How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

I do think she did herself a disservice there by a. not saying what she was thinking ie. "oh no, sorry, I don't think I can run to restaurant prices" and b. not accepting when he offered to pay.

A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though

It sounds like he is picking up more of the bills, which is fine given your income disparity, I think 3 months in, it's not reasonable to expect more than that

I do think she did herself a disservice there by a. not saying what she was thinking ie. "oh no, sorry, I don't think I can run to restaurant prices" and b. not accepting when he offered to pay.

But he's made that more awkward than it should be by raising the spectre of gold-digging girlfriends, @category12 .

No I don't agree with this..
plenty of people in committed relationships don't share finances as you've described. Marriage and particular where kids are involved is a different kettle of fish though.

Does he know how much you earn? My DH, when I first started dating him, earned a shed load more than me, but he knew that (we worked in different branches for the same company). So he knew I couldn’t afford to do loads of fancy stuff. If he wanted to do expensive things (e.g. weekends away in nice hotels) he would pay because he knew I just didn’t have that kind of money, but I would pay if we did more “normal” stuff. I would also say no to a fair few things because, although he was happy to pay, I wasn’t happy to be paid for. It all worked out in the end though, i caught him up salary wise within about 6 years (he is a bit older and I was earlier in my career when we met) and all our money is, and always has been, shared. It can work but you have to be honest. There is nothing wrong with saying “that sounds really nice, but I can’t afford it and I don’t want you to pay, why don’t we do x instead”

I think you are BU to expect it to be anything other than 50/50 at this stage but you’re also BU by not voicing the fact you can’t afford the things he wants to do. In the Chinese takeaway situation I don’t understand why you were so passive. Speak up for yourself rather than just giving in to spending more than you can afford.

He hasn't suggested anything out of the ordinary though. OP might not earn 6 figures but if she thinks he earns 150K and it's 'only' 3 or 4 times hers she's not doing too badly either. Unless she's going to drop feed kids or whatever.

I do think he should be given a chance to correct, i.e. OP should state her budget, remind about the money owed. If he's still not mindful then he's a twat!

I earn quite a bit above the average and have dated people of all income levels. It's a minefield. Some people get pissed off if you assume they can't afford something. Of course when I was dating a guy on disability benefits (and he'd mentioned how hard up he was!) I only suggested cheap/free things. But I wouldn't micromanage the budget of someone who was happy to go to more 'expensive' stuff, I'd expect them to speak up. And whose lifestyle was also indicative of that. I have mates on 30K who are always splashing out ... you don't need to earn 150K to afford a load of nice things of course depends on personal circumstances.

I've been in this situation and ended up with him for 13 years and 2 children. He always knew what I earned and when it was my turn to pay, I led and decided where we went. He was sympathetic to it.

I think it's fair that if you go out for drinks, you take it in turns. Meals out, if he chooses the restaurant he pays, maybe offer to buy him a drink at the end or beginning of the evening.

As your relationship progresses, it gets easier too, especially as you start going out less.

Yes, he has. I'm afraid I think she should be brave and flush him out into the open with that one, because sooner or later it's going to come to a head.

It's not a gold-digger trait to say "sorry, I can't run to that on my budget, let's do something else instead" and if he's going to jump to the assumption she's trying to gouge him for cash, then she's best off out of it now, and not down the line when he's watching her struggle paying half of their mutual expenses or something, while he's sitting pretty.

It's a comment he made 'in passing'. Could mean something, could not.
Honestly I could never do with all this bother. If someone won't take what I say at face value why bother dating them?
If he decides I'm a gold digger/finds talking about money crass and selects himself out of my life that just makes it easier for me, instead of all this dancing around.

Finances are one of the top (if not THE top, depending on which survey!) reasons for relationship breakdowns. It's important to be on the same page.

Why do you think he is being tight ?

I think it's better to take turns in early stages like this, this is what I've done when dating poor men. (I seem to attract students etc). Their idea for date eg comedy at their local pub, they sort if and get tickets. I wouldn't dream of splitting those if they invited me, but would do rounds with drink.

My idea- more expensive- theatre or wine tasting evening- I get the tickets. They usually get a 'thank you' round in.

Their next idea - cooking a meal for me or picnic - they pay AND plan please (especially early on!)

My idea - let's go to seaside for the day - I'll drive or get train tickets and our fish and chips as it's 'my' date.

