Page 6 | Husband generous with *my* money

mintcalipo · 2023-08-16T22:49:26+00:00

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'd love some opinions please. I'm the sole earner in my household as my husband has a startup, which has yet to turn a profit. We have two kids in nursery and I pay for everything household and kid related: food, rent, nursery bills etc. Yet he's so quick to offer to pay for things for other people and it upsets me massively. An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill... yet it comes out of our joint account, which really comes out of my pocket?! Or he'll buy his mum an £80 birthday gift (completely reasonable if he's earning money), but when I suggest it's quire a lot when he hasn't earned for two years, he says it will.come out of savings... yet I don't see any of these to contribute towards bills?! Please can anybody relate or tell me if I'm out of order?

Goldbar · 17/08/2023 08:28

SunWorshipping · 17/08/2023 08:24

Exactly. If this was a woman not bringing anything in no one would suggest she has no access to money as that's financial abuse, however because this is a man not earning we have "don't have any joint accounts, don't give him anything, the money isn't his, he didn't earn it etc etc!". Funny how it only works one way.

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You would not suggest that someone with a compulsive gambling problem has unlimited and free access to the family's money, would you?

Florenceatemycake · 17/08/2023 08:33

On the other hand, my husband earns a lot more than me and both our salaries go into a joint account. He doesn't mind what I spend the money on and certainly wouldn't question me paying for things for other people. I think it's a perception thing - it's "our" money once it's in the joint account.

I think you need to talk to him.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 08:35

Florenceatemycake · 17/08/2023 08:33

On the other hand, my husband earns a lot more than me and both our salaries go into a joint account. He doesn't mind what I spend the money on and certainly wouldn't question me paying for things for other people. I think it's a perception thing - it's "our" money once it's in the joint account.

I think you need to talk to him.

Which she has said she will do.

Florenceatemycake · 17/08/2023 08:35

mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 07:12

Morning all, I've woken up to some fantastic advice, thank you.

To answer some questions:

I fully support his start up, and he entered it with my backing. There's high set up costs but if he gets into retail, there's huge potential. He works on it around the clock, days, evenings, weekends. I've been involved in his cashflow projections and set up strategy and I have full faith that at the very very least, he'll break even.
Whilst this is the case, I do get frustrated from time to time that all of the financial pressures are on me, I get that it contradicts me being supportive but I can't help getting stressed about it at times
He contributes towards 50% of all childcare (we both have kids 1 day per week), cleaning and cooking, and he does all nursery pick ups and drop offs
I do agree that the household money is 'our' money, we share everything and if he makes it big and starts earning the big $$$, I'd also see that as household income so it should be the same.
I guess we are just so careful day to day and then we go out, and he defaults to jumping in and being chivalrous with people. I earn good money yet we have to watch what we spend day to day because of the situation we're in, and I resent our excess cash going to being polite when realistically I'd have liked have done something with that money for us/me/the kids.
I could never, and would never, call him out in front of family and friends. I respect him too much to do that and I don't want people to know our financial situation as it's nobody's business but ours.

I've been given some great advice, particularly around how to separate our money. I desperately don't want to have full financial control over what he spends as I think this is very degrading, hence we just spend everything out of the joint currently. What I'll do is sit down and set up the joint to be just bills, send him a certain amount to do with as he wishes, and save the rest. That means that if he does want to be generous, it can come out of his account, and I think he'd soon see it's ridiculous to splurge like he has been doing. I think it's also time any savings are put in our joint name instead of him seeing them as solely his, as my savings have taken a hit with this set up.

I hope that answers most points! Thanks again

You sound really nice and so does he. I really think you just need to talk to him.

Florenceatemycake · 17/08/2023 08:36

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 08:35

Which she has said she will do.

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Sorry I didn't read the whole thread. Only the first few posts which were bashing the husband.

Original poster

mintcalipo · 17/08/2023 08:38

@MermaidMummy06 Exactly this scenario - and before kids and when we were both working, I didn't mind at all! His sister is significantly better off, which frustrates me even further when he offers to pay for her food.

I wish there was a 'like' button for a lot of these comments, such good points made, thank you.

He had a corporate job before, and hated the grind, we both agree that in a perfect world one of us would have our own business (still a lot of work, granted) and the other provide the steady income stream.

