How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

Sorry, I should have also added, and what do you think if one of you has treated the other to tickets to an event but then when you're there they expect to split things? This happened recently with an event where he got tickets to this all day event where you have to spend money when there (trying not to be too outing) and then ofc food/drinks etc and he expected me to split/do rounds when there.. I get that he's paid for the tickets so he's then spending more than me even if we split everything else.. btu then I would not have wanted/agreed to do the event if I had known how much all the spending on the day would have cost when split too.. it's such a tricky situation though because I can't very well say "thank you for buying tickets for X, but will you also be paying for Y & Z when we're there, as I can't afford it otherwise?"

I wouldn't expect to adjust things until its moved past the dating and into the committed relationship stage potentially either living together or planning towards very soon

However if he wants to split things 50/50 then the activities need to be pitched at your budget level not his. And if he wants to split things 50/50 then he should be paying half for the takeaways and not saying he will pay you back and won't.

It's very kind of you to buy the tickets but unfortunately attending the event isn't possible with my budget currently. Perhaps you would like to take a friend instead?

Its still very early days here in this relationship

He's been burned before so is being more Conservative with his finances

Be open if you can't afford to do something tell him, if he wants you to go/be there he will pay.

In time if your relationship does become more commited and long term that approach may change but 3 months isn't a long time at all and I think it should be more split 50/50 at that time regardless of income but being open and honest about what you can or can't afford!

Why don't you think it should be 50:50 across the board?

Money is always tricky, especially at the start of a relationship - but I wonder if he doesn’t realise how tight money is for you?

Many, many years ago I let my first boyfriend buy me drinks and takeaways as I was still a student and he was working - after a month or so he said to me ‘my financial advisor (meaning his Mum) has told me to cut down my spending as I’m broke at the end of every month now’ - it was done in a really light hearted way, but I felt bad as I just hadn’t realised how much it was costing him.

I think you need to stay with the 50:50 at this stage but make it clear it has to be on your budget not his. If he wants to treat you to a day out or a nice meal on top, then that’s up to him.

Alternatively he might be a tight arse!

I think this is good advice.
OP I'm sure it is a bit awkward, as you don't want to come across as grabby, but maybe be more open about the fact that you can't attend as many events or be as sociable as you can't afford it, and would prefer to do something cheaper.
Or just choose options that you can afford, don't get sucked into trying to keep up with him.

I was with someone similar and on circa 200k. I was only around 30k at the time. I was so concerned about keeping things equal that it became resentful. I couldn't keep up and had to decline dates in the end. I just simply could not afford to splash the cash they way he could. It made me feel like he was slumming it so to speak. ( our social circles were also very very different)

It didn't work out in the end. I was embarrassed or overtly open about my finances. Trying to make him understand I couldn't just accept money spent on me with out being able to reciprocate and I just couldn't stretch to spending x amount each month on dates and tried to rein it in and go low key.

I think this ultimately back fired and fear that he took it the wrong way and had assumed I was with him for the money. He wasn't the most attractive man by any means but I lived his personality.

I guess, just be open and check in on who's spending what. Hope it works out for you.

It's been 3 months....not 3 years

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money

🤔🤔🤔

I think you need to forget that he earns lots more than you at this stage. Things that annoy you should annoy you if you were both earning the same.
So, the example you gave that he'd pay you back for the takeaway and he hasn't should be addressed. Did he genuinely forget or is he a bit tight with money?
And then be aware so it doesn't happen again.
If you can't afford occasions out then make it known at the discussion stage.

Well you can't bankrupt yourself keeping up with him as it were, so pp advice about pitching dates at your budget seems sensible.

You definitely need to find a way to discuss this, because either you are going to end up broke, or he's going to end up resentful that you can't do the fun stuff he wants to do.

The comment about the ex would make nervy too.

I also think that he just know there's an imbalance and I'd be wondering what his plan was for that? Is he waiting for you to deal with it and bring the topic up? At the moment the only thing he's said to you about money is about his ex... Which perhaps tells you plenty about how he thinks about all this.

Proceed with caution. And be prepared to be the one that has to bring it up and find the solution. And for that to be a recurring theme in your relationship!

It’s only been 3 months, so it should be 50/50, however don’t overextend yourself financially. Be upfront with what you can afford.

Once in a committed relationship, the joint goal of both parties should be to make equal the amount of both time and money each partner has. So money goes in the joint pot in proportion to earnings, and housework, childcare, life admin, etc. are shared in such a way that each partner enjoys roughly the same amount of free time.

There is no other fair way of sharing resources.

I read an article a few years ago called "can you afford to date a rich man", which covered your scenario. I think it should be 50/50, regardless of who earns what as you are still in the early dating stages. I would however be very firm that evenings out should be within my budget. If he wants to go to an expensive restaurant then fine, he takes you, but you need to be very open an honest about what is affordable to you when it is your turn to pay. If a takeaway too often is stretching it, then you just sat "it's my turn to pay, I'll cook". If dating him is using up all of your spare cash, then he is too expensive to date.

