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Original poster

Husband generous with *my* money

247 replies

mintcalipo · 16/08/2023 23:49

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 17/08/2023 07:11

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

Agree. All of this.

Original poster
mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 07:12

Morning all, I've woken up to some fantastic advice, thank you.

To answer some questions:

  • I fully support his start up, and he entered it with my backing. There's high set up costs but if he gets into retail, there's huge potential. He works on it around the clock, days, evenings, weekends. I've been involved in his cashflow projections and set up strategy and I have full faith that at the very very least, he'll break even.
  • Whilst this is the case, I do get frustrated from time to time that all of the financial pressures are on me, I get that it contradicts me being supportive but I can't help getting stressed about it at times
  • He contributes towards 50% of all childcare (we both have kids 1 day per week), cleaning and cooking, and he does all nursery pick ups and drop offs
  • I do agree that the household money is 'our' money, we share everything and if he makes it big and starts earning the big $$$, I'd also see that as household income so it should be the same.
  • I guess we are just so careful day to day and then we go out, and he defaults to jumping in and being chivalrous with people. I earn good money yet we have to watch what we spend day to day because of the situation we're in, and I resent our excess cash going to being polite when realistically I'd have liked have done something with that money for us/me/the kids.
  • I could never, and would never, call him out in front of family and friends. I respect him too much to do that and I don't want people to know our financial situation as it's nobody's business but ours.

I've been given some great advice, particularly around how to separate our money. I desperately don't want to have full financial control over what he spends as I think this is very degrading, hence we just spend everything out of the joint currently. What I'll do is sit down and set up the joint to be just bills, send him a certain amount to do with as he wishes, and save the rest. That means that if he does want to be generous, it can come out of his account, and I think he'd soon see it's ridiculous to splurge like he has been doing. I think it's also time any savings are put in our joint name instead of him seeing them as solely his, as my savings have taken a hit with this set up.

I hope that answers most points! Thanks again

OP posts:
Wife2b · 17/08/2023 07:13

Why isn’t it his money too? You live together and have children together, it’s a family fund irrespective of who puts in. If you want financial independence maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship. The issue is you thinking all the money is yours and feeling resentful that he has to dip into it too. If his start up earns 100k next year - will you be complaining then? Bet you won’t.

rookiemere · 17/08/2023 07:14

What a fraud ! He is using your money to make his unprofitable self employment look as if it's going well.
I'd refuse to go out with his family again if he ever pulls another stunt like that, any significant expenses should be agreed jointly regardless of who is earning, unless you're genuinely in the position to cover family meals without impacting your budget which you aren't.

acpk55 · 17/08/2023 07:14

Family money = Shared money, so why should he not spend it, but a conversation need to be had about what his current income v spending is

What was he doing before the start up, was there a regular job, has he already contributed to the family money?

what the business plan for the start up , it needs to turn a profit, what’s the plan for that?

acpk55 · 17/08/2023 07:17

@mintcalipo
just seen your update, sounds exciting and like you are going to do really well, good luck

BananaSpanner · 17/08/2023 07:19

mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 07:12

Morning all, I've woken up to some fantastic advice, thank you.

To answer some questions:

  • I fully support his start up, and he entered it with my backing. There's high set up costs but if he gets into retail, there's huge potential. He works on it around the clock, days, evenings, weekends. I've been involved in his cashflow projections and set up strategy and I have full faith that at the very very least, he'll break even.
  • Whilst this is the case, I do get frustrated from time to time that all of the financial pressures are on me, I get that it contradicts me being supportive but I can't help getting stressed about it at times
  • He contributes towards 50% of all childcare (we both have kids 1 day per week), cleaning and cooking, and he does all nursery pick ups and drop offs
  • I do agree that the household money is 'our' money, we share everything and if he makes it big and starts earning the big $$$, I'd also see that as household income so it should be the same.
  • I guess we are just so careful day to day and then we go out, and he defaults to jumping in and being chivalrous with people. I earn good money yet we have to watch what we spend day to day because of the situation we're in, and I resent our excess cash going to being polite when realistically I'd have liked have done something with that money for us/me/the kids.
  • I could never, and would never, call him out in front of family and friends. I respect him too much to do that and I don't want people to know our financial situation as it's nobody's business but ours.

