How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

After 3 months, what makes him wonderful?

@GardeningIdiot It actually worked out in the end, as DP decided to pursue a different career path and is now actually earning very similar to me! So no issues now, but I think if that hadn’t happened it’d definitely be a tricky one.

Rather than 'i cant afford' rephrase it to 'ive not budgeted for that.' It removes the shame and takes the emphasis off the wage discrepancy.
You could (I'm assuming) afford the £50 Chinese because you paid it. But you hadn't budgeted the extra £25 for it and had possibly had that money allocated for something more important to you.
Tell him that as you earn considerably less than him, you are more conscious of where your money is going and how it works for you. The fact he has more disposable income shouldn't become your problem to deal with. Nor should it be expected that you contribute to his frivolity of it's beyond your budget.

If he earns 150k and that's 3 times your salary, you're earning a decent wage! My partner (of 4 years) earns a lot more than me but we take it in turns to pay. I just cut back in other ways.

I disagree. She doesn't sound grabby at all.

In fact, he sounds more grabby than she does.

I'm very poor at present and it automatically puts me off dating anyone who expresses an interest in me and is much wealthier than me. Odd deterrent to have, but there we go.

You really need to spell out how much you can afford and just say it isn't in your budget if he suggests something too expensive. Aside from food, what else do you both enjoy doing? Walks, movies, games etc? I do actually think if he insists on expensive meals he should pay proportionally more if you have made it clear you can't really afford it even though it's early days.

The trouble with such a disparity in incomes is that he will prefer the 'finer things' because he can afford them. In theory this could be solved if he acknowledged that and said, I like ordering direct from the restaurant so I will pay. I would
have a frank conversation about where you want to be lifestyle wise. Are you happy on your income with your lifestyle? Or are you chasing promotions etc? What are his expectations from a partner, does he want an equal salary wise or does he not care and is prepared to pick up the difference so you can do these 'finer things'. These are really important conversations to have.

I'd talk to him. Explain if you are doing things on his budget he will need to pay more. If he isn't comfortable with that then things need to be on your budget.

I have this issue with my adult dd , she took me for dinner and theatre for my birthday which was in another town by the time id bought drinks, paid train fare etc the free day out cost me £80 pound!

100% agree with this, I have generally outearned the people I have dated , it’s generally less about the actual money , more the willingness of the other person to pay for something, if you are always the person paying it gets a bit wearing after a while, so I would guess he is looking for that from your side

I’d just say moving forward we need to do cheaper stuff

you cannot afford multiple nights out ! Who can !?

50:50 (or 60:40 !) seems fair

but dating him shouldn’t make you skint either

Research where you are going before going next time? You can’t blame him for not knowing, it’s pretty easy to find out this type of info.

Personally at this very early stage of a relationship I would expect to split everything 50/50 and not go if I can’t afford to. If you mention you can’t afford something and they offer to pay then fine, that is a nice gesture from them.

I think your OP didn't really make the problem clear. You don't want him to sub you, you are happy with 50:50 as long as you're spending within your means.

You need to be more assertive about that.

At the dating stage, 50/50 makes sense. He seems to pay more now and then anyway. You need to talk to him openly about spending within your means but emphasising you don't need him to subsidise you. He cannot read minds as you said above. You did say okay to charge the delivery to your card. Who would be 'fighting' over a Chinese delivery anyway. He does earn a lot and he'd probably does not know you have problems with spending. Saying it's ridiculous pricing does not mean you cannot afford it. He is probably living in his own bubble so you need to make him see things your way.

But OP's BF does not do this:

So I try not to suggest things I think they can't afford unless I make it clear its my treat.

And you're suggesting she should "hint" and even lie (is she trying to save?) to deal with this?

Lol, you order Chinese at your house so feel the onus is on you to pay. He books a posh meal and you still feel the onus is on you to stump up for half even though you ordered something cheaper. You are falling on your own sword here, but he's been subtley cleaver in mentioning the ex because he's a tight wad.
Ignore what he's said about the ex. Do you want someone who decides and books unanimously what you are going to do, then tells you after like he does, as that's controlling ? If he suggests something expensive, just say you're busy then, can't make it. Suggest things you can afford, then get him to pay half

I do also feel that the comment about the ex [...] and other comments about her wanting to be a kept woman and him wanting someone with ambition etc do make it difficult to bring up money without it seeming like I'm saying "I can't afford this so I expect you to pay"
He sounds like a dick to be honest. But you're allowing him to make these disrespectful comments about women as if he actually has a point. If you don't expect him to pay, and he acts as if you do, then say "I don't want you to pay and it's offensive of you to imply that I do".

