Husband generous with *my* money

[mintcalipo]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

Are you comparing this to a SAHM?

Oh hell.

You've opened the floodgates now 😂.

I just don't understand how this has turned into a SAHM thread when OP hasn't mentioned SAHM's or either of them wanting to be a SAHP.

The kids are in full time Nursery for a start.

He's spending excess of £100 on a meal treating families, when they're struggling financially.

£80 gift on his mother. What's wrong with a card and flowers from Sainsbury's?

He's not spending money wisely and being generous with OP's money as he isn't earning atm. Once he starts earning, he can spend what he like within reason as long as he contributes to the bills.

I think OP as others have said it just needs a good discussion and you need to be upfront about the fact the family income isn't enough at the moment for him to be generous to others - a lot of men are ego driven and like to look like they are doing better than they are- that's why I'm always a bit cynical when people on MN who have partners they've only known a short while say their partners are on £150k etc but insist they pay half always when they are on £35k - they may be but equally I bet plenty are being totally bullshitted to for ego reasons.

I do think alongside this you need to talk about the business and why it isn't turning a profit and how he sees it going-because there are many people whose businesses never turn a profit but sell out for very high sums because the time and knowledge in them is worth something substantive to others- this can go on for years - but that may not work for your family if you need more income now- so it needs discussing and some honesty from him.

My partner is so kind and sweet too. He does earn but significantly less than me so the bulk of everything comes out of my pocket. When I explained why it frustrated me that he paid for other people and broke it down in terms of how much he'd have to have work in order to afford the 'payment' he understood and stopped doing it. When you make it more real like saying one days work is given to the government a week in tax so you'd have to work at least two days to be able to afford a meal after bills extra it can really sink in.

If he was a SAHM doing those things most people would agree its shared money.

The issue is you seem to resent supporting him because his business isn't making money, and you have very different ideas about spending money.

You need to discuss these two things.

Do you both agree that he continues to pursue the start up? Is it a realistic prospect and going to benefit you both longer term....or a hiding to nothing and he needs to cut his loses and get a job, (or do more round the house, become a SAHD) If you agree to continue with you supporting the household then he should be allowed to spend some of your joint money.

Agree your ground rules and budget for spending. This is our family budget, this is our free cash, of this you can spend this on yourself, I can spend this on myself, this is for going out together, our maximum budget for gifts for family members is this much, we won't pay for other people's meals and always split the bill....that sort if thing.

Err but she gets to tell him what his savings are in the first place!

It's all very well being generous and open-handed, but there comes a time when charity begins at home. It is joint money, of course it is, but on the other hand, he needs to start thinking before spending. He needs the term: "We can't afford it" explaining to him, with the emphasis on the 'we'.

@Mumof2teens79 Try reading the OP's updates, you just press "see all" under one of her posts.

He's got savings that he accumulated before he started his own business that she has no access to and he doesn't use to replenish their overspending - OP has to use her savings to do that.

I would approach this differently, it is not about a meal or present, the real question is when will he be showing a profit (date and forecast amounts) so he contributes. And what is his plan B when this business of his doesn't deliver.

I suspect he can't run a business because he isn't savvy enough - it's all bartering and he'll do something he should charge for as a favour or on the promise they return a favour: and that never happens.

If you don't take charge you'll be in this forever. In this case I'd say you control the money because you earn it and he has to regain your trust by earning too.

It is lovely that he is a kind and generous man but he has to also be realistic. He is being very unfair to you and should discuss things like that and not just assume it is ok. God forbid if anything happened which meant you also couldn't work and then he has spent all your savings what would happen then? I have had this happen where my ex spent money on whatever he wanted without any thought towards if we had enough to cover cost of living and we were both working. He then lost his job and we did not have enough savings because he had spent them and unbeknown to me at the time had taken out a joint credit card and racked up debt too. We lost our house as a result and when i left him i was left with half of his debt which i am still paying off six years later. Talk to him and make understand your side and worries. You are not being unreasonable you are being careful and thinking of your family.

