How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

[datingred]

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

Two thoughts.

1. Do not agree to things you'd not be happy to do 50/50 on. You need to suggest lower-level things or less frequent (essentially, what you would normally be happy with). It's perfectly fair in your event scenario for him to expect you to do 50/50 on the day. In fact it'd be reasonable to assume you'd go to extra effort since he'd covered the tickets. It's really nice to feel treated but you shouldn't expect it. If he's suggesting fancy things you need to be clearer about managing them - pacing them out, or swapping in some cheap-n-cheerfuls.

1. From the lower-earner perspective it's extremely easy to think another person has a lot more money than you. A £200k salary with 5% pension is a £115k take home, vs a £50k salary is a £36k take home on same basis. Your '4 times the salary' is actually only '3 times'. It's still a lot more, but it's a not the multiplier it first seems. They also tend to have higher level of commitments - whether that's gym, phone, car, whatever. Of course, a lot of that is discretionary spend and they still have a lot more than you - but it's never quite as much as it might seem.

If he offers to pay, let him pay. We have stayed at two hotels and eaten out a few times in the five months we've been together. But mostly, we just cook at home and avoid spending money unnecessarily.

Yeah, you've got to say something like "sorry, x will wipe me out - how about we do y instead?

This. You sound grabby OP.

Have you read the OP? You might not agree, but she's explained pretty clearly why it might be reasonable not to go halves on everything.

@drpet49
I don't agree at all
I think you just popped on the post to be unpleasant

Hmm, he’s been burned by an ex that wanted him to pay for everything in the past, yet he’s chosen again to date a woman who earns significantly less than him and then want to split costs 50/50, yet pitch the cost of the things you do to his budget, not yours?

oh you’ve got yourself one of those men who want to punish you for last one’s mistakes.

if you think he’s not a dick, then you need to say - “I have a lot less money to spend on fun things each month so if we are splitting costs, then it needs to be for things pitched at my budget not yours.”

100% this

She doesn't sound grabby. She sounds uncomfortable about having a conversation about money with someone who is already sensitive about it and is blindly expecting her to pay out for more than she can afford

Unfortunately being uncomfortable having conversations about money does not bode well for an easy long term relationship

I honestly think some people need it spelling out to them “if you want to split costs 50/50 then when deciding what to do should be based round what the poorest person can afford not the richest”

Why?
Surely that may come down to a choice between Michelin or Harvester.
I think she's out of her depth already.
Most people are indulging in the bedroom not worrying about money at this stage.

From OP's post he doesn't seem to be wanting to spend everything 50/50:

A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

This early on in the relationship I'd expect 50/50 with the occasional fancier date / treat paid by the person that earns more (regardless of gender / sex).

I've been with my husband since I was at uni, so I don't really know what I would do if I were dating now - I'm a high earner, so there would be the chance of me earning more than the guy - do I want to work 10-12 hours a day to pay substantially more that early on in the relationship? I don't know.

That said - OP - at the very least he should be mindful / guess that your financial situation is not the same as his, and to me his lack of awareness re suggesting more expensive things would rub me the wrong way.

Just be really honest about what you can/can’t afford.
How much do you actually LIKE this guy?
Im cynical but I think he’s using the ‘my ex used me for money’ as a reason to be tight.

Are we reading the same thread? Its not grabby at all to not want to bankrupt yourself trying to keep up with someone with way more spending power

Nothing wrong with saying when you can't afford something, if he doesn't get that maybe he's not the man for you

I feel at that early stage the default is: you pay for yourself, he pays for himself. If he wants to treat you he should (and vice-versa). If he suggests somewhere expensive, say it's too expensive and suggest somewhere else. Or go but don't eat or drink a lot. Live within your budget. I find the "I'll get the next one" annoying if 'my one' was the Savoy, and 'your one' is McDonald's.

He might get bored - and then should either offer to pay or date someone who earns the same as him. Or he will be fine with it. Only time will tell.

DH earned about 6x my income when we were dating, and he always got the bill in bars and restaurants. It just didn't come up as an issue. I'd often get us free tickets to events via contacts, and sometimes would book tickets because it was more convenient for me to (things that would sell out quickly and he would be too busy to book at the right time). Tbh whenever I've dated the man has always been happy to pay, but then I haven't dated since meeting DH and that was in the early 2010s.

You are far too focused on money OP. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I know he earns significantly more than me but I don’t know the amount. We split things 50/50 or take it in turns. I am an independent woman and allow him to treat me occasionally but I love his company, not his bank balance.

She's focused on money because she's going broke trying to keep up with his lifestyle.

I think this is what the OP needs to do. Talking about money is tricky, but if you can't talk about tricky things you're not going to be able to establish a relationship.

I am always astonished by how often people with plenty of money forget that other people might well have less. I've spent a lot of my life saying "Sorry, I can't afford it." I get incredibly pissed off by people who choose all the most expensive things on the menu, and then suggest splitting the bill by the number of people, because I've usually picked the cheaper things and had fewer courses.

I think being oblivious to other people's lack of money isn't a very nice trait. I'd be prepared to give him a chance by explaining, though. But I don't think it's sustainable. If you're not prepared to say anything.

In my experience, it gets easier with practice.

It's also worth planning out a specific statement and then actually practising saying it out loud, however, daft that sounds!

Op, it is only 3 mths. In my view all date costs should be shared at this stage. You need to be honest about what you can afford. I know this will be a difficult conversation . If he likes you, he will be on board.

Be honest and do what you can afford. I have always been of the opinion that dating is financially costly. The reality is that dating, costs money and sadly it does. Personally, I would not enter into any relationship with anyone who did not have a certain degree of their own financial flexibility. The limitations that their financial status would put on my or then our shared lifestyle choices and the experiences that I would want to share with them, would be massively hindered .

"I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more ".

Yes, i think you are being unreasonable. I would not feel it my responsibility to pay in this situation if roles were reversed. It is very early days.

I earn three times what my boyfriend does and we've been together 8 months.

We take it in turns to plan and pay for a date night and he often plans things that are cheap or free. But they are always thoughtful and fun!

Sometimes when we are planning things I will say let's go here, I'll pay. However, we do often split things and I don't expect to pay for everything.

In your example of the Chinese takeaway I'd have said "I prefer restaurant food, I'll pay for the difference though".

it's such a tricky situation though because I can't very well say "thank you for buying tickets for X, but will you also be paying for Y & Z when we're there, as I can't afford it otherwise?"

You need to explain that you don’t have the same levels of disposable income as him. If he suggests tickets for an expensive thing that you can’t afford half of-say no, sorry-that’s our of my budget, I think it would be better if you took a friend.

Sounds like communism

I would find that scenario would have me running for the hills. I'm aghast that if your bf earns as much as he does and wants to move things forward, why wouldn't he want to just stick his hand in his tight fisted wallet and pay. Its hardly like you're asking for a Rolex watch, it's a bit of bloody grub. He must surely have a reasonable inclin by now that you're not a gold digger.

I'm afraid that attitude really gives me the ick. Tightwaddery.

I walked away from someone who couldn't resist having a PA snipe at "gold diggers" basically making sure I didn't have designs on his big wads. I know for a fact he's a very miserable and lonely man ....

At best, that's insensitive and dismissive of him.