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Original poster

Red flag ?

218 replies

diamondinaruff · 13/08/2023 23:02

Recently went on an on line dating app and matched with a guy

Now I don't know if he's just super keen or if this is a cultural thing or what.....unsure it matters but he is Sikh

He seems really nice , open and keen

But since we matched he rings me daily , messages a few times a day.
We have scheduled a date soon

He just seems a bit keen and bouncy , like I get really gushing messages about how amazing he thinks I am which is nice but I keep saying whoa boy we haven't even met yet !

He says he just knows we'll get on and I don't dismiss that I think we will , but he's also wealthy and quite a smoothie , nice looking too

Now my experience in the past of OLD makes me sensibly wary

He's been at a family gathering and still rung / messaged. I don't always answer as it feels a bit much this early on , but I do reply to the messages .

I'm definitely going to meet him as he actually does appear quite genuine but I'm really u sure If that's my wishful thinking after kissing a few (lots actually) frogs !
I've also got a few health issues which I told him of and he said he doesn't care , not that shallow , still wants to meet
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 15:16

Be very wary of someone who is reaffirming an overly positive view of yourself when they don't know you well enough to do so.

Although you may have been communicating over messages and calls, he's practically a stranger and you are to him.

yellowsmileyface · 14/08/2023 15:17

Personally I wouldn't even waste my time with a coffee date.

He's love bombing you. That's all you need to know. Doesn't matter if the date goes fantastically, it doesn't erase the fact that he's love bombing you now and that's a huge red flag.

If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. You already sense that something about him doesn't quite feel right. The right guy for you won't have you posting to MN for advice before you've even met.

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 14/08/2023 15:18

Men will tell you anything, they know what women want to hear.
I would proceed with caution and take things really slowly, because that's when they show their true colours. Don't let him talk you into bed quickly only to never see him again. Don't give him money, arrange proper dates,.not him just dropping by yours. It's a shame but romance is usually the last thing on their minds, most of them are only interested in meaningless sex and are already entwined with other women.

HuntingoftheSnark · 14/08/2023 15:22

I'm afraid that I'm in the camp of red flag, wouldn't meet him. You seem to be believing everything he tells you - maybe I'm too cynical but overloading someone with compliments within a week is incredibly off putting - would you do it?

As to whether he is divorced and how wealthy he is - assuming you have no mutual friends, this is what he's telling you. The reality could be very different and he could be a charming and accomplished liar.

The daily calling alone would put me off. It's as if he wants you to feel obliged to meet him.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 15:23

Sheog · 14/08/2023 15:11

It could be love bombing or he could simply fear getting cancelled before the date. A lot of women have multiple suitors and end up cancelling before a meet-up.

He might not know that this is too much for you. Tell him and see if he respects your boundaries. If he doesn’t then you have your answer. Before that I wouldn’t call it a red flag. And I say this as someone who love bombs myself. He is either bad at picking up your reluctance or he might be ignoring it.

Tbf though...why would you want to date someone who doesn't feel the need to follow basic social boundaries? Of course these messages would be too full on for most. So why do it? Why isn't he considering that his behaviour is inappropriate? Why would his fears and insecurities give him the right to ignore respectable social boundaries?

It's not ideal is it.

I worry sometimes. It doesn't give me the right to make other people feel uncomfortable.

In the slim chance he maybe isn't neurotypical and truly doesn't understand that he's being too full on, a chat about boundaries couldn't harm though.

But tbh my bets would be he's a typical bulldozing playboy who is just trying to get too close too fast. Or worse, a narcissist or similar.

Sheog · 14/08/2023 15:32

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 15:23

Tbf though...why would you want to date someone who doesn't feel the need to follow basic social boundaries? Of course these messages would be too full on for most. So why do it? Why isn't he considering that his behaviour is inappropriate? Why would his fears and insecurities give him the right to ignore respectable social boundaries?

It's not ideal is it.

I worry sometimes. It doesn't give me the right to make other people feel uncomfortable.

In the slim chance he maybe isn't neurotypical and truly doesn't understand that he's being too full on, a chat about boundaries couldn't harm though.

But tbh my bets would be he's a typical bulldozing playboy who is just trying to get too close too fast. Or worse, a narcissist or similar.

Show quote history

I’m not good with respecting boundaries so I’d be a hypocrite. I know when I am crossing them though. I’m not sure if it’s the same with other people which is why I suggested she’d put down boundaries in the first place to see if he respects them.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:40

I'm not actually sure how to phrase the boundary thing , hi , er can you stop bending so nice all the time please ,.....I'm actually a dick sometimes too

How do I bring it up ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 15:44

Maybe something like 'hey so, do you mind if we hold off on the chatting till we've actually hung out. I'm not much of a texter really. Let alone before I know someone lol'.

But tbh I'd not bother, I'd just skip him entirely.

Frogmila · 14/08/2023 15:46

Well, what would you actually be asking him?

I think its better for you to think this through in terms of 'ok, something has struck me as slightly unusual about this man's behaviour. Not necessarily enough to cut off contact but enough to post online. What is bothering me, why, and what would be a comfortable boundary or course of action to me?'.

At the moment I feel like you're struggling to recognise your own responses and identify what an acceptable alternative would be.

What would you actually like to happen here? Again, it's not about what strangers want, it's what you want and require. We can help with the wording but what are you actually asking?

Frogmila · 14/08/2023 15:50

I mean yes, you could just ask to confirm a meeting and say you're looking forward to chatting more in person but prefer not to text too much in the meantime but I get the impression boundaries are a bit more of a work in progress than just not knowing what to say in this instance.

