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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

226 replies

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 21:47

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

OP posts:
andthat · 15/08/2023 21:58

MagentaMoon · 14/08/2023 14:39

This thread is just shocking. The cognitive dissonance is off the charts.

The OP is unhappy. She is clearly at the end of her tether now after many years. If someone is unhappy in a relationship it is ok for them to end it. Per her posts she has done most of the work in raising the children, does most of the housework/ household tasks, and earns most of the money. No wonder she is feeling resentful.

Yet somehow because she's the higher earner she should just suck it up, hire a cleaner to compensate for her husband's laziness in not stepping up to take on more of the cleaning etc now that she has a job where she is out of the house/ away more, and posters seem to be gleeful that he would then be able to take half of her pension despite him having been working full time so having the opportunity to save for his own, and him doing less childcare than her for most of the children's lives?

Totally illogical and some downright nasty responses, telling to OP just to "try harder" or insinuating she's having an affair! 🙄 Divorce law is very unfair to women who out earn their husbands and also pick up the lion's share of household responsibilities most of the time. Marriage is a total stitch up for many successful women.

Absolutely this

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