Page 2 | Husband generous with *my* money

WomanHereHear · 17/08/2023 01:43

Would he be as generous if it was the money he earned himself? That is the real question. Some men like to act like they’re the ‘big men’ flashing the cash, maybe he wants to act like he’s the ‘big man’, could he be feeling insecure about his lack of earning and so is going overboard? Maybe he feels he needs to prove something to them. Either way he should be discussing it with you, family money only works when both people are respectful with their spending not take the piss. There is a difference as the women the post about not having access to family money are usually wanted to pay for the damn basics for themselves or the shared children, not to indulge their own relatives. There is a difference.

TyneTeas · 17/08/2023 01:43

The kids are in nursery though according to OP so the Sahm comparison is relevant. But it is still joint money not being agreed

AutumnCrow · 17/08/2023 01:46

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:33

"She's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really her money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how its spent. If you talk to her and she gets funny about it then I personally would her having the money. She is not contributing to the household so tough shit"

I wonder what the reaction would be ......

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Well very different, I imagine, because ‘she’ would probably - let’s face it - be looking after the kids, thus vastly reducing the nursery costs, rather than pissing about with a two year old unprofitable start-up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 01:51

AutumnCrow · 17/08/2023 01:46

Well very different, I imagine, because ‘she’ would probably - let’s face it - be looking after the kids, thus vastly reducing the nursery costs, rather than pissing about with a two year old unprofitable start-up.

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And the OP hasnt suggested that he hasnt been doing both.....so conjecture on your part to support your own bias.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 01:53

Unless your husband has been taking care of the children every day so you have no nursery costs, he is taking the piss and needs to get a real job immediately.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 01:57

TyneTeas · 17/08/2023 01:43

The kids are in nursery though according to OP so the Sahm comparison is relevant. But it is still joint money not being agreed

Then it goes back to what I said earlier, that they need to reorder their finances so that the joint account is untouchable as it is the bills account only, and they get their own spends. Then they discuss whether the business is ever likely to be profitable or whether he needs to go back into paid employment asap.

If he refuses to discuss the business either folding or being run as a side hustle that isnt at the expense of the family finances, then thats a different issue, but not one that the OP has posted about.

i am very shocked at the "he brings nothing in, he gets nothing out" attitude of some posters who I have seen posting on other threads saying "His money/your money is family money! You should get equal access, anything else is financial abuse!". Seems that it only works one way.

fullbloom87 · 17/08/2023 02:05

I would normally say what's yours is his and vice Versa but it's not like the agreement was he would be a sahp and you'd go out to work and provide. You're having to pay for nursery fees ffs. If he still isn't bringing in any money then he needs to buck his ideas up or go and get a job.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2023 02:12

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 00:33

"She's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really her money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how its spent. If you talk to her and she gets funny about it then I personally would her having the money. She is not contributing to the household so tough shit"

I wonder what the reaction would be ......

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Exactly the same. HTH.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 17/08/2023 02:16

The lazy git needs a job!

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 02:26

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2023 02:12

Exactly the same. HTH.

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Really? Then you are happy with the financial abuse of a partner who is struggling with a start up?

Arent you the charmer.

*NB....the OP used the phrase "start up" not "business he wanted to start which I didnt agree to and think is a waste of time". Its suggests it was done with her full knowledge and agreement, before you start trying that one.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 02:29

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 02:26

Really? Then you are happy with the financial abuse of a partner who is struggling with a start up?

Arent you the charmer.

*NB....the OP used the phrase "start up" not "business he wanted to start which I didnt agree to and think is a waste of time". Its suggests it was done with her full knowledge and agreement, before you start trying that one.

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Where is the financial abuse in this scenario ?

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 02:33

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 02:29

Where is the financial abuse in this scenario ?

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He's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really his money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how it's spent. If you talk to him and he gets funny about it then I personally would stop him having the money. He's not contributing to the household so tough sh!t.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 17/08/2023 02:36

This is exactly the sort of situation that cries out for a joint account for bills and required spending, joint savings for a specific purpose, and individual accounts with some free spending money. If he then wants to treat everyone out of his own spending money, absolutely fine. But it doesn't come out of bill money, savings or your account.

When he DOES start earning, he doesn't get to spend whatever he earns, it too gets allocated to these pots, hopefully increasing both of your free spending amounts.

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 02:41

Men earns = household money
Women earns = her money

ok right

Babyenroute · 17/08/2023 02:49

I disagree with many of the other posters I think that the way you are thinking of it as your money is a little odd to be honest. Whether he is working or not, it's household money and he should continue to spend in exactly the same way, as long as you are aligned with what is affordable and within budget.
I'm assuming you agreed for him to start a business, and him not earning now is an investment you are both choosing to make in case his start up does well. You will both see the benefit of it doing well and you will be able to spend it yourself, because again, it's household money not just yours. It's not like he isn't working at all. You can't have gain without some pain as his business gets off the ground.