I've been given some great advice, particularly around how to separate our money. I desperately don't want to have full financial control over what he spends as I think this is very degrading, hence we just spend everything out of the joint currently. What I'll do is sit down and set up the joint to be just bills, send him a certain amount to do with as he wishes, and save the rest. That means that if he does want to be generous, it can come out of his account, and I think he'd soon see it's ridiculous to splurge like he has been doing. I think it's also time any savings are put in our joint name instead of him seeing them as solely his, as my savings have taken a hit with this set up.

I hope that answers most points! Thanks again

Great. All sounds very sensible. If he does show reluctance to transfer savings to joint names then I would park the idea of transferring him ‘spends’ each month and let him eat into his own savings whilst you build yours back up. Hopefully a frank conversation will iron all this out though.

CapEBarra · 17/08/2023 07:20

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

But that’s not really the issue here. The issue is that they are on a budget, they are having to dip into savings, he is running a business that as yet has had little, and yet he feels free to splurge without any discussion.

OP, I’d say exactly the same to any woman who was treating her whole family to meals and buying £80 gifts without discussion, your DH needs to start generating income and needs to be more aware and careful of the limited resources available to him. You need a frank discussion to help you navigate the next few years until his company either starts turning a profit or he gets a job.

Aprilx · 17/08/2023 07:23

I’m not sure about your update OP. It sounds like your solution is to be financially controlling rather than to work through it like two adults. If you supported the start up and see the money as joint money, then why does he have restricted access and you don’t?

That said, I personally think he has had long enough time to work on his start up and he needs to get back to work. And yes he needs to stop paying for things for other people that the family cannot afford, he is just showing off. But I don’t agree that he is spending “your money”.

MermaidMummy06 · 17/08/2023 07:26

My DH used to be like this. We've always had shared money & on the same page. Usually.

He would wave people away and say 'no we'll get it!'. Made him look wonderful & me cheap. In reality, we were living very frugally to try & get ahead a bit & I wouldn't even buy myself a takeaway coffee, yet here he was flinging that money around to others who could afford to pay themselves.

I had to sit him down & explain all this. He got immediately better but has lapsed recently with his DF & buying him stuff from the shops or online etc. We're on a shoestring now, just to make ends meet & I had to point out the items I'm putting back on the supermarket shelf that equal what he's spending on his (well off) father. Now he gets his father to pay it back, although he still buys treats on his way to visit every Sunday. We can't afford it, but I've just stopped buying any non-essentials DH wants in the groceries. He knows & agrees.

You just need to agree on what you can spend. Or give each of you your own spending money. I guarantee he won't be as generous with that!

Canisaysomething · 17/08/2023 07:26

If you share money you both need eyes on all the finances and incomings and outgoings to know what you can both afford. You both need to understand your family budget regardless of who is earning what. If he's just using a bank card for spending and is in the dark about all of the above he will have no idea what you both can or can't afford.

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/08/2023 07:29

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 02:59

OP, not only has this start up not made money, it has had a massive opportunity cost.

What could DH have saved you in nursery fees if he'd been a SAHD instead? It's cost you that.

What could DH have made in two years in a salaried job? It's cost you that.

Two years and no profit makes me think it's unviable and a sunk cost at this point frankly.

Don't get lost in this dinner or that present. You have to focus on the woods not the trees.

You are no longer happy carrying the full financial load and he needs to get a job.

There might be some compromise around it being part time so he can work one or two days a week on his start up, if you think it has value.

But no way would i subsidise this man any longer.

Please do not suggest or let him become a SAHD thiswill really screw you over if you ever divorce.

I am not sure 100% what the answer is but you need a sit down and a eyeball to eyeball talk.
i'd approach it openly but calmly - his behaviour may in part be him compensating for failure to provide/contribute.

i suggest you reorganise finances. Joint account is for bills only. You both get equal spends. If he want to spend his money on £100 dinners for family fine he has to manage that and it wont annoy you. The positioning is he is unilaterally spending your (plural) joint cash and that's not cool.

More broadly, you need a separate convo about the work situation. If his business isnt doing anything by year 3 he needs to pack it in.

More broadly sorry he has put you in the shitty situation.

Gizlotsmum · 17/08/2023 07:33

Does he see it as family money? So his to spend equally? Or does he recognise it is your money and he hasn’t contributed for the last 2 years ( did he earn and contribute before that?) I think a conversation is needed over how he can either start to contribute. If this was a sahm mum a lot of people would argue it should be family money and hers to spend equally, does he do childcare/ housework whilst you work?

