How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

You are on 2 different levels, so it comes down to compromise. Either he starts doing things in keeping with your lifestyle, or if he wants to carry on leading the high life, he has to expect to pay for you or find someone on his own level.
At the moment you are being passive aggressive over it and just letting him have his way - which is you trying too hard to keep up with him. It's going to make you both miserable.
Did he actually say " you buy the food and the wine"? Did you buy it all at the same stall - better for one to queue for food and one for drinks. I suspect you put it on yourself to get both, then got angry that you did both.
Overall it looks like you got involved in a day out that was beyond your means, but it sounds like he didn't ask you beforehand and booked without your knowledge. That's actually quite forceful and presumptuous. Like the restaurant again, he's wrong to not discuss prior. I would take issue regardless of cost, as he is basically arranging how you spend your free time without your input. You should get a say in all you do, not have to follow what he arranges.

If he invites you out, then he should be prepared to pay.
If you cannot afford something then choose an option you can afford (eg cook for him) and if he questions it then I would politely say that you'd like to spend time with him but you need to stay within your budget.

I don't necessarily think you should expect him to pay for everything, but at the same time I think that means he should be respectful of what you can afford. You cannot live the same lifestyle as him and it is that simple.

If he invites you out to an expensive restaurant then expects you to pay half then for me I would pay my half and he'd never hear from me again because that is just rude.

I understand that he got burned previously, but with respect, that is his problem and not yours, if he wants to treat you the same way as other women then that is something you either choose to accept or choose not to. I do understand it from his POV but hopefully from him seeing that you are more interested in quality time with him than what you do together and the cost of it, he will realise his money is not your prime reason for wanting to be together.

I wouldn't date someone with a massively different income to my own. I'm not suggesting we compare payslips but someone with a similar standard of living to me is important. I'm a company director, divorced with 2 kids. I want to enjoy my free time, travel, meals out, gigs. I wouldn't choose to date someone who couldn't afford to join me and I wouldn't pay for them either.
Likewise I wouldn't date someone massively better off than me. I don't want to be paid for and I couldn't pay my own way to keep up with them.

@Opentooffers Did he actually say " you buy the food and the wine"? Did you buy it all at the same stall - better for one to queue for food and one for drinks. I suspect you put it on yourself to get both, then got angry that you did both.

Um, he basically did! Well he didnt say that but we were queuing up for food and he said we should get drinks there too and mentioned getting the prosecco as cheaper etc and we could share it and then he said something along the lines of could I "manage that" whilst he went off to sort something else out for the event that he needed to sort (not for both of us but could have been if I'd asked it to be - trying not to be too outing) - We were getting 2 pizzas and a bottle of prosecco in a little bag with ice which was how that was sold so the main interpretation was about if I could "manage" it to carry it and he did say something along those lines a couple of times.. which I guess was my turn to interject and say something like "yes I can physically manage it but do you want to leave me some money to pay for half!?" 😂Argh I don't know. I do totally appreciate it's my problem if I'm not going to say something so I will do. But it's definitely not ALL a problem of my own making - there's definitely an assumption on his side that I'll just be ok with spending the same etc..

I'll report back after this weekend how the chat goes re money etc... the problem is that even now I feel like if I bring up things such as the paying for the chinese then it'll seem a bit like I'm asking him to transfer me half of the money for that now which makes it awkward... I guess I just will say it's more about going forwards in future and forget how it's been so far..

I think he sounds awful.

Mean and tight.

It really shouldn't be this difficult.

He is very, very money orientated IMO.

What a ridiculous comment

I agree.
The op is out of her depth.
No one especially early is under obligation to subsidize the other.

Yeah, don't bring up past dates.

Just say something like: "I've realised I've been being a bit silly out of pride I guess - but I don't really have the budget for our more expensive events/dates, and I'm ending up overstretched. Can we look to do things more in my price range from now on?"

This is perfect.

I think if you try to go over past dates, he will find that quite frustrating - if it were me, I would react badly to bring told that I was out of line over the Chinese thing because he offered to pay and you said no. When you speak to him, you need to be specific about what you want going forward and to acknowledge your role in this so far.

I'm with someone who earns a substantial amount more than me and he pays for 90% everything. I used to feel bad about it but he knows I can't afford the things that we do and where we eat and he's chosen to be with me so it's a win win situation.

I offer where I can and where I can't I don't.

He says a lot I want to take you....out for lunch, out for dinner, away for the weekend so that's him saying he's paying and all is good.

If and when we live together we'd have a very frank chat I'm sure about money and ensure we're both happy.

Agree though it's tricky.

I've dated someone with no money and that's not much fun at all!

Maybe do less things that involve spending money. You do seem to always have to shell out a lot of cash (I.e. both of you).

i don't ever remember lots of meals out or entertainment when DH and I were first dating. We were quite happy at home with home cooked food. Neither of us had lots of disposible income anyway, but it wasnt a big feature in the early months of our relationship.

When I first met my ex husband we were on similar wages to you two. He pretty much paid for everything after my budget was spent. Eg afterwork drinks, I would say i can afford two rounds. See you at 6.30. If we wanted to stay after, then that was on him. Also, restos, I would say my budget is £40 for tonight and if he didn't want to go to Strada he paid.