@GorillaInBikini In your first post you say he generally pays more. You use the example of him paying for 4 meals, you paid for 2, and on rounds he generally pays for 2 and you 1. So you're saying generally he covers 66%?

I guess he might pay more in rounds, but then I always feel like I need to even it up so I'm not sure if he pays much more overall - he probably does a little but certainly it's not 66% overall! For example the event I was talking about we went to he paid for the first 2 rounds - I hadn't gone with him to get the first one so I don't know how much it cost, but then the second round I saw that a glass of rose was £18 (!) and I had had a rose before. So I did say that was too expensive and let's try somewhere else etc (lots of other stands for food/drink etc and I think there was some variation in price, I could have got a prosecco elsewhere for example) but he was saying not to worry about the price if that's what I fancied (and I had said rose before I saw the price) and he had his card out etc so I let him pay. But then the next "round" I felt clearly was mine and that was to include food so obviously I said I'd pay and then he suggested getting a bottle of prosecco to share which would be cheaper if we went by the last place we went to and then it was sort of on me to pay - he was going to head off to do something for the event that we needed to do in the next 10 min so I got the 2 pizzas and a bottle of fizz and it was £67.50! So he may have paid, say, £25 for each round previously and now I'm paying for the whack of a more expensive one. TBF I did let him then buy the next two drinks after this as he offered and I was feeling annoyed at the expense so far as I paid for the train tickets to get there with no discussion of splitting it as I felt it was cheeky to ask as he'd pay for the event tickets which were quite a bit more and he hadnt offered. But I guess if I was to work it all out then, including the event tickets, I probably ended up splitting the cost of the whole day.. I guess I need to be more assertive and just hope I don't come across badly trying to express myself..

@OneMoreCookieMonster But, somehow bringing up the disparity made me feel like I was saying "well if that's what you want, you have to pay " it made me feel grabby and I often would over compensate by buying him gifts or giving him cash for petrol or insisting on paying for hotels and meals. I think at the end of the 18ms we were together I probably paid more into things than he did.

This is exactly how I feel! I feel like I overcompensate and I feel like if I actually worked it out, I might have ended up paying more than I realised! But frustratingly, I don't feel like he sees that - he probably vaguely thinks ok I've bought her 2 rounds of drinks and she's now bought the next and food so we're even, but he's not working out that that in fact means that I've paid for more than him because if the situation was reversed then he wouldn't be fussed about an extra £17. Then if he does think of the whole day including the drinks after and his train fare and the event tickets he probably has worked out that it's fairly even and thinks fine... whereas I've worked out I've spent a fortune on a day out that I wasn't that fussed about and if I'd known how much I'd have ended up spending I would never have agreed to go!

To answer the comments/questions about my salary - I have said roughly 3/4 times my salary..somewhere between £38k-£50k I'm not going to go into the figures exactly but I know I earn an ok wage but I have a lot of bills/outgoings which I obviously pay on my own - I'm also studying for some qualifications which would improve my wage a lot over the next year or so - although still no where near his. I think the other main issue is that this is the month of my annual bonus where I get about 2 weeks' salary on top so I've been thinking "ah it's ok, I've got that bonus coming to pay off my credit card" and now I'm realising just HOW much I've been spending and it's largely on a lot of stuff that I didnt particularly want/need to spend on so I'm a bit resentful. I guess if I hadn't had that money coming I would have had to figure out a way to stop this sooner as I literally could not afford it!

