Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

226 replies

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 21:47

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

OP posts:
anniegun · 14/08/2023 13:43

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

If a man posted this about a wife who did most of the childcare they would rightly get flamed

floribunda18 · 14/08/2023 13:44

mummymeister · 14/08/2023 11:53

You are joking surely? how old are your kids at the moment. Mine are in their 20's and still dependent due to university, post grad etc. why hold on for years and years and just get more and more resentful and miserable. why condemn a child to be brought up in a miserable household where their only role models are 2 people that hate each other? do you think the kids wouldnt notice?

Show quote history

Obviously it depends on how bad it is now, but it seemed to me like it would be a lot easier to divorce when both DCs are adults, or at least don't need childcare sorting and in a position to choose where they want to live, and the house has been paid off, and I would hope, we are also through the other side of a cost of living crisis.

Ponderingwindow · 14/08/2023 13:49

If it’s time to leave, then it’s time to leave. You just need to remember that you still have to coparent with this man and the law is on his side with regards to a financial settlement. Your anger may be justified, but battling over money will be both expensive and damaging to your relationship. If you are going to exit, you need to do so knowing that there may be financial losses. If you are serious, It is worth the money to meet with a really good solicitor to get an honest assessment of your situation.

I’m speaking from experience. One of the reasons I divorced my XH was because he didn’t want to get a job when his current situation ended. The law didn’t care that expecting him to work when we had no children was completely reasonable.

nonmerci99 · 14/08/2023 13:54

AnotherPlanet7 · 14/08/2023 07:52

By failed to read the room you mean refused to join the misandrist echo chamber? You are on a public forum. There will be people with differing views.

Op, you're upset by strangers comments, how do you think your husband feels about your comments on him who was lovely for most of your marriage by your own admission until you got higher on the job ranks? One sided empathy and selfishness need to be called out. It seems on MN there are many bitter divorcees with no respect to the sanctity of marriage and a cult of encouraging misandry. A reverse would have never gone down this way. Thinking about it more, your poor husband would be better off divirced in more ways than just your pension.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

MysteryBelle · 14/08/2023 13:55

anniegun · 14/08/2023 13:43

If a man posted this about a wife who did most of the childcare they would rightly get flamed

Show quote history

Exactly.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/08/2023 14:18

What's with all of this projecting?

happens all the time sigh

that said I’m 99% convinced that society isn’t ready for SAHD

always seems to turn to shit
the men get miserable and the women exhausted

Skyblue18 · 14/08/2023 14:28

If a marriage is over its over although I fail to see how peoples views can be so black and white when there is only one side of the story projected.

You sound exasperated OP, I hope it works out for you, the menopause is definitely a contributory factor.

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 14:30

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/08/2023 14:18

What's with all of this projecting?

happens all the time sigh

that said I’m 99% convinced that society isn’t ready for SAHD

always seems to turn to shit
the men get miserable and the women exhausted

He's not a SAHD...

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 14:31

If a man posted this about a wife who did most of the childcare they would rightly get flamed

But OP has done the vast majority of childcare over most of the children's lives. Can people not read?

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 14:39

This thread is just shocking. The cognitive dissonance is off the charts.

The OP is unhappy. She is clearly at the end of her tether now after many years. If someone is unhappy in a relationship it is ok for them to end it. Per her posts she has done most of the work in raising the children, does most of the housework/ household tasks, and earns most of the money. No wonder she is feeling resentful.

Yet somehow because she's the higher earner she should just suck it up, hire a cleaner to compensate for her husband's laziness in not stepping up to take on more of the cleaning etc now that she has a job where she is out of the house/ away more, and posters seem to be gleeful that he would then be able to take half of her pension despite him having been working full time so having the opportunity to save for his own, and him doing less childcare than her for most of the children's lives?

Totally illogical and some downright nasty responses, telling to OP just to "try harder" or insinuating she's having an affair! 🙄 Divorce law is very unfair to women who out earn their husbands and also pick up the lion's share of household responsibilities most of the time. Marriage is a total stitch up for many successful women.

