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Original poster

Husband generous with *my* money

247 replies

mintcalipo · 16/08/2023 23:49

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please.

I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc.

Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?!

Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

OP posts:
anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:15

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:33

"She's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really her money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how its spent. If you talk to her and she gets funny about it then I personally would her having the money. She is not contributing to the household so tough shit"

I wonder what the reaction would be ......

Show quote history

But, SAHP save money on childcare and household chores. Which he isn't. He is taking advantage. Childcare fees are expensive which OP is covering herself.

C1N1C · 17/08/2023 06:15

Is he acting as a house husband while doing his startup? The argument many are making is that the kids are in nursery, so he's basically pissing about and isn't 'entitled' to a share as a SAHM would be. If he is doing his share, or more, while at home, this point is moot.

The joint account idea for bills and household expenses only, and then separating the remainder into personal accounts, is tantamount to pocket money, and is degrading.

And as always, flip it... if his business took off and you were in his position, would people still support him controlling money if he were a millionaire? "We're putting in 'x' into the joint. I'll give you 100 a week for your own expenses because you can't be trusted with joint money." I wouldn't want to be the guy in that situation...

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:16

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

Is he saving money on childcare?
Does he do household chores?
Why is OP paying for Nursery?

He needs to stop being generous with her money and look at ways to earn his own.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:21

WomanHereHear · 17/08/2023 01:43

Would he be as generous if it was the money he earned himself? That is the real question. Some men like to act like they’re the ‘big men’ flashing the cash, maybe he wants to act like he’s the ‘big man’, could he be feeling insecure about his lack of earning and so is going overboard? Maybe he feels he needs to prove something to them. Either way he should be discussing it with you, family money only works when both people are respectful with their spending not take the piss. There is a difference as the women the post about not having access to family money are usually wanted to pay for the damn basics for themselves or the shared children, not to indulge their own relatives. There is a difference.

I agree, it's the same oh I don't want to have a boss, I want to be the boss.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 06:21

@SunRainStorm plenty of women continue to be SAHP's long after the children are in school.

OP is his 'startup' ever going to make money? If after 2 years he's turning no profit, he's flogging a dead horse.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:21

TyneTeas · 17/08/2023 01:43

The kids are in nursery though according to OP so the Sahm comparison is relevant. But it is still joint money not being agreed

Nowhere in OP were SAHP mentioned or the fact he wanted to be one, also the kids are in Nursery.. Yet on the first page defence for SAHP!

Genevieva · 17/08/2023 06:22

It sounds like he needs to get a part-time job to help with the bills. And you need to separate your accounts so he can’t just pay for things without consideration for necessary household expenditure. He’s behaving like a teenager.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:22

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 01:53

Unless your husband has been taking care of the children every day so you have no nursery costs, he is taking the piss and needs to get a real job immediately.

Exactly

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:23

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 01:57

Then it goes back to what I said earlier, that they need to reorder their finances so that the joint account is untouchable as it is the bills account only, and they get their own spends. Then they discuss whether the business is ever likely to be profitable or whether he needs to go back into paid employment asap.

If he refuses to discuss the business either folding or being run as a side hustle that isnt at the expense of the family finances, then thats a different issue, but not one that the OP has posted about.

i am very shocked at the "he brings nothing in, he gets nothing out" attitude of some posters who I have seen posting on other threads saying "His money/your money is family money! You should get equal access, anything else is financial abuse!". Seems that it only works one way.

Show quote history

i am very shocked at the "he brings nothing in, he gets nothing out" attitude of some posters who I have seen posting on other threads saying "His money/your money is family money! You should get equal access, anything else is financial abuse!". Seems that it only works one way.

This is because 99.9% women tend to do the caring roles and adhere to it. Men don't, as evidenced in OP.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:24

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 02:41

Men earns = household money
Women earns = her money

ok right

Does he do household chores and childcare?

BelovedLucy · 17/08/2023 06:26

I think you need to have a chat together about the viability of the start up and whether you (together) can afford for him not to earn anything for now. People have made all sorts of assumptions about the business- that it’s just a hobby etc- and this might be true but also it might be the case that it’s a perfectly ordinary start up- it’s really common not to take any money from a business in the first few years in the hope of getting a great return later. So it really comes down to whether you as a couple are happy to pursue this or not.

