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Original poster

Red flag ?

218 replies

diamondinaruff · 13/08/2023 23:02

Recently went on an on line dating app and matched with a guy

Now I don't know if he's just super keen or if this is a cultural thing or what.....unsure it matters but he is Sikh

He seems really nice , open and keen

But since we matched he rings me daily , messages a few times a day.
We have scheduled a date soon

He just seems a bit keen and bouncy , like I get really gushing messages about how amazing he thinks I am which is nice but I keep saying whoa boy we haven't even met yet !

He says he just knows we'll get on and I don't dismiss that I think we will , but he's also wealthy and quite a smoothie , nice looking too

Now my experience in the past of OLD makes me sensibly wary

He's been at a family gathering and still rung / messaged. I don't always answer as it feels a bit much this early on , but I do reply to the messages .

I'm definitely going to meet him as he actually does appear quite genuine but I'm really u sure If that's my wishful thinking after kissing a few (lots actually) frogs !
I've also got a few health issues which I told him of and he said he doesn't care , not that shallow , still wants to meet
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Greengrassohla · 15/08/2023 03:20

But he did ask you if there has ever been an attraction between you and you best friend. A very forward and intrusive question to essentially a stranger

No it’s not! Friendships with the often opposite sex often stem from relationships, and it’s undeniable that that does change the vibe. It’s a perfectly reasonable question for him to have asked in my opinion.

RedDeath614 · 15/08/2023 05:11

I rarely post on here so I hope OP that you'll take my thoughts into account. However you've already had plenty of great advice from other posters such as monsteramunch, pinkbonbon and aquamarine and appear to have ignored them all. This is a huge mistake.

Briefly OP this guy is a narcissist and you're both already entrenched in your respective roles as narcissist and victim.

I'm from the same background as him and this isn't all down to cultural differences. With all due respect, why would it be? He's UK born and raised as we all are, right? He knows full well what's acceptable and what isn't yet is ignoring your objections or dismissing them with poor excuses. Since when does being an 'old romantic' result in rushing things along, reams of empty compliments, daily phone calls and constant invasion of space before any meeting has even taken place? This isn't normal or healthy behaviour but you're welcome to dismiss it as him being an 'old romantic' if you want.

I say isn't all, because some of it is. Narcissists are rife in Indian families because this is the way most kids are raised, to be narcissists, and often by narcissist parents. So the cycle repeats itself over and over.

Please never ever tell any strange man about any vulnerabilities. Narcissists will absolutely love the fact you're vulnerable. He clearly does too. Keep your medical conditions to yourself until date 4 I'd say. And even then I wouldn't disclose major issues. I mean this kindly but perhaps you really shouldn't be dating with all this going on? I had major issues for several years and couldn't even bring myself to think about dating.

This guy's a narcissist and you're already making excuses for him and making him out to be a great catch and too good for you. Why? Are you that desperate for a date OP that you'll overlook all this frankly unhealthy behaviour? Because that's how it looks to me. OD is chock full of dangerous idiots like this. It's their hunting ground. Running into lots of them is typical for all women on there. Forget this guy, block him and ask yourself if you have any feelings for your friend. He sounds like the real diamond in the rough here and a much nicer bloke all round. If not try real life as a way to meet men, take up new hobbies. Above all work on your self confidence and trust because you really do sound vulnerable and naive. Don't meet him please. You'll only make more excuses for his boundary transgressions as things progress.

RedDeath614 · 15/08/2023 05:28

And how much of an 'old romantic' is he if he's already decided never to marry again? 🤦🏻‍♀️ I notice he doesn't have any problems setting boundaries when he wants to. Also he can't be semi retired if he's a multi property landlord especially if he's managing them himself. That's his job and a full time one at that. Even having one property to let with a managing agent can be a full time job. Believe me I know! Don't let this crap fool you. And you're still only going on the information he tells you so you can't rely on it being true. What's his story about why his marriage ended? Are his family and kids all down south? If so why's he moved so far away from them?

If you don't know the answers to these questions already - and you should if you speak daily - then that's because he's steering the conversation in the way he wants and you're letting him. He's probably amazed you've fallen for his nonsense OP and that's why you're so 'wonderful' to him. Forget these empty words and spend time with your caring friend instead. Leave this loser to his next victim.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 05:32

He sounds too intense, has that ever been a good thing for anyone?

Pamspeople · 15/08/2023 05:33

It's a bit strange, OP, that you made a thread called "red flag?", get tons of responses along the lines of "yep, big red flag* - but you're going to ignore the red flag and carry on exactly as you were.

RedDeath614 · 15/08/2023 05:52

Pamspeople · 15/08/2023 05:33

It's a bit strange, OP, that you made a thread called "red flag?", get tons of responses along the lines of "yep, big red flag* - but you're going to ignore the red flag and carry on exactly as you were.

