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Original poster

Red flag ?

218 replies

diamondinaruff · 13/08/2023 23:02

Recently went on an on line dating app and matched with a guy

Now I don't know if he's just super keen or if this is a cultural thing or what.....unsure it matters but he is Sikh

He seems really nice , open and keen

But since we matched he rings me daily , messages a few times a day.
We have scheduled a date soon

He just seems a bit keen and bouncy , like I get really gushing messages about how amazing he thinks I am which is nice but I keep saying whoa boy we haven't even met yet !

He says he just knows we'll get on and I don't dismiss that I think we will , but he's also wealthy and quite a smoothie , nice looking too

Now my experience in the past of OLD makes me sensibly wary

He's been at a family gathering and still rung / messaged. I don't always answer as it feels a bit much this early on , but I do reply to the messages .

I'm definitely going to meet him as he actually does appear quite genuine but I'm really u sure If that's my wishful thinking after kissing a few (lots actually) frogs !
I've also got a few health issues which I told him of and he said he doesn't care , not that shallow , still wants to meet
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 19:58

You still haven't answered the most critical question. Why would you ignore your gut feelings and meet with a man who has already made you uncomfortable?

Sorry op, but if you still meet with him after already being uncomfortable with his behaviour, then you absolutely are vulnerable and you do not, at all, have good boundaries.

PointyMcguire · 14/08/2023 20:05

Love bombing aside, in my experience those who are genuinely wealthy don’t tend to advertise the fact to all and sundry (especially before even meeting) for fear of attracting the wrong type.

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 20:10

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 19:58

You still haven't answered the most critical question. Why would you ignore your gut feelings and meet with a man who has already made you uncomfortable?

Sorry op, but if you still meet with him after already being uncomfortable with his behaviour, then you absolutely are vulnerable and you do not, at all, have good boundaries.

This is really important for you to read OP, it's very true.

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 20:13

No one's saying you shouldn't believe anything anyone says.

But you also shouldn't believe everything anyone says. You should have an awareness that people do lie and manipulate.

I'm not saying you shouldn't give anyone a chance. But I absolutely believe you should walk away the very second a person makes you feel at all uncomfortable, and not give them the courtesy of meeting if they've managed to make you feel uncomfortable before then.

I'm concerned that you're so preoccupied with not wanting to be cynical that you're willing to overlook glaring red flags.

Excellent post.

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:51

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 02:17

Oh god . I think my initial idea to just stay single for eternity is best

Not really. He’s just one guy. You have to keep going. I would sack this one off though (Listen to me trying to sound all young). You’re going to come across a lot of people who don’t fit or the next

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:55

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:51

Not really. He’s just one guy. You have to keep going. I would sack this one off though (Listen to me trying to sound all young). You’re going to come across a lot of people who don’t fit or the next

Show quote history

Sorry I hadn’t finished. The next one might be a good fit for you. You’re not seeking perfection but you’re also not looking for trouble.

if you give the benefit of the doubt to red flags you will just end up wasting your time whereas really listening to your gut will make you more confident and give you a better chance of finding someone nice.

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:57

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 20:13

No one's saying you shouldn't believe anything anyone says.

But you also shouldn't believe everything anyone says. You should have an awareness that people do lie and manipulate.

I'm not saying you shouldn't give anyone a chance. But I absolutely believe you should walk away the very second a person makes you feel at all uncomfortable, and not give them the courtesy of meeting if they've managed to make you feel uncomfortable before then.

I'm concerned that you're so preoccupied with not wanting to be cynical that you're willing to overlook glaring red flags.

Excellent post.

Best thing I have read all day. Take heed of this wisdom OP.

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 21:02

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 14:32

I don't really see myself as vulnerable but I suppose I did wonder (excuse my ignorance) if this was more of a cultural difference as he always wishes me a blessed day (as well as the other smooze)

No, it isn’t cultural but he might want you to think it is.

Olika · 14/08/2023 21:04

Never ignore your gut feeling!

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 21:08

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:07

Why the heck would I lend him money ?

He appears to be very comfortable, having sold his business.

Show quote history

He’s just sold his business which means that there is no evidence of it. The money might also be tied up because it’s “in transit” or something.

Seryse · 14/08/2023 21:09

I'm invested now!

Another vote for go with your gut. He might be socially awkward, I get verbal diahorrea a lot when I'm really nervous, maybe it's something like that? (Just a thought)

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 21:42

Well he called me earlier, said he's an old fashioned guy, when I said you don't know me ,

He said Im just old enough to know when I feel a connection and I feel like I'm reconnecting with someone I've known a while and I go with my gut

He said he finds me interesting and engaging and conversation flows - which it does to be fair

I've decided to meet him for coffee , during the day , one day next week .and then I'll see how I feel .

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 21:44

Damecurly

He hasn't just sold , he moved from down south after selling his two shops and invested in properties, he tells me so is semi retired . He just maintains the rental properties.

He does seem quite genuine to me

But I'm being careful

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 21:55

He also makes me laugh . I'm pretty independent, been single for 4 years now so won't be rushing into anything.
I am really way due to previous duds met online - maybe I just need to suspend my disbelief and see .

I felt better after talking to
Him earlier . He's not pushy - if I don't answer the phone he leaves it , I want to give him a chance whilst staying sceptical .

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 21:56

Does that sound like a sensible plan?

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 14/08/2023 22:01

OP, I’m wondering if you’ve dated south Asian men before?

I have quite a lot, at least 10 or so different guys included my current partner. Not all of them speak like this (my current partner definitely doesn’t) but many of them do, their use of language is different from western men. They’re very poetic and flowery in how they speak to women in a way that feels different from what you’re used to.

take the pretty words with a hefty pinch of salt, meet up with him and see how you feel!

EBearhug · 14/08/2023 22:02

Makes sense to me. It's a coffee, not a marriage proposal. I like meeting them, mostly because I'm nosy. But some are far better in person (and others worse....)

Sandra1984 · 14/08/2023 22:11

Just tell you are the type that likes to take things slow, then do it. Find out common interests, become friendly, slowly figure out how comfortable you feel with this guy.take it with a pinch of salt. If at some point you feel he’s rushing or pressuring you into a relationship just call it quits.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:17

JudyGemstone · 14/08/2023 22:01

OP, I’m wondering if you’ve dated south Asian men before?

I have quite a lot, at least 10 or so different guys included my current partner. Not all of them speak like this (my current partner definitely doesn’t) but many of them do, their use of language is different from western men. They’re very poetic and flowery in how they speak to women in a way that feels different from what you’re used to.

take the pretty words with a hefty pinch of salt, meet up with him and see how you feel!

I've not dated a south Asian man before no - and yes I'm taking it with a massive pinch of salt .

He's wooong me I think and to what aim - not sure . If it's sex - he's gonna be terribly disappointed!

That said I'm having f some major health issues - I don't know if I've a brain tumour , Ms, or something else and when I told him I was rethinking a date due to this he said he isn't that shallow and still wants to meet .

He certainly invests time to speak to me .
The messages aren't suffocating- a little gushy but maybe a message a day and a call .

I'm really trying not to be naive. I've dated duds up to now . I took an 8 month break from OLD . He's the first match since my break . He wanted to meet fast , and wanted to speak the night we matched - normally I get a flurry of messages and then it tails off when they get a better offer . He laughed at that and said he had had the exact same experience. He seems friendly , direct , and I'd like to see what he's about .
Without getting invested. A coffee . During the day .

I find him really attractive. He says he finds me attractive. WeChat quite effortlessly. He seems nice enough .

I'm just not used to being treated quite so nicely . So I'm sceptical.

My friends all say they don't know why I haven't met anyone in 4 years, I look younger , am quite groomed , take care , am Independent, like a laugh , so is it beyond all realms of possibility he might actually be interested in getting to know me better or is he just a smooth talking player ......I can't decide without meeting

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:33

He's also not said he's wealthy but has said he sold his business and moved north then bought 6 properties as rentals

He's also told me straight up he doesn't want to marry again

And that's fine because I do t think I could even live with another man again

I do really like him and he's totally different to the type of man I usually speak to or meet

He's funny and entertaining, makes an effort and that's not dropped off as it usually does with oLD

I e decided as someone unthread said - Coffee isn't a marriage proposal.
Worth a punt .

I don't find many me. Physically attractive so the fact I do is a rarity

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:36

I've also told him my best and oldest friend whose helped me through some of this health stuff is a man

He totally accepts that - asked if there's never been an attraction- said no - totally platonic, seemed to have absolutely no problem with it

I've been totally honest about my life. Nothing seems to put him off .

OP posts:
H112 · 14/08/2023 22:36

My ex was like this. Text book love bombing from the get go.

Olika · 14/08/2023 22:40

Go for a coffee with him and then decide if you want to meet him again. You are making it far more complicated than it needs to be. But don't ignore your gut feelings along the way.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 22:42

I've also told him my best and oldest friend whose helped me through some of this health stuff is a man

He totally accepts that - asked if there's never been an attraction- said no - totally platonic, seemed to have absolutely no problem with it

Oh, op. If he didn't have a problem with it, he never would have asked if there's been an attraction.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 22:42

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 19:58

You still haven't answered the most critical question. Why would you ignore your gut feelings and meet with a man who has already made you uncomfortable?

Sorry op, but if you still meet with him after already being uncomfortable with his behaviour, then you absolutely are vulnerable and you do not, at all, have good boundaries.

It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable- more I don't believe it . But he's actually toned it down a bit since I've stopped answering the phone - and tonight I told him to pack it in as he's never met me .

He just said he's an old fashioned guy, a romantic, and just felt he'd known me longer .

Could be bull shit

But , I kinda want to meet . And see

OP posts:
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