IamSaved · 14/08/2023 15:54

I'd say just meet the chap and see how it goes.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 14/08/2023 16:17

I would meet him and then find something to say no to.

It's not playing games, although it is a test. To see how he reacts when you say no.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 16:51

I think my boundaries are ok and I'm not afraid to say no to something

I was fairly new to online dating and was slightly naive, taking people at face value before realising much more caution was needed

I had one encounter for a few weeks seeing a guy who completely hoodwinked me , he was autistic but that had t phased me , but he was a total future faker , and then one day just decided he didn't want me after all and dropped me , I also found out some other things after the event that made me much more wary

I've also had coffee with some real whack jobs , and while had no problem in saying no to a second date one was particularly vengeful.

So yes I'm of the opinion if something or someone looks to good to be true then they probably are.

But I've also had very many dates and to find a decent , honest and caring. Person would be nice so I didn't just want to cynically dismiss him altogether before meeting.

I always meet in public and don't let them know my address or anything .

OP posts:
AgnestaVipers · 14/08/2023 16:59

It's love-bombing. He cannot gush over a person he's never met: he's already lying to you.

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 18:37

I wouldn't bother no matter how good looking/wealthy he is. You haven't even known him a week yet and he's carrying on like this? No, thanks.

daisychain01 · 14/08/2023 18:44

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:07

Why the heck would I lend him money ?

He appears to be very comfortable, having sold his business.

Show quote history

How do you know he sold his business? Just on his say-so.

he could be a very nice chap with all good intentions

... or he could be spinning you a yarn.

my best friend connected with a bloke who from his photo seemed average looks, was solvent, divorced a year previously, and wanted to form a meaningful relationship. Seems very sincere, just wanted a connection.

guess what, he was none of the above, it wasn't even his photo! People lie, cheat and say whatever they think you want to hear. Don't get taken in so easily.

robinsnest1967 · 14/08/2023 19:09

Have you googled him to check out he is who he says he is. Why would a potential date tell you his successful/got money etc. I would think he is love bombing you to make you feel wonderful and so you think he is equally wonderful for the sole purpose of a shag and then ghost you. He may well be doing this to others.

interestingcase · 14/08/2023 19:21

We've video called , it's definitely his photo

How does anyone do OLD if you shouldn't meet or believe anything anyone says, genuinely?

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 19:22

That's still me I'd name changed

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 14/08/2023 19:30

I would find it a bit annoying and unattractive. Perhaps it’s a red flag, perhaps he’s lonely and filling a void, perhaps he’s just very excited to meet someone he feels he connects with..

A coffee date seems harmless enough but I guess it depends on whether you still find him attractive/appealing?

Ilikejamtarts · 14/08/2023 19:31

I think you should give him a chance and go ahead with the meet. Maybe he is fairly new to the dating world and doesn't really know how to date or speak to women in that way anymore as a single man after being married? Perhaps he's just trying to say and do what he thinks are the 'right things'.
I would either go on the date then follow my gut from there, or speak to him beforehand.

There's a chance he thinks he needs to be this full On to stand a fighting chance in the dating world when really he'd much rather be more relaxed but because you haven't said you're uncomfortable he feels he has to keep it up As it must be what you like

SophiaElise · 14/08/2023 19:46

While I agree with everyone re treading carefully, @Ilikejamtarts is right - he may well have had an arranged marriage as his only relationship and is completely new to dating. So see if he is genuinely interested in meeting by suggested the coffee date.

yellowsmileyface · 14/08/2023 19:47

interestingcase · 14/08/2023 19:21

We've video called , it's definitely his photo

How does anyone do OLD if you shouldn't meet or believe anything anyone says, genuinely?

No one's saying you shouldn't believe anything anyone says.

But you also shouldn't believe everything anyone says. You should have an awareness that people do lie and manipulate.

I'm not saying you shouldn't give anyone a chance. But I absolutely believe you should walk away the very second a person makes you feel at all uncomfortable, and not give them the courtesy of meeting if they've managed to make you feel uncomfortable before then.

I'm concerned that you're so preoccupied with not wanting to be cynical that you're willing to overlook glaring red flags.

Ilovelurchers · 14/08/2023 19:57

My current husband and I messaged A LOT before the first meeting after matching on Tinder. I don't mean for a long period - we had a date within a week - but loads of times during the days. It wasn't a red flag in his case - we just clicked and had a lot to say to each other (and still do - as my friend said to me recently, tho not everything about him is perfect by any means, he is just so right FOR ME she can't imagine me with anyone different). I was chatting to a few other blokes at the same time, and while their messages would sometimes make me feel bored/crowded, I never felt like that about his.....

So no, it's not necessarily a red flag. And if he is at a wedding I guess he is probably feeling in a very romantic mood (possibly having a few drinks too?) so that might prompt him to be more gushing.....

If the chat flows naturally and you enjoy it, I wouldn't worry just because you feel you ought to (IYSWIM). However, totally different if you are NOT enjoying chatting or it is boring you/making you uncomfy......

Most things you have said about him sound pretty positive, so I would definitely meet if I were you! Providing you are still liking him and finding him interesting......

Good luck!

daisychain01 · 14/08/2023 19:58

100% @yellowsmileyface

it isn't until you actually meet the person, spend some time with them and get beyond the initial gloss that we all to some extent want to convey as part of the early dating process, that you can feel a degree of confidence that what they're telling you is reality.

Before then, take it steady and proceed with caution.