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Original poster

How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

242 replies

datingred · 16/08/2023 14:17

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

OP posts:
Usernamen · 18/08/2023 20:07

OP, I find myself both agreeing and disagreeing with you!

I think you’re coming across as a bit of a fun sponge and spoiling dates (for yourself) by worrying too much about money. It’s Chinese takeaways and a few pub rounds, it’s not Cartier watches. Lighten up :)

But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be treated. It’s not “grabby”, whatever that means. I love it when DP pays for stuff or buys me presents. A man who is obsessed with splitting every little thing 50/50 or even proportionally to salary, would be a turn-off, if I’m honest.

Eskimal · 18/08/2023 20:22

Creta · 16/08/2023 15:10

I was in ther same situation with my ex boyfriend. I was concearned about it since the first dates. We were about 50/50 although he earned much more. Since you are here though, it must be a real issue for you, as it was for me. I generally like a guy not only to be able to provide in the long run (not be a gold digger or anything but just to be able to a minimum extent) but also to enjoy being a provider. Not like all the time, but for me its a good sign to do it from the start. Fear of taking advantage of him kind of offends you I think. Its like if I have been cheated on a past relationship, is it ok if I say to my partner I do not trust you either yet? Maybe you should discuss it openly that it bothers you. I have done it in my past relationship subtly and it did got better over time as the relationship progressed. We eventyally broke up after 2 year, but he was always too hesitant to move forward our relationship and be hi clear option which caused many issues, letting me feel insecure. Also during our first trip 6 months in, he made a shared list about everylittle expence everyone paid so that we could be equal in the end. At the time it bothered me but I liked him in other ways so I choose to see past it. WIth some discussions he paid for most towards the end (went to the otherside) which left him with some resentment. In the end , maybe also its tru for your guy, he had an issue with boundaries, either be too strict or over soft. To us this extended also to how we pass ouf time and general relationship issues. So maybe notice in time if this is something more general..

May I ask why you’d want a man to “enjoy” providing rather than trying to further your prospects by being the provider. Do you want equality as a female in the world except when it comes to “providing”?

Whisperingangel1 · 18/08/2023 20:55

It's tricky one I've been on both sides. Had a few boyfriends that I felt were a bit tight fisted, earned lots more money but hated parting with their cash. I used to find it hard to keep up as they wanted to go on expensive dates and I ended up broke trying to keep up. I think if you can't afford it, just say you need to do something less expensive. I've also had a boyfriend that insisted on paying for everything, had 3 businesses seemed really successful but also had about 10 credit cards and really juggled month to month, that was way more stressful, so I'd take the money conscious one in the long run. Just be upfront with him. He's obviously had issues around money in the past, so best you make sure you're on the same page.

Notamum12345577 · 18/08/2023 21:21

datingred · 16/08/2023 14:17

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

I would say in early stages he should be paying for most things, maybe you pay occasionally. I would say that even if he didn’t earn any more than you.

RedDedRedemption · 18/08/2023 21:38

Eskimal · 18/08/2023 20:22

May I ask why you’d want a man to “enjoy” providing rather than trying to further your prospects by being the provider. Do you want equality as a female in the world except when it comes to “providing”?

Show quote history

Well, one doesn't necessarily negate the other.
I'm bisexual, so my spouse could have been of either sex (as it happens it's a man!)
I earn good money and happy to treat my other half. I take my role as provider, i.e. bringing home the bacon seriously, but I also don't want to be the SOLE provider. That's why I need my spouse to be of good financial standing. Like me, really.
Wanting someone the same as I am is what PP describes. Maybe I'm wrong, and she thinks only the man should provide. But that's how I see it.

When we were at the partner stage current H was happy to just pay for things. So was I. We both knew the other would notice and even it out if it got too imbalanced but we didn't quibble over who paid for what.

Newlifestartingover · 18/08/2023 21:41

50/50 is very British. Eastern Europeans are all about the man paying. I used to be all about 50/50 but kind of regret it to be honest. I've ended up with three kids, broke and going through a divorce...