It's fine though because OP says she's going down the 'coffee and salt' route while still posting about how attractive, successful, wealthy and wonderful he is and how she's not going to be good enough for him because she doesn't wear designer clothes and he (seemingly) does and he's told her his love bombing behaviour is because he's an 'old romantic' 🫠

OP please look up love bombing. It's deliberately designed to create a false sense of intimacy. This is why a coffee or any kind of meeting with this man is dangerous and risky and not as harmless as you think it is.

morbidd · 15/08/2023 08:31

Have you thought about going for a cup of tea instead?

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 09:56

morbidd · 15/08/2023 08:31

Have you thought about going for a cup of tea instead?

Grin

I might even really spice it up and get a hot chocolate

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 15/08/2023 10:00

This kind of lovebombing is very common among men. They are basically trying to make a good impression and show they are into you, taking it to the extreme with the compliments. Its actually a bit off putting. If it gets too much, I usually say, "we haven't even met, so why are you saying I am the most amazing person? I don't like it." Just be straight up.
You can still meet him once and see how it goes.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2023 10:28

I despair with the number of threads we get on MN where the OP is so blasé about contact with an unknown random man, who says any old crap and they're taken on trust. Whilst it sounds like you will be cautious, which is good I find your trust of what this person has said to you, makes you vulnerable to them continuing to say 'believable' things to you.

your life, your safety.

you have no accountability to pay any credence to what you've been told on here.

But it's this sort of attitude, a bit dismissive despite asking about Red flags, and still wanting to meet this person even when your spidey senses are screeching at you, that is quite disturbing.

I'll withdraw from this thread, because I think you're hell bent on meet him come what may, so I hope it goes OK and he doesn't continue to bullshit you or have mal-intent, like the arsehole who tried to scam my vulnerable best friend. I just want this on record, so others reading this realise OLD is not something to be blasé or dismissive about.

Sandra1984 · 15/08/2023 10:51

Someone should write a manual for women on how to navigate OLD, red flags to watch for (love bombing being one), female psychology, male psychology, scammers, akward first dates, narcissism, boundaries, spotting married men, keeping standards high and loving yourself . Reading said manual should be mandatory before going on OLD, like learning to drive before you put yourself behind the wheel. Would save us so much time.

Sandra1984 · 15/08/2023 10:58

3 years on OLD going on bad dates and now about to meet a love bomber IRL who you matched a week ago and has been calling you daily? I believe you need to find this manual OP asap, take a break and revise it again.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 11:07

Well I think I've decided not to meet

Todays flurry of shmooze has put me off and was ridiculously ott

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 11:14

diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 11:07

Well I think I've decided not to meet

Todays flurry of shmooze has put me off and was ridiculously ott

I'm glad you've finally taken the blinders off. The man is nothing but a manipulative narc.

monsteramunch · 15/08/2023 11:18

Good call OP, definitely,

Did he ramp up the sickly sweet-ness today then?

Sandra1984 · 15/08/2023 11:29

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 11:14

I'm glad you've finally taken the blinders off. The man is nothing but a manipulative narc.

Show quote history

Maybe he’s not a narc, just a creepy pest, or socially akward who knows. He did sound a bit desperate which is quite off putting.

morbidd · 15/08/2023 11:58

diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 11:07

Well I think I've decided not to meet

Todays flurry of shmooze has put me off and was ridiculously ott

Tell us more

UseOfWeapons · 15/08/2023 12:12

Good news! No one needs that sort of behaviour in their lives.

Olika · 15/08/2023 12:53

diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 11:07

Well I think I've decided not to meet

Todays flurry of shmooze has put me off and was ridiculously ott

Good choice. He would just annoy you more and more as time goes by.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2023 13:25

I feel relieved on your behalf.

It sounds like he's so utterly clueless, he has zero social filter and isn't aware how overbearing he is. Hopefully it will teach him a lesson to check his own behaviour. You've given him a clear message you're not to be manipulated and bullshitted.

LBFseBrom · 15/08/2023 13:36

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 13/08/2023 23:16

I think you with your gut. Meet for a coffee, go with your gut. You won’t be wrong :)

I agree.

Pinkbonbon · 15/08/2023 13:39

Greengrassohla · 15/08/2023 03:20

But he did ask you if there has ever been an attraction between you and you best friend. A very forward and intrusive question to essentially a stranger

No it’s not! Friendships with the often opposite sex often stem from relationships, and it’s undeniable that that does change the vibe. It’s a perfectly reasonable question for him to have asked in my opinion.

Yes, IF they had been on a good few dates and they were considering a relationship.

It's not ok however, to ask someone you've never met if them and their bestie have ever bumped uglies.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 18:43

I don't think he's clueless, I think he's a smooth operator

Today I'm sexy gorgeous amazing best of the best (no commas) and he can't wait to see me for a hug kiss and much more .

What girl could resist .

Anyway it's not normal

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 15/08/2023 18:50

diamondinaruff · 15/08/2023 18:43

I don't think he's clueless, I think he's a smooth operator

Today I'm sexy gorgeous amazing best of the best (no commas) and he can't wait to see me for a hug kiss and much more .

What girl could resist .

Anyway it's not normal

I believe this guy is interested in the "and much more" side of things. He does sounds like a smooth operator.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 18:50

While you have coffee?

Weird.

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