JudyEdithPerry · 14/08/2023 14:51

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

TorringtonDean · 14/08/2023 15:09

@OHVanessaShanessaJenkins I support you 100%. I pretty much was you. The law won’t treat you fairly. It’s one of the biggest injustices happening to successful women today. But get out because it will only get worse.

mummymeister · 14/08/2023 15:17

floribunda18 none of us know what the future holds. The OP could hold on waiting for the kids to leave home and then one of them moves back for whatever reason - mental health, gets pregnant etc. and still the OP should stay? people get ill every day and not everyone lives into their 80's. putting stuff off like this risks not only your own sanity but your quality of life. you can read the exasperation in her posts surely. its not like its a one off being a bit cross. its the I am done with this, line drawing type post. We get one life. we dont know how long its going to be or how well we are going to be throughout it. How many people post on here that they have waited years and years and then found that there best years were now behind them?

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 15:24

TorringtonDean · 14/08/2023 15:09

@OHVanessaShanessaJenkins I support you 100%. I pretty much was you. The law won’t treat you fairly. It’s one of the biggest injustices happening to successful women today. But get out because it will only get worse.

I agree. The sooner you extricate yourself OP the less damage it will do financially. But the settlement is likely to be spectacularly unfair given your respective financial and physical contributions over the course of the marriage, unfortunately.

Advice to my kids - particularly my daughter - is do NOT marry!!

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 14/08/2023 15:24

AGAIN, I have done the majority of everything until lockdown. I was forced to go to work 60-70 hour weeks out of the house. He WFM and has done since.
I was too exhausted, traumatised and focussed on work to notice any lack of household maintenance.
He had to take over everything. I contributed financially heavily.

The dust settled, I continued to work crazy hours until I got my recent job. I now WFH & travel somewhat.

I have organised decorating, repairs, maintenance of the property over the last 12 months. It needed it desperately.

Im also doing everything while he is sitting back.

Eldest child is out at work 6.30am until 6pm every day.

Does their bit.

Great advice so far, thank you everyone.

OP posts:
MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 15:44

TorringtonDean · 14/08/2023 11:02

@Inkpotlover the law does not protect working women who also do most of the heavy lifting at home. It is based on old-fashioned which date back to the days when my grandmother was forced to give up work when she married. In future most wives will be working and the law leaves them vulnerable to financial abuse. I don’t know what to tell my hard-working daughter who quite naturally aspires to marriage and kids and dogs and roses round the door. She is capable of bringing in the money for that but could lose it all if her partner turns out to be anything less than equally hard working.

As the law stands a woman’s lot still depends on who she marries - bearing in mind that frogs can appear to be princes as well as vice versa. Marry Prince Charming and when you’ve had enough you will be set for life anyway. Marry the frog and you will be fleeced and struggling to support your kids while he even tries to dodge child support (happens all the time).

It’s completely against feminism and the idea that a woman can earn her own way in life. It’s also why there are gold-diggers. The law should be changed and I hope someone is able to afford the cash to argue this in court. Because I couldn’t.

Absolutely. The best post on this thread.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 17:44

AnotherPlanet7 · 14/08/2023 05:46

You've at least had your head turned if not in an affair already.

I wonder what the poor husband who was lovely for decades would say?

"I've worked full time while my wife worked part time and even stayed at home for years due to the kids age gap. I then found myself working full time, doing the bulk of home and childcare as my wife goes away a lot in the past 18 months on optional work trips.

I feel she avoids us and it makes me feel like i dont matter anymore now she has a better paid job. Was i just a cashcow to her all those years?

When she was doing more of the childcare she was working part time, I'm still working full time. Work is unhappy with me as I struggle to wfh and to adapt to being a single parent when she is away a lot. Nothing I do at home is ever good enough, either. I know she is struggling with peri but I am getting older, too. I thought marriage is for better or worse in sickness and in health. I know something is up but she pretends everything is OK. She mentioned housework but people don't break up over this, do they? We'd get a cleaner if this is the real problem. But it feels like there is something or someone else.