RedDedRedemption · 18/08/2023 21:47

Newlifestartingover · 18/08/2023 21:41

50/50 is very British. Eastern Europeans are all about the man paying. I used to be all about 50/50 but kind of regret it to be honest. I've ended up with three kids, broke and going through a divorce...

They're also all about keeping their women firmly in their place. Forget about getting them to lift a finger around the home.
I prefer 50/50. With the caveat, on everything humanly possible. Not just money.

Veggievic · 18/08/2023 21:51

I’ve not read all the replies so apologies if already said.
A lot of good advice if the situation is as you say. A lot of men are wary when having lost out financially to a woman before.
Can I ask do you know these things for fact? Have you seen his house, met his workmates? Could he just be pretending to be well off?

willWillSmithsmith · 18/08/2023 22:16

If he’d said that to me about his ex I’d have said ‘Hark at you Rockefella’. 🙄

My ex earned that kind of money and he’d say similar things, thinking every woman was after his money, bloody annoying it was.

Just be careful because he may be resentful of women and tar them all with the same brush.

TedMullins · 18/08/2023 22:22

Notamum12345577 · 18/08/2023 21:21

I would say in early stages he should be paying for most things, maybe you pay occasionally. I would say that even if he didn’t earn any more than you.

Show quote history

Lol what?! Why?

RedHelenB · 18/08/2023 22:23

VCVCVC · 16/08/2023 15:25

Take turns arranging dates/activities and pay for what you arrange that is in a price bracket you are happy with 😊

That's the simplest solution.

K4tM · 18/08/2023 22:27

I’m older (52) and find myself dating again. I am a single mum of 2 so all my salary goes on raising kids/paying mortgage as ex can’t or won’t contribute (don’t go there…)

With dating, He always pays for the first date (even if it’s just a walk by the river and some ice creams). After that I pay some (he buys the tkts, I get the drinks and so on). Third date … ‘I’ll get this, you get that.’ ‘My treat!’ ‘Didn’t want you to think I was completely skint.’ ‘That’s very generous of you …’ etc.

Further on, it’s like, ‘I’d love to see such a show/eat at such a place, but I’m not sure, because it costs a fortune.’ At which point it’s really easy to get into discussing what you can afford and what you can’t (or what you want to afford and what you don’t). It should be an easy conversation to have. If he suggests something really expensive then say, ‘I’d love to but it’s too much money for me.’ For a night out you have to factor in travels/drinks/food on top of tkts and some venues/taxis etc are extortionate! You can bring that into the conversation as well.

Notamum12345577 · 18/08/2023 22:42

TedMullins · 18/08/2023 22:22

Lol what?! Why?

Show quote history

Chivalrous? And traditional I suppose

ILoveMyCaravan · 18/08/2023 23:03

I find it really odd that he isn't aware of your salary? He must know what you do for a living? He sounds absolutely tone deaf regarding finances.

Not that I think he should be "treating"'you all the time, but he is really lacking in awareness of your financial situation v his.

billy1966 · 18/08/2023 23:06

"I did suggest the idea of taking it in turns to pay for/arrange dates and he didnt like that idea though so I guess we'll see how things work for the next few weeks or so...".

That was a great neutral suggestion, yet he balked at it....why do you think he rejected such a reasonable idea?

I will be very interested in any up date you care to post about him.

Very interested.

Meanness is one of the ugliest of traits and some well off men are very prone to it.

I would rather be with a man that matched my salary and was decent and not a tightwad, than with someone who was somehow tight and was all about trying to protect his salary that was a multiple of mine.......any day.

cheesecroissant · 19/08/2023 01:44

His ex wasn't after his money. She probably just earned less and was in the same situation. He's just a tight wad.

Tpfu · 19/08/2023 04:22

cheesecroissant · 19/08/2023 01:44

His ex wasn't after his money. She probably just earned less and was in the same situation. He's just a tight wad.

Same and I also think that comment about his ex was a deliberate one to make sure OP would feel nervous about addressing finances. Anecdotally I know, but the tightest people I know are in the top 5% of earners. Very happy to receive but not to give.