He is ridiculously generous, though, and was very happy to pay as we had a great time together.

UPDATE

Ok so we've spoken about it and basically he said what most people have said- happy to split things more at my budget. He's keen to sometimes do things which are a bit more expensive and he's happy to pay more on those occasions but he also was saying (which is true) that we've both probably been spending a lot more over these first few months of fun dates/getting to know each other that we wouldnt have usually been spending and obviously we need to rein it in a bit. I was mildly put out that he seemed to view it very much as something WE have been doing, as opposed to me keeping up with him (even though I did say that was the case) but I guess the unspoken issues are what people have said on here - that I needed to say something sooner so he would have known I guess. He also said that he felt like maybe the comments about his ex might have been unfair and he might have been wrong but he felt that there was a bit of entitlement to things from her despite her earning well. We even did touch on future plans and he seemed to say the right things about if we were having children in the future then I was on mat leave and how would things work and he said something along the lines of at that stage "what's mine is yours" etc...

We also spoke a bit more about our upbringings and I think we have different views to money - he made a comment about not wanting to offer to pay for me more as he knew I would have a "pride" thing about not wanting to accept it and pay my own way. Which I felt was a bit tricky to disagree with! I don't think that was intentionally manipulative of him but I wasnt quite sure how to say "umm no, I don't, I'm very happy for you to pay for me if you want to!" without sounding grabby! I did basically say that though ha so hopefully he's not got that to wangle out of things! But tbf it was a good discussion and I do feel like now we'll just have to see how things go... I did suggest the idea of taking it in turns to pay for/arrange dates and he didnt like that idea though so I guess we'll see how things work for the next few weeks or so...

@datingred he sounds decent. As I said it's better to have the convo early on in situations like this even if feels a bit awkward.

He is right though , people do often spend a lot more early on because they want to be seen as up for and have the resources for 'having a good time' -- even when in reality more nights in with Netflix and a bottle of wine are more realistic

he made a comment about not wanting to offer to pay for me more as he knew I would have a "pride" thing about not wanting to accept it and pay my own way. Which I felt was a bit tricky to disagree with! I don't think that was intentionally manipulative of him but I wasnt quite sure how to say "umm no, I don't, I'm very happy for you to pay for me if you want to!" without sounding grabby!

I think it partly sounds grabby because it is a bit?

It sounds like he wants someone who is keen to pay their own way and have that sense of pride.

Well done OP!!
I think it's one of the hardest conversations to have so you did really well!

It sounds like he's seeing a future with you and also very fair comment that often early in a relationship you do things that are unsustainable. Possibly using 'we' to lessen a feeling of disparity between you. .

I wasnt quite sure how to say "umm no, I don't, I'm very happy for you to pay for me if you want to!" without sounding grabby!

I don’t think you can, because that is grabby.

Well done for having the conversation - it sounds like a good outcome BUT I’m afraid I agree with the others that you do sound grabby. I agree with him about wanting to pay your own way - it’s not so much a pride thing as, I just don’t think it’s anyone else’s responsibility to financially prop me up, and as has been said several times on here it’s been a few months, it definitely isn’t his responsibility at this early stage!

I’ve been the much lower earner in relationships in the past and was always happy to split, insisted on it. I’m now the higher earner and my partner is even more militant about 50/50 than I am! I personally would find it quite unattractive if someone expected me to pay for them most of the time whether they were male or female (I’m bisexual so could be either!)

Not sure why you were put out about him commenting on spending more because it’s early days and fun dating either - it’s true isn’t it? Perhaps he’s also been spending more than he would usually, but his ‘more’ is larger than yours.

I don't think it sounds grabby - it's only grabby if without the benefit of the money she wouldn't want to be with him, or would not enjoy a cheaper alternative. Clearly he likes the finer things in life - and can afford them - op's position is that if he chooses to treat her then she would not turn down these things out of "pride" but that if he doesn't choose to that's fine too, but they'll need to do something more in her budget

I think it goes beyond that.

In the OP she said he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me and she said in the most recent update that she wanted him not to make sure he knew that she was very happy for him to pay for her so he didn't wangle out of things

I think it's fairly clear that her preference would be to be paid for but stuff in her budget is her second choice

When I was in that situation with my now DH I just suggested cheap dates like staying in with Netflix cooking together and was clear about what I couldn't afford

@lurpakhater has expressed it well and that's what I meant. I don't think there's anything wrong with him treating me (both just in general, as I would do to him- and in occasions where he's treating me specifically because it's something out of my budget). I don't like the idea of him (perhaps?) implying that if I allowed that I should feel [whatever the opposite of pride is] ashamed maybe?! The implication being that I should always have a sense of pride and in no circumstances should I allow someone to pay for me. Ofc I'm probably overthinking that and he probably didnt mean that at all!

I had to comment, we call my daughter Beebelle and she was born in 2016! That’s crazy!

He doesn't sound particularly generous, he sounds a bit tight and distrustful. Maybe I'm biased as ime the richer someone has been amongst my acquaintances the tighter they've proved and I find that very unattractive. See how it goes both have your boundaries firmly in place and don't feel any pressure to spend loads.