Further comments about my salary being our money, I completely agree - I admittedly have the mindset that's it's mostly mine (and reading back its really coming through what Ive written) and I really need to shift that mindset. He's spending our money rather than my money.

His savings do need to become our savings, but I don't want to completely wipe him out - we've had a brief chat this morning about it and he's fully open to having a sit down and sort all of this out, he can see where im coming from. Those savings need to become our savings, and we need a clear plan over next year or two around what happens if he doesn't start turning a profit.

OP posts:

Gassylady · 17/08/2023 08:41

@mintcalipo I would be frustrated too in this scenario. Glad to see that you will be talking and sorting together. That talk must include considering what if the start up never turns a profit.

JanieEyre · 17/08/2023 08:42

Row back on socialising that costs money, and if you have to do it, have a conversation beforehand reminding him that he is not going to decide to pay for everyone, no matter how generous he wants to be.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 17/08/2023 09:05

A story for you.

dh would have nodded very empathetically to your OP and said Yes, Yes, Yes!!
What actually happened

we have different values in some areas + he HATES spending with a vengeance. So any spending of mine is seen as superfluous/too expensive etc…
but he also has always refused to sit down to put a budget together. Because he finds that controlling of me to agree on limits/what’s ok or not 🤪🤪
the result of the face pulling etc… looking at spending on our joint account means I pretty much stopped buying anything that account. It has all come out from the little income/savings I have just to avoid a sour atmosphere.
It also has created massive issues on some subjects such as me going away with dcs back to my home country. DH being grumpy at the amount spent (very little as my parents actually paid for most of it!). Me very frustrated because, well yes, going back to my own (European) home country doesn’t look like unnecessary spending. But more to the point, he ne er saw me putting money aside each month over the year for that specific reason. But thought ‘if she can pay for that, why can’t she pay more of tte day to day stuff’……

Seriously, it has made things hard fir everyone tbh. And yes I’ve been standing my ground in some areas but it hurts - badly.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/08/2023 09:07

So, it's apparently only family money when the man is the sole earner? The double standards are out in foarc.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/08/2023 09:07

*force

billy1966 · 17/08/2023 09:16

I don't see generosity, I see him being the big man, his ego at play.

Very disrespectful to do this by either partner.

Completely taking the piss to do it when you contribute nothing to the joint account and money is tight.

You are very respectful and sensitive to him, but he isn't at all returning this respect.

I would be absolutely furious with him playing the big man with family money with only one earner and funds being tight.

Stop tip toeing around him, that really suits him.

This is his ego, not generosity.

He certainly isn't looking after you and YOUR stress levels.

Spending money that would benefit your children, on meals for family would mean I would refuse to eat out again with him as he can't be trusted to be respectful.

WhistPie · 17/08/2023 09:17

readbooksdrinktea · 17/08/2023 09:07

So, it's apparently only family money when the man is the sole earner? The double standards are out in foarc.

Show you haven't read the thread without saying you haven't read it.

OP earns all the money and has been depleting her savings to cover what her husband is giving away. Meanwhile, husband has savings in his name only which she doesn't have access to, and isn't transferring any to the joint pot when it's needed.

Ohmylovejune · 17/08/2023 09:20

Although I completely understand where you are coming from I think shared finances are a good way to go generally when you have children and housing responsibilities.

The issue isn't spending as such, its the being overly generous. That shouldn't happen with shared finances without consultation. So, I'd approach it that way.

In terms of small business, and I've heard many say that it takes three years to turn a profit but that doesn't concur with my experience. Most work very hard to get it off it's feet and earning at least something as soon as possible even if it takes all the hours the owner can muster. Where is the business in terms of moving to profitability currently? Is it more or a hobby, is it really going nowhere, or is it showing real signs of making money? Make sure if he is generous that he is charging appropriately!

GameOverBoys · 17/08/2023 09:22

Presumably you agreed to him taking some time away from earning to start his company. Is it likely to start making money soon? If you have joint savings I don’t think he is unreasonable for wanting to dip into them. There are a lot worse things than a generous caring man who wants to do things for people.