Her demeanor changes when we are in the same room. She thinks she is hiding her contempt and resentment well but it shows in many little ways which is hurtful.

It's making me depressed and worried about the future that I struggle to concentrate at work or get much done around the house. Hearing that my wife is plotting and scheming to divorce me and hide money and assets away which she acquired due to us being a team for years is a huge betrayal and a stab in the back,. How would she feel if the tables were reversed?"

I hope he does get 50%. It's the least he deserves. Good luck to you finding greener pastors.

Are you a drinker? 😂

nonheme · 14/08/2023 18:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

QueueEtwo · 14/08/2023 18:23

OP have some flowers! Flowers
Just because other people put up with shit doesn't mean you have too! Not being happy is reason enough to leave!

I would act sooner rather than later before he actually gets sacked! Then you really would be supporting him!

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 18:23

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 14:39

This thread is just shocking. The cognitive dissonance is off the charts.

The OP is unhappy. She is clearly at the end of her tether now after many years. If someone is unhappy in a relationship it is ok for them to end it. Per her posts she has done most of the work in raising the children, does most of the housework/ household tasks, and earns most of the money. No wonder she is feeling resentful.

Yet somehow because she's the higher earner she should just suck it up, hire a cleaner to compensate for her husband's laziness in not stepping up to take on more of the cleaning etc now that she has a job where she is out of the house/ away more, and posters seem to be gleeful that he would then be able to take half of her pension despite him having been working full time so having the opportunity to save for his own, and him doing less childcare than her for most of the children's lives?

Totally illogical and some downright nasty responses, telling to OP just to "try harder" or insinuating she's having an affair! 🙄 Divorce law is very unfair to women who out earn their husbands and also pick up the lion's share of household responsibilities most of the time. Marriage is a total stitch up for many successful women.

Totally agree.

Also agree with this below. Threatened women lashing out like cornered rats.

There are some posters here who always react aggressively and spitefully to any woman who says she is a high earner or the main breadwinner etc and I have come to the conclusion it is due to their own insecurities.

MySicesterLivesInBister · 14/08/2023 18:25

Good luck to you finding greener pastors

🤣🤣

She'd need luck if that's what she's fancying a bit of.

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 18:27

MySicesterLivesInBister · 14/08/2023 18:25

Good luck to you finding greener pastors

🤣🤣

She'd need luck if that's what she's fancying a bit of.

🤣🤣🙏🏻🫣

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 18:37

@nonheme it's lazy because it sounds like - with commuting and work trips away - he has far more time at home than she does, outside of their work hours. Therefore, he should be picking up more of the household chores. It's absolutely thoughtless to let someone come home from a trip away to a disgusting house with dishes piled up etc: these are basic daily chores. And, as she said repeatedly, she is still picking up the majority of the workload at home in terms of managing the household, cleaning, house maintenance, admin etc. He now has more free time at home than he so should be doing more of this. Lots of people work full time and don't have a cleaner, including lone parents. You just get on with it. And - if he wasn't coping - he should have suggested a cleaner. Why is that her problem to suggest and sort out as well? Confused

It sounds as though your husband pulls his weight so the situation is entirely different. OP would likely not feel how she does if her husband was doing more like yours. Ultimately it is about teamwork and when one person starts to feel like they are carrying the other and doing a disproportionate amount of work or household tasks then of course it causes resentment. Resentment leads to respect vanishing and at that point there's not much relationship left to salvage.

From OP's description it sounds like over the course of their marriage she's done the vast majority of childcare (especially in early years where that is actually demanding!), housework, and financial provision. It's not therefore a balanced partnership, hence the disintegration.

NotNowGertrude · 14/08/2023 19:55

OP there is a way out of this. You don't have to justify your decision or reasoning with anyone on here

If you want out then start the process, see a solicitor & start making plans discretely

Often people don't understand how unhappy their relationship is making them until they are out

I was in a similar position to you as the breadwinner & felt an enormous amount of guilt. People still comment to me it must be so hard etc, seriously, I want to scream: my life is like a holiday every day without having to deal with him!

nonheme · 15/08/2023 20:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.