clearly not interested in remembering what you say.
Reading as an outsider though that really does come across as someone that's happy to use you. Consider what may happen in future. That level of selfishness is a red flag .

My partner and I have a joint account but we only pay into it what we need to in order to cover the monthly household expenses. It’s not there for any fun stuff or gifts, those costs come out of our individual accounts. It might be worth you looking at how you both use the joint account as it seems like your DH can spend what he wants from there on the caveat that you’ll just topping it up!

Two years is a long time for a start up not to be making any profit.
Is it really a start up or just a vanity project?
He's selfish and taking advantage of your generosity and I would question when he actually intends to contribute financially to your family, if at all.

What is clear that lots of people have no clue about business. https://fleximize.com/articles/001494/when-will-your-startup-start-making-a-profit#:~:text=The%20majority%20of%20businesses%2C%20on,metric%20you%20should%20focus%20on.

In would have thought it was all family money

And the decision on how long the family can allow one person to focus on this startup without turning a profit is a decision for the family, unless the startup owner is paying their expenses the whole time from other income or personal savings.

Dump him. Everyone needs to be financially independent. No excuses.

Why is he going out with a startup? He should be working literally all day and night.

IMO SAHMs need to have a plan for how they will contribute 50% as well in fairly short order.

What does this mysterious "start up" actually contribute if no profit is being made after 2 years? Do you think there is any hope for it coming into profit or is it just a pipe-dream?

Surely your DH can diversify by taking on some form of paid employment to supplement the family income.

Give up on the joint account! Have an account for bills, an account for your savings or spending and transfer a proportion to your husband each month and that way its his to spend how he wishes but he'll soon realise that he'll need to budget and think twice about his spending. Until his start up business is done, then it's the only fair solution.

Sorry if I'm repeating what others have said, but if you're married then all income is joint income and all savings are joint savings. He shouldn't be keeping his own 'savings' money whilst not contributing to the household, and you shouldn't see your income as your money.

Having said all that, I still don't like what he's doing, because it's jointly owned money, so you should agree before any significant purchases or generous offers to friends. I wouldn't dream of offering to pay for everyone's else's meal without a quick whisper to DH to say that's what I'd like to do, and he'd do the same to me.

His Startup will never succeed if he has this attitude to money.

It's your own fault. What do you want people to say? You could have 500 people saying he's out of order, makes no difference if you're putting up with a scrounger.

I'm self-employed, have been since DCs were very young. Right up until they were finished with college, whenever things got a bit slow I picked up agency and contract work in between so I could have the lifestyle I wanted for me and DCs.
I didn't just sit on my backside expecting somebody else to support me. & before becoming self-employed I worked full-time & sometimes had 2 jobs. So whats wrong with your delicate flower of a husband?

I bet your husband has a 'hobby business' and he can do that because you're indulging and subbing him. It doesn't do to buy and upkeep a man. As you see, he'll disrespect you and play the big 'I Am' on your money.

I bet if you ever try to leave him he'll aim to take you for all you've got. He's zero self-respect, and none for you either.

No I don't think you're being unreasonable. If he isn't earning towards the household he needs to be consulting you on what gets spent and where and when.