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Original poster

Husband generous with *my* money

247 replies

mintcalipo · 16/08/2023 23:49

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

OP posts:
Zeppel · 17/08/2023 03:16

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

Exactly. I'm quite surprised by the responses. Surely it's joint money.

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 03:19

@Zeppel

He's not a SAHP.

It's a completely different set of circumstances.

SnobblyBobbly · 17/08/2023 03:30

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

This is so true. When I was a SAHM - which we'd both agreed would be the case for a few years - I'd have been heartbroken if as a pp suggested my DH said 'Don't be silly Snobbly, YOU have no cash to pay for dinner' in front of people at the end of a meal. That's just bloody humiliating and if posted on here as being said by a man to his wife there'd be uproar.

Have a conversation about larger outgoings so they're agreed ahead of time.

RantyAnty · 17/08/2023 03:32

How much of the cooking ,cleaning, laundry, drop off, picks is he doing?

Frozensun · 17/08/2023 03:49

I had the same situation. I didn’t care how much was spent generally, but had a real problem with a number of instances where my partner jumped up and paid for a whole group’s meals - with no discussion at all. One was a group of 10, and we only knew 2 of the group. Others were with friends of mine. It was a case of the announcement to all - don’t worry I’ve already paid for you all (with expectations of everyone showing strong gratitude). It created embarrassment from my friends (as I was no longer working but getting a pension) and members of the other group still looked through us - as we were not in their social milieu. I couldn’t undo the action once it had already been done - the cost was many of hundreds.
And this was money that should have gone to household expenses and/or savings for our use. I ended up instructing each time before we went out that this was not to happen - or I would start putting the income in a separate account and transfer money across for expenses. The behaviour stopped pretty quickly

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/08/2023 04:26

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

^This is excellent advice. I agree with this and the other posts from @PyongyangKipperbang.

We're all extremely quick to describe a man's earnings as "family or household money" when the female partner is a SAHM or only working P/T, so it needs to work in reverse too.

There are two separate issues here.

The first is how you view the money OP. You're married and he's trying to set up a business - t's not "your" money even though you earned it. It's the family money, and it is reasonable that you both have access to it. Setting up a structure like Pyongyang describes would be perfect. Dictating to your spouse about how the household money is allowed to be spent, or insisting you always get a final decision is financially abusive.

The second issue is whether his start-up is viable? After two years and no money coming in, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate. You say you are sick of holding up the house on one salary, so a conversation needs to be had about how and when he'll be able to meaningfully contribute. And that mean accepting that the business is a non-starter, and him looking for an employed position.

Don't conflate these two issues. They are linked but they're not one and the same thing. On one thing YABVU and on the other YANBU at all.

ChubbyMorticia · 17/08/2023 04:36

I’m of the mindset that my money/his money = our money.

BUT.

We agree on a budget, discuss extra expenses, etc. My husband doesn’t go off and spend hundreds treating people out to dinner, or buy expensive gifts without checking where our budget is at and if we can manage it.

It’s not the ‘my money’ thing I agree with, but ‘you’re screwing with the family budget to look good to other people’ I’d absolutely have a problem with.

It’s HARD to be the only one pulling the financial wagon, ESPECIALLY when your partner is adding to the stress. Careless spending, having to pay for childcare when he’s not earning, those things add up.

Something needs to give, and it starts with having a serious talk about your finances.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 04:58

Dictating to your spouse about how the household money is allowed to be spent, or insisting you always get a final decision is financially abusive.

This isn't strictly true. Context should always be taken into account.

Dictating about everything then yes but having a boundary about money not frequently being spent on others isn't.

OP also said but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

So that suggests he has his own savings, but won't contribute to household bills out of that and instead of treating his family etc out of his own savings he uses the OPs wages.

Not contributing to bills (when he has the means) and using the money she earns (instead of his own) is more like financial abuse than the OP trying to have some say over how the money she earns is spent.

Katey83 · 17/08/2023 05:03

I’m in a similar situation, my husband is sahd - we treat my money as family money. But I would be annoyed if he started spending big sums on other people with no discussion beforehand. I think it is time to sit down and work out a plan because this isn’t working for you. Our agreement is all earnings are family money, we pay bills, savings and then split what’s left over for treats, nights out etc.

MinnieTruck · 17/08/2023 05:11

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

It doesn’t sound like he’s an agreed SAHP though? It sounds like his business is more a hobby and he needs to get a bloody job!

If he’s not earning then I can see why OP has a joint account which he has access too. However, read the room. You bring in no money and you’re offering to pay for peoples meal’s? That’s very cheeky

PuddlesPityParty · 17/08/2023 05:32

I agree with PP saying you need to stop seeing it as your money, it’s joint money and if you were a man posting this you’d have been torn to shreds.