Whilst I agree in principle with the comment above I would also be wary about the "it's my turn to pay, I will cook"

You don't want to set the precedent for a relationship where because he brings in more money you get a higher domestic burden, regardless of how many hours you both work

"let's cook together" might be better

I was in ther same situation with my ex boyfriend. I was concearned about it since the first dates. We were about 50/50 although he earned much more. Since you are here though, it must be a real issue for you, as it was for me. I generally like a guy not only to be able to provide in the long run (not be a gold digger or anything but just to be able to a minimum extent) but also to enjoy being a provider. Not like all the time, but for me its a good sign to do it from the start. Fear of taking advantage of him kind of offends you I think. Its like if I have been cheated on a past relationship, is it ok if I say to my partner I do not trust you either yet? Maybe you should discuss it openly that it bothers you. I have done it in my past relationship subtly and it did got better over time as the relationship progressed. We eventyally broke up after 2 year, but he was always too hesitant to move forward our relationship and be hi clear option which caused many issues, letting me feel insecure. Also during our first trip 6 months in, he made a shared list about everylittle expence everyone paid so that we could be equal in the end. At the time it bothered me but I liked him in other ways so I choose to see past it. WIth some discussions he paid for most towards the end (went to the otherside) which left him with some resentment. In the end , maybe also its tru for your guy, he had an issue with boundaries, either be too strict or over soft. To us this extended also to how we pass ouf time and general relationship issues. So maybe notice in time if this is something more general..

You don't want to set the precedent for a relationship where because he brings in more money you get a higher domestic burden, regardless of how many hours you both work ooh no, @Ifeelsuchflutterings, I wasn't intending it to sound like that, more keeping it low cost when it's her turn to treat.

Oh no I wasn't saying that you made it sound like that, just that if she's not careful, and he's that way inclined and he might not be tbf, it could set a precedent. But it it a good low cost suggestion.

I think the main issue is that you are trying to match him. In the early days of a relationship, I think that the effort and times you pay should be split 50/50 but It doesn't have to be necessarily 50/50 in absolute terms. So, he's already opened the door with the "someone who was just an after him for his money" ++ so it should be easy to bring it up casually. "Right, I really like going 50/50 and it works for me at this point in our relationship but I just can't afford this level of dating currently. My local Italian is great and much cheaper so let's do dinner there this week...." etc.

++ although I see the comment re money in this way as a small red flag so while it COULD be innocent and my advice above is based on that assumption, it's something I'd be worried about - saying something like this is a vey good way to make a woman bend over backwards to ensure that you never ever have to be financially out of pocket even if you can afford it....

Take turns arranging dates/activities and pay for what you arrange that is in a price bracket you are happy with 😊

I was in this situation with my boyfriend early on, (we had known each other for years before though so might be a slightly different dynamic) and basically I just sat him down and said words to the effect of "I really love spending time with you, and I want to pay my way, but I can't afford to keep up with your spending because our disposable income is so different. I don't want to hold you back from doing the things you want to do and can afford, because I can't afford it".
He basically said he wants to do nice things with me, and that's what he wants to spend his money on so is more than happy to pay the extra between say an average meal out and a fancy one. Or if we go away for the weekend, to pay the difference between a standard and a fancy hotel. So that's how we started splitting it. Now it's much more in line with income etc but that was a really good compromise in the early days!

I think I would do 50:50 for now but only for what you are comfortable with eg if he said there were tickets for something at £80 each I would say, I wouldn’t pay that. Or a fancy restaurant with high prices, I would say, no that’s out of my price range sorry. Then he can offer to pay for you if he really wants your company or he can leave it.

thanks for the replies.. I guess it makes sense to keep it 50/50 as much as possible now and I guess I'll need to woman up and find some ways of saying I can't afford to do that...but I do feel like even SAYING that is implying I want him to just offer to pay!? But I guess I can't win by not saying it...

Prime example we were ordering a chinese at the weekend (at mine, so I feel like it's right for me to pay) and he was suggesting some restaurant he knows in the area from when he used to live here and wanting to find it on deliveroo or uber eats, but couldn't.. so then he was saying how we should get it from a restaurant rather than a takeaway as it was better quality, but of course I'm thinking " well yes but then they'll charge restaurant prices rather than takeaway prices!" and it ended up with me letting him pick what he wanted on deliveroo which I thought was more dishes than necessary- (but ok, they were leftovers which I then had!) and it was £50! He'd added on the fast delivery too.. I did say something like "£50, for a chinese! That's ridiculous!" and he said he'd pay but then I said "no, it's fine, just use the card on there" but then I'm seething that I've spent £50 when I was hoping for half of that :( It's so awkward to be like "I was thinking more like £25 so can we just order from a cheap chinese!"

It's 3 months. I wouldn't expect anyone to subsidise me. I'm very independent though. I think take it in turns to suggest things. Keep your suggestions within your budget. If he suggests something that is outside your budget, be honest that you cannot afford it. If he offers to pay then great, if he doesn't then you can decline.

When you're 3 years down the line and perhaps planing to move in then you need to have very honest conversations about how things will be-rent/ mortgage, bills, holidays, and then if you decide to have children, mat leave etc.

With your Chinese example, I would have stuck to your guns and not ordered from the restaurant because of the price or let him pay as he offered!

it’s going to cost you a fortune if his mentality is like that over a Chinese takeaway!