GameOverBoys · 17/08/2023 09:22

Presumably you agreed to him taking some time away from earning to start his company. Is it likely to start making money soon? If you have joint savings I don’t think he is unreasonable for wanting to dip into them. There are a lot worse things than a generous caring man who wants to do things for other people.

Spywoman · 17/08/2023 09:22

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

Usually though in those cases the women are left with no money at all and have to pay for everything out of their savings from before having the children or are buying food out of their measly allowance while the DH is paying for trips away, expensive hobbies etc for himself.

The PP who suggested him having a regular sum as an allowance that he pays everything out of rather than everything being joint funds has a good idea. Then he really is paying for his generosity out of his own money.

AgreeWithPP · 17/08/2023 09:26

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:25

I think the issue here isnt being a single income family, lots of families with SAHP are like that. Or that he wants to buy or pay for certain things despite not having any income of his own. If a husband was to resent any spending on his SAHW part because he was the only earner there would be outcry, and rightly so.

So right now, he has no income of his own and the only access to money he has is your joint account, what else is he supposed to spend?

Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.

But you do need to stop thinking about your household income as "your" money if this is what you agreed when he started the business.

This! Very well put PyongyangKipperbang. If this post was by a SAHM saying her husband sees the joint account as "his" money and she needs permission to buy her mom a present the responses would look different.

Personally I try to work strictly according to a budget, regardless of what money is in which account. So x for bills, x for savings, x for meals out, x for gifts, and "spending money" for each to do whatever with. So if you spend your meal budget on your friends you don't get to go out again this month. If you spend 80 out of say 100 on your mom's gift you have 20 left for all the other gifts this month/year etc. Or he can use his own spending money (not savings) on whatever he likes without judgement.

Lili132 · 17/08/2023 09:27

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

I agree it's their money not hers BUT he is not a SAHP. The children are both in nursery. Also being on one salary plus childcare costs must be a real struggle so expenses should be discussed together.
The way I understand OP's post is she's tired of being a sole earner and him not contributing yet spending money unnecessarily.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 17/08/2023 09:30

The way I understand OP's post is she's tired of being a sole earner and him not contributing yet spending money unnecessarily.

Thats exactly what happens with SAHM/SAHP.

And the unnecessarily part is very subjective.

gamerchick · 17/08/2023 09:31

And people keep saying joint accounts are a must?

If he's not earning then he needs to get a job that does bring in some money.

LimeCheesecake · 17/08/2023 09:33

You are in a worse position than many men supporting a SAHM because you are still having to juggle childcare and pay for nursery costs.

doing a start up that will not make any money for 2+ years is tough on your partner at most times - but when it’s coinciding with the high expense stage of parenting of nursery years, that’s got to be brutal. He needs to be realistic about all of this. Including his shit timing!

AutumnCrow · 17/08/2023 09:35

Lili132 · 17/08/2023 09:27

I agree it's their money not hers BUT he is not a SAHP. The children are both in nursery. Also being on one salary plus childcare costs must be a real struggle so expenses should be discussed together.
The way I understand OP's post is she's tired of being a sole earner and him not contributing yet spending money unnecessarily.

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Which is what I said yesterday.

OP is doing a first shift, second shift and third shift. Childcare is having to be expensively outsourced.

He’s doing a first shift, unsuccessfully. And blowing money that is hard-earned and in short supply and earmarked as savings / rainy day money.

OP is tired. It won’t take long before she bows out of this arrangement, if it doesn’t change. I’ve seen it before with couples, both ways round.

JusthereforXmas · 17/08/2023 09:40

Why the living fuck do you have a joint account with someone who offers nothing to the table?

Honestly the more I see about joint account situations the more I cements they are a ridiculous thing only benefiting leeches.

Take your money out and get your own account, if he wants money then he needs to get it himself in his own bank and live within his own meens.

Spywoman · 17/08/2023 09:40

LifeIsShitJustNow · 17/08/2023 09:30

The way I understand OP's post is she's tired of being a sole earner and him not contributing yet spending money unnecessarily.

Thats exactly what happens with SAHM/SAHP.

And the unnecessarily part is very subjective.

Not when they don't do the childcare and all of the housework. People are drawing false equivalences with SAHM mother threads where the woman is being financially abused. That is not the case here.