Was his business always going to take a few years to set off or is this more of a case of it’s failing to perform as planned? This needs to be looked at.

MushMonster · 17/08/2023 05:41

It is simple OP.
You set a monthly allowance for each of you. So get an account, put x££s in there each month, that you agree is your own spendable money and then he can do what he pleases with his and you with yours. Simple.

Ilovecleaning · 17/08/2023 05:42

mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 00:06

Thanks all.

One of the main issues is that he is just such a kind, generous person to all he meets -not just money wise, and it's in his nature to be the first to offer to pay. I get so upset that he doesn't see how it's impacting me, and he says he feels like he has no say in his spending if I'm telling him what he can and can't spend.

Most of all I'm just sick and tired of holding up a household on one salary for so long

Tell him. Just tell him. I had to do this with my DH. His income is half of mine so my contribution to the household is higher. He used to offer people drinks at the drop of a hat, to groups of 3 or 4 and never get a drink back. His fault for offering. He would do it at gatherings where everyone was clearly buying their own.
I put my foot down and told him to stop offering or to choose carefully who he offered drinks to. Eg, members of family. Caused rows at first but I refused to subsidise others via my DHs generosity.

Ilovecleaning · 17/08/2023 05:44

PuddlesPityParty · 17/08/2023 05:32

I agree with PP saying you need to stop seeing it as your money, it’s joint money and if you were a man posting this you’d have been torn to shreds.

Was his business always going to take a few years to set off or is this more of a case of it’s failing to perform as planned? This needs to be looked at.

He’s taking the piss, though.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 17/08/2023 05:49

Just remind him, particularly before eating out with others, that the current household income is limited and precarious and won't stretch to paying for other people.

VictoriaVenkman · 17/08/2023 05:57

He doesn't have a 'start up' after two years of not earning, he either has a hobby or a failed business. That is what you need to tackle.

Goldbar · 17/08/2023 05:57

I'd offer him a choice. Either your DC drops some nursery days and he can care for them some of the week, or he gets a part-time job. He'll still have some of the week free to focus on his start-up but that will at least free up some more money.

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/08/2023 05:59

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 04:58

Dictating to your spouse about how the household money is allowed to be spent, or insisting you always get a final decision is financially abusive.

This isn't strictly true. Context should always be taken into account.

Dictating about everything then yes but having a boundary about money not frequently being spent on others isn't.

OP also said but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

So that suggests he has his own savings, but won't contribute to household bills out of that and instead of treating his family etc out of his own savings he uses the OPs wages.

Not contributing to bills (when he has the means) and using the money she earns (instead of his own) is more like financial abuse than the OP trying to have some say over how the money she earns is spent.

That’s interesting because I didn’t interpret the meaning of this in the same way.

Perhaps the OP could clarify - does your DH have his own savings? Is he taking money out of the household pot that you’re struggling to fill while sitting on his own, untouched stash of cash?

As others have said, if this was a bloke posting this he’d have been ripped to pieces - but PP are right, a few more details would help determine what’s fair.

Regardless, you do need a monthly budget and allocated separate spends so this doesn’t crop up again.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/08/2023 06:01

I have a small business (just me), if I couldn't take enough out to contribute to our bills I'd have to pack it in.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/08/2023 06:01

I think he's being generous because he wants people to think his business is doing well.

Olika · 17/08/2023 06:02

I would be so pissed off. You need to have a chat.

Wantthisfriend · 17/08/2023 06:04

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

What stunningly good advice. I'll be following this, even if you don't OP.

Good luck.

fiorentina · 17/08/2023 06:06

My DH decided to set up a business when we had small children after he was made redundant and I was the only one earning. It was hard and I emphathise with you. He did however contribute from savings and also eventually got a weekend job to help pay for things. Do you have spare money left to treat yourself, or is he essentially generously splashing that cash? If he has savings he could transfer money for bills every month, that’s a bigger incentive for him to work to make a profit as he sees those dwindle..

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:11

This is why I don't like the idea of joint accounts and pooling money. I'd only have a joint account for bills and put a portion of my salary in it. If he wants to be generous with his money, he needs to earn it or save you money.

Your kids are in Nursery which you are paying for a he hasn't earned in 2 years due to his start up, has he ever said he will have the kids for couple days to save on Nursery fees?

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

In this situation, I wouldn't like the idea of joint accounts and pooling money. I'd only have a joint account for bills and put a portion of my salary in it. If he wants to be generous with his money, he needs to earn it or save you money.

He isn't saving the family money, which SAHP do - biggest one childcare. OP kids are in Nursery which she has been paying for and he hasn't earned in 2 years due to his start up, has he ever said he will have the kids for couple days to save on Nursery fees? Most likely not.