(These are all true dates so might be a bit outing 😂)
I also apply similar rules of friends with different budgets- I have both rich rich friends and breadline friends. I will let them both 'treat' me according to their budgets and I do the same according to mine when I suggest an outing with them

Thanks to the posters who've defended me against some slightly unfair comments. I do appreciate with the Chinese example I've made things worse by not accepting his offer to pay...but realistically its all on my phone/deliveroo so what's he going to do- transfer me the money? And perhaps I'm also being a bit naive or I've been brought up poorly to behave like this but I feel like my natural instinct was to say "oh no its ok" and expect him to fight a bit more ha as I've clearly indicated its too much money. I mean I've said it's ridiculous and then he's said ok welll I'll pay and then I'm like "no its fine just use my card" and I guess I'd kind of hoped he might have fought a bit more...it's not like I've suddenly decided £50 for Chinese is acceptable when I've said it's ridiculous... but I'm aware I'm in the wrong for expecting that...i should have just said "ok thanks" or something as I guess he's not a mind reader...but again if the situation was reversed I'd have got rhe message and insisted on paying if that's what I wanted! And tbh with the takeaway at someone else's house I'd assume they'd be picking the place to order from anyway as presumably they're paying! But maybe that's also just me...

I honestly think the main issue is that he earns so much that these amounts aren't a big deal to him. Like a PP said about choosing the cheapest things on the menu...he booked a table somewhere (where again I should have looked at the prices and said I couldn't afford it but tbh I thought he might pay as he'd booked it !) He later said something about having given card details (and I suspected this before we went so he would have lost money if we'd cancelled. So I picked something on the lower end of the pricing & £10 less than him but we split the bill evenly. I hate being penny pinching as I'm really not generally but I do feel like I'm resenting the situation a bit. It doesn't help that I've got a really good memory and always remember things like friends who don't get their rounds etc from years ago 🤣

I do also feel that the comment about the ex (mentioned in passing but I admittedly brought it up again and we had a bit more of an in depth convo to understand it) and other comments about her wanting to be a kept woman and him wanting someone with ambition etc do make it difficult to bring up money without it seeming like I'm saying "I can't afford this so I expect you to pay". He made a comment (in the convo which I initiated) about her earning well & we've talked briefly about other exes so I get the impression I earn less than most of his exes so maybe he's not really had to think about it before.

I guess time to start a conversation about it... 😬

I'm confused. In your first post you say he generally pays more. You use the example of him paying for 4 meals, you paid for 2, and on rounds he generally pays for 2 and you 1. So you're saying generally he covers 66%?

You've only been dating 12 weeks. At this stage I think you need to find your voice in the moment and say "that is not in my budget, can we do X instead". But no I wouldn't expect someone I was dating to pay for me!

After the Chinese incident, I would have dumped him. He had no intention of paying for that and made sure he upgraded from takeaway to restaurant and then chose expensive items. He knows you don't have much money and I think that's unforgivable.

It’s been 3 months so 50/50 is right and surely you want to start this relationship in an honest way so put on the big girl pants and just say you don’t have the same level of disposable income so suggest doing X, Y or Z instead.

If he wants a fancy takeaway, fine, he can pay for it and let him!

It’s a really tricky one. Before me and DP moved in together he was earning x3 as much as me. I actually felt it was unfair that we should pay everything equally, considering I was on much less than him. I felt I should contribute an relative to my income compared to his, if that makes sense. I.e, 1% of my income of 30k is 300, and 1% of his income of 60k is 600.
But he was very keen to keep everything equally split, regardless. I did come to accept this, although I still don’t feel it’s entirely fair when the other person earns so much more than you!
But at the end of the day it is about discussing with your partner what is best for the two of you, not anyone else.

However I think in an early relationship that is quite a tricky conversation. Again I think it is about sitting down and having that conversation about your future, and what you both want to happen in the future.

Goodness. So how does it work now?

OP, your last update... forget the conversation, just run.

I think he sounds bloody selfish

He doesn't care that you can't afford stuff, so long as he gets what he wants

I agree

Tell him you're running into debt with his spending and you resent that he's aware money is tight for you but clearly doesn't care, so you're out

His response will tell you all you need to know. I think he's taking the piss

He sounds cheap.

If he's worried about so-called gold diggers he needs to date women on the same income level.

I'd remind him you don't make as much and don't have loads of disposable cash.

50/50 is nonsense anyway.

Its a hard one to crack. Or at least it was for me as I like to think fo myself an independent and self sufficient. But, somehow bringing up the disparity made me feel like I was saying "well if that's what you want, you have to pay " it made me feel grabby and I often would over compensate by buying him gifts or giving him cash for petrol or insisting on paying for hotels and meals. I think at the end of the 18ms we were together I probably paid more into things than he did.

But, I'm almost 100% sure he thought I was after his money or long term that was my plan. Even though we discussed if we were to get more serious and have a life together than all assets from before moving in or getting married would be ring fenced to protect ourselves and pensions.

As a woman who is a high earner, and often earn more than the guys I date, I'm usually aware of what the other person is comfortable with affordability wise. So I try not to suggest things I think they can't afford unless I make it clear its my treat. I like a guy to offer though from time to time so it doesn't feel one sided and I don't like it if I feel like I'm expected to pick up the tab. It's about balance and awareness. Sounds like he is offering to pay more often than you but just expects to see willingness from your side too. Never say yes to something you can't afford to go 50/50 on - you don't have to say it's too much, just make an alternative suggestion if you're concerned. If he doesn't get the hint just say, oh I'm trying to save, maybe we can do x instead.