PinkCherryBlossoms · 17/08/2023 07:33

OP your focus on you being the one who's earning the money is a red herring, because his behaviour would still be a problem if you had the same budget earned 50/50. So I think the joint account for bills only is a good idea. Then if anyone wants to be treating others, nothing wrong with that but it comes out of their own spends.

Naunet · 17/08/2023 07:46

Aprilx · 17/08/2023 07:23

I’m not sure about your update OP. It sounds like your solution is to be financially controlling rather than to work through it like two adults. If you supported the start up and see the money as joint money, then why does he have restricted access and you don’t?

That said, I personally think he has had long enough time to work on his start up and he needs to get back to work. And yes he needs to stop paying for things for other people that the family cannot afford, he is just showing off. But I don’t agree that he is spending “your money”.

She does have restricted access, she can’t access ‘his’ savings at all.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 17/08/2023 07:48

How many hours a week is he putting into this start up? I would be getting resentful by now.

Maybe he could get a PT job? Or put an end date on the start up at which time he has to get a FT job if it’s not making an equivalent profit?

Wisenotboring · 17/08/2023 07:55

You need to have a very serious chat about how you make financial decisions. Explain that it is obviously OK to buy things like his mum's birthday present, but that you need to sit down and budget for these each month. The value needs to be more like £20 not £80! If he refuses I would get my salary paid into a different account and just put whatever spends you can afford into the joint one. That sounds absolutely horrible but you could end up in serious debt otherwise.

If he is resistant to that fair suggestion, you have a bigger problem to deal with.

Alongside this, you need to have a discussion about how long you are prepared to support the start up with us making no or minimal money. 2 years is a long time not be contributing if that is the plan.

For me, financial irresponsibility and pie in the sky thinking are deeply unattractive traits and I would be wondering if this man is truly compatible, especially as he doesn't seem to realise how out of line his spending is when you point it out. Good luck!

Edders71 · 17/08/2023 08:02

If you’re married then surely it’s joint money and he is within his rights to spend it. If this was the other way round (wife spending husband’s money) MN would be saying something different!

2 issues for me:

  1. can you afford it? If not, then he is being unreasonable

  2. If you’re not happy about it then you need to have a conversation about his lack of income - this seems to be the real issue

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 08:08

How close is he to getting into retail, OP?

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 08:16

People are missing the point about sharing money, he’s wasting money on treating people up to excess of £100 when he isn’t currently earning and nursery fees are at play. Financially things are tough especially with col.

If a SAHM came on here said she spends £100 regularly treating people; I’d have the same reaction.

Myself and dh work full time and we can’t afford to do this and we reign it in.

burnoutbabe · 17/08/2023 08:22

I'd be very concerned about this business that isn't even breaking even after 2 years and working all hours on it?

What was his past job and why couldn't he do sone part time version of that to at least bring in some income? Or take over childcare to save that bill.

Currently this business is costing you his previous lost income. That's a huge issue.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 17/08/2023 08:23

I would be tempted to be so pass agg in that kind of situation. You need to have a conversation about it. Savings aren’t for buying meals for everyone.

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 08:24

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:33

"She's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really her money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how its spent. If you talk to her and she gets funny about it then I personally would her having the money. She is not contributing to the household so tough shit"

I wonder what the reaction would be ......

Show quote history

Exactly. If this was a woman not bringing anything in no one would suggest she has no access to money as that's financial abuse, however because this is a man not earning we have "don't have any joint accounts, don't give him anything, the money isn't his, he didn't earn it etc etc!". Funny how it only works one way.

Goldbar · 17/08/2023 08:26

The issue isn't "shared money", the issue is (i) how he spends it, and (ii) that he has separate savings.

OP, from your update it seems that you support his start-up but you're feeling the financial pressure and his actions are potentially making the kids go without. If he was taking hundreds from the family finances for gambling, then that would be unacceptable - I don't see that this is necessarily much better if he's addicted to being "Mr Generosity". It's not so much at YOUR expense (since you've agreed to joint finances), it's at THE FAMILY'S expense. And no, just like spending hundreds on gambling is not a legitimate decision to make with family money, neither is wasting large amounts on unnecessary hospitality for other people.

And his savings need to be transferred into joint savings... it's family money, right?

Inertia · 17/08/2023 08:27

Why did he use your savings to start up his business but keep his own?

If he has savings in his own name, you should have the equivalent savings- ISAs are the most efficient way to save anyway , and they need to be in one person’s name .