EX husband was like this. Even bought me 'gifts' (expensive handbags etc) with my own money.. I set him up in a side business, bought him a truck... he 'bought me' a dress. After 18yrs together, 15 married, he left me with a £20k IVF toddler & a 'surprise' 1yr old. I'd given up my highly paid job, for a (still decent, £40k job) & whaddya know.. he lost interest. Faked 'depression', ran up £40k debt, fleeced me in a 3yr strung out divorce (the house bought with MY salary), then married his 'new' girlfriend 4 months later. Think he was seeing her when I conceived my daughter. Turns out she's not a secretary...she's a property lawyer. Good job. He's still only intermittently paying child support. Look after yourself & your children.

100% - if your money is joint then his savings also need to be joint. I think you're saying the problem isn't the joint account, its him paying for things that should be a joint decision. That's the bit you need to stress to him.

But it isn't financial abuse cos he isn't a stay at home parent looking after their kids???
She is paying for nursery whilst he "works" for no money, so is literally contributing nothing to the family

Yup, idek how this turns into a SAHM thread when he isn't a SAHD! All projection really.

Agreed. To all the people saying SAHM wouldn’t receive the same advice-we are jut talking the odd treat for themself in addition to household/kids stuff. We are talking taking the piss when they r struggling financially. Seriously excessive to pay for everyone at big family meal and to be buying expensive gifts. Whichever partner did this it’s not really ok is it.

If someone isnt working because theyre looking after kids it may raise eyebrows but I think in the situation described male or female the response should be the same. If the 2 yr startup is agreed by both then fine but no one should just live off soneone else in the way described.

In a way the start up and not earning is a red herring. Even if OPs DH had a job and they were financially fine but not rolling in it, he has no right to unilaterally treat people to a meal - particularly people who earn more than they do.

It's easy - and makes you feel good about yourself - to get into the position of wealthy relative, DH had this with his Dsis and family and I sort of followed suit. It was only a few years ago when I looked about and realised that everyones financial situation had changed, and also because they had got used to being subsidised, his family weren't particularly grateful for our money, so we pretty much stopped.

It is difficult if that's what you're used to doing and the family is used to it. I slipped into it a couple of times recently almost by mistake and was stunned yet again at how easily they take things and don't really say thank you for them. They are lovely in other ways, it's just around money they are funny.

The OPs DH could afford to treat his relatives when he was in his boring corporate job, but because he doesn't want to work for the man, the family has less disposable income. Nothing to do with financial oppression or SAHMs.

@SunRainStorm his kids are in their 30's!

Exactly! I just don’t get what’s wrong with a card and flowers from Sainsbury’s as a gift! Also £100 on meals. I work full time and so does dh, we can’t afford this. Maybe once as a treat for ourselves as a family, but we wouldn’t pay for others outside my immediate family (children and dh).

The OPs DH could afford to treat his relatives when he was in his boring corporate job, but because he doesn't want to work for the man, the family has less disposable income. Nothing to do with financial oppression or SAHMs.

He needs to earn his own money to treat people like that.

If it was £80 let’s say on some new fencing or doing up the garden or even a lawnmower, it wouldn’t be a problem as it’s helping the house look nice and doing his part. Even groceries etc. But, spending that on treats and gifts is extravagant when not earning. He also doesn’t do childcare, the kids are in nursery full time! (Nothing wrong with full time nursery but he isn’t a SAHP).

Totally agree with this

I think if it was agreed that he will start the company and the family will rely on your income until the company makes profit money is shared therefore he is doing nothing wrong.

Could be that he being generous and spending in other can cause you financial issues. In that case, you need to speak with him and with honesty tell him that he can't spend at that rate if he doesn't contribute towards earning.

I found a bit OTT that you think is your moneys unless you keep the finances completely separated in that case you got a leach.

Depends on the setup and what was agreed. You are reasonable or not. In any case you are not unreasonable to try to keep brithday cost lower specially now with the cost of living.

If you're married then it is his money, but he still shouldn't be spending money you can't afford.