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Original poster

Red flag ?

218 replies

diamondinaruff · 13/08/2023 23:02

Recently went on an on line dating app and matched with a guy

Now I don't know if he's just super keen or if this is a cultural thing or what.....unsure it matters but he is Sikh

He seems really nice , open and keen

But since we matched he rings me daily , messages a few times a day.
We have scheduled a date soon

He just seems a bit keen and bouncy , like I get really gushing messages about how amazing he thinks I am which is nice but I keep saying whoa boy we haven't even met yet !

He says he just knows we'll get on and I don't dismiss that I think we will , but he's also wealthy and quite a smoothie , nice looking too

Now my experience in the past of OLD makes me sensibly wary

He's been at a family gathering and still rung / messaged. I don't always answer as it feels a bit much this early on , but I do reply to the messages .

I'm definitely going to meet him as he actually does appear quite genuine but I'm really u sure If that's my wishful thinking after kissing a few (lots actually) frogs !
I've also got a few health issues which I told him of and he said he doesn't care , not that shallow , still wants to meet
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 22:42

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:36

I've also told him my best and oldest friend whose helped me through some of this health stuff is a man

He totally accepts that - asked if there's never been an attraction- said no - totally platonic, seemed to have absolutely no problem with it

I've been totally honest about my life. Nothing seems to put him off .

But he has no right to ask you about whether your make froend is just platonic or not!

He's.never.even.met.you.
Its none of his business! Who does he thinks he is asking that!?

Yet again op...more red flags.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:43

Olika · 14/08/2023 22:40

Go for a coffee with him and then decide if you want to meet him again. You are making it far more complicated than it needs to be. But don't ignore your gut feelings along the way.

I'm gonna go with this

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:47

My friend came up in conversation because he's been ferrying me to hospital.

I was talking about my best friend and said he
He didn't appear to have any issue with it - and if he had - I'd have binned

I think I'm happy enough after chatting tonight with a coffee and see how I feel after that

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 22:48

Yet again op...more red flags.

Which will sadly be ignored.

Do you not appreciate the gall of him asking if you've been attracted to your male friend? Who in the fuck does he think he is?? I'm truly astounded that you don't see the problem with this.

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 22:49

I was talking about my best friend and said he He didn't appear to have any issue with it - and if he had - I'd have binned

But he did ask you if there has ever been an attraction between you and you best friend. A very forward and intrusive question to essentially a stranger.

Sandra1984 · 14/08/2023 22:50

The love bombing is indeed a big red flag, any mature "normal" man his age looking for a partner would be cautious, unassuming and trying to figure out if you're compatible, have common interests and that takes time and getting to know the person in real life. He has made up his mind (without knowing you from Adam) that you're his perfect partner which is madness. He's fallen for an "avatar" basically. This could be for various reasons: 1) having been married all his life he's incredibly naive when it comes to dating,2) he's a narcissist or 3) he's trying to shag you soon and thinks that love bombing is a fast route to your panties. Again, maybe he's a beautiful soul but there's a big red flag on top of him. I would go for a coffee but take him with a big pinch of salt.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:51

I'm going the coffee and salt route

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 22:52

And I get that there some things you maybe have to share in the interests of transparency but tbh...much of the fine details can wait till you've met him in person and decided if you would like to see him again or not. Don't share personal details with a literal stranger!

And 'nothing seems to put him off'. OK... let's be honest, if I told someone who I'd never met a bunch of off-putting stuff...why would they still want to meet me? That's...odd. Isn't that odd?

I'm just saying most people hearing too much of all that...baggage... before they've even met you (and decided they like you BECAUSE they've met you) ...I'm sorry but I'd be wondering what con they were running. Because most sane people would go 'that's too much work! I don't even know this person! Next!'

Sheog · 14/08/2023 22:53

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:51

I'm going the coffee and salt route

Just meet him and see how you get on here. The scaremongering and overthinking is bizarre. Enjoy your date OP!

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 22:55

I think you're gonna have to meet him. It seems its the only thing that will satisfy you one way or another.

But it wouldn't be me. Good luck!

Sandra1984 · 14/08/2023 22:56

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 22:48

Yet again op...more red flags.

Which will sadly be ignored.

Do you not appreciate the gall of him asking if you've been attracted to your male friend? Who in the fuck does he think he is?? I'm truly astounded that you don't see the problem with this.