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 02:56

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 02:41

Men earns = household money
Women earns = her money

ok right

The 'household' money comes into play when one parent is providing childcare.

OP's children are in nursery. He's not contributing to the household in that sense.

OP is carrying the financial burden.
The children are in nursery.
DH has spent two years fannying about with a start up that hasn't turned a profit.

It's not the same at all.

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 17/08/2023 02:56

AffIt · 17/08/2023 01:32

But as is endlessly said on MN when it comes to SAHMs, 'household money is joint money / there is no your money or his money', although apparently not when it comes to men.

We operate with household money is our money. It doesn't matter where it comes from. That works because we are both responsible with expenditure and fair to each other. If one of us was giving it away without agreement, I think things would be said.

My understanding is that a business takes about two years to break even. I hope it's not operating at a loss.

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 02:59

OP, not only has this start up not made money, it has had a massive opportunity cost.

What could DH have saved you in nursery fees if he'd been a SAHD instead? It's cost you that.

What could DH have made in two years in a salaried job? It's cost you that.

Two years and no profit makes me think it's unviable and a sunk cost at this point frankly.

Don't get lost in this dinner or that present. You have to focus on the woods not the trees.

You are no longer happy carrying the full financial load and he needs to get a job.

There might be some compromise around it being part time so he can work one or two days a week on his start up, if you think it has value.

But no way would i subsidise this man any longer.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 02:59

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/08/2023 02:33

He's taking advantage. Like others have said, its not really his money, its yours so there should be a discussion about how it's spent. If you talk to him and he gets funny about it then I personally would stop him having the money. He's not contributing to the household so tough sh!t.

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But if the other person genuinely is taking advantage then it's completely different.

It's not financial abuse to expect some consideration and discussion and a balanced approach to spending.

That poster was suggesting talking and discussing this, she said "if he gets funny about it I personally would stop him having the money".

Now by getting funny about it I'm assuming she meant him saying look I'll spend whatever I want on, on whoever I want, whenever I want.

And in that case if he was spending all of the families leftover money on other people, leaving the OP without then it would be him who was being financially abusive.

It is not always the one who earns the money who is the financial abuser, sometimes it's the other partner.

I'm not saying he is an abuser btw......but just that "if he got funny about it" then OP wouldn't be abusive to protect herself, as long as she didn't restrict access to all money.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/08/2023 03:01

An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill...

Yeah, I can just imagine your average SAHM going out for dinner with her sister and acting all Diamond Jim Brady when the bill arrives - offering to pick up the full tab…. 😏 LOL….

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 03:06

WandaWonder · 17/08/2023 02:41

Men earns = household money
Women earns = her money

ok right

In fairness I've seen plenty of threads about men restricting money from their wives and she's often in second hand shoes, unable to replace coats, having a tiny amount of money to entertain the kids during midterms etc. while he normally has loads of savings...

I've never seen a thread where a woman said her husband was upset that she was spending family money buying dinners for groups of people etc. and had a habit of being 'generous' to others with the money. Now if it was a once off then fair enough but it sounds like this is always happening.

And if there was a thread like that most people would tell her to cop on and stop taking the piss.

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 17/08/2023 03:06

CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/08/2023 03:01

An example is last week, we went out for his birthday meal with his sister and bro in law, and he offered to pay the whole bill...

Yeah, I can just imagine your average SAHM going out for dinner with her sister and acting all Diamond Jim Brady when the bill arrives - offering to pick up the full tab…. 😏 LOL….

I do with one of my friends, but we take turns, so it balances out. He goes out for lunch with friends, so do I. We check the time with each other but don't ask permission to do it. It's taken many years to get to the position we feel okay about being that relaxed though.

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 03:08

@mintcalipo

What 'savings' was he referring to?

Do you have access to the savings? Are they just his? Do you know how much there is?

Perhaps his part of household expenses should be coming from his savings from now on? Your income is ongoing, having him rely on his finite savings would put a deadline on the start up.

Do you believe in the start up? Is he working hard at it?

Bopping298 · 17/08/2023 03:08

,Two issues. Firstly, change your financial set up. Joint account is for bills ONLY. All bills such as food transport etc is in there and it is not touched at all. Then you take a portion of what is left into savings and split the remainder into personal accounts. His generosity comes out of his spends and you can do as you choose with yours. Once it is in his account it becomes his money and he can do with it as he likes, equally if he runs out then thats his problem and he will have to wait until next pay day rather than "just take it out of savings".

Secondly, review the business. Is it likely to be sustainable long term? No profit after 2 years is not good and suggests that either he isnt working as hard at it as he could or that is simply isnt a realistic income stream. So he needs to turn a profit soon or get a job and run the business as a hobby/side hustle, or give it up as a bad job.'

This is excellent advice

Fraaahnces · 17/08/2023 03:09

Sounds like it’s time to have a really serious talk about this. I would think twice about the joint account being the main source of savings, but one that you transfer money to (for bills, emergencies, etc,) as required.