JudgeRudy · 19/08/2023 05:18

I'd say the fact you can't talk about this with him is of as much concern as the outcome. You're in a relatively new relationship and you're presumably having sex, yet you're not able to talk about finances.
Tbh I wouldn't expect a boyfriend of 3 months to be subsidising me however if he wants to do nice/expensive things with you and you can't afford it it's OK to say so and accept a treat. It's expecting him to pay that's off.
Let's use your recent event as an example. If someone invited me say to Dubai for a week, paid flight and accomodation, I might say..oh that's a lovely idea but I don't have a few hundred pounds spare to spend on that...
I've found that often people with more money really don't get it...eg if I go to a wedding and stay over in the hotel it might end up costing me a few hundred pounds. Yes I could afford it but I'd rather go to Spain for a week. Yes the meal I was given was worth £75, but I don't spend that on a meal. I'd rather have 2 meals elsewhere.
I guess essentially you need to have the conversation saying you can't keep up. Yes you could just about afford these things but you'd be perfectly happy with cheaper 'activities'. If your prepared to have his penis inside you you should be able to say this.

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 05:31

We even did touch on future plans and he seemed to say the right things about if we were having children in the future then I was on mat leave and how would things work and he said something along the lines of at that stage "what's mine is yours" etc...

Bizarre conversation to have at 3 months in 😂and it definitely tells you nothing and could just be saying the 'right things' as you said

rwalker · 19/08/2023 06:03

Just pay your way just because he earns well why should he bank roll you
but if you can’t afford something don’t do it or buy it just to keep up or match him
nothing wrong with saying you can’t afford it

daisychain01 · 19/08/2023 06:15

Saying "I can't afford it" puts that relationship on a very unequal footing imo very early on. This man's reaction is telling, he really doesn't get the significance of the disparity and seems quite happy to suggest activities that he must surely have picked up by now through general conversation with the OP that she can't afford, but seems fine to carry on regardless, and only when the OP is force into a corner to say something does he "agree" to paying the difference. He seems to lack the social intelligence to try to avoid making the OP feel that disparity and discomfort.

i don't get why the OP doesn't do more things at home rather than having to be put in an awkward situation like that. Feeling like you have to keep up financially would be a big red flag to me and make me walk away because I would see that this was just the thin end of the wedge for the future. Sometimes it's not what they say or what they do, it's they way they make you feel.

It says to me that a significant disparity in finances in a relationship can be a real passion-killer and a show stopper.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/08/2023 06:30

£50 for a Chinese for 2 is insane

Ans paying extra for fast delivery 🙀🙀

You need to be blunt /honest with him

And say that you can't afford that

He offered to pay the Chinese. You said no

Next time. If a next time

Say that's too much for me and if he says I will pay let him

Or

Say let's split the meal. Shall I send it over to you

Rachykins · 19/08/2023 07:01

I have to agree with most, I think your inability to just be upfront about certain things being too expensive is the problem here. I don’t think you should feel uncomfortable in gently just explaining the next time an expensive takeaway, day out etc arises to just say “I’d love to go/order but I’m struggling a bit with finding the extra money at the moment”

I also think it’s perfectly reasonable to make a point of calling him out on what he said about his ex and saying something like “I really don’t want you to think I expect you to pay for everything especially after you mentioned what your ex was like but I am on quite a low wage and can’t always afford everything you suggest we do” Why is he allowed to lay down the law and make you feel anxious about money yet you darent say a thing. I have to say… if he doesn’t take your honesty about money well or seems a bit off then I’d just run for the hills and move on. Some of the things you’ve said about him make him sound like a bit of a pompous twat.

SheilaFentiman · 19/08/2023 07:27

With the Chinese - why was he on your laptop/phone picking out the restaurant and fast delivery to your house, rather than you doing it? I would feel v uncomfortable about this. I would expect a Chinese order to be “can you stick me down for some prawn toast, chicken cashew nuts and mushroom rice please?” or whatever, not him placing the order when you are paying.

Paq · 19/08/2023 07:34

Tbh you do come across as a bit grabby in your updates. It doesn't matter if he has more money than you, it's his money, not yours.

If he suddenly became impoverished would you want to pay more for your dates?