I agree, that's the type of question you ask on a fourth date (in real life) once there's more trust, flow, things seem "advancing" and you want to know if there's other romantic interests besides him. Asking that without having met you yet is a another red flag, really none of his business, sounds a bit intrusive and controlling to be honest.

H112 · 14/08/2023 22:56

Nah girl come on. Gut feeling and you haven't event met. Bin him.

Sandra1984 · 14/08/2023 22:58

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:51

I'm going the coffee and salt route

😂😅😂

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:58

Look it's a coffee .

I've sat in rooms with worse . It's a coffee and a way to suss things in person .

I cannot see the harm in a coffee so I can get a better idea of how sincere he is or not .

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 23:00

I'll
Update

I'll let you all know if you're right or you need to buy hats 😂

OP posts:
morbidd · 14/08/2023 23:01

Where do you think you're gonna meet him? Have you decided where you're gonna meet him and what you're do?

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 23:05

morbidd · 14/08/2023 23:01

Where do you think you're gonna meet him? Have you decided where you're gonna meet him and what you're do?

There a beautiful village 2 miles from me with plenty of cafes, restaurants, pubs , and a duck pond .

We are meeting there .

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 23:18

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 22:49

I was talking about my best friend and said he He didn't appear to have any issue with it - and if he had - I'd have binned

But he did ask you if there has ever been an attraction between you and you best friend. A very forward and intrusive question to essentially a stranger.

It wasn't quite like that though
He has said several times he thinks I'm very attractive, and I do scrub up well.

But that friend has seen me sobbing in hospital , blind in one eye, after taking me to opticians and spending the entire day in hospital with me and still managed to make me laugh

I've counselled him through numerous disasters in his life and he's been there for me in similar situations for 23 years

My potential date has seen 4 exceptional photos , a few video calls and a few calls
He doesn't know me . He hasn't seen me at my most vulnerable or ugly crying , he's seen me well turned out and looking my best .

I don't think I can write him off without having that coffee ,

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 23:23

Not sure the relevance of your friend being so lovely? He sounds great, exactly how a best friend should be.

Doesn't change the fact this guy you're going for coffee with is acting in a way that is very forward, a red flag for live bombing and unsettling enough for you to start a thread about him on a forum.

I know you've said you're going to go and that's your choice of course.

I just feel that some men (NAMALT etc) try this routine on every woman they speak to in order to identify ones they can flatter into a false sense of early familiarity and boundary breaking 🤷🏻‍♀️

Saw it lots when dating but it always made me feel unsettled so was a dealbreaker for me early on. I appreciate everyone is different.

But I feel that your response to him doing the 'you're different to all the others' / 'you're wonderful inside and out' etc this early on does mean you're vulnerable to guys who aren't that nice in reality.

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 23:23

Love bombing, not live - obviously!

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 23:31

I think I'm aware enough of this now to recognise it in rl , so far we've had text , calls and video chats but if I feel something is "off" when we meet I'll be happy enough to call time on this match

Please understand I e tried this dating thing for several years without success and it's been a hard learning curve

I took a break of 8 months because I was simply sick of the bullshit

I think my boundaries are ok and im not going to fall for anything that feels wrong

I just feel I need to meet this man in person to judge

Im no spring chicken and I think based on my previous experiences I'll probably be staying single but I have to see with this one .

OP posts:
DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 23:32

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 21:56

Does that sound like a sensible plan?

You seem to have your heart set on meeting him, so I think you have to do that, don't you?
Perhaps you just had an insecure moment when you posted your doubt on here. A date in a public place won't harm you. Just don't feel obliged to do anything more than that. If you like him and he's still being very ott perhaps let him know that you like him but you want to take things slowly, and then see how he reacts to that.

I hope it goes really well. Please come back and let us know either way.

Olika · 14/08/2023 23:33

Good luck Smile

Lightningspeed · 14/08/2023 23:39

He's a charmer and a fuck boy. The ott thing is a tactic nobody normal uses. Normal relationships grow organically without "forcing" and overly keen tactics, and that's what they are, tactics, to get below your defences. Engage at your own risk.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 23:40

I think I owe it to myself to meet

I've never met a truly nice man on line and while there's a part of me thinking he's too nice there's a part of me wanting to find out

I'm being cautious. We will meet in a public place , for coffee .

I've previously rushed into lunch dates or meals , and I'm not doing that anymore. The break did me good . My opinion is a coffee can't kill me . If it feels off I'll be happy to call it a day .

OP posts: