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Original poster

Red flag ?

218 replies

diamondinaruff · 13/08/2023 23:02

Recently went on an on line dating app and matched with a guy

Now I don't know if he's just super keen or if this is a cultural thing or what.....unsure it matters but he is Sikh

He seems really nice , open and keen

But since we matched he rings me daily , messages a few times a day.
We have scheduled a date soon

He just seems a bit keen and bouncy , like I get really gushing messages about how amazing he thinks I am which is nice but I keep saying whoa boy we haven't even met yet !

He says he just knows we'll get on and I don't dismiss that I think we will , but he's also wealthy and quite a smoothie , nice looking too

Now my experience in the past of OLD makes me sensibly wary

He's been at a family gathering and still rung / messaged. I don't always answer as it feels a bit much this early on , but I do reply to the messages .

I'm definitely going to meet him as he actually does appear quite genuine but I'm really u sure If that's my wishful thinking after kissing a few (lots actually) frogs !
I've also got a few health issues which I told him of and he said he doesn't care , not that shallow , still wants to meet
Thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 02:08

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 01:59

He's laid eyes on me - we've video called .

I feel I'd be stupid to dismiss him without a coffee .

I'm actually older than him by 3 years so he isn't grooming me.
We are both in our 50s .

It's not stupid to avoid someone putting out red flags.

You don't owe him anything.

But I understand its nice to feel liked and maybe if its after a string of assholes it's nice to find someone complimentary.

But someone whos behaving like him...is likely running a con. Or something else is up. Because its not normal to be telling someone how amazing they are...when they've never even met you.

So be on your guard.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 02:17

Oh god . I think my initial idea to just stay single for eternity is best

OP posts:
Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 02:18

Do I meet him or just swerve

OP posts:
Fantina · 14/08/2023 02:25

I met someone like this in real life back in the days before Tinder. We agreed to go on a date and he was so full on in the days leading up to it (ringing and texting constantly including at 6am when he left for work) that I cancelled the date. It was not normal behaviour.

This also isn’t normal behaviour. And whilst it may feel flattering, remember that he doesn’t know you AT ALL so there is no sincerity to him saying how wonderful you are as he couldn’t possibly know. This will not end well. And no one whose marriage ends in divorce had a successful marriage.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 02:27

So should I just cancel?

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 14/08/2023 02:32

Well obviously he didn't have a successful marriage or he'd still be married.
I would meet him in a very public place for coffee and go with you gut instinct.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 02:36

Well that was the plan

Coffee in a cafe

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 02:40

I'm actually older than him by 3 years so he isn't grooming me.

We are both in our 50s

Op, anyone of any age can be groomed. Your age has nothing to do with it. Your vulnerability does, and you clearly are. You don't even trust your own judgement.

I found the following from an article about being groomed as an adult...

"And even if they're unsure about a groomer's intentions, a victim will often "have this instinctual feeling that something’s not right,”

Op, you have already felt uncomfortable. You have thought that he calls too much. He is hyper eager and it doesn't make sense.

He's another frog.

autienotnaughti · 14/08/2023 05:18

It is concerning. He doesn't know you yet so this is all perceived. You may need to put some boundaries in place and see how things go

daisychain01 · 14/08/2023 05:32

You sound gullible, sorry.

you've never met him, but you're saying stuff like he has money, he's very divorced as facts. He's told you all sorts of things that you've taken on trust, you really need to take a step back and be more skeptical.

whether or not you meet him shouldn't be down to a decision by people you've never met. You should only ever trust your own instincts, not subcontract that to people who don't know the situation and have even less knowledge than you. For any OLD always let at least 1 trusted person in your life where you will be at what time for a first meet up.

Frogmila · 14/08/2023 07:36

OP you really sound very vulnerable.

Not saying this man is necessarily a monster but of course it is odd being so complimentary to someone he doesn't know.

I know it's nice being complimented but it is all talk, none of it is personal to you so far. He doesn't know you. I would be wondering why he is rushing in with all these set pieces such as 'you're wonderful inside and out'. How does he know after a week? Doesn't it make you wonder why he is saying all of this if it can't possibly be sincere?

He is front loading good will hoping that by the time you do meet, you will already be feeling something towards him and he can decide what to do with that. It's very easy to shower someone with compliments. Harder to spend time and effort getting to know them as an individual. Call it love bombing or whatever. Why? Probably wants a shag or possibly a girlfriend but either way it's very impersonal.

Meet him if you want but the way you're speaking worries me. You've had repeated crap experiences but I'm not sure you've learnt much. Why is this 'refreshing' to you? Any man can lay on what you want to hear with a trowel. He hasn't had a successful marriage. It ended in divorce.

It's not about strangers telling you what to do, it's about weighing up how this feels to you and acting accordingly. It also isn't about staying single forever, it's about weeding out the shit ones more reliably.

JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 09:56

I dunno to me it seems very full on for being a week and if you then meet after having a week of potential bombing you're already primed for more in person.

I wouldn't be saying things like that to a women I had only been speaking to for a week, why would I, I barely know them and hadn't met them yet. I'd be trying to get to know them more and then me but slowly.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 14:32

I don't really see myself as vulnerable but I suppose I did wonder (excuse my ignorance) if this was more of a cultural difference as he always wishes me a blessed day (as well as the other smooze)

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 14:41

I suppose that could be cultural...

I think ultimately in my view it's just a bit strong to be normal but is there any other conversing going or is it mostly him saying how much he likes you?

Andthereyougo · 14/08/2023 14:45

I’d meet him for coffee. Don’t tell him where you live!
If you want to see him again another public place you get yourself to and home again.
Im a very suspicious person!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/08/2023 14:51

I think @Pinkbonbon had a really good idea - set a boundary and see how he reacts. If he respects it - I'd meet him for coffee. If he ignores it or tries to get around it somehow - I'd bin him off.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 14:53

When we talk on phone it's just normal chat , bit of flirting maybe , but about our jobs , families, likes, dislikes, normal chat

He's complimentary but it's fairly normal

I just get a couple of messages a day saying how amazing I am , not many out there like you, you're beautiful, remember how amazing you are, and always to have a blessed day .
He phones once a day, but I don't always pick up.

I don't know many Sikh people, actually I don't know any so I wondered if it was cultural

OP posts:
SaleOfTwoTitties · 14/08/2023 15:00

Don't lend him any money

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:07

SaleOfTwoTitties · 14/08/2023 15:00

Don't lend him any money

Why the heck would I lend him money ?

He appears to be very comfortable, having sold his business.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 15:09

Yeah....hate to say it but its definately love bombing.

If it was just messages like 'you can do it!' If they knew you had something tough to do that day..that wouldn't be so bad. Little over familiar from someone you had not met yet but probably just a warm person. Similarly with 'have a blessed day'.

But this guy...as my old man would say...is selling you a watch.

'Not many out there like you' is typical narcissist language. It's like 'I've never met someone like you before' or 'you're the only one who understands me' it's designed to make you feel special, unique and like you two have a unique connection, an us-against-the world bond.

It's creepy.
You don't know this person. They don't know you. Who are they to tell you who you are. Yes, right now it's a compliment but...

Guarantee if they can tell you how brilliant you are when you've never even met them and they don't even know you, it will switch and they'll be telling you how awful you are at some point down the line if you dated. And you'll be wondering wtf you did wrong to be spoken to that way.

He's not living in reality.

Doggymummar · 14/08/2023 15:11

I would refuse all contact until you have met in person. For some the calling and texting is enough and they never get round to meeting. I would say Wednesday morning 7:30 am Starbucks on Dean Street, be there or don't contact me again.

Sheog · 14/08/2023 15:11

It could be love bombing or he could simply fear getting cancelled before the date. A lot of women have multiple suitors and end up cancelling before a meet-up.

He might not know that this is too much for you. Tell him and see if he respects your boundaries. If he doesn’t then you have your answer. Before that I wouldn’t call it a red flag. And I say this as someone who love bombs myself. He is either bad at picking up your reluctance or he might be ignoring it.

SaleOfTwoTitties · 14/08/2023 15:12

diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:07

Why the heck would I lend him money ?

He appears to be very comfortable, having sold his business.

Show quote history

Oh sorry, I thought you hadn't actually met him yet. Didn't know you had proof.

UseOfWeapons · 14/08/2023 15:15

I'd be very careful. If you're definitely going to meet, a short date like coffee in the mid morning and home by lunch, alone, in a public place. Sound like love-bombing, and is a massive red flag for me. Don't tell him where you live, don't allow him to walk you to your car. I'd cancel, tbh.

I wasn't careful in this situation. I ended up with a 2nd husband who was abusive, and I still bear t=he physical and psychological scars from it 15 years later. Don't be like me, and think it's a cultural difference and all will be well when you know each other better. Your instincts are screaming 'avoid!'. Please, listen to them.

Original poster
diamondinaruff · 14/08/2023 15:15

Not just a warm friendly cultural thing then .....

OP posts:
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