If you’ve agreed together that you’ll support the family while he is getting the business established, that should include things like buying his mum a birthday present without resentment, if you (together) can afford it. Fine to talk about it if he’s spending too much but on a joint basis, not from the basis that it’s your money not his.

OTOH, if you’re not happy supporting the family and feel the start up isn’t viable, you need to talk about that.

Some of suggestions here (humiliating him etc) are absolutely appalling and people would call them financial abuse if the sexes were reversed.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:29

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 06:21

@SunRainStorm plenty of women continue to be SAHP's long after the children are in school.

OP is his 'startup' ever going to make money? If after 2 years he's turning no profit, he's flogging a dead horse.

plenty of women continue to be SAHP's long after the children are in school. as evidenced on here, men get resentful and these days expect wives to work and bring money in.

He isn't a SAHP anyway.

chopc · 17/08/2023 06:30

Hang on - what about SAHP who don't earn? I thought there was a thing on MN that it's family money etc

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:30

Still don't understand how this turned into a SAHP thread, when he isn't even a SAHP and kids are in full time childcare.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:30

chopc · 17/08/2023 06:30

Hang on - what about SAHP who don't earn? I thought there was a thing on MN that it's family money etc

They save money on childcare, do household work and laundry etc. Where does it say in OP - he does this?

NewYorkFirstTimer · 17/08/2023 06:34

Get fucking rid

labamba007 · 17/08/2023 06:37

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 02:41

Men earns = household money
Women earns = her money

ok right

Woman = stay at home parent saving thousands every month in nursery, cleaning and cooking costs

Man = runs an unprofitable business for 2 years

Not the same thing. If this was a stay at home husband the response would be different.

anonymousxoxo · 17/08/2023 06:42

labamba007 · 17/08/2023 06:37

Woman = stay at home parent saving thousands every month in nursery, cleaning and cooking costs

Man = runs an unprofitable business for 2 years

Not the same thing. If this was a stay at home husband the response would be different.

Show quote history

Yup.

If he was a sahd: I'd expect the following.
Childcare done
Household chores
Cooking done
Household maintenance
Full time job once kids are in school

Which as evidence in OP her husband doesn't do but is quick to offer almost £100 on an unnecessary expense.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/08/2023 06:44

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

Is looking after small kids and running the house though? Because that’s the expectation with a SAHP.

I do agree though that if op agreed to support him while the business takes off, then she needs to do so gracefully.

@mintcalipo what time frame did you set for the business to start making profit? I’d have thought it must be getting towards that now?

Advicerequest · 17/08/2023 06:59

Does he contribute on other ways that save money eg does he do the bulk of the cleaning and looking after kids, work that saves money and makes your family possible.
os the start up something real? What are his long term goals? Is it something that will very likely make money on the figure?
Would you spend your earnings on the things he does? Eg same amount for gifts or asking people out

Naunet · 17/08/2023 07:00

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

He’s not a bloody stay at home mum, whose role plays a significant part in providing for the family, he’s not contributing by doing all the childcare, is he? So totally different situation.

Maybe you can try focusing on the OP rather than policing ‘fairness’ to hypothetical men?

babyproblems · 17/08/2023 07:01

YADNBU!!
You sound like you have a lot more patience than me!! I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this for very long at all

Kweeky · 17/08/2023 07:07

You could assign the income to savings eg ISAs or savings accounts to which you don't have bank cards by DDebits so the money isn't there to blow.
I would say treating other family members and 80 quid on DM is toooo much unless you are obviously better off than the others.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 07:09

He needs to get a job. You’ve carried him and his ‘start up’ for long enough.

Anothernamethesamegame · 17/08/2023 07:10

What was/is the agreement about the start up? It’s one thing to have agreed a period where your income sustains the family while his business gets off the ground and another of the situation has occurred out of the blue. Is the start up expected to make money soon or is there a date by when he will scrap it and get an income. I can see the situation you describe must be very frustrating but I think I’d deal with it if I knew there was an end date (eg business makes money or he gets an alternative job).

I have written this assuming that you are both sharing household and childcare jobs, and not on the basis that he is also a SAHD or house husband alongside his start up. Obviously if he was taken more of those tasks on then his input is more fair.