Overall though, I totally appreciate all the comments and that I need to say something. @Paq I think your OP didn't really make the problem clear. You don't want him to sub you, you are happy with 50:50 as long as you're spending within your means.
Actually I think my OP is accurate - I was wondering at what stage it should become less of a 50/50 split but the one earning lots more paying more often. I have generally been in relationships with guys who've treated me more often that this guy has - because they've been aware of the wage discrepancy and said they want to treat me. And sometimes I would actually do things like a previous OP said - sometimes I would cook a nice meal for example for us and then when we'd go out for a meal they'd want to pay. I'm appreciative/comfortable with someone earning more in a relationship paying more generally and that's how past relationships have worked. However I do (now, from the comments!) also appreciate that I have no right to expect this so early on. I think the general consensus is that it should be 50/50 at this stage and pitched at my budget which is something I'm going to try to enforce... unless/if he offers to treat me to the more expensive things he wants to do - but if so, I need to clarify in advance what sort of treat and what sort of split is then expected.... ha still quite tricky but I do appreciate the advice.

I would get right to the point at this stage- better than being a year invested and realising it won't change. I would say you love seeing him, really like him, you aren't after his money and expecting money lavished on you but you genuinely can't afford the lifestyle that he enjoys and contribute equally, so you might have to cut back on what he arranges and do a few more less costly things. He's either going to end it or understand and up his contributions or as you will have said, cut back on what he arranges-

I think you have high expectations . His income should have no relevance to you at this point and I certainly don’t think you should be getting so judgy about it. Read your post back and maybe you will see why he is so worried about people wanting him for his money. You’re hardly on a pittance from what you describe. The fact that he bought you a ticket and thought you could pay for yourself for the day is hardly being badly treated. Do go next time he does something lovely like that.

But two drinks each are obviously cheaper than one set of drinks and a meal each. He knows that. You seem to think he's oblivious because he has more money but in your examples I think he knows very well that you are spending more. Honestly he sounds horrible.

I don't agree at all that he should automatically have to pay more because he earns more.

He's clearly worked hard and put a lot of effort in to getting where he is with his job, not for someone he's been dating for 3 months to come along and reap the rewards.

Instead of turning up to every event, you need to just turn him down and say you can't afford it. If he enjoys being in the relationship and appreciates you, then he'll either offer to pay or rearrange the plans to something less costly.

If he doesn't, then maybe he's not the one for you and vice versa.

Don't expect!

This honestly is all sounding like a you problem rather than a him problem.
You aren't recognising until your card comes out that you are paying for drinks plus extras and he's paying for drinks, then you are angry forever more that you've been a mug again.
You need to grow a voice.

Why do you think there's something wrong with him transferring you half the cash. Chinese food example: "Oh you don't need to pay for it all as I was going to buy tonight, but £50 is out of my budget so how about we split it, you can just transfer me yours" then let him send it to your monzo or whatever.

The drinks with extras. "How about I buy this round and then we head somewhere for food". Split the food round then go back to drinks round for round.

Look out for your own interests instead of feeling like you need to even it up for him.

Personally I just don't think early on and being older works with a huge income or lifestyle disparity. You're use to what you're use to.

When I met my H he was on alot more money than I was but had wracked up alot of debt trying to live a lifestyle out of his means and I had a shoe and bag issue and was carrying debt as well no where near as much. But, this meant we were careful how we spent money we both were throwing everything we could at debt (separately) so did things on the cheap. M&S 2 can dine meal deals and 3 for 2 bottles of wine (not sure they even do those deals anymore on wine) days out at parks or hiking, coastal walks and cheap pub grub may be a drink or two at a pub. Free museums and galleries, with a picnic in the park etc

And, we were honest from the very beginning and open about our incomes and debts. Our goals and aspirations. Nothing was kept hidden or out of bounds.

When we decided to move in together our debts were paid off and we grew together, shitty flats and saved money like mad. We didn't do the fancy London restaurants or big holidays until we were both established together and before kids. Since then we are on roughly a similar income and everything goes into the same pot.

At times his earnings far out stripped mine and are currently as I'm on mat leave but with him I was never made to feel like I was lacking or not equal in financial terms.like I couldn't keep up, the final decision was always mine to make. And, that's the key I think... everything is now joint, crystal clear finances and happy with where we are.

Have the chat about finances as soon as you can and feel comfortable enough to. If you don't feel like you can broach it, maybe he isn't right for you?

was wondering at what stage it should become less of a 50/50 split but the one earning lots more paying more often. I have generally been in relationships with guys who've treated me more often that this guy has - because they've been aware of the wage discrepancy and said they want to treat me.

If this is your expectation then you need to tell him. IMO three months is far too